Her Shit Don't Stink

Today the CSB got a taste of her own.....

Paco called in sick and everyone else no call-no showed, except good ol' Beans. Of course when there is only one salesperson the Lazy K is loaded with customers. Beans was already bouncing between two customers and Star had the third one.

Well, that's when two more customers walk in and the CSB had to remove herself from the computer to help them. She put on her fake smile and showed the customers a few jet skis that sit in the back of the showroom. Or, as we like to call it the dog's restroom. She talked to them for a good 20 minutes pretending that it didn't smell like raw sewage. Then when she seen the potential buyer look down at the pile of crap she said.

"Oops! He he he, I guess my dog couldn't hold it. I'm sorry."

The female customer started to dry heave. And her husband glared at the CSB and said "What is this a dealership or a barnyard!!"

Then they were gone like a fart in the wind.

Happy Holidays

The Lazy K will be closed for the holiday season, but will reopen on January 2, or thereabouts. To all our readers, we hope you have enjoyed this little window into our world as much as we have enjoyed showing it to you, and to those readers who have figured out where the Lazy K is, thank you for keeping it to yourselves.

Smokin'

Winch promotions are common. You buy an ATV and get a winch for free. Then you figure out how to put it on. Or you have us do it.

Because most of the service department has quit or been fired after being written up by Star, we are a little short handed. One of those rare geniuses who thinks he keeps us in business by buying three quads over twelve years for just about cost then buying all his parts and accessories on the internet decided to have us put on the free winch. He tried to get us to do it for free, but ended up paying about $100 for what should be an hour and a half of labor. Unfortunately, he was under a time constraint, because his buddies wanted to go muddin' last weekend, which basically means take the brand new ATV out into the woods and see if you can destroy it in an afternoon by repeatedly burying it in mud, so he couldn't wait the three weeks Baby Hitler initially told him it would take for us to get around to doing the job for a hundred bucks.

The only guy available to do the job was the new guy we hired to sweep the floors and polish the bikes. He wants to be a mechanic, and what better way to learn than to install Mr. Tightass's winch.

About two and a half hours into the job, the new guy goes back to the parts department and talks to Baby Hitler. They go out to service, then call the CSB back. Paco is curious, so he wanders back too. All the plastic is off the ATV, as are the wheels, and it is on blocks. But the winch is mounted where it should be. Paco and Baby Hitler help the new guy put the ATV back together, and Mr. Tightass comes to get his quad.

Monday morning, Mr. Tightass shows up at the Lazy K extremely pissed off, with the burned out carcass of his ATV in the back of his pickup. He went muddin' with his dumbass friends, they got stuck, and when he tried to winch them out, the ATV caught on fire. And plastic burns pretty fast and well, especially when the gas tank is full. And tires burn pretty good too. For some strange reason, Mr. Tightass thinks we had something to do with his ATV burning to the ground, and wants us to replace it. It really is amazing to look at in the back of his pickup, and it is very easy to understand why he is so pissed off.

Star explains that he's the manager, and that the winch worked fine at the shop, and that now that he's manager he's decided to be an asshole to customers who don't pay retail, so there is nothing we will do to help Mr. Tightass. We are of course watching this with amusement, hoping Star enrages the hilljack enough so he punches Star out, but no such luck. Mr. Tightass throws one of those "I'm never coming here again," fits, and then demands to speak to the CSB, saying "I only deal with the CSB."

"The CSB is not here right now, and I'm the manager, and I'm telling you we're not going to give you a new quad for free. If you want to take this up with the manufacturer, you can leave your quad here, and I'll give them a call this afternoon. They'll send someone out to look at it."

Unfortunately, because the free winch is always on backorder, the customer's warranty expired a week before he got his free winch, so the manufacturer won't do anything either. We know that, but Mr. Tightass doesn't.

Then Mr. Tightass tells Star he's not going to pay for the quad anymore.

"That's between you and the lender. If you want that on your credit, that's your decision."

"Have the CSB give me a call," says Mr. Tightass, "I'll just deal with her," and literally burns rubber leaving the parking lot.

After confering with the New Guy, Star learns he didn't actually test the winch before giving the quad back to the customer, and may have ziptied the wires to the exhaust header, he's just not sure what an exhaust header is.

Umm What Do I Do?

The FSB thought it would be a grand idea to open up a hour early for a special 15% off accessories when you buy a quad sale. The crystal told her to have all three locations to do this. On a normal day Lazy K gives a 20% off on accessories when you buy a vehicle. So you can tell how special it was.

Guess who forgot he had to be a hour early, Paco. Star looks at him and says "You are a half hour late!" Paco replies "Yea I know, I'm sorry." Star didn't bother to write him up.

Well, it comes as no suprise, there was not one single customer in that first hour. Too bad Buddha and Rhino missed it. Buddha was on vacation and Rhino called in sick with the flu. "WAIT! No Buddha, No Rhino. Who knows how to do finance paperwork?...I don't." Says the CSB.

Star calls the other store, then faxed them the information to do the paperwork for Beans' customer. After he showed the CSB and Tits Ahoy how to do the papers he left to go play with his Nintendo Wii.

As the customer gets ready to sign the paperwork he notices that the percentage was way higher than what Beans told him it would be. "Oh thank God you found that mistake it is pretty bad when our customers have to our job for us." says the CSB. Lucky for Beans the customer didn't get mad and walk out.

So the question remains, why doesn't the owner that has been working the stores her whole life know how to do finance papers??

Mangina

It's a little slow today, and the CSB got her weekly maraca, so she's feeling no pain. She's been playing with the digital camera we got to post photos of used motorcycles on the internet.

Alfalfa is 17 and works part time in the parts department. He comes over to order a part on the company computer, annoying her because she has to log off myspace and let him use it. While he is there, the CSB gets the bright idea of talking Alfalfa into tucking his penis back between his legs and letting her take photos of his mangina, which she promptly emails to friends and the guys who sell her radio advertising. Then she puts the best mangina photo on her myspace.

Write em up

One of the many rarely used methods of disciplining the inmates at the Lazy K is the write-up. Theoretically you get three and you're automatically fired. Because turnover is so high, few people last long enough to get written up once, much less three times.

Until now.

Since becoming store manager after sleeping with the CSB, Star has been on a write up rampage. In the last three weeks he has written up eight people, including most of service, half of parts and the entire sales staff. Every time the CSB abandons the Lazy K for one of her dog shows, Star gets out the write up forms and starts deciding who's next. The only people he hasn't written up are the Rhino, because she'll kick his ass if he does, The Buddha, because sleeping on the job is not against the rules and Baby Hitler, because they play video games together when they should be working.

It's cold, sales are down, and what better way to boost morale than write everybody up?

But the salespeople laughed, and refused to sign the write-ups. The rest of the day, they made fun of Star and his write ups.

"What are they going to do, fire us?" asked Paco.

This morning, Star told the CSB that he wants to make everyone sign a paper saying that being late is no longer acceptable. The CSB said that isn't going to work around here.

Star took the afternoon off to go home and play with his Wii.

Tunnel

Yesterday was the re-grand opening of the tunnel.

The CSB left for another dog show. Star and Baby Hitler were doing the norm of video gaming. Tits Ahoy brought in some brownies. Rhino and Friar Tuck brought in papers. And Beans brought in the bowl that she borrowed from Rhino.

With all the talk of the possible drug testing the tunnel has been closed for a few months.

To get to the tunnel you must walk through the show room, in to the service waiting room, through the service bay, hop over broken quads that are packed in the back hallway, then out the back door that leads to a small fenced in yard where they keep the broken jet skis.

They use the tunnel to escape their hard jobs and ease their minds by smoking weed.
So while they had no crabby CSB they re-opened the tunnel!!

But you bought it anyway...

This is an actual quote from a Customer Survey sent in to the manufacturer by one of our customers after he bought an ATV.

"the Lazy K sucks! there was a big pile of dog poop on the floor and the salespeople are aweful"

Tricks and Snakes

Freight and Prep are two of the more interesting aspects of the powersports industry. Unlike automobiles, there is no national law requiring dealers to post list prices or disclose other fees on the bikes they sell. Some dealers charge freight, delivery, set up, assembly and for the fluids that came in the bike from the factory. At the Lazy K, and most dealerships in the area, we try to charge Freight and Prep, the totally arbitrary and made up figure it allegedly costs to ship the bike from wherever it came from and the $200 it costs us for our $7 an hour technician to put the wheels on, start it, rev the motor to the rev limiter a few times before the oil circulates, and wheelie in the parking lot if it is a neat new model he's never abused before. Sometimes we get freight and prep, sometimes the customer is smart. Mondo's favorite line for people who balk at paying freight and prep is that they can pick it up in a box in Yokohama and save the money.

