Side Business

Mondo and Baby Hitler have an interesting little side business going on at the Lazy K. When Mondo sells a motorcycle, Baby Hitler charges parts to it that the customer didn't order, want or receive, then they sell the parts on Ebay. Now, everybody gets a free helmet, whether or not they get one, and a lot of Honda Shadow riders are buying power commanders and clutch sets for Hayabusas. Check out those prices on Ebay.

Writing Daffy Up

This is a repeat of an earlier post.

Today the CSB wrote up Daffy the service writer three times in five minutes. She won't fire him, because she doesn't want to pay unemployment, so he continues to make customer's lives hell. He can't go anywhere else and get a job. When customers ask Daffy about his job he tells them "I don't know anything about motorcycles, but I think they are cool and it is fun to work in a motorcycle shop." For some reason the CSB hoped Daffy would quit if he got written up three times in five minutes, but he proved too smart. So she went back a half hour later, after the drugs kicked in, and told him she hopes he is there forever.

She also wrote up Shaggy, the parts manager, because he went to the hospital with his wife while she had an emergency operation instead of coming to work. The CSB told him she wrote him up so he would stay focused on his job.

Yesterday Daffy mounted a customer's tires backwards twice, and scratched the hell out of the rim. But he doesn't care, and the CSB won't fire him.

You're Approved

Of the many applicants for the job recently vacated by the Buddha and the shifty guy, the only one who wasn't a figment of the CSB's imagination turned out to be Paco. So Paco got to be the Finance Manager.

Paco believes he knows all about being a Finance manager. He can submit applications and look at credit reports. Granted, watching him try to figure out what he's looking at is like watching a monkey trying to decipher a phone book. It's amusing if your livelyhood doesn't depend on the monkey calling someone.

So someone called the Lazy K from three counties away for one of the internet specials, and Mondo filled out a credit application. He took it to Paco, and that's when the fun began.

We aren't allowed to apply directly for credit anymore without a signed application, so all Paco could do was run a credit report and try to divine if what he read would allow the customer to qualify for a loan.

Paco decided it would.

Paco puffed out his little robin chest, "I can get this guy financed," he said confidently within earshot of the CSB.

So Mondo lured the potential victim into the store.

Three hours later, the victim and his entire family was at the Lazy K, and Paco had a signed application in front of him.

A half hour went by before Paco would admit to everyone that he had no chance in hell of getting the guy a loan, and then we had to listen to the guy rant about the three hours he took to get here, and that gas costs a lot.

"I can't help it if he has bad credit," said Paco, when the guy finally left.

"Tell that fucking idiot not to tell people they're approved until he gets a brain," the CSB said to Star.

Donuts

Famous Nobody, the drag racing snitch who nobody has ever heard of, can't drive the company truck anymore until the CSB wakes up. Ole Crusty got a phone call from a concerned citizen who saw Famous Nobody in the company pickup doing donuts in the parking lot of a local Baptist church. It had snowed recently, and the tires on the Company pickup are just about bald, and when Famous Nobody came back from retrieving a customer's VTX 1800 that Famous Nobody somehow managed to render inoperable when it came in for an oil change, he bragged about doing donuts with the bike in the back, so maybe Star will fire him.

That's what Ole Crusty told Star to do.

We are waiting for the CSB to wake up and decide if Star should fire Famous Nobody or not.

Peace, Love and Understanding

Big Jim Slade was on the road, heading as far away from the Lazy K as he could. He'd gotten that new job, and decided to have a little more fun with the inmates at the Lazy K.

Every morning, Big Jim called and asked for the CSB. When he was told the CSB wasn't at the Lazy K yet, Big Jim told the new Fat Bitch who answered the phone that he was returning the CSB's call, and that she had called late the previous night.

The inmates were concerned. Star wondered what would happen to his ability to make payments on the Meal Ticket's many purchases if he returned to being paid what he was worth, instead of being overpaid and still not making what a competent person earns. Paco wondered why he'd been passed over for promotion. He spent the next few days sucking up to the CSB, cleaning the dog shit and piss off the floor and polishing the bikes. Paco considered bringing the CSB some of the Vicodin his wife had left over from the last time she brought a little Paquito into the world.

The big day came when Big Jim called the CSB late enough in the day that she was awake and out of her coma. There was just a hint of drug induced stupor in her voice, as she was trying to straighten out so she could go to dog agility and not lose it and kick Bandit again in front of witnesses.

Big Jim asked the CSB if he got the fax with the job offer. The CSB said she had, but that she has to pass on hiring him.

