But you bought it anyway...

This is an actual quote from a Customer Survey sent in to the manufacturer by one of our customers after he bought an ATV.

"the Lazy K sucks! there was a big pile of dog poop on the floor and the salespeople are aweful"

Tricks and Snakes

Freight and Prep are two of the more interesting aspects of the powersports industry. Unlike automobiles, there is no national law requiring dealers to post list prices or disclose other fees on the bikes they sell. Some dealers charge freight, delivery, set up, assembly and for the fluids that came in the bike from the factory. At the Lazy K, and most dealerships in the area, we try to charge Freight and Prep, the totally arbitrary and made up figure it allegedly costs to ship the bike from wherever it came from and the $200 it costs us for our $7 an hour technician to put the wheels on, start it, rev the motor to the rev limiter a few times before the oil circulates, and wheelie in the parking lot if it is a neat new model he's never abused before. Sometimes we get freight and prep, sometimes the customer is smart. Mondo's favorite line for people who balk at paying freight and prep is that they can pick it up in a box in Yokohama and save the money.

Our major competitor, Skank Powersports, discounts their bikes to dealer cost, then uses Freight and Prep to get as much as $4000 over manufacturer's suggested retail price. Skank advertises these low prices, but of course doesn't disclose the freight and prep charges in their ads. We are not sure if this is legal, and apparently neither are they.

Friar Tuck and Mondo decided to have a little fun with the snakes at Skank.

First, Mondo called Skank Powersports and got hold of Nubbin, a new salesperson. He asked about the advertised price, then asked if there were any other fees. Nubbin said there were freight and prep fees, but he wasn't sure how much they were. They try not to disclose these fees over the phone, prefering to surprise you when you get home and your wife reads all the papers you signed. trying to figure out why you own $12,500 for the $7999 motorcycle you bought for $6849. Mondo asked why these fees weren't mentioned in the ad, and said he thought they had to disclose them. Nubbin said he didn't know about that.

Friar Tuck called Nubbin about an hour later and claimed to be from the District Attorney's office. He asked Nubbin if he had a vehicle salesperson's license. They never do. Then he told Nubbin he was calling because he'd received a complaint that Skank Powersports was charging additional fees without mentioning them in their ads. Friar Tuck asked Nubbin if he had personally charged these fees to any customers. Nubbin's voice started to break, and he wasn't sure if he had or not. Then Friar Tuck told Nubbin he was sending in a team of undercover operatives on Saturday, the busiest day of the week, to investigate. Then Friar Tuck asked Nubbiin if he would mind wearing a wire. He told Nubbin this might help him with the judge. At the end of the conversation, Friar Tuck thanked Nubbin for his cooperation and asked him to keep the conversation confidential.

The next week, and throughout the selling season, all the ads for Skank Powersports clearly stated that there were no freight or prep charges on their vehicles. They still advertise the same whore out pricing, so we assume they lost a whole bunch of money.

The Deaf Guy

A deaf guy called today. He wanted a sparkplug for his ATV. He was using a service where he types to someone and they tell the person on the other end of the phone what he typed, then the person on the other end talks and the intermediary types what they say.

Beans was bored, it is freezing and nobody is coming into the Lazy K, so what better way to amuse oneself than to drive some poor deaf guy up the wall.

First she treated the guy like she thought he was a telemarketer. Then she asked if he needed part number 124-65344-898-395969 or 124-65344-899-395969 or -7(x) (sparkplugs have part numbers that are about 5 or 6 digits long and none of them are algebraic expressions, but Beans has returned to college and loves to flaunt her newfound knowledge). He gave her a part number and she repeated it back to him wrong five times. Then she said she was going to check stock. Then she came back on and asked if he was still there. Then she put him on hold.

As soon as Paco got a customer, she told him he had a phone call.

The Mummy Returns

Q. What's worse than working at the Lazy K?

A. Baby Hitler's homelife.

Two days after launching over the handlebars of a Hayabusa when the front brakes locked up, Baby Hitler showed up for work, wearing shorts and a Lazy K teeshirt. He is wrapped in bandages from his shoulders down to both wrists and around both legs, and hobbles around like he's got a stick stuck up his ass. He literally looks like a mummy that can't get to the bathroom fast enough.