Our major competitor, Skank Powersports, discounts their bikes to dealer cost, then uses Freight and Prep to get as much as $4000 over manufacturer's suggested retail price. Skank advertises these low prices, but of course doesn't disclose the freight and prep charges in their ads. We are not sure if this is legal, and apparently neither are they.

Friar Tuck and Mondo decided to have a little fun with the snakes at Skank.

First, Mondo called Skank Powersports and got hold of Nubbin, a new salesperson. He asked about the advertised price, then asked if there were any other fees. Nubbin said there were freight and prep fees, but he wasn't sure how much they were. They try not to disclose these fees over the phone, prefering to surprise you when you get home and your wife reads all the papers you signed. trying to figure out why you own $12,500 for the $7999 motorcycle you bought for $6849. Mondo asked why these fees weren't mentioned in the ad, and said he thought they had to disclose them. Nubbin said he didn't know about that.

Friar Tuck called Nubbin about an hour later and claimed to be from the District Attorney's office. He asked Nubbin if he had a vehicle salesperson's license. They never do. Then he told Nubbin he was calling because he'd received a complaint that Skank Powersports was charging additional fees without mentioning them in their ads. Friar Tuck asked Nubbin if he had personally charged these fees to any customers. Nubbin's voice started to break, and he wasn't sure if he had or not. Then Friar Tuck told Nubbin he was sending in a team of undercover operatives on Saturday, the busiest day of the week, to investigate. Then Friar Tuck asked Nubbiin if he would mind wearing a wire. He told Nubbin this might help him with the judge. At the end of the conversation, Friar Tuck thanked Nubbin for his cooperation and asked him to keep the conversation confidential.

The next week, and throughout the selling season, all the ads for Skank Powersports clearly stated that there were no freight or prep charges on their vehicles. They still advertise the same whore out pricing, so we assume they lost a whole bunch of money.

The Deaf Guy

A deaf guy called today. He wanted a sparkplug for his ATV. He was using a service where he types to someone and they tell the person on the other end of the phone what he typed, then the person on the other end talks and the intermediary types what they say.

Beans was bored, it is freezing and nobody is coming into the Lazy K, so what better way to amuse oneself than to drive some poor deaf guy up the wall.

First she treated the guy like she thought he was a telemarketer. Then she asked if he needed part number 124-65344-898-395969 or 124-65344-899-395969 or -7(x) (sparkplugs have part numbers that are about 5 or 6 digits long and none of them are algebraic expressions, but Beans has returned to college and loves to flaunt her newfound knowledge). He gave her a part number and she repeated it back to him wrong five times. Then she said she was going to check stock. Then she came back on and asked if he was still there. Then she put him on hold.

As soon as Paco got a customer, she told him he had a phone call.

The Mummy Returns

Q. What's worse than working at the Lazy K?

A. Baby Hitler's homelife.

Two days after launching over the handlebars of a Hayabusa when the front brakes locked up, Baby Hitler showed up for work, wearing shorts and a Lazy K teeshirt. He is wrapped in bandages from his shoulders down to both wrists and around both legs, and hobbles around like he's got a stick stuck up his ass. He literally looks like a mummy that can't get to the bathroom fast enough.

Like everyone else who works at the Lazy K and manages to hurt himself on one of the products we sell, Baby Hitler thinks the best place to hang out and tell people what happened to him is on the sales floor. He loves to recount the parts of the accident he remembers to potential customers. And we've all heard about how much it hurt when the nurse came in and scrubbed the grass, twigs and gravel out of his skin.

The CSB is extremely curious as to what they gave Baby Hitler for pain, how many refills he got, and whether or not he thinks he'll need them all. She wondered aloud what would happen if Baby Hitler got all his refills then called and told the Doctor he needs something stronger for the pain.

Ellie Mae's Ex

Today Ellie Mae's ex-boyfriend came in and stood at the counter. We were surprised to see him, because last we'd heard he'd been carted off to jail for fighting in the bar across the street with the guy who does the karaoke after Ellie Mae left him to live with the guy who does Karaoke.

The Rhino asked him what he wanted, and he told her it was confidential, and he wanted to speak to her in private.

The Rhino spoke briefly to the Ex, realized what he was there for and turned him over to the CSB. They snuck off to a private corner of the showroom and spoke briefly about numbers of pills and dollar amounts and agreed to meet tomorrow to conclude the transaction. Then he left.

After he was gone, the CSB returned to the computer and told everyone that Ellie Mae's ex had come in to ask her out, and that he is a total loser.

Baby Hitler learns to fly

Customers often try to fix their bikes themselves then bring it to us to unfix and make like it was before they started fucking with it. One of the ways we figure out how they've fucked up their bikes is the test ride by the technician. Given the fact that most technicians are would be racers who can't afford a motorized skateboard, Baby Hitler, as manager of the service department and only person at the Lazy K with a mortgage to pay, test rides all the fun bikes.

A muttonhead brought in his Hayabusa complaining that the front brakes were making noises. Baby Hitler got on the bike and took off down the street. We heard him go through the first two gears, then silence. About fifteen minutes later, an ambulance went by the Lazy K, and then a police officer came in and told us that Baby Hitler had been in an accident on a customer's hayabusa.

The CSB called back to service to send up all the paperwork, to make sure the customer had signed the paper that said the Lazy K is not responsible for damages even if our technicians set the bike on fire while lighting a crack pipe after taking the gas cap off and laying the bike on it's side in the service department.

Satisfied that all paperwork absolving the lazy K of any responsibility whatsoever was in order, the CSB instructed Goofy the new service writer not to tell the customer what had happened, but to refer the call to her. Then she sent someone out to scrape the bike off the pavement and put it in the company pickup.

While picking up the bike, Goofy asked Baby Hitler what had happened. Baby Hitler swore the front brakes just locked up for no reason.

Once we had the bike back in our service department, Goofy called Suzuki to see if this was a common problem with Hayabusas. The first question the factory technician asked is whether the brake and clutch levers had been replaced with carbon fiber. They had. Apparently muttonheads, not knowing any better, and believing that the 2 ounce weight savings they obtain from switching to cheap carbon fiber levers they buy on ebay will make them somehow better able to control the most powerful motorcycle sold in the world, are having this happen to them quite often.

The customer called to see if he could come pick up his bike, and the CSB told him what happened. About the time he expected her to tell him that we would be giving him a new bike or something, she asked him about his insurance coverage and told him his bike was totalled and it was his fault and it could have been a lot worse. You could hear him screaming on the phone from across the showroom floor. Of course he didn't have full coverage, the muttonheads never do. And he expected us to fix his bike, not total it and then send him the bill.

The CSB explained that we weren't going to do anything for him for free, but would fix the bike if he wanted us to, and would give him the bike back if he wanted to take it somewhere else once we completed our investigation of the accident. He hung up.

Every hour or so we got new faxes and phone calls from the muttonhead as he found something new on the internet that seemed to support his position that the Lazy K owed him a new bike, even though he had modified it and caused the accident. He repeatedly said he was going to get a lawyer and take his bike somewhere else. Never once did he inquire as to the health and well being of Baby Hitler. The CSB suggested he get a lawyer, as Baby Hitler may be out of work for a while and the muttonhead would probably have to pay his medical bills.

A Police officer came by and left a ticket for Baby Hitler, charging him with unsafe operation of a motor vehicle, and operating an unsafe motor vehicle.

Bye Bi

Weavepole Dave asked the CSB to dinner with him and his sister. This is the first time the CSB and the sister will meet. His sister is quite a bit younger than him. I believe she is 29. She is about the same height as the CSB only way better looking.

They went to Applebees for happy hour. The CSB and Sis really hit it off! Wow! thought Weavepole Dave, maybe she will marry me because she enjoys my family.

A few drinks later, Weavepole Dave has to break the seal. While he is in the bathroom, the CSB and Sis have their first kiss! When he returns, he sees the CSB's hand on his sisters thigh. But he doesn't think much of it.

After having way to many drinks, Weavepole Dave drives with one hand over his eye so the road is more clear. The three of them stagger in to Weavepole Dave's house. Then he makes his way to the couch and lays down to rest a minute. Of course he is passed out for the night.

The CSB takes Sis by the hand and leads her to her brother's room. Some heavy fondling and kissing goes on while standing next to his bed. Then Sis can't take it any more so she pushes the CSB down on the bed and proceds to rip off her clothes. They start to finger each other, then they 69 til they pass out.

The next morning Weavepole Dave is happy to see his sister in bed with the CSB.

And we don't know why he was happy, I thought he would have been extremely upset.

