Feng Shui

The FSB (fat sneaky bitch, younger sister of the CSB) was supposed to meet the CSB early in the morning to take photos for the annual Christmas card. But the CSB had an appointment with her gynocologist which turned into an all day fishing expedition, so the FSB had nothing to do.

She began talking to her crystal. The FSB lifted it to her head like a cellphone and asked it what to do to make the world, or at least the Lazy K, a better place. The crystal told her it was up to the FSB to rearrange the desks in as idiotic a layout as humanly possible, and that it would guide her in this process.

Actually it told her to make the employees of the Lazy K move the desks. So she pulled the mechanics out of the service bay and the parts guys out from behind the parts counter and told them to obey the magic rock. They got to move the desks five times before the crystal was happy.

Six hours later, and no sign of the CSB, but one of the desks was back by the doors leading to the service department, another was back by the garage door leading outside, in the area where the dogs like to relieve themselves and customers never set foot. Neither location has a phone so the salespeople can make or take sales calls. And the crystal surrounded Star's desk with a chain link cage, to make him seem either more powerful, or incarcerated.

Paco must be pretty special. He got to touch the crystal. The crystal told the FSB that he's not only a good guy, but a hell of a desk mover. Paco could go far with the Lazy K, as long as he never pisses off the magic rock.

Here is the kind of anecdote one gets to hear at the Lazy K, usually over lunch:

Mr. Moose was drunk and got in the shower last nite with her socks on. She told The Rhino to get in with her. Then she told the Rhino to remove her socks, and when the Rhino's head was down by Mr. Moose's big flabby ass, Mr. Moose let loose with a big fat fart right in the Rhino's face.

The Rhino loves telling this story. It gives other people indigestion.

Ellie May returns to the Fold

Ellie May stopped by, and Mondo was sort of excited. Ever since she lost 40 pounds and confessed to everyone at the Lazy K one night after work at Karaoke that she was in love with Mondo, he actually considered having sex with her, if she would leave quietly at the first sign of light and never tell anyone.

This was after she broke up with hillbilly one and went to live with hillbilly two, who ran the karaoke. It was a pretty busy pair of days for Ellie May.

But no, her business was with the CSB. One of her blue collar friends has a Vicodin prescription from when his hand was cut off in an industrial accident. Aparently he can't feel anything anymore in that hand, so the vicodin really isn't necessary. Since he can't return to work, the cash would be nice. He gave the pills to Ellie May and told her he would like $100 for them so he can feed his kids. She sold them to the CSB for $250. That's more than Ellie May ever made in a week at the Lazy K.

The CSB said goodbye to Ellie May, told the Rhino what a loser Ellie May is, and went in the back to sleep with the dogs.

Isn't that Ol' Wigger's house on TV?

"Turn on the news, you're not going to believe it,"

Friar Tuck was practically whacking off while delivering the bad news to the entire staff of the Lazy K. Ol' Wigger, who up to now has kept a low profile, was on TV. Well, not Ol' Wigger, but his house. For some reason, two thugs got the bright idea of going in and busting up the place, then pistol whipping the Wigger, demanding to know where he kept the money and other stuff that is apparently quite valuable and illegal to possess. The police came and shot the side of Ol' Wigger's house and both of the suspects. One died. Ol' Wigger is in the hospital.

International Day of the Moron

Today must be the international day of the moron.

A guy sent his wife in for a battery for the ATV. It is for the green one, not the other one. He figured we would know what battery to sell his wife because the guy he bought the ATV from bought it from us 10 years ago. She thinks it might be a Honda or something like a Honda but different. She knows one of them might be a Honda, but they have three.

Daffy told a client his bike won't run because it has kerosene in it. The customer explained to Dafffy that it is full of racing gas, not kerosene. He then inquired as to how Daffy became the service writer. Daffy explained that he doesn't know anything about motorcycles, but he thinks they are cool. He forgets that on his second day on the job as janitor, Daffy slipped in a puddle of dog pee and fell into a bike which then fell on his leg. Next thing he knew, he was hobbling around back in service, and making almost 8 dollars an hour.

Two idiots bringing their ATV in for service let it fall out of the back of their pick up, It took a bad bounce and landed wheels up. They then asked in service if the damage could be covered by warranty because this had never happened all the other times they let the ATV fall out the back of their pickup. "When you drop a quad off the back of your pickup, it's supposed to land on it's ass and stay there..."

Star convinced his new girlfriend to buy him a motorcycle in her name.

Another idiot called and wanted to know about making his suspension better for motocross racing. Somehow he got connected to Mondo, who told him an old racer's trick is to fill the forks with mayonnaise.We are anxiously awaiting the outcome of this conversation.

Paco tried to get the pay program structured so it makes sense. The CSB looked up from myspace and told him she'll look into it.

