Darkness Descends

If you ever read Red Rider or any of the other manufacturer magazines, you will usually find a letter from some poor soul who was on a trip when his bike broke down. He called the local dealership and they worked past closing time to save his trip.

Here's the LazyK version of that story:

A guy called the LazyK at abut 2 pm., got transferred to the service department and spoke to whatever new technician answered the phone. He was on the road, on a Valkyrie, and needed some work done. He had no tail or brake light. And we are the nearest Honda dealer.

"Come on in and we'll get you right back on the road," the new technician said.

Mondo saw the traveler pull up, and realized right away he was on a road trip. Mondo and Friar Tuck wandered out to see what was going on.

The traveler explained his dilemma.

"And they told you to bring it in?" asked Mondo, amazed.

Now Mondo rides long distances and likes to help fellow travelers, and Friar Tuck hates the LazyK and likes to put it down whenever possible, so both of them told the traveler that he was making a big mistake letting the LazyK work on his bike, and that he would be better off taking it to Competent Honda, fifteen miles up the road. Mondo offered to get the number for the traveler,

"You might want to get it out of here while it still runs," said Friar Tuck.

But the traveler told them no, that the technician said the LazyK could fix his bike.

At about 5 PM, the technicians finally got around to changing the bulb, but this didn't fix the problem. Their next step was taking the fuel tank, side panels, seat and rear fender off the bike, in order to fix the taillight. Then they pulled out the service manual and started messing with the electrical system. Meanwhile, Baby Hitler was yelling at the technician for taking the bike in. Baby Hitler did not want to stay late for some goddamn out of state bike. The traveler overheard this.

For some reason, they were able to get the taillight working, the bike back together and the traveler back on the road by 7:30.

As Mondo left the dealership at 7:51, he passed the traveler, riding slowly back to the LazyK in total darkness save for his left rear blinker.

The following morning, the Traveler was still there, and his Valkyrie was back apart. He hung around for a while, talking to the salespeople, looking at parts, listening to Baby Hitler scream at the new technician about his fucking Valkyrie and then wandered off in search of food.

At 5 Pm, the traveler told the service department to put his bike back together and had it towed to Competent Honda.

Smart Beans

Beans is 29 years old. She has decided that now would be a good time to attend college for the first time in her life.

Her first assignment in Marketing 101 is to locate her employers mission statement and analyze it.

This is her exact answer that she turned in:

Well…. I have been with Lazy K for five years, as a salesperson. They have been in business since 1958 and thus far I can’t find a mission statement. I asked main location’s HR person that has been employed with Lazy K for 35 years and her answer was “What’s a mission statement?” Then I asked my store manager, daughter of the owners/part owner, she said “Oh yeah, we have one it is in the employee handbook.” She had the office manager find me a copy of the handbook. It included ten pages, some were upside down and repeats. However, they were nicely stapled. But, still no mission statement. I went back to my boss and she said “Don’t worry I will make one up for you.” At this point, I thought to myself, this is going to be the most entertaining assignment!

Paco's Amigos

Paco sold Harleys for 5 years, and so knows just about everyone who every wanted one. From time to time they come into the dealership, and Paco jumps right up, scampers over and shakes their hands. Then he tries to sell them something.

He was working with one guy, who is part of the Saturday free donut club over at the Harley store, where buying a bike entitles you to a lifetime of free donuts and a place to bullshit with other 2 percenters (the motorcycle riding equivalent of lowfat milk) once a week. This guy put more than $10,000 of chrome on a V-Rod and was upset because nobody but him thought that would increase the value of the V-Rod by at least $15,000. Everyone he tried to sell it to wanted to pay less than they could buy a brand new one for, because it was a couple years old and had been religiously ridden to every bike night in the area.

The free donut guy was complaining to Paco and the CSB because the last time he bothered us with his presence, Mondo was wearing a teeshirt that had the Harley wings and the inscription, "If they made an airplane, would you fly in it."

"I almost didn't come back, because as far as I'm concerned, if it's two wheels, it's right by me, bro" he said.

Mondo overheard this, and decided to turn his back on the free donut guy, so said idiot could read the shirt that says, "If they hired more engineers and fewer lawyers, they'd build a better motorcycle," also framed in orange Harley wings.

Even this wasn't enough to get the free donut guy to leave. He told Paco that he wanted to see all the starter bikes, because his son wanted to start riding, and putting a shitload of chrome on a Harley makes one an expert in motorcycles. About an hour and a half into the 'sale', the free donut guy informed Paco that his true intention was to come in and see all the different motorcycles, then buy one on ebay.

When the free donut guy finally left, in a wobbly roar of unmuffled pipes and frying valves, duckwalking his bike out the driveway, Paco waited until Mondo was with the CSB, then trotted over and told them that the free donut guy didn't like Mondo's teeshirts, and that it might be better to wear something else. Paco likes to make comments like this in front of the CSB, as a way of saying, "we could be a lot more professional if we didn't do things to intentionally antagonize the customers, like Mondo does."

"I wonder what it will take to keep him from coming back," said the CSB,

"Tell him to bring donuts next time," said Mondo.

Vote Early and Vote Often

Look, I know it's a pain in the ass, but if you could vote for us, we would really appreciate it. It's been slow at the LazyK since we were feng shuied by the FSB, and we really could us the $20.07. That's almost twice as much as we've made from Google Adsense in 3 months. If you click on Vote Early and Vote Often, above, it takes you right to the page.

You have to nominate at least three weblogs, so if you can't think of any others, hit the next blog button at the top and nominate whatever pops up.


Stalking the Rhino

Before she decided to become a big scary lesbo, the Rhino slept with many of the mechanics back in service. Whether or not this is a contributing factor to the high rate of turnover is debatable. A great deal of alcohol was always involved, and I'm sure it comes as a shock to show up at work hungover and find out everyone knows you had sex with a rhinoceros, and that the rhino wants to move in with you.
Motorcycle mechanics are not quite as sought after by women as neurosurgeons or famous athletes, or even toothless truckdrivers with draining facial pustules, which is why fat, homely and/or both, women love to work in motorcycle dealerships. The mechanics will fuck anything, and we are a short walk from a liquor store with cheap beer, so the beasts that work here can have their breasts slobbered on for the price of a twelvepack, or in the case of the Rhino, a case and a half of fortified malt liquor.
One of the Rhino's semi-conscious lovers, a little fellow that weighed all of 130 lbs., decided he liked trying to find the slick spot in the human waterbed, and actually let the Rhino move in with him.
Often symptoms of mental illness are overlooked in the workplace.
As the weeks went by, the Rhino began to tell stories about their home life, sex life, and other things nobody really wanted to hear, that led us to realize that Serge, the mechanic in question, is certifiably insane. He began to call the Rhino names, and threaten to kill her. He enjoyed striking the Rhino's tough, thick hide.
As soon as she found someone else to live with, the Rhino moved out.
This made Serge even crazier. Fearless Leader had to pressure him into quiting, not for threatening to kill the Rhino, but because he spent too much time threatening to kill the Rhino, and not enough destroying customer's motorcycles, and the other mechanics didn't like him anyway. After he left, we found out that he threatened to kill most of us at one time or another.
So now Serge texts threats to the Rhino's cell phone, and calls every now and again threatening to kill the Rhino, Fearless Leader (Even though Fearless Leader doesn't work here anymore,) and the CSB. He calls Fearless Leader at home and threatens to kill him, and when he comes in to buy parts, he threatens to kill the Rhino and Tits Ahoy. For some reason, Serge gets along well with Mr. Moose over the phone.
If he threatens her dogs, the CSB will have him killed, or so she says.