The Rhino Returns

So after the Rhino was gone for a few weeks with the gaping hole in her calf, and the CSB was making plans to replace her, we got a call that the Rhino would be making a brief appearance later that afternoon.

They showed up around three pm. Mr. Moose helped the Rhino out of the truck, and we watched as she hobbled with a granny walker into the Lazy K.

The Rhino spied a chair in the middle of the showroom and immediately sat down. She asked who wanted to see her hole, and without waiting for an answer, took off the bandage. The hole was huge, and the skin graft over the muscles looked like turkey skin stitched onto a basketball. Fortunately the Rhino chose to wear shorts short enough that we could see the big red rectangle on her big beefy thigh where the doctors had shaved the skin for the skin graft.

The Rhino showed off her hole to everyone who wandered past, employee and customer alike. All were treated to a detailed description of her life pretty much since the event happened. She was sitting in front of the ATVs, and relished telling potential customers how she'd had a stick go right through the plastic fender and into her leg. Few people wanted to look at ATVs after that.
Bandit the Border Collie ran over and started licking the wound. The Rhino encouraged this, while telling the CSB that she planned to come back in a very short while, and wanted to work from home in the meantime. The CSB said this sounded like a good idea, and after a short visit, the Rhino hobbled out to the truck and Mr. Moose drove her home.

"Working from home isn't going to work," said the CSB, as soon as the truck was out of the parking lot, "We need to find someone to replace the Rhino."

The Rhino's wound became infected again.

Evel Knievel

the CSB is gone on a nine day junket set up by one of the manufacturers, with the guy she met on Myspace five weeks ago who wants to marry her. It's Star's day off, and the parking lot has been plowed, so the snow is piled up around the Lazy K sign. The Lazy K sign is two 30 foot tall pillars set in a concrete box about three feet high. There is a gap of about 4 feet between the pillars.

The technicians and parts guys are bored, because nobody is coming in to buy stuff and the public at large is not bringing their bikes in to be serviced, so they are looking for something to do. Interdepartmental dog toy fights have become passe.

Snow begins to fall again.

All at once the parking lot is a blur of action and noise as the service technicians take turns racing a couple of customer owned quads in circles around the store, sliding sideways in the snow and in general having a good time.

The parts counter empties as the parts guys bundle up and run out for their turns on the quads.

Soon one of the guys from service goes back into the storage room and comes out with a 4x8 sheet of plywood. He builds a ramp and they began jumping the quads between the pillars of the Lazy K sign.

Star makes an unexpected appearance. Even though it is his day off, Star has no life, so he decides to wander by and see if Baby Hitler is up for a few games of Grand Theft Auto on the company bigscreen.

The employees begin to worry as Star takes it all in, then goes into the building.

"Are we going to get fired?" one asks.

The answer is no. For Star and Baby Hitler soon come racing out the side door on brand new Yamaha Raptor 700s. And man can those things jump.

The Record

The current record for convincing a new salesperson that he doesn't want to work at the Lazy K is about 45 minutes, and was set by Friar Tuck.

The Interview

We're always hiring at the Lazy K. All our print ads state this, it's on the website, and at the end of every ad we ever put on the radio it always states, "now hiring at all 5 Lazy K locations."

At every counter, and taped to the doors are giant signs that state we are now hiring in all departments.

For some reason, nobody wants to work at the Lazy K.

Despite our stellar reputation, people do sometimes apply, usually as a means of continuing some sort of government assistance. And it must come as a shock to them when we actually call them in for an interview.

The CSB interviews all the potential salespeople, and the interview includes the following statements:

"The average salesperson here makes between $60,000 and $90,000 a year."

"The job is easy."

"The hardest part is the hours."

and

"I will personally train you."

Never once is the experience or ability of the applicant inquired about. If the applicant doesn't say he doesn't want the job, he is asked to start the following day.

So what happens on the first, and often last, day at the new job?

The applicant shows up on time, watches the other salespeople appear and complain about the Lazy K, hangs around the front counter a while, then is told the CSB won't be in until the following day, and is asked to come in then and start.

On the following day, the applicant shows up a little later, and waits for the CSB. He is repeatedly told she is on her way in.

About noon, the CSB shows up with her dogs, minus makeup and with a crazed look in her eyes. Often she is covered with hickeys. She glares at the new hire, grabs a bunch of brochures off the rack, usually outdated ones featuring products we no longer carry, and hands them to him, telling him to go read them and she'll be with him later, unless he wants to come back tomorrow.
Then the CSB goes into the bathroom, puts on her makeup, and gets on Myspace.

Is that you , Mr. Dumbass?

For some reason, probably because we sell Polaris products, we get a lot of calls from hillbillies three states over who hope we can beat the local dealer's price, which they've already beaten down to about cost, by enough to justify spending the time and money coming to see us. Sometimes they will do this to save $50, because to these yokels, it's the principal of the thing.

But of course, before they come and see us, they call us fifteen times, pestering us with the most inane questions you can think of, making sure the deal really is what we say it is, especially when we occasionally tell them a price about $500 under cost, just to fuck with them on a slow day.

One of these particularly pesky morons kept calling Mondo one fine autumn morning, to see if he should drive 400 miles to buy a Polaris 800. The first time he called, Mondo gave him a price that was right about invoice. The next time he called, saying he had that price beat, but refusing to say by how much, Mondo quoted him a price that was $1000 under dealer cost, and asked him if he wanted the Dale Earnhardt Edition. This is the ATV one of our technicians drove into a wall back in service and we're trying to figure out how to sell it as new without disclosing the damage.

About an hour and a half later, after he'd called every Polaris dealer in four states and been told the deal was not real, this cheapskate calls and wants to go over the entire deal, make sure we were talking about the same model, there were no hidden charges, and see if we could go even lower.

By this time, Mondo was sick of dealing with the idiot, so he put him on hold for a long time, picked up the phone and said, "Still there, Mr. Dumbass?"

"Yep, right here, now are you sure we're talking about the 800 Limited edition?"

Another One Bites the Dust

CSB thought that Peewee forgot how to sell, so she degrades him by taking over the sell and telling the rest of the sales staff to watch and learn. The customers agreed to pay $5000 when talking to Peewee. But, CSB said no to that offer.

Of course the customers want their sixteen year old daughter's head to be protected. And, as anyone would ask "why one helmet is more expensive than the other?"

The professional answer of the CSB is "It's just like a pill, you pay for the name. The generic vicodin has all the same effects as the name brand, just like these helmets." Baby Hitler nods and says "That's the best way to describe it."

What you really are paying for in a more expensive helmet is quality, comfort.

After a hours of negotiating with the customers, the CSB agrees to take $5000 plus give them a free helmet and goggles. Did that make sense to you?

Peewee was confused by the CSB process and asked Paco to help him understand the logic behind it.

Paco tells Peewee that "the CSB is on drugs and basically it comes down to you made $5 and you can thank her for dragging the sell out for two hours."

ONE WEEK LATER

"Did Peewee go to lunch?" someone asked mid-day.

And that's the last anyone has seen him for 3 days.

I think he lasted a month.

Wrong again

After disappearing for a week, the CSB wandered in late today, looking lost.

"Made another wrong date at the Doctor's office," she said, then went back to the back room to sleep with her dogs.

About once a month, the CSB shows up at her Doctor's office, thinking she has an appointment when she doesn't.

Do we have to look at the pictures?

About a week after the Rhino got a hole in her leg, she found her way to a phone and started calling the Lazy K, to catch up on what was going on, and tell us about her latest infection, skin graft, and that Mr. Moose was wiping her ass for her. She was of course sure this was a sign of true love, and not just that Mr. Moose had nothing to do and didn't want to go out and find a job.

The next thing we knew, Mr. Moose brought by some photos of the injury, and they really were grotesque. The skin graft looked like a turkey leg, and the hole was about five inches across and three wide. We all got to look at them, it wasn't mandatory, they just sort of popped up in front of your face when you least expected it.

The CSB kept complaining that the Rhino wasn't going to come back, and that she would probably loose her leg. Warranty registrations, because this was one of the jobs the Rhino did, began to pile up in the office.

to be continued...

The Rhino's Big Gaping Hole

This happened last Easter, but it's a great story anyway.

Mr. Moose decided the time was right to introduce her hillbilly parents to the Rhino, so they drove down to spend Easter in the hollow. One of the things hillbillies like to do more than anything else is ride ATVs. The Moose family has their fair share, so they loaded the Rhino on the one with the greatest capacity for carrying livestock and off the clan went whooping and hollering through the woods.

Somehow the Rhino managed to ram a 2" diameter stick through her calf, narrowly missing the bone. She was of course hospitalized.

