Final Check

When we last left the Rhino, she had had enough of the CSB's rantings one day, complained about being sick and left at noon, never to come back. As she was leaving, the CSB shouted for Tits Ahoy to call the police, because the Rhino was driving without a license..

The Rhino called back the following day and told the CSB she had been arrested for driving without a license and spent the night in jail. The CSB told Star to tell the Rhino that the Lazy K needed a copy of the arrest report for her permanent employee record.

The Rhino avoided the Lazy K like the plague and little by little her spirits lifted, and she began to feel happy and alive again, once away from the delusional antics of the CSB and her yapping little mutts.

Then it was time to pick up her check, and the Rhino did the thing she dreaded most, returned to the Lazy K.

The CSB was there, crazy as a rabid cat, and full to the gills of Vicodin and Tit's Ahoy's Percocets. Her eyes were glassy and there was a sheen to her skin. She glowed with sweat and the need for a bath.

The Rhino asked for her check, and that's when the fun started. The CSB said she couldn't have it until she confessed to being the one who started this blog, the one who wrote the blog, and the one who was out to ruin the Lazy K and bring the CSB down.

Fortunately, the Rhino had decided to tape this exchange, and the tape makes for some interesting listening.

The Rhino called the Mother Ship and spoke to the one competent person at the Lazy K, the woman who handles all the money, and asked if there was any reason she couldn't have her paycheck. The Competent woman said no, and instructed the CSB to give the Rhino her check.

Then the CSB told the Rhino that she didn't remember the Poodle's myspace, and the Rhino could have her final check if she told the CSB what the password is to the Poodle's myspace.

The CSB began to cry, because it upset her that she was paying someone $17 an hour to be her friend and this person turned out, like everyone else in her entire life, to have found the point where there isn't enough money at the Lazy K to make it worth your while to be in that toxic dump anymore. The Rhino began to cry too, out of frustration because she wanted her final check and was hoping she wouldn't have to pacify a drugged out psycho in order to get it. She called the Competent woman again, and explained that she doesn't have the Poodle's log in information for myspace.

Tears smearing her eye makeup until she looked like a groupie gang banged by roadies at a Kiss concert, and quite sad to be losing her only paid friend left, the CSB told the Rhino she knew the Rhino and three other people who quit were responsible for the blog, and that if the Rhino confessed and told her the names of everyone responsible, she would get her check.

The Rhino called the Competent woman again. The third time was a charm. The Competent woman got the Old Battleax to call the CSB and tell her to give the fucking Rhino her goddamn check.

As the Rhino was leaving, the CSB shouted across the showroom that she was happy there were no illegal aliens working at the Lazy K anymore.

Riddler's Interview with Crusty

"I built this company on tits and ass. Who woulda known my hot tub is where my wife takes her baths. I told her she needed to lose weight. Now every time I turn around there's a dog show date. I went to one, it was like watching a person in a fat suit trying to run. I saw the dirt flying but she never went anywhere. I turned to my daughters for a prayer. "CSB, you gotta help me!" She said "OK, Can you loan me $80?" I said "NO!" She said "I'll just take it outta the drawer. Who gives a fuck?" My last chance. "FSB, can you please help me?" "I'm sorry. I broke my crystal and now I can't see. Plus, I been down. The sun said I needed to wear a frown. Can you talk to me in July? The stars say I'm supposed to be emotionally up. If not, I just visit the CSB and get high." That's when I realized "What have my stores come to be?" I have a fat wife that is breaking shocks on a motorcycle that she's riding to be free, a daughter who paints her eyes black down to her cheekbones to cover up the pill problem or buying drugs on the computer or giving out her credit card on the phone to anyone claiming to be calling from a pharmacy. I gotta another daughter who met an indian that took her to see a vision. She came back calling herself Two Dogs Fucking but she was on a "spiritual mission." Am I really that bad of a guy? Oh fuck it! Join the family! Get fat and get high!


Half a century and 9 months ago (or 36 years and a day if you believe what she posts on Myspace), Young Crusty grunted twice, the Young Battleax said, "Get the fuck off me you son of a bitch, I've got the gearshift knob crammed up my ass," and the demon spawn that became the CSB was conceived.

Everybody please call and wish the CSB a happy birthday.

Use the toll free number if you have to.