"We've got 4 candidates for the position now," said the CSB.

Trying not to laugh, Big Jim replied that he was not surprised, considering how well the Lazy K is doing this year.

"We're having our best year ever," replied the CSB, "Making mucho dinero. And there is a lot of interest in working at the Lazy K."

"I'll bet there is. I saw that you're selling a lot of Yamahas."

"Yes, we're all about Peace and Love now, and we're moving to a new store," said the CSB, "No more Drama. I don't like Drama."

"I'll bet you'll do even better in a big new store," said Big Jim, grimacing to keep the laughter building inside from pouring out over the phone.

Free Quads for All the Neighbors

As Famous Nobody and the rest of the misfits who break customer's bikes were putting away the bikes one night, one of them noticed the lock was missing from the rear gate to the Lazy K.

The Service Department made a thorough inventory in the dark and realized a customer's Polaris ATV was missing. Star and the CSB wanted to get out of here on time, so they decided to call the police the next morning and report the quad stolen.

That morning, the CSB was nowhere to be found. Star called the Mothership and asked the Greedy Old Bitch if he should call the police and report the theft. The GOB told Star to wait until the CSB showed up, and don't tell the fucking customer anything about his unit until we figure out what happened. The CSB showed up later that afternoon, took a nap in the back with Mr. Pill and the Poodle, then regained consciousness and told Star to call the fucking police. When the police got here, we took another inventory and realized there were four ATVs missing. It's hard to see in the dark when you want to go home early.

The CSB told the Service Manager that when customers ask if we've repaired their missing ATVs, he needs to ask if they have fucking insurance, because we are not responsible for god damn units left for repair. then she left for dog agility training.

How do we go so long without missing that stuff?

While Rome Burns

Yamaha sent out their quarterly report. There are 39 dealerships in the region. When Fearless Leader was the ringmaster, the Lazy K was always one of the top five dealerships in terms of sales in the region.

Now that Mr. Pill and Star are running the show, we've slipped.

How far?

We are 37th.

There are dealers who went out of business two months ago who are selling more Yamahas than we are.

Meanwhile, the CSB is telling everyone that business is better than ever. We're having our best year ever. The Poodle and Mr. Pill are making sound business decisions, and Fearless Leader is making sure all the new bikes we get are scratched and missing parts.

I can feel the love.

Buddha Sighting


Is this the Buddha? Someone sent us an email saying that since leaving the Lazy K, the Buddha has become a Stunta for Westside Honda.

Ride and Stare

What if you gave a party and nobody came?

If you've followed the story of the sinking state of the Lazy K, you remember last year when we moved the annual ride and compare event from the height of ATV season to a weekend that didn't interfere with dog show weekend. So even though nobody is in the mood to buy an ATV right now, we have the event anyway.

It was surprisingly warm, hot and humid in fact, and the only people who showed up to ride quads were ex-employees who came to give their kids free hotdogs and let them ride the ATVs on the test track. The FSB was there trying to steal customers from the CSB's store, but nobody showed up, so she spent most of the time on the phone to Inky, her son's future step-dad.

Paco was there, loyal as ever, trying to sell the guy who used to put bikes together and now brought his entire family for quads and dogs. One of the ex-inmates got a sport quad to raise up and fall back on top of himself.

A single mother brought her 13 year old son out to play on the quads, and Mondo decided the best way to pick up on her was to let her kid ride anything he wanted, even if it was age rated for 16 and above.

The CSB was on her best behavior because Old Crusty was sneaking around on an old Kawasaki, until Tarot showed up. Then she disappeared for half a day.

In order to sell more ATVs, Paco started letting customers ignore the demo track and blast up and down the field to the side of the Mother Ship. Soon they were racing and playing tag, and pinging the rev limiter on brand new vehicles. One of the ex-inmates rolled a sport quad and the GOB ran to check that he had signed a release of liability, then put a stop to the fun.

We still have good deals on gently used Demo ATVs.

Pool Of Piss

I worked at the Lazy K about 9 years ago part-time in sales. I think I was there for 3 months or so because I made like $200.00 for 3 months of work. Anyway, the main point is that a lot of this crap is true. Not sure about the drugs but we had this one dumb fuck that worked at the Lazy K and ran (says he owned) the little carryout in the same parking lot a few feet away. He worked at the Lazy K and the carryout at the same time.. Seriously, he would just run back and forth. What a joke..