The CSB, who considers the Rhino her only friend, was devastated. Then mad because the Rhino wasn't there to help her pick men on the internet. She called her mother to complain. Her mother, the Old Battleax, calls all the shots at the Lazy K, and her business savvy is what has helped the Lazy K achieve a steady 5 year decline in unit sales while the industry is enjoying it's greatest growth in years.

"I'm just happy it didn't happen at work," said the Old Battleax, who also expressed concern that this injury would raise insurance premiums for the company.

to be continued...

Zap, you're it

Today the new guy in service and the registered sex offender who cleans the floors started replacing ballasts and lightbulbs. The new guy in service got a pretty good shock when he started replacing the ballasts, because he didn't know you are supposed to turn off the electricity before you start working on lights.

The Old Man and the Gold Wing

The Old Man had a motorcycle when he was younger. He wanted another one and his wife finally died, so there was nobody to tell him no anymore. The Old Man finally saved enough money to buy his dream bike, a brand new cranberry red Gold Wing with surround sound and heated seats. After 30 years of looking at and admiring motorcycles, and wanting another one, he was finally ready to come in and buy his dream, an 850 lb. motorcycle with more horsepower than many small cars.

Friar Tuck was very patient with the old man, and took his time reminiscing about the good old days and telling the old man how much better his life would be when he had the Gold Wing. The Old Man finally bought his first bike since that stepthrough thing he couldn't remember the name of.

The day to pick up the Gold Wing came, and the Old Man showed up with his 15 year old grandson, who had never ridden on the back of a motorcycle, to take the proverbial first ride on the brand new bike.

After one of our surly technicians took ten minutes to explain to the Old Man how all the controls work, the Old Man eased one leg over the bike, and the kid hopped up behind him. The Old Man started the 'Wing and revved the cold motor a couple of times, because that's what you do with a motorcycle, you make noise.

The Old Man put the bike into gear and began his wobbly departure from the dealership. At this point the kid decided he wanted off. He stood up and tried to jump. The Old Man, unaccustomed to having his grandson try to jump off the back of an 850 lb. motorcycle he is riding for the first time, opened up the throttle, and the bike shot forward, then sideways, as it sideswiped three cars then broadsided a minivan.

The bike fell over and the Service Department came rushing over to pick up the bike and help the Old Man into the dealership, where he lay on his back bleeding out his nose and various lacerations on the floor of the service department customer lounge. The CSB ran out to make sure the old man had signed all the delivery papers.

"Did anyone ask if he knows how to ride a bike?" asked Baby Hitler.

"That's not their job," replied the CSB

The woman who was in the minivan came into the dealership, leaned over the old man, told him her neck hurt and asked to see his proof of insurance card.

Less than faithful?

The CSB was busy talking on the phone with some fireman from Myspace, and both Daves were calling and emailing her, trying to set up dates. This was interrupting her ability to have a meaningful conversation with the new love of her life, and bugging the CSB to no end.

The Rhino was getting testy with the Daves, telling them that yes, the CSB knew they called, and would call them back but was with a customer right now, then slamming down the phone and saying, "I hate that asshole."

"Email them both that I am busy and will call them as soon as I'm off the fucking phone, okay," she screamed, then returned to her conversation with a total stranger she met on myspace, which can best be described as a very graphic description of sex involving foreign objects and multiple insertion points.

So the Rhino sent them both an email saying the CSB had gotten their messages, was with a customer and would call them back when she was free. Then she returned to downloading porn off littlemidgets.com and emailing it to her friends and advertising reps at the radio stations we buy time from.

The first Dave to respond was Weavepole Dave. He wanted to know why the CSB is still emailing Taco Dave, after telling him it was over between her and the dark little fellow.

Taco Dave called three minutes later, wanting to know who the hell Weavepole Dave is.

The Rhino didn't realize that when you email two people at the same time, they can see one another's address.

Somewhere in the mind of the CSB, placating total losers you swap body fluids with takes precedence over telling a complete stranger you like to be spanked while wearing a butt plug that has a plastic pigtail coming out your ass. So she told the fireman she had to go, would call him right back, and took the first Dave's call.

It was Weavepole Dave, and the CSB began to explain to him that the Rhino had accidentally sent an email to everyone named Dave in the work computer. Then she told him she loves him, there is nobody else, and she can't wait to see "big daddy."

Taco Dave's turn came, and the CSB explained to him that Weavepole Dave is a customer who is bugging her for a price quote. Of course she wouldn't go out with anyone else, nobody else could ever make her as happy as Taco Dave does, and how is his faggy little dog?

As soon as she got off the phone with Taco Dave, the CSB called the Rhino a fucking idiot in front of the entire office staff, stormed into the back and took a nap with her dogs. She only came out to answer yet another of the Fireman's calls.

Did it ever occur to those dumbshit Daves to email one another and compare notes?

Genius at Work

Daffy decided to give up a good thing and go out and get a real job. So he gave the Lazy K two weeks notice. Then Star decided to fire him. So Daffy went down and applied for unemployment. He got it. This upset Star, because he somehow thought that if you fire someone who gives you two weeks notice, they are ineligible to collect benefits. So he called the unemployment office and began whining at the woman on the other end of the phone. If she could, I'm sure she would give Daffy lifetime unemployment benefits from the Lazy K.

Hot or Sick?

"Beans, Rhino, to the office please!"

Beans and Rhino went to the back office where they found their boss and her sister with a camera and twisted grins on their faces. After the door was shut and locked, the CSB pulled the FSB's jeans down and told the Rhino to take a picture. The FSB was wearing three types of underwear. First a thong, then full legged fish nets, and then white see through granny panties.

The CSB made red welts on her sisters ass with her hand. Then she told her sister to show some cleavage and had pictures taken again. The CSB wanted to send these pictures to the FSB's boyfriend. But the FSB distracted her by saying, "your turn."

The CSB pulled off her jeans and showed Beans her Tigger underwear and asked, "Do these make me look like and old woman?"

Trust me, its not the underwear that makes anyone look old.

After the FSB returned the spankings to her sister, they down loaded the pictures to the office computer. The CSB, being an old pro at this, started sending them to all the men she slept with. And The FSB ran out the door with her camera before her sister could send the dirty picture out.

Feng Shui

The FSB (fat sneaky bitch, younger sister of the CSB) was supposed to meet the CSB early in the morning to take photos for the annual Christmas card. But the CSB had an appointment with her gynocologist which turned into an all day fishing expedition, so the FSB had nothing to do.

She began talking to her crystal. The FSB lifted it to her head like a cellphone and asked it what to do to make the world, or at least the Lazy K, a better place. The crystal told her it was up to the FSB to rearrange the desks in as idiotic a layout as humanly possible, and that it would guide her in this process.

Actually it told her to make the employees of the Lazy K move the desks. So she pulled the mechanics out of the service bay and the parts guys out from behind the parts counter and told them to obey the magic rock. They got to move the desks five times before the crystal was happy.

Six hours later, and no sign of the CSB, but one of the desks was back by the doors leading to the service department, another was back by the garage door leading outside, in the area where the dogs like to relieve themselves and customers never set foot. Neither location has a phone so the salespeople can make or take sales calls. And the crystal surrounded Star's desk with a chain link cage, to make him seem either more powerful, or incarcerated.

Paco must be pretty special. He got to touch the crystal. The crystal told the FSB that he's not only a good guy, but a hell of a desk mover. Paco could go far with the Lazy K, as long as he never pisses off the magic rock.

Here is the kind of anecdote one gets to hear at the Lazy K, usually over lunch:

Mr. Moose was drunk and got in the shower last nite with her socks on. She told The Rhino to get in with her. Then she told the Rhino to remove her socks, and when the Rhino's head was down by Mr. Moose's big flabby ass, Mr. Moose let loose with a big fat fart right in the Rhino's face.

The Rhino loves telling this story. It gives other people indigestion.

Ellie May returns to the Fold

Ellie May stopped by, and Mondo was sort of excited. Ever since she lost 40 pounds and confessed to everyone at the Lazy K one night after work at Karaoke that she was in love with Mondo, he actually considered having sex with her, if she would leave quietly at the first sign of light and never tell anyone.

This was after she broke up with hillbilly one and went to live with hillbilly two, who ran the karaoke. It was a pretty busy pair of days for Ellie May.

But no, her business was with the CSB. One of her blue collar friends has a Vicodin prescription from when his hand was cut off in an industrial accident. Aparently he can't feel anything anymore in that hand, so the vicodin really isn't necessary. Since he can't return to work, the cash would be nice. He gave the pills to Ellie May and told her he would like $100 for them so he can feed his kids. She sold them to the CSB for $250. That's more than Ellie May ever made in a week at the Lazy K.

The CSB said goodbye to Ellie May, told the Rhino what a loser Ellie May is, and went in the back to sleep with the dogs.

