Dog Show Day

Today was dog show day, so the CSB left the store in charge of her sister, the FSB (the Fat Sneaky Bitch), also known as the Wicked Bitch of the East Side. She is normally found at the Eastside store, cheating salesmen out of deals and making life miserable for everyone who crosses her path. The FSB will actually go into a salesperson's file on his/her day off, find the credit applications that have been approved and call the client to offer them a better deal because she is the owner. Believe it or not, there is a lot of turnover at her store. Her husband used to be the guy who takes the motorcycles out of the crates and bolts the wheels on. He decided he was in love with the FSB, married her and became the store manager who hates salespeople.

Despite being a liar, thief and sneak, the FSB is extremely spiritual. So she brought her own little shrine to work, and thumb tacked it to the wall beside Paco's desk, which she decided to make her own. This shrine is a collage that features some pictures of roses, a thumb over a crystal ball, a photo of a picture she painted of a woman and a horsey that makes one ask if she has artistic preschoolers at home, and a picture of a crystal in a garden. On the reverse she drew three shamrocks and has velcroed a hand drawn picture of a life preserver. She is also a cat whisperer. On another piece of paper she has a giant round Chinese coin symbol with the words 'intergrity' (sic), 'honesty,' and three other traits she doesn't possess written in a white square in the middle. It is pretty weird.

The FSB also brought a unicycle with her and left it in the middle of the floor where salespeople would have to step over it to get to the computers.

Mondo decided to bow and make Arab ululus to the shrine when the FSB wasn't looking. It didn't help his sales very much. The FSB didn't like her shrine being worshipped in a manner she considered less than sincere, so she moved it to the Buddha's desk. He promptly went to sleep, so evidently the shrine has powers to soothe.

A customer on Divorced Dad's Day With the Kids decided the Lazy K was the best place to bring his daughters and let them run amok while he looked at ATVs and tried to pick up the FSB. The girls yelled and squealed and climbed on all the ATVs, scratching the plastic with their shoes. When Mondo had enough, he opened the big back door and told the little girls there was a clown giving away ice cream at the Big Lots across the busy street and that if they ran real fast, they might get some.

The Buddha's Skylark finally died. The entire suspension on the driver's side wore out and toward the end of it's life the car leaned to the left even when nobody was in it. So he has been riding his motorcycle to work, wondering why people shout "Hey Koolaid!" when he wears red. He posted an ad on the Internet offering to sell one of his motorcycles or trade it for a car and has gotten the usual kooks emailing him offers of $200, a couple of old vans missing motors and some handguns, or offering to make payments to him until they wreck it.

It was either the Rhino's birthday or the anniversary of the day her relatives put her in the trunk of a car and drove her from Tijuana to San Diego, which she has celebrated by two days of trying to eat her own weight in cakes and pies and donuts, making her hide even more taut and sleek. The Rhino and the Buddha are the coronary twins, and they spent the morning grazing on a pizza size cookie while discussing the latest offerings on the Food Channel. Then the Buddha had a cigarette and ate the last donut.

Daffy decided to be part of this story again. He couldn't find the keys to the back door of the service department, so he got a blowtorch and heated the padlock until it was red hot, then beat it with a hammer. The lock didn't open. He heated it again, and beat it even harder. Nothing doing. So Daffy went back and looked around again, and found the keys. He went back and grabbed the lock to open it. Daffy has third degree burns and "MASTER" branded into his palm.

Big Fun Comes in Small Packages

While cleaning around the front counter and the desks, The Rhino finds something strange. She finds this little object pushed to the back of CSB’s desk drawer. It’s wrapped in cigarette cellophane. She shows it to a few co-workers and they assume it’s their boss’s stash of weed.

The CSB is not at work.

Not sure what to do with it, The Rhino gives the object to Fearless Leader. Excitedly, he takes the find to the back office. He puts on his glasses and prepares for the examination. After taking it out of the wrapper, he breaks it open. Loving the smell of marijuana, Fearless Leader takes a huge whiff. The office door swings open and he runs out screaming “It’s dog shit!”

The Rhino and Tits-a-ahoy are surprised. They then realize what just happened and start laughing hysterically. Their hearty chuckles bring the sales staff to the office. Everyone thought it was hilarious excepted Fearless Leader. “The Rhino set me up to take a big whiff of this shit!” He blamed her.

Now, you may be wondering what the hell the CSB was doing with poodle shit wrapped in cellophane. It actually was for the vet. The CSB does care about some things.

Drug Induced Coma

The CSB is in a self administered drug induced coma in the back room. She is lying on the floor surrounded by her dogs and their shit, because she is too fucked up to take them out to relieve themselves. She has been crying.

It all started when she decided that since Bandit is not housebroken and the apartment is slowly filling with feces and dog urine, she would buy a new house. She found one, made the deal and then decided to show it to Taco Dave, since they are soul mates and will be living there together forever in semi-marital bliss.

On the way over, Taco Dave began to act suspiciously, and to look at her like she knew something. He was fairly agitated by the time they rounded the corner and pulled into the driveway of their future happy little bungalow. That is when he confessed.

Taco Dave is fucking a 19 year old girl who lives with her mother and two kids five doors down from the house the CSB bought. She told him that he has impregnated her.

What are the odds?

So since then, the CSB has pulled out all the stops, taking her weekly supply of vicodin in a day and a half, buying all she can from the employees and their friends and stealing what her father has left over from his dental surgery. She has only come out to pee and cry and fire one of the mechanics and send hateful emails to Taco Dave and have the Rhino sign her up for Match.com.

She is thinking of asking Taco Dave to move out. But the Rhino hasn't told her if she should or not.

On Match.com, the CSB is 36.

Comedy

CSB Puts Her Foot Down

CSB does not seem to be in a good mood this morning. Beans and Buddha stroll in about 3 minutes after 10:00 a.m. They smile and say good morning to their great boss. CSB doesn’t acknowledge them. She just stares into the computer.

Finally her first word of the day, “Ok listen up, I’m writing down all the weekends that I need off for dog shows, so if you see that I’m off don’t even fucking ask for those days off!” She told this to half the staff. “I’m the boss and whatever I say goes.” Paco looked at Beans and said “Do we ever take weekends off? I don’t even know the meaning of that.”

Little later that day Beans came up to Paco and teased him about when he was going to get lunch. CSB butts in and says, “You can’t leave at the same time!!” Beans, highly aggravated, says “I’m not going anywhere, Paco is picking up lunch.” Then she says under her breath, “I’m sick of this shit, CSB always acting like none of her employees have any common sense.”

A favorite saying of the CSB is “That’s why I’m the boss and you’re not!” I’d have to assume she is the boss for the same reason she is white. She was born that way. All of the head managers are related. It’s been that way for 50 years now. I can’t imagine how they keep customers, let alone employees!