Weavepole Dave from Match.com

The CSB decided she needs someone in her life to pay all the bills so she can escape this hellhole. AOL only serves up losers, and Eharmony wants too much information, so she joined Match.com. She then asked the Rhino to help her wade through the cesspool and pick out the most qualified suspects. They settled on Dave. He looked a little homely in every photo of him, but has a house, claims to make a lot of money, and is attracted to the CSB. The odds of her blurting out the wrong name are greatly reduced with guys named Dave as well.

They decided to refer to him as Ugly Dave.

The CSB went out with ugly Dave, then went over to his house the next day to inventory his assets and the dogs shit all over the floor while their owner had unprotected sex with a butt ugly troll from the internet. Even though he is homely and his chances of hooking up with someone with anything going for her are slim to none, Ugly Dave decided the dogs shitting on his Pergo floors is too much. So he called it off.

This infuriated the CSB and between bouts of drug induced coma, tears and telling everyone within earshot that Ugly Dave thinks he has a big dick, but it isn't really that big, she said she doesn't ever want to see him again, and that if he can't handle the dogs, he is a fucking asshole who can go fuck himself and is going to end up old, bitter and alone.

After a couple of days of realizing that nobody with decent eyesight will have sex with him, Ugly Dave showed up at the Lazy K with a set of weave poles he made for the dogs out of diamond stock steel, aluminum and pvc pipe. He pretended to take an interest in dog agility, leaned down to pet Bandit and held the poodle without grimacing and helped the CSB move some motorcycles and ATVs out of the way to make a 30 foot strip of open space where the dogs could run through the poles across the dealership floor, barking madly.

This made all the employees go from pitying him to actual hatred of him. The dogs shit and pissed all over the mat the weavepoles sit on.

But the CSB is going out with him again.

The Nasty Kiss

Tits Ahoy mended her relationship with Psycho Jedi. She says that he really knows how to fuck. Either that or she really needed a babysitter for her 5 year old son, while she was at the Lazy K.

Psycho Jedi looks like he just crawled out from under a rock. He has tattoos covering both arm and legs. His hair is down to his mid back and in the front his hair gets tangled with his uneven beard. He wears black t-shirts with holes and baggy cut off shorts. And he must like to take his wallet for walks because he has a chain attached to it.

Mondo asked Tits Ahoy "If you let him watch your kid, why don't you let him take a shower at your apartment?"

I have to believe that Tits Ahoy just loves, down right dirty sex!

That afternoon Psycho Jedi stopped in to see his woman. After the sexual comments exchanged inside the store, Tits Ahoy walked her long haired rogue out to the car. He gave her a big long sloppy kiss right as the Rhino was walking by.

Rhino's face as she came in from lunch, was pale, like she was Caucasian instead of Mexican.

"What wrong with you? Was there a gruesome accident?" Beans asked the Rhino. "Worse! I just saw Tits Ahoy kissing that nasty thing she calls a boyfriend." Rhino said just before she puked.

In the Line of Fire

" I hate ATV customers, They are such fucking assholes!!" Screamed the CSB at the top of her lungs. It was a rough morning for the CSB, because she had to sell something. Boo Hoo. "That's it! Star, grab the first job application from the box in the office, I need more salesmen." She ordered.

Star did as told and set up an interview within an hour! Apparently the new hire had nothing else going on and waiting for the call. After the interview Star hired Peewee Herman right on the spot.

CSB told Peewee that she didn't have time to teach him how to sell. So she threw all the brochures she had on his desk. "Read these."

Peewee tried to introduce himself to Mondo and Beans. "Hello I'm Peewee, what is your name?" He said extending his hand for a warm hand shake.

"Buddy, if you last here long enough I will make an effort to remember your name, til then stay out of my way." Beans pleasantly greeted him. Ignoring him completely Mondo looks at Beans and says "Did they steal from you on your last paycheck? Cuz I'm missing $300 out of mine."

With that, Peewee left and went try his luck with Paco. "Are they always like this to new people?" Paco had an awkward look on his face and said "What are you talking about this is how it is every day, welcome to hell." Then Peewee went and sat at the back desk and didn't say anymore.

The CSB had been trying to eat her lunch for the past hour, but she was too busy dealing with unhappy customers. By the time she had cleared up all the problems, she was starving. Just as she picked up her fork, one of the advertising reps came in to take pictures of the used bikes for this weeks ad. "Get away from me I'm trying to eat my fucking lunch, can't you see that?!"

Star stopped the rep before he could escape. He explained that the CSB really didn't mean to snap at him. After the ten min apology, Star helped the rep take pictures and thanked the rep for coming in.

"You are the best manager, Star, thanks so much for taking care of that jerk for me." said the CSB. "And for your great work you can have this weekend off."

"None of you better call in sick this weekend because Star is off." She warned. Then she took some pills and went to the back office to sleep with the dogs.