Oh yeah, the dogs pissed and shit everywhere! It can't be the same dogs though. I'm sure she has a new set of ugly fucking poodles now. The CSB had a sister that worked at the desk at the time and she wasn't bad back then. I think that has changed as well. We also had a salesman bring in a VHS tape of some chick banging horses that just about everyone (besides myself) proceeded to watch on the showroom floor.

Good for the Soul

My confession:

Last year I was on Craigslist, and under RNR, someone was ranting about the CSB. Her Myspace link was posted, along with her home phone number, address and the place she works (Not that doing drugs all day is work) I contacted her on Myspace and told her what was going on. (Of course this was long before I got to know her through here) She thanked me profusely, asked if I knew a good lawyer and offered me a job at the Lazy K. I didn't respond, and she spent the next 2 weeks flooding my inbox with job offers and death threats.

The last message she sent was a plea for drugs.

Tools Wielding Tools

I am resisting the urge to destroy The Lazy K.

I called them today about my Honda scooter. The scooter I bought from them over a year ago. The scooter I dropped off in May for routine maintenance. The last time I dropped off my scooter at the Lazy K, it took them over a month to change the oil. This was because they didn't have the oil filters in stock, and had to order them from Japan. Afterwards, they promised me that this would never happen again.

So I dropped the scooter off in May, thinking that it would be done in a couple of days.

Months later, they tell me that they are still waiting on parts.
In July, I asked the guy if I could just pick it up and bring it back once they have the parts, and he responded, "No, these are pretty important parts. You wouldn't want to do that."

Despite the fact that I drove there without any problems, and never have had problems with my scooter.

I called them today. It has been 6 months since I dropped of the scooter. They tell me it's still waiting on parts. I asked what parts.

"Tools. "

Tools?

"Yes, tools,"

Tools for what?

"To take apart the clutch."

Why the hell do you need to take apart the clutch?

"Our technician says you burned up the clutch."

So all this time, I have been waiting for the dealership to get tools, which they should have had, so they can take something apart that worked fine when I dropped the scooter off.

If you live in Chaos, and you ride anything, never fucking buy from the Lazy K. Ever. Especially if you're planning on buying a Honda.

Lemon Lime

After two weeks of satisfied ownership, this guy brought his Kawasaki ZX-6 back with a blown engine. Because it was under warranty, we decided to let Famous Nobody try to learn how to fix motorcycles on Kawasaki's dime. After he got the bike to run again, we presented Kawasaki with a bill for $9800 for repairing a bike which retails for $8999. It takes Famous Nobody much longer to make things that don't run work than to break things that run.

Kawasaki rejected the claim, sending back a letter to the effect that a qualified mechanic could rebuild the motor much faster, and a trained monkey once did the job for $4500.

"That little fucking hobbit better get this fucking claim paid," said the CSB, referring to the manufacturer's rep from Kawasaki, who resembles an elf much more than a hobbit, "Or I'll pull all his goddamn bikes off the fucking showroom floor."

The CSB has told everyone that she hates the little fucking hobbit, and that he has had sex on several occasions with Trixie, the owner of Skank Powersports, our major competitor. The CSB hates the little fellow. Almost as much as she hates Trixie. One of the few happy days in the CSB's life was hearing that Trixie had hurt herself falling off a horse. The CSB called everyone and gloated when that happened.

So Kawasaki and their little fucking hobbit stood their ground, and the CSB told Famous Nobody that because we haven't been paid for the job yet, we can't pay him. Star was hoping Famous Nobody would quit over that, because Star wants Famous Nobody to go away, but he's afraid to fire him. Unfortunately, Famous Nobody is too smart to leave until he has another job, so Famous Nobody will be here forever.

They towed the ZX-6 in this morning. The motor blew up again.

The CSB's Ex Has Questions

One of the CSB's ex-husbands, Dave-A-Roni, has decided to come to her defense. Dave-A-Roni put down the crack pipe long enough to send us another email.

"lester" I push the issue, who are you?? Are you still afraid to give your identity? Even if you expose yourself you are intelligent enough to talk your way into keeping your job.right??? What gives tough guy???
Ciao,
Dave-A-Roni

Apparently David Roney's crack IT Dept is not very good at finding people.

Stirring the Maggots Nest

Big Jim Slade, former linebacker for the Kansas City Chiefs, worked at the Lazy K for a few years. He did well, and was one of their top salespeople. For this, the other inmates did all they could to make his life miserable. He made enough money so he could leave and spend winters in the South Pacific while Paco got his tongue stuck to a pole out in front of the Lazy K during an ice storm.