Isn't that Ol' Wigger's house on TV?

"Turn on the news, you're not going to believe it,"

Friar Tuck was practically whacking off while delivering the bad news to the entire staff of the Lazy K. Ol' Wigger, who up to now has kept a low profile, was on TV. Well, not Ol' Wigger, but his house. For some reason, two thugs got the bright idea of going in and busting up the place, then pistol whipping the Wigger, demanding to know where he kept the money and other stuff that is apparently quite valuable and illegal to possess. The police came and shot the side of Ol' Wigger's house and both of the suspects. One died. Ol' Wigger is in the hospital.

International Day of the Moron

Today must be the international day of the moron.

A guy sent his wife in for a battery for the ATV. It is for the green one, not the other one. He figured we would know what battery to sell his wife because the guy he bought the ATV from bought it from us 10 years ago. She thinks it might be a Honda or something like a Honda but different. She knows one of them might be a Honda, but they have three.

Daffy told a client his bike won't run because it has kerosene in it. The customer explained to Dafffy that it is full of racing gas, not kerosene. He then inquired as to how Daffy became the service writer. Daffy explained that he doesn't know anything about motorcycles, but he thinks they are cool. He forgets that on his second day on the job as janitor, Daffy slipped in a puddle of dog pee and fell into a bike which then fell on his leg. Next thing he knew, he was hobbling around back in service, and making almost 8 dollars an hour.

Two idiots bringing their ATV in for service let it fall out of the back of their pick up, It took a bad bounce and landed wheels up. They then asked in service if the damage could be covered by warranty because this had never happened all the other times they let the ATV fall out the back of their pickup. "When you drop a quad off the back of your pickup, it's supposed to land on it's ass and stay there..."

Star convinced his new girlfriend to buy him a motorcycle in her name.

Another idiot called and wanted to know about making his suspension better for motocross racing. Somehow he got connected to Mondo, who told him an old racer's trick is to fill the forks with mayonnaise.We are anxiously awaiting the outcome of this conversation.

Paco tried to get the pay program structured so it makes sense. The CSB looked up from myspace and told him she'll look into it.

Weavepole Dave from Match.com

The CSB decided she needs someone in her life to pay all the bills so she can escape this hellhole. AOL only serves up losers, and Eharmony wants too much information, so she joined Match.com. She then asked the Rhino to help her wade through the cesspool and pick out the most qualified suspects. They settled on Dave. He looked a little homely in every photo of him, but has a house, claims to make a lot of money, and is attracted to the CSB. The odds of her blurting out the wrong name are greatly reduced with guys named Dave as well.

They decided to refer to him as Ugly Dave.

The CSB went out with ugly Dave, then went over to his house the next day to inventory his assets and the dogs shit all over the floor while their owner had unprotected sex with a butt ugly troll from the internet. Even though he is homely and his chances of hooking up with someone with anything going for her are slim to none, Ugly Dave decided the dogs shitting on his Pergo floors is too much. So he called it off.

This infuriated the CSB and between bouts of drug induced coma, tears and telling everyone within earshot that Ugly Dave thinks he has a big dick, but it isn't really that big, she said she doesn't ever want to see him again, and that if he can't handle the dogs, he is a fucking asshole who can go fuck himself and is going to end up old, bitter and alone.

After a couple of days of realizing that nobody with decent eyesight will have sex with him, Ugly Dave showed up at the Lazy K with a set of weave poles he made for the dogs out of diamond stock steel, aluminum and pvc pipe. He pretended to take an interest in dog agility, leaned down to pet Bandit and held the poodle without grimacing and helped the CSB move some motorcycles and ATVs out of the way to make a 30 foot strip of open space where the dogs could run through the poles across the dealership floor, barking madly.

This made all the employees go from pitying him to actual hatred of him. The dogs shit and pissed all over the mat the weavepoles sit on.

But the CSB is going out with him again.

The Nasty Kiss

Tits Ahoy mended her relationship with Psycho Jedi. She says that he really knows how to fuck. Either that or she really needed a babysitter for her 5 year old son, while she was at the Lazy K.

Psycho Jedi looks like he just crawled out from under a rock. He has tattoos covering both arm and legs. His hair is down to his mid back and in the front his hair gets tangled with his uneven beard. He wears black t-shirts with holes and baggy cut off shorts. And he must like to take his wallet for walks because he has a chain attached to it.

Mondo asked Tits Ahoy "If you let him watch your kid, why don't you let him take a shower at your apartment?"

I have to believe that Tits Ahoy just loves, down right dirty sex!

That afternoon Psycho Jedi stopped in to see his woman. After the sexual comments exchanged inside the store, Tits Ahoy walked her long haired rogue out to the car. He gave her a big long sloppy kiss right as the Rhino was walking by.

Rhino's face as she came in from lunch, was pale, like she was Caucasian instead of Mexican.

"What wrong with you? Was there a gruesome accident?" Beans asked the Rhino. "Worse! I just saw Tits Ahoy kissing that nasty thing she calls a boyfriend." Rhino said just before she puked.

In the Line of Fire

" I hate ATV customers, They are such fucking assholes!!" Screamed the CSB at the top of her lungs. It was a rough morning for the CSB, because she had to sell something. Boo Hoo. "That's it! Star, grab the first job application from the box in the office, I need more salesmen." She ordered.

Star did as told and set up an interview within an hour! Apparently the new hire had nothing else going on and waiting for the call. After the interview Star hired Peewee Herman right on the spot.

CSB told Peewee that she didn't have time to teach him how to sell. So she threw all the brochures she had on his desk. "Read these."

Peewee tried to introduce himself to Mondo and Beans. "Hello I'm Peewee, what is your name?" He said extending his hand for a warm hand shake.

"Buddy, if you last here long enough I will make an effort to remember your name, til then stay out of my way." Beans pleasantly greeted him. Ignoring him completely Mondo looks at Beans and says "Did they steal from you on your last paycheck? Cuz I'm missing $300 out of mine."

With that, Peewee left and went try his luck with Paco. "Are they always like this to new people?" Paco had an awkward look on his face and said "What are you talking about this is how it is every day, welcome to hell." Then Peewee went and sat at the back desk and didn't say anymore.

The CSB had been trying to eat her lunch for the past hour, but she was too busy dealing with unhappy customers. By the time she had cleared up all the problems, she was starving. Just as she picked up her fork, one of the advertising reps came in to take pictures of the used bikes for this weeks ad. "Get away from me I'm trying to eat my fucking lunch, can't you see that?!"

Star stopped the rep before he could escape. He explained that the CSB really didn't mean to snap at him. After the ten min apology, Star helped the rep take pictures and thanked the rep for coming in.

"You are the best manager, Star, thanks so much for taking care of that jerk for me." said the CSB. "And for your great work you can have this weekend off."

"None of you better call in sick this weekend because Star is off." She warned. Then she took some pills and went to the back office to sleep with the dogs.

While The Bitch Is Away The Children Will Play

Without Fearless Leader CSB has made a manager out of Star.

The CSB had another dog show to attend.

Paco was getting an early start by selling an ATV to the first victim of the day. "Where is Star? I need him to sign this p.o." The dealership's big screen tv, Star and Baby Hitler were nowhere to be found. "If your looking for the only managers we have, check the back office" Beans informed Paco in her smart ass tone of voice. There they were with the lights off and tv on (watching porn with their dicks in hand? No). Star brought in his xbox and challenged Baby to a game of Tiger Woods' golf.

Don't you wish you could get paid for playing video games!?

To get in on the fun and games, Beans had a sticker she thought would look nice on the back of Daffy's Jeep. She nabbed the sticker from the lesbo bar downtown the night before. The sticker is a blue square with a yellow equal sign. And for those of you that don't know what that stands for, it is a symbol for the Human Rights Campaign. Also if you see one on a car, the person driving is most likely gay.

"Cool someone gave me a new sticker!" Daffy bragged to all the service techs. When they asked what it meant. Daffy told them "Duh, it's a shift racing gear sticker."

True, it does resemble the shift logo.

After the parts employees realized that their manager could see them while he was playing Tiger Woods. They collected all the dog toys laying around the shop. Once they had enough, the plan was for two of them to swing open the service doors, and the rest of them to bomb the techs!

Of course one good turn deserves another. The techs returned fire on the parts department. Toys were bouncing off of motorcycles left and right. This went on for a good 20 minutes.

"Hey! quit fucking around and get some work done!" Star told them.

CSB is so happy she found someone she could trust to babysit the employees while she is away.

Is Chocolate Bad for Dogs?