Like everyone else who works at the Lazy K and manages to hurt himself on one of the products we sell, Baby Hitler thinks the best place to hang out and tell people what happened to him is on the sales floor. He loves to recount the parts of the accident he remembers to potential customers. And we've all heard about how much it hurt when the nurse came in and scrubbed the grass, twigs and gravel out of his skin.

The CSB is extremely curious as to what they gave Baby Hitler for pain, how many refills he got, and whether or not he thinks he'll need them all. She wondered aloud what would happen if Baby Hitler got all his refills then called and told the Doctor he needs something stronger for the pain.

Ellie Mae's Ex

Today Ellie Mae's ex-boyfriend came in and stood at the counter. We were surprised to see him, because last we'd heard he'd been carted off to jail for fighting in the bar across the street with the guy who does the karaoke after Ellie Mae left him to live with the guy who does Karaoke.

The Rhino asked him what he wanted, and he told her it was confidential, and he wanted to speak to her in private.

The Rhino spoke briefly to the Ex, realized what he was there for and turned him over to the CSB. They snuck off to a private corner of the showroom and spoke briefly about numbers of pills and dollar amounts and agreed to meet tomorrow to conclude the transaction. Then he left.

After he was gone, the CSB returned to the computer and told everyone that Ellie Mae's ex had come in to ask her out, and that he is a total loser.

Baby Hitler learns to fly

Customers often try to fix their bikes themselves then bring it to us to unfix and make like it was before they started fucking with it. One of the ways we figure out how they've fucked up their bikes is the test ride by the technician. Given the fact that most technicians are would be racers who can't afford a motorized skateboard, Baby Hitler, as manager of the service department and only person at the Lazy K with a mortgage to pay, test rides all the fun bikes.

A muttonhead brought in his Hayabusa complaining that the front brakes were making noises. Baby Hitler got on the bike and took off down the street. We heard him go through the first two gears, then silence. About fifteen minutes later, an ambulance went by the Lazy K, and then a police officer came in and told us that Baby Hitler had been in an accident on a customer's hayabusa.

The CSB called back to service to send up all the paperwork, to make sure the customer had signed the paper that said the Lazy K is not responsible for damages even if our technicians set the bike on fire while lighting a crack pipe after taking the gas cap off and laying the bike on it's side in the service department.

Satisfied that all paperwork absolving the lazy K of any responsibility whatsoever was in order, the CSB instructed Goofy the new service writer not to tell the customer what had happened, but to refer the call to her. Then she sent someone out to scrape the bike off the pavement and put it in the company pickup.

While picking up the bike, Goofy asked Baby Hitler what had happened. Baby Hitler swore the front brakes just locked up for no reason.

Once we had the bike back in our service department, Goofy called Suzuki to see if this was a common problem with Hayabusas. The first question the factory technician asked is whether the brake and clutch levers had been replaced with carbon fiber. They had. Apparently muttonheads, not knowing any better, and believing that the 2 ounce weight savings they obtain from switching to cheap carbon fiber levers they buy on ebay will make them somehow better able to control the most powerful motorcycle sold in the world, are having this happen to them quite often.

The customer called to see if he could come pick up his bike, and the CSB told him what happened. About the time he expected her to tell him that we would be giving him a new bike or something, she asked him about his insurance coverage and told him his bike was totalled and it was his fault and it could have been a lot worse. You could hear him screaming on the phone from across the showroom floor. Of course he didn't have full coverage, the muttonheads never do. And he expected us to fix his bike, not total it and then send him the bill.

The CSB explained that we weren't going to do anything for him for free, but would fix the bike if he wanted us to, and would give him the bike back if he wanted to take it somewhere else once we completed our investigation of the accident. He hung up.

Every hour or so we got new faxes and phone calls from the muttonhead as he found something new on the internet that seemed to support his position that the Lazy K owed him a new bike, even though he had modified it and caused the accident. He repeatedly said he was going to get a lawyer and take his bike somewhere else. Never once did he inquire as to the health and well being of Baby Hitler. The CSB suggested he get a lawyer, as Baby Hitler may be out of work for a while and the muttonhead would probably have to pay his medical bills.

A Police officer came by and left a ticket for Baby Hitler, charging him with unsafe operation of a motor vehicle, and operating an unsafe motor vehicle.