Finally Big Jim Slade had enough, so he put his resume on the internet and got a job offer from the competent dealership down the road. They treated Big Jim well, he made the owners a lot of money, and then another dealer called Big Jim and offered him a job managing a large dealership across the country. His compensation package was going to be about triple what the CSB makes every year, and about twice what Baby Hitler manages to steal from the Lazy K by charging parts to sold bikes.

The CSB had been calling Big Jim Slade on a regular basis since he left, asking if he wanted to come back and whether his doctor was still giving him painkillers. Star said that if Big Jim Slade ever came back, he'd punch him in the nose. The CSB just happened to call Big Jim the day after he got his really big job offer. He told her about it, so the CSB said she would match it. She sounded pretty out of it and kept asking him to repeat the terms of the offer while she wrote it down. Big Jim Slade said he'd fax over a copy of his offer.

Then Big Jim Slade waited.

A couple days later, Paco called and told Big Jim Slade that the CSB had taken off. Freddie Fife was qualifying at the shooting range and calling the Lazy K frantically looking for her between rounds. The CSB knew Freddie couldn't get away to stalk her and catch her cheating, so she had snuck off with Taco Dave for some sweaty pill fueled pig sex.

Big Jim Slade faxed over his offer letter with a note to the CSB that it was what they had discussed and that if she could match it, he would come in and get rid of all the misfits, as they had agreed.

Star read the letter and told everyone who listened that if Big Jim Slade steps foot in the Lazy K, he's throwing his keys down and storming out. Later that night, Freddie Fife complained that the CSBeaver smelled and oozed like a runny French cheese. But he ate it anyway.

David Roney Sets the Record Straight



His personal IT Dept once again showed Dave-A-Roni how to log onto the internet. He feels compelled to send us the following, striking fear into our hearts that his mighty IT Dept will hunt us down and send us links to Canadian pharmacies.

"Hello again"Lester" . While you and the rest of the people who respond to your blog now know who I am, who my friend are you? Could you possibly have the nuts to reveal your real name? Probably not.
As far as the questions posed from the fellow readers.....

#1.No, I am not Mondo
#2 Fife, whoever he may be need not worry. I have not had contact with (csb) for some time now.Since 01 to be exact.

My reason for writing in the first place is to respond to the slanderous accusations that have been directed towards the (csb) and her family.
While I really do not expect any of you to read this with an open mind, I felt that another voice should be heard.This will be my last correspondence to you "Lester" and all the rest.Judge not.......

P.S. Do not post with my name, My IT Dept will find you."

A New Home for the Terminally Bewildered

Ol' Crusty came in and took Star over to see the building the Lazy K wants to move to. Star was excited because Ol' Crusty let him sit in the front. It used to be a Sears store, and we should be able to put in a service department. Of course we will still have the same high quality personnel, so your bike will just get fucked up in a nicer environment. And the bikes will still spend all winter outside before they are trucked and scratched on their way to the new space.

But the dogs will have more places to shit and piss on the floor, and Taco Dave will be able to discreetly enter from the back. Lately Freddie Fife has been stalking the CSB, trying to catch her with Taco Dave, Tarot, or one of the guys from Craigslist who sends her dick pics. He's counting the sponges, and they are disappearing a little faster than Freddie thinks they should.

While Ol' Crusty had Star at the new store, the CSB asked Mondo and Paco if either of them would like to be the Sales Manager at the new place.

A Note From David Roney, dkr68@yahoo.com

We found this letter thumbtacked to Mom's basement and felt it warranted it's own post. Congratulations, David Roney, you made the (cut). We are sensing the love, and would love to call and write you or show up at your work for a circle jerk. Are you related to Rice-a, of the San Francisco Roneys?

"fucking scumbag!

Have you ever at one point thought that because of (csb) and the rest of the (lazy k) family you have a job to go to every day? Of course you don't because you are a selfish piece of shit and a true coward I might add! You sit there typing on your computer in your mom's basement alone wondering what it would be like to actually have a successful life. While I would admit that even a little pin-dick like you can come up with some pretty amusing sentence structure, you will always just be a lonely little blogging puss who really does not ever have a chance in this lifetime or any other to make something of yourself.As far as the (csb) and her family are concerned,you will never be able to understand all of the sacrifices and all of the pains that this family has went through to make the (lazy K) a profitable and successful place for people like you to work.But, then again, this would be way too much for a selfish sad little prick like you to understand. Good luck in your future accomplishments as a welfare recepient, you will soon be exposed and unemployed. By the way. I challenge you to put this in your blog. Fucking loser.Hey Csb............TMD"

All You Gotta Do Is Wait

We sold a bike to a Whiner from Whinerville. Whinerville is about 20 miles north of the Lazy K, and the Whiner who bought the bike from us had done his research online, called all the local dealers, and came to us because we were the second cheapest and it would cost an additional $16.42 in gas to go to the place where the bike was $10 cheaper. He bought an extended warranty, and did more research online before deciding to take the bike anywhere else but the Lazy K when it needed repair.

