The Call

Friar Tuck just happened to pick up the phone. The person on the other end asked to speak to Mr. Mercury. He sounded upset. Friar Tuck told him to hold on, then went to the other salespeople and told them the deadbeat that sent us the letter was on the phone and wanted to speak to the Poodle.

The CSB was off having her 3 hour lunch with the radio rep she buys all the time from, even though the station doesn´t attract our demographic, because he´s young, attractive and brings her dogs treats then plays on myspace with her for a couple hours, and we haven´t seen Star since he and the ambiguously gay cousin of his dumb as a bag of hammers girlfriend started playing the new wrestling game together on his Wii, so Friar Tuck paged the Rhino.

¨Rhino, there´s a manager call on line 4,¨and we all picked up extensions and listened in.

¨This is the Rhino, how can I help you?¨

¨I want to speak to Mr. Mercury.¨

¨May I ask what this is regarding?¨the Rhino literally pulled the phone back from her head and looked at the handset.

¨Tell that son of a bitch that I went up to Skank Motors and they said that if I reestablish my credit, I can buy a motorcycle on my own, without a cosigner, in a couple of years. So that´s what I´m going to do.¨

¨Hold on. Are you interested in parts, service or sales?¨

¨I was going to buy a motorcycle from you guys. But I´m going to take my business to Skank Powersports instead.¨

So the Rhino put him on hold and paged sales. Paco, who was out of the loop, and hungry for business since his wife is about to have another litter, raced to the phone and answered. He listened to the guy for a while, told him that Mr. Mercury doesn´t work here anymore, and then took a credit application.

Surprise, the guy got turned down. Paco had to call him back to relay the bad news. Friar Tuck asked Paco to see if the guy still had the demolition derby car for sale.

The deadbeat started going ballistic, and Paco had no idea why. As he was trying to calm the credit criminal down, the CSB walked by and heard him mention Mr. Mercury again. She pushed the button to put the guy on hold and asked Paco what the call was about, figuring it might be about dog agility.

¨This guy is upset because he got turned down and he wants to know who Mr. Mercury is, so he can kick his ass.¨

The CSB picked up the phone, ¨This is the CSB, how can I help you?¨

She listened for a while, then told the guy that if he came near her dogs she would cut his balls off and stuff them in his mouth.

The Letter

For this entry to make any sense, you have to keep in mind that the AKC name of The Poodle is Harrisburg Loredo Mister Mercury.

This is an actual letter intercepted by the Rhino, copied and then passed around to all the sales people, so they could have a laugh.

Dear Manager,

About 5 years ago, I was in the market for a motorcycle and bought it at Skank Powersports, because they gave me a better price. But because I live close to the Lazy K, I decided to give you guys first shot at selling me one. Even thouth I have a new truck, I drove over in my classic full size Pontiac station wagon. It needs a little paint, but runs like brand new. The salespersons watched me get out and go into the Lazy K, and didn´t say anything or greet me. After a while, the big one followed me around, but didn´t say anything. I told the salesperson I want to buy a motorcycle and he asked me about my credit. I told him it was probably pretty good, because I just got my bankrupcy discharged and have no debts. He told me I would need a co-signer. I told him my credit has to be good enough to buy a motorcycle because I just bought a 1999 Ford Pickup on payments, and it is twice as much as the GSXR600 I want. I expected him to say lets go for it and give it a try, and he just told me I definitely need a co-signer and asked me do I know anyone who knows how to pay their bills on time. I told him I will be back, and left. As I was going out, the other salesperson said my car would be good for a demolision derby. I will not buy a motorcycle from you. I just want you to know how your company treets customers

Rick Sanderson

A little while later, when the CSB was good and toasted in the back room, the Rhino was at home having her beef drapes manhandled by a latex AFFLAK duck handpuppet wielded by Mr. Moose, and Star was at home playing with his Wii with the latently homosexual cousin of his dumb as a brick girlfriend, Friar Tuck got on the company computer and replied.

Dear Prick, I mean Rick,

Thank you for your letter. We at the Lazy K take these letters very seriously, especially when they come from Credit Criminals who don´t qualify to finance extra cheese on a pizza. I should bill you for the oxygen you wasted here at the Lazy K, but you wouldn´t pay that bill either. And you told the salesperson you will be back, and had no intention of doing so? Do you habitually lie when conducting business? Call me when you win the lottery.


Mr. Mercury, the complaint manager

PS. I´ll give you $50 for the Pontiac.

We spent the rest of the day waiting for the Pontiac to come flying through the plate glass into the showroom, driven by an angry hillbilly bent on kicking The Poodle´s ass.

But it never happened.

No Service Writer?

This morning, the police came and picked up Bucky, the new service writer. He had been selling cocaine, and got caught. Beans was surprised to hear he was the service writer, she thought he worked in parts, and didn´t know very much about motorcycles or ATVs. He was heard at one point to ask who makes the Honda Gold Wing. But he too found working with Baby Hitler to be a miserable experience, and wanted to quit. So the Lazy K gave him another 50 cents an hour and a clipboard. Apparently this was his first day as service writer.

Bucky´s mother came by later to make sure that if and when Bucky gets out, he´ll still have a job. The CSB was nice and said she couldn´t believe they would put Bucky in jail. The CSB loves drama, and having your service writer dragged out in handcuffs is a very exciting way to start the day.