The CSB decided this morning that she hates the Lazy K and the employees who work for her. Whenever someone is working with a potential customer, she will get out a throw toy and toss it across the dealership, usually nearby. The Poodle chases it, and Bandit chases the Poodle, barking like crazy. This is very unnerving, and makes it hard to stay focused on making a sale.

From time to time, when he´s not cruising Myspace, Star will get the dogs to chase him through the dealership, barking like crazy. The CSB likes Star very much and encourages him to play with the dogs on company time.

Friar Tuck decided he´s had enough, so during his lunch hour he went over to Safeway and bought one of the supersize bars of Hershey´s Dark Chocolate, the one that weighs almost a half pound and sells for 10 for $1 if you have the card. Over the course of a couple hours, Friar Tuck fed the entire bar to Bandit.

It did slow the barking, Bandit sat on the floor in the middle of the showroom with a dazed look in her eyes. Then Bandit made several incredibly large and runny piles of dog crap in the store, and because it was runny, it got matted into her fur.

So the CSB did the only sensible thing she could think of. She put Bandit on the front counter where the customers go to pay their bills, and cleaned and groomed her. The smell was quite intense.

The CSB yelled at Mondo that he better not be feeding Bandit chicken. Then she had the Rhino type up a memo that the employees were not to feed the dogs and put it in their mailboxes.

The Cat Disappears

After three days of wandering throughout the Lazy K, the cat happened to disappear at the same time the back door was left open. Most people would wonder who was leaving the back door open and how much merchandise was walking out, but the CSB was concerned about the cat. She decided that while selling bikes to customers, Mondo had somehow had an out of body experience that enabled him to also open the back door and throw the cat out. She staggered across the dealership, saying, 'I know who let the cat out, and he better not fuck with my dogs, or he's dead.'

Then she told Mondo, while he was sitting with the other salespeople, that if he got near her dogs, she would kill him, and that if the dogs got near him, he better fucking move.

She returned to the computer to go back to her life on myspace, and glare from time to time at Mondo.

About an hour later, the cat woke up and came out of where ever it was hiding from the dogs.

The CSB apologized to Mondo and told him she doesn't want him going to work for the FSB at the other store, that she loves Mondo. Then she went back to myspace.

Mondo suggested they put the cat on craigslist, and someone came and got it about an hour later with the usual free cat story about how it reminded them of one that just died, and they really would take care of the cat.

I'm sure it's in a lab somewhere with cosmetics in it´s eyes.

The CSB's Pussy

The CSB found a cat wandering in her neighborhood. So she did the only insane thing she could think of. She brought the cat to work. Mondo is allergic to cats, so she told him he would have to stay home until we find the cat a new home, even though he is the best salesperson at the LazyK.

As Mondo was packing his stuff, the CSB told him she didn't want him to leave, and would keep the cat in the parts department.

So the cat stayed in the parts department until the Rhino decided to bring it up to the front counter and feed it. Then it stayed in the parts department until it decided to wander through the store and find Mondo. Then it stayed in the parts department until the Poodle decided to chase the cat through the store. Then it stayed in the parts department until Friar Tuck decided to carry it over to Mondo's desk and put it in his chair.

Mondo is making plans to make the cat disappear.

A Rhino takes the plunge

Today Baby Hitler was loading a Rhino, the ATV made by Yamaha, not the cuddly but disease ridden office manager at the Lazy K, into the back of the happy new owner's pickup. Baby Hitler forgot to tie the ramps to the bed of the truck, so the Rhino fell off the back of the truck and stood on end then slowly fell to the right.

Daffy and the nameless service techs came out and applauded and made whooping sounds.

The customer was a bit upset, but became even more so when the CSB pointed out to him that he had signed a piece of paper absolving the Lazy K of responsibility for fucking up customer owned vehicles.

She did offer to help him file a claim with his insurance company then had the Rhino, the office manager, not the ATV, make even bigger signs stating the Lazy K is not responsible for loading or unloading customer owned vehicles.

Had Enough?

Fearless Leader puffs out his chest and says, “No law is gonna tell me where I can or can’t smoke!”

Applebees was the first place to go non-smoking.

“Well I’m not going to fucking Applebees again, and I hope the rest of the smokers do the same, we’ll put that damn restaurant out of business!” Unfortunately, for him, the smoking ban spread through the city. Last to go non-smoking was the good ol’ Lazy K.

Do you think Fearless Leader submitted to the new law?

Soon after the mayor received an anonymous email sent from the Lazy K while Mondo was at the Suzuki computer, informing the City that a certain dealership would not comply with the smoking ordinance, the cops were sent out to investigate.

Fearless Leader tried to outwit the law by standing inside the front door with his smoking arm and yellowed fingers holding a camel on the outside.

“My cigarette is not inside the building, you can’t do anything to me.” taunted Fearless Leader, "I am in compliance with the law."

Surprisingly, after explaining to both Fearless Leader and the CSB that technically the Lazy K and Fearless Leader were not in compliance with the smoking ban as long as Fearless Leader stood blocking the doorway and sticking his lips outside to take a drag, the dealership was let off with just a warning.

“Fucking Mondo! I know he did this to me.” Fearless Leader complained to a dealership full of people who hated him and were glad to see him suffer.

Without the privilege of smoking when and whereever he wanted and previous the rumors of drug testing, Fearless Leader’s stress level was boiling. To top it off, the CSB told all the employees that he was a fucking idiot and not to listen to a word he said.

Soon he was laughed at when barking orders. No one had any respect left for the ol’ inmate. After weeks of daily depression that not even the best drugs on the market could help, Fearless Leader threw in the towel. He only told the CSB that he would no longer be a member of the Lazy K.

The staff though it was a big hocus. He had been with the company for 15 years. With a record like his where else could he get a job?

Only baby Hitler cried when Fearless Leader's big red toolbox was loaded into the back of the company pickup and driven off the lot for the final time.

He lasted three days selling cell phones at Verizon.

Mondo and the Tomato

Mondo is a loner. Not the kind of loner that goes up in a building with a high powered rifle and picks off people he thinks might have something to do with whatever makes him angry, but the kind of loner who likes to ride his motorcycle long distances, read interesting and inspirational literature, and surf the web late at night looking for free porn sites. Every now and then Mondo thinks it would be nice to have someone to share this aloneness.

Having tired of waking up with a hangover and one arm around the village hunchback, and despite watching the CSB sift through the various losers of the week, Mondo decided to try internet dating. He found a free online dating site, and that made the decision easy.

Mondo started conversing with Betty Boop, who described herself as a former entertainer and hotel manager who is presently out on disability. BB sent Mondo some photos, and she appeared to be pretty cute, petite, long blond hair, height and weight proportional, just like her ad said. And no matter what Mondo said he likes, BB likes it too. Maybe, just maybe, Mondo had found his soul mate after all.

They decided to meet.

As luck would have it, BB has a brother and her mom living nearby, so she volunteered to drive four states to the left and meet Mondo. He took a day off and waited for her.

It was after eleven pm when a Chevy Suburban pulled into Mondo's driveway, and kids started pouring out in all directions. BB decided to bring her daughter Trashisha, and her daughter's three kids, all from different fathers, the last one apparently hoping to get his green card via inseminating Trashisha. Last but not least, hobbling up to the door on crutches, BB smiled and looked just like a little round happy face on a red ripe tomato. Sometime between when the photos were taken and she got out of the car in front of Mondo's place, BB had put on 80 pounds.
But what did that matter? They are soul mates.

They rushed the house, the kids promptly found anything edible and devoured it like locusts, and then BB asked Mondo if he could drive Trashisha and the kids over to her brother's place, because the Suburban was out of gas and she didn't have any money to buy more.

By the time they were ready to leave, it was long past midnight. Mondo loaded the tribe into his Tercel, and off they went in search of BB's brother's trailer. BB couldn't fit into the Tercel, so she stayed behind.

"How long you been a member of the site?" Trashisha asked Mondo.

"Too long."

"It's a pretty good site. I was using it for a while, but the last guy I went out with just wanted to rub my belly because I was eight months pregnant. He was a weirdo."

Mondo dropped the tribe off at Brother's doublewide, stopped at a bar along the way for several shots and beer chasers, then went back to his Tomato.

When the Tomato said she used to be an entertainer, she meant stripper, and when she said she was out on disability, she meant for the last four years. But Mondo didn't care, he just wanted to pass out. So he hid his wallet and keys and eased back onto the couch.

Mondo woke up in his own bed, naked, with the Tomato smiling down at him. He had a hangover.

"You were great last night," said the Tomato.

"Did I use a condom?" Mondo sat upright with a look of concern on his face.

"We were in too much of a hurry, but don't worry, I've had my tubes tied."