The CSB found a new way to make even more money selling extended warranties. She sells them, then keeps the money. So when the Whiner went to get his bike fixed, there was no record at Kawasaki that he had bought the extended warranty.

Competent Motorsports refused to fix the Whiner's bike for free, so he returned to the Lazy K to resolve the issue.

The Whiner drove all the way down to the Lazy K on the day when Star was off and the CSB decided not to show up. He wanted to resolve things, because he wasn't going to drive all the way down again. He kept repeating that. "I'm not going to drive all the way back down here again,"

He wanted action now. The Whiner went up to each of the employees and asked to have the situation resolved. Everyone said the same thing. Nobody here can take care of this.

"I need closure on this, I don't want to drive all the way down again."

Finally, Mondo had enough of the Whiner shadowing him, so he pointed to a chair and said, "You can take a seat if you want, and someone will be with you tomorrow."

The Whiner sat down, then thought about it and left.

PSA

Attention victims and other customers of the Lazy K

You may be part of a "pervasive company-wide pattern of fraud, deceit and deception" perpetrated by the CSB, the GOB, the Homeless Guy, his fat sneaky wife and all the wonderful characters you've grown to know and loath via this blog.

If you have bought anything from the Lazy K in the past 5 years, you are probably a victim of fraud. Right now there is a lawsuit against them, they are in court, and you may be entitled to a refund of all the bogus charges or the inflated prices they were sneaking on bills of sale this season after the customer signed and agreed to a different figure, instead of breaking out freight and prep like they did the years previous.

Check your bill of sale. If your bill of sale says you paid more than the MSRP or the discounted price you agreed to pay, you were defrauded. Some victims were taken for more than $1500 this way by Old Crusty and his co-conspirators.

No matter what Star told you when you bought the bike, the Lazy K did not have to add those charges into the price to get Suzuki to finance you.

Contact the District Attorney today to get your money back.

If you are not yourself a victim of the Lazy K, but know someone who is, please advise them to contact the District Attorney.

Get that money and take your bike to the new dealer in town to fix your bike right.

Will fraud convictions be grounds for the manufacturers to cancel their franchise agreements?

"Now stealing at all five Lazy K locations!"

You Meet the Dumbest People Fixing Hondas

A guy brought his Honda Shadow into the Lazy K because the differential was whining. Famous Nobody the Drag Racing Snitch Nobody Has Ever Heard Of gave it a road test and told the owner that they all whine like that.

The differential exploded three days later, sending shards of metal through the case and 90 weight oil all over the rear wheel and tire.

Famous Nobody thought he repaired it and sent the customer on his way.

Two weeks later, the differential blew up again.

Famous Nobody laughed when they brought the Honda back into be fixed again. The Owner complained to Honda. They sent the Regional Service Manager over to figure out why Famous Nobody can't fix things so they stay fixed.

After spending the afternoon with Famous Nobody trying to figure out how he could repeatedly fuck things up so bad, the Regional Service Manager came to the conclusion that Famous Nobody would win The Biggest Loser if the show was about Losers. He wrote in his report that Famous Nobody is not qualified to put bicycles together for Wal-Mart, watching Famous Nobody work is like watching a monkey try to open a suitcase and the repair facilities at the Lazy K are worse than those found in a grass hut on the side of the road in a Third World country.

I'll bet Famous Nobody hit his girlfriend again over this. The rest of his life is a total failure, but at least he can still beat her up.

Hysterical Perspective

Because she feels at times that we portray her unfairly in the blog, the CSB has decided to update the Rhino and our readers as to how things are going in her happy little world. I think most people will agree after reading her latest missive that the CSB is a real catch, and that Freddie Fife, Taco Dave, the guy in Parts with the pills and Tarot the denim clad creep are very lucky indeed.