That's not what Mondo was worrying about, so he got out of bed and ran into the bathroom, where he drenched his genitals with Listerine. He decided to take a couple of the vicodin he had left over from his last bout of back pain, and what do you know, there were exactly a couple left, despite the bottle being about half full the day previous.

As the fog between his ears slowly lifted, Mondo realized there was an annoying buzz in the background, "Moving back here..., don't know where we'll stay..., need to get a fresh start..., getting a settlement soon..., You are wonderful..., really big place for just one person..., I'm walking better now, just a matter of time...."

Mondo went to work. He didn't sell anything. Walking hurts after you soak your genitals in mouthwash, so he was unusually subdued.

When he returned home, the Tomato was still there. It had eaten everything and wanted to go out for more food. Mondo said he was tired and just wanted to stay in and watch a movie. That was fine too with the Tomato. Anything was fine with the Tomato. The Tomato was remarkably easy to get along with.

Since they were going to be there all night, Trashisha came by and dropped her kids off then headed north towards the bright lights and bar scene downtown.

All of the children were at least two days from their last bath, and three days from putting on clean clothes. Pedrito, the baby, needed his diaper changed. Trashisha decided the best place to change the diaper was on the floor in front of Mondo while he tried to watch television and tune the horror out. The middle child was a boy with a very long raggedy mullet. Mondo suggested that maybe they could post a photo on one of the websites dedicated to photos of mullets.

Trashisha left and the children proceeded to break anything that could be broken. Mondo sat in his favorite chair and slowly drank himself into a stupor. The buzzing sound coming out of the tomato became hypnotic in it's ability to put Mondo into a deep deep trance. It was if he didn't want to be there, so he was somewhere else, riding his motorcycle against the wind across the vast Argentine pampa.

About 4 AM, Mondo woke to a loud pounding on the door. He went to answer it and found Trashisha drunk, with her nose broken and a taxi in the driveway waiting to get paid. Mondo handed Trashisha a twenty, and didn't get any change back.

Trashisha had gotten into a fight with a girl in the parking lot of the bar Mondo likes to go to the most, then the girlfriend's boyfriend had punched Trashisha in the nose, breaking it. Trashisha wanted to know if Mondo had a gun she could borrow, and another twenty to take her back to the bar.

Mondo slept that night with one eye open, woke bright and early the next morning, gave the Tomato gas money back to whatever hellhole she surfaced from, and told the lot of them he was moving to South America in two days.

Star Does the CSB

To celebrate Beans' birthday, Star and the CSB took her to one of the local bars, and got themselves good and drunk. Beans had to meet another friend, but Star and the CSB were too hammered to follow her, so they sat on the curb and called the Rhino to come and get them. When the Rhino got there, they were gone. Somehow Star got the CSB into his car and drove her home. Once there he stayed for three hours.

The next morning at work the CSB said, "I never realized what a good salesman Star is."

Both denied anything had occured between them, except that the CSB showed Star all the ribbons the Poodle won in agility and about a thousand and a half photos of the Poodle.

Star told his friend who works at the deli managed by fat Friar Tuck's fat future wife that he had sex with the CSB. Star wants the CSB to take him out for his 24th birthday.

This guy should work at the Lazy K http://break.com/index/drive_through_oil_change_gone_wrong.html

The Poodle Chews It

This afternoon the Rhino walked out of the back office carrying the Poodle and a jar of peanut butter.

Here's some good motorcycle links
http://web.mac.com/bentlaw/iWeb/So-Cal%20Motorcycle/Hot%20Links.html

Paid Friends

Star is one of the salespeople at the Lazy K. He has a girlfriend. For a while, between Ellie May and Tits Ahoy, the Lazy K couldn't find anyone to work for a mere pittance. So Star talked his girlfriend, a nursing student that makes you terrified of getting sick and having to go to the hospital, into being the receptionist. She found answering phones and transfering calls a little easier than running catheters up old withered pricks.

We hired her as Ellie May was leaving, and had to give Ellie May a 50 cent raise so she would be making the same amount as someone young and cute with no experience was going to start at.

The CSB liked the new receptionist. For some reason, many of the customers and perverts who lurk at the Lazy K thought she might be the CSB's daughter. And she adores the CSB. She got her hair highlighted like the CSBs and even went out and paid too much at Petland for a small dog, like the CSBs. The little dog died four days later, leaving Star's girlfriend $3600 in debt and having to prove to Petland she didn't kill the dog. An autopsy was called for and the CSB, between bouts of cruising for molesters on myspace, sent an email to her fellow little dog fanatics calling for a boycott of Petland until they gave Star's girlfriend a new dog. She called Petland four times from the Lazy K and told the person on the other end of the phone to go fuck herself when they were not forthcoming with another puppy.

But alas, all good things must come to an end. Nursing school started, and Star's girlfriend had to return to the world of catheters and colostomy bags.

The CSB was crestfallen. She had a friend, a daughter almost, someone who liked highlights and small dogs and making them do dumb things. So she did the only thing she could think of. She told Star's girlfriend that she could stay on the payroll and clock in and they could just talk and hang out, meanwhile Star's girlfriend would be getting paid to be her friend.

Like sleaze? Want to see more? check out the link below.

http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2006/10/27/couricandco/entry2132340.shtml

Mondo

Mondo heard that the Lazy K was the best place for a salesperson to make money, because they have no rules on what you can charge customers. He came from another dealership that he only worked at for two weeks. Mondo only works in the summer months and spends the rest of the time traveling by bike. Also he has a girlfriend in every country that he visits.

He is quite good at sales. Let me give you a perfect example:

Beans has a friend named Beanie. Lesbians often have the same name, imagine yelling out your own name in bed! Anyway, Beanie came in to the Lazy K to buy another bike. She asked for Beans but unfortunately it was her day off.

Mondo was nice to Beanie, he even helped her decide that she didn’t want a street bike but a dirt bike. It was Mondo’s best deal. The new dirt bike was a three year old left over model that had been sitting in the Lazy K’s outdoor warehouse. It had nice rust colored forks and rims. MSRP on this unit is $2299, but Mondo offered it to her for $1999. Mondo explained to Beanie that this fine jewel was $59 dollars per month. What a deal!!! She couldn’t pass it up. Later she realized that the total on the loan was $4687.18, and she didn’t really want a dirt bike.

That following day Beans received a phone call from Beanie. “I bought a dirt bike and I really wanted a street sport bike, and I can't kickstart it. Can I return it?” Beans told her that there was nothing she could do once the paperwork is done and the merchandise has been picked up, it’s a done deal. Beans was upset that her friend was a victim of Mondo.


M
ondo’s sister is an artist in another state. I’d say it’s safe to assume that it runs in the family. Mondo is a con-artist. Friar Tuck even spent all last winter on the internet trying to find someone that the con-artist ripped off, so they would come and put Mondo behind bars. Friar found some good information about Mondo owing a half million dollars to one of the 50 states. No such luck with eliminating Mondo, because apparently the state has more important people to be concerned with.

Just to fuck with Mondo for all the shit he does to people. Rhino found a great way to play a prank on him. He left his cell phone lying on his piles of junk on his desk. Rhino plucked it from the filth. She found his “in town” woman’s number and sent her a loving text message. Then she erased it. Mondo only was able to see the reply. It read: How sweet! Me too. -------I LOVE U.

Then at 3a.m. Mondo’s cell phone alarm went off. Also the great work of Rhino.

A Lesson in Appropriate Behavior

It was a rainy day so naturally it was slow at the Lazy K. The CSB left for the day. With nothing else going on, Tits-a-ahoy played on the work computer while Beans played with her hair.

Beans has a sick addiction to playing with hair. It doesn't matter if its her own or someone else's. She also makes a strange clicking sound with her tongue, kinda like she is sucking on a nipple. Beans claims that she has been doing this all 29 years of her life.

Beans is twisting away at Tits-a-ahoy's hair when a customer walks in to speak with Fearless Leader. Fearless Leader was blabbing away at anyone within earshot about what a great racer he used to be. Then he realized the customers were distracted by the girls behind him doing a hair ritual. Or maybe they were bored with his story. Either way they weren't listening to Fearless Leader and when he speaks the world should stop.

After the customers left, Fearless Leader told Beans "that is inappropriate behavior, people might think you are gay!" Fearless Leader is sharp as a marble, umm hello, Beans is gay.

Fearless Leader decided to go out back, smoke a blunt, and down a 40 to calm his nerves. He stumbles back in to the store. Finally makes it behind the front counter to apologize to Beans and Tits. Then he gives a love tap to Beans' ass. Wobbling a little more he almost falls but thank the heavens that Tits-a-ahoy has watermelons that he can grab onto and save himself.

Here's an appropriate gift for your youngster

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=412195&in_page_id=17

The Poodle cyberstalks

Tits Ahoy had a boyfriend. They broke up and started trading insults back and forth on myspace. He accused her of being a slutbag and she replied that he is a closet homosexual. This went on for several days. One by one, Tits Ahoy pulled the other members of this all too comic train wreck waiting to happen over to the computer Suzuki bought the company so we could show prospective customers various models that we don't stock but can order, and let them partake of the banter, reading aloud the most interesting of the exchanges before forwarding them to all her myspace friends and relatives.

The CSB became interested in the witty repartee, and decided to add to the drama. So she logged onto myspace with the Poodle's account and told Psycho Jedi, the ex, that he, the Poodle, is having sex with Tits Ahoy, fucking her eight ways to Sunday, and that she is begging for more. And he doesn't know why Psycho Jedi left Tits Ahoy, because she is now the Poodle's favorite bitch.

Psycho Jedi responded to the Poodle by saying that he wished the Poodle luck, that the Poodle wouldn't ever reach bottom in Tits Ahoy, and that Tits Ahoy is, believe it or not, a cheating slutbag.

The CSB replied, speaking, or rather typing, in the voice, or rather bark, of the Poodle, saying that maybe Psycho Jedi isn't man enough to fuck Tits Ahoy properly.

Psycho Jedi answered back that the Poodle shouldn't fuck with him, Tits Ahoy is a lesbo slutbag, and that if he didn't keep his snout shut, Psycho Jedi would make it so the Poodle went to work with half a face.

The Poodle then said maybe Psycho Jedi has a very small dick.

Then the Poodle asked Psycho Jedi if he could be Psycho Jedi's friend, hoping Psycho Jedi would respond affirmatively and they could exchange insults in one another's comment space.

Psycho Jedi replied that he really is going to fuck up the amazing typing dog really bad, and that Tits Ahoy is a real slutbag and really big skank, and that no, he doesn't want to be the Poodle's friend. And he reiterated that he really is going to fuck up the Poodle really bad if the Poodle doesn't stop fucking with him.

While she was typing on behalf of the Poodle to Psycho Jedi, the CSB moved in her chair, and it ran over one of the Poodle's legs. He yelped.

"You fucking idiot, get out from under the chair," said the CSB, "Dumbass can do agility but he can't get out of the way of my fucking chair."

Later this evening, Mr. Moose got on myspace as the Poodle and told Psycho Jedi he really should consider Penis Enhancement surgery.

Ever wonder what happens when dogs taunt lunatics on myspace? http://www.mlive.com/news/bctimes/index.ssf?/base/news-8/116170304311310.xml&coll=4

Taco Dave and the dealer plate

Things aren't going well for the CSB with the new man of her dreams, so Taco Dave is back sniffing around. He brought his little dog over to play while he took one of the dealerships used bikes out for a ride. The dogs played and fought and barked, and chased little children back to their parents, and took turns pissing on things. Then they collected in the doorway and decided to hump one another. So as customers came in to buy things, they had to step over or around little humping dogs to get to the motorcycles and ATVs.

The CSB thinks it is adorable to watch dogs hump in the doorway, so she takes video of them, then posts it on the Poodle's myspace, and has everyone in the store come and watch it on the computer while she makes bizarre comments.

When Taco Dave came back with the used bike, the dealer plate was missing. So the CSB went back to the service department and screamed at the guy who gets $7 an hour to wash the bikes and keep the place clean that he is a fucking idiot and is going to pay to replace the plate. Then she got the leashes and went out with Taco Dave to walk the dogs.

The guy who gets $7 an hour to work his ass off for a boss who will never be satisfied told everyone there was no way the plate could have come off. Baby Hitler told him he is a fucking idiot after the CSB got done screaming at Baby Hitler about hiring fucking incompetents.

The guy who gets $7 an hour doesn't think it's fair that he has to pay for the plate.

Our dental plan just changed. This is the new provider.

http://break.com/index/ukranian_dentist.html

Tacky Ass

As you read this, keep in mind that Mondo is around 47 yrs old and Friar Tuck is a little over 30.

It's getting near the end of the Suzuki dead line and Mondo is pulling out every trick in the book to sell two more Suzukis so he can receive his bonus. Friar Tuck tries to take Mondo out of his game by telling him "Beans, Paco, and I have decided to not sell you any of our Suzukis so you have to get your bonus on your own" Friar Tuck told Mondo that he'd bet him 100 bucks that he won't be able to pull it off. Mondo boasted back "I have two more hours tonight and all day tomorrow to sell them."

Then at the last half hour of the day, wouldn't you know it, two young guys want a Suzuki "buddy pack" and Mondo happily grabs a bill of sale to start the paper work. This pissed off Friar Tuck, his face was red and he looked around for something to do to Mondo. Finding a tack in his desk, he snatched it up and ran over to Mondo's chair and placed it neatly upwards.

Beans having somewhat of a heart said "Oh my God, what are you doing that's going to hurt!, you can't do that!" Just then Mondo working fast, while his customers are looking at accessories, he sits right down on the tack! YEEEEEEOOOW!!! It was like watching a cartoon character. Steam rolled out of his ears when he picked up the tack and glared at Friar.

Then he runs over and tries to stab Friar with the tack like it was a steak knife in a horror film. Beans and Paco are in stitches watching the whole thing go down like it was a preschool play ground. Finally the CSB looks up from myspace and asks, "what is going on?" And like they were caught by a teacher, they stopped, looked up and said "Nothing."

Here's a place that is run like the Lazy K

http://steelturman.typepad.com/thesteeldeal/2006/10/the_decline_of_.html

The Buddha Chokes

Before he could start his busy day of watching College Football, the Buddha needed a little nourishment. So he trundled over to the mini-mart and got himself a liter of orange soda and some Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies. This is a man who, between cigarettes, has broken three desk chairs , including literally cracking the wheels in half on the last one, six customer chairs, and two toilet seats. Can you imagine what it takes to break a toilet seat in two? We had to buy him a chair with a 500 Lb. rating. The Buddha likes the new chair but complains that it is difficult to sleep in.

The Buddha parked himself in front of the big screen and proceeded to pop little cookies into his mouth. One went down wrong, and he started to cough and choke. This went on for several moments, leading Beans to look at Mondo and ask if the Buddha would be okay. They looked at the Buddha and realized that between bouts of choking and coughing, he was still shoveling cookies into his mouth.

An idiot drove slowly by, peering intently into the plate glass, trying to see through the showroom and decide what motorcycle to buy at 5 mph.

Then a moron in a big truck pulling a trailer decided the best place to park was right in front of the Lazy K, blocking both entrances while he went to the service department to see if his ATV was fixed. It wasn't, but they convinced him it was. To check whether or not they fixed whatever problem it has required the moron to race his quad across the parking lot as fast as he could and then slam on the brakes before hitting the mini-mart. He needed to do this several times before deciding it was fixed, loading his quad and giving us our doors back.

Mondo fed Bandit the entire crust of a pizza he'd split with Paco for lunch yesterday and the poodle took a big shit on the carpet. The Rhino covered it up with a paper towel.

Idiot #2 for the day called and the service department told him one of the 4x4 quads isn't really four wheel drive, then transferred him up to sales so they could explain what he meant. Beans picked up the line, listened to his nonsense, then paged Mondo, "Mondo, there's an idiot on line one," Fortunately, she only does this when the store is devoid of customers.

Idiot #2 wanted best prices and detailed specifications on four different ATVs. Somebody at work was selling one and he wanted to know if it was a good deal. He wanted an explanation of what limited slip means. Mondo listened to Idiot #2 for about fifteen seconds, then told Idiot #2 he could find answers to all his questions on the internet. Idiot #2 told Mondo he wanted to talk to him instead. So Mondo said he had another call and put Idiot #2 on punitive hold, then ate an apple. By the time he got back to the line, Beans had hung up on Idiot #2 because she didn't like the sound the phone makes when an idiot is put on punitive hold for a long time.

the CSB spent the morning passed out on her back in the office. She had a date yesterday with a Highway Patrol officer she found on myspace, who she says is the one, then talked on the phone with him telling him how much fun she had, and with Taco Dave telling him she can't wait to see him later. Apparently this is exhausting. Maybe it's keeping all the stories straight that taxes her grey matter. Or the two maracas she got from Canadian pharmacies yesterday.

Then the CSB went to get a massage.

She came back and watched Prime, and found the film inspirational, because it was about her life if Uma Thurman was an aging drugged out skank who screws bottom feeders she scoops up off the internet.

Mondo is getting several very interesting replies from the members of blacksingles.com, including one guy who seems to be trying to relive his experiences in Attica.

If you ride a bike, or even if you don't, please sign the Vespatition

http://www.vespausa.com/Vespatition/