"Rhino We made much,much, MUCHO more money this season. Hummmm I think we cut the fat worked harded. and got rid of some over paid fat lazy people. Change is good! Our new staff is awesome. All reps have mentioned to me what a much more organzied pleasant place this is. So I say out with the OLD and in with the NEW..YEE-HAW I'm pretty smart for a backward hilly billy. Not bad looking, a bod that rocks and a full bank account. not to mention the 2ct rock on my finger. I'd say life is great. happy happy loving life! Thanks for getting us out of your drama world countless DUIs, b/f running over you with the van, stick in the leg, month stay aat a mental hospital. Good God girl you have issues. Try the 12 step program. I would think sit on your giant butt all day isn't helping. What are you up to now 500-550lbs? have a nice life cow eyes......love ya man but GET HELP SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

Rooting around between her legs, the CSB could take out Weavepole Dave's sister's pancreas with that nose of hers. It's growing like Jack's beanstalk. Everybody has quit, there is no new staff, the place is an absolute shithole, and we are sitting on rusty new bikes made in 2004 and stored outside ever since. She lies like a cheap carpet.

The CSB imagines herself to be a larger than life historical figure. Catherine the Great with a poodle instead of a horse, or Mae West if Mae ran her father's motorcycle shop and bought all her food at Odd Lots. That's how you know you are a success, when you buy your food at Big Lots and can't spring for the name brands at the Dollar General.

Speaking of nasty cracks, the FSB is still smoking tarpole while the Homeless Guy tries to find new ways to fuck over the employees.

Juan Capistrano, the new F & I guy, didn't just quit, he fled the scene and took his name off every contract he could on his way out so he won't be one of the defendants when the shit hits the fan. We can't sell bikes because there is nobody to do paperwork at the Lazy K. So the big surly fat girl from the East side came in to to clean things up and help us deliver some fucking bikes. She spent the entire day bitching about what we've done, and trying to uncover Juan Capistrano's tracks. In short, she did nothing while Baby Hitler tried to figure out why the parts department is so fucked up since he left.

Before he fled the jurisdiction, Juan Capistrano delivered 23 bikes that never got financed. That means 23 people are riding bikes for free. We sold some of their trades already. Star says it's bad, and that he won't let the Buddha come back to make things right because the Buddha just sat there and watched it happen after the CSB replaced him one afternoon with someone who couldn't do the job. So why doesn't Star sort out the paperwork and get these bikes financed? He's the manager, managers know how to do this.

Hey Freddie, where was the CSB today? With a customer? Yea, right... Was that clam a little salty? I know. More to follow.

As I Lay Lying

Dear Readers,

We are pleased to announce the arrival of a new writer, who wishes to remain anonymous. Last night, after the bars closed, we received the following story, sent in excerpts from about 2:15 to 4:00 AM. Makes for an interesting, if not quite compelling read, and I especially appreciate the Faulkneresque employment of stream of consciousness.

Hopefully we will receive more great stories from this person, and she will send us her email address so we can add her to our stable of writers.

Any guesses as to authorship? My bets are on Tits Ahoy, the Meal Ticket and everyone's favorite user of misspelled words, the Lovable Old CSB.

"I have to say I am getting sick of all the b/s about the CSB.SO WHAT SHE DOES PILLS!Same shit! It's getting old!Let's post something new!!!! How about.....

The CSB... She struggles with a company of total season! Yeah well who wouldn't? If you sold mosquito nets, do you really think you would make a profit in the winter? I really use to be with this BLOG, an think is was great,But now I want to make the people out there that just read the words an wait for more, maybe appreciate THE AUTHOR.

Well let me see if I can remember the story. The Buddha aka budha or budisim or whatever the fuck it is you use.He sat behind the finance desk, always having a smile on his face,never to hurt anyone.Of course what man/woman would want to hurt a soul when thier life is being ripped out of their daughter or son? Could you imagine working, knowing that one day you might get the call that the one you love is gone? NO! I honestly don't think anyone on this BLOG could understand the pain this man went through If you ask me?(which NO ONE has,thank god)I would say this man has as many values as a goverment official.He may have not laid his life on the line, took gunfire upon himself or been behind enemy lines,But this man took his only chance on a company willing to save a life.A life that he didn't ask to be given,but chose to take.You may hate the company and what its about,an who its involved with,but at who's exspense are you costing.

Let Me See If I Can Remember!!
STAR! Everyone wants to hear a story about STAR, well here it is,
When I first met star I honestly thought he was gay!BUT!!! I realized his "mojo".This guy has it,he has figured it out,an I LOVE IT!All straight women flock to a gay man asking stupid questions, that no straight man would answer. Am I fat? Do you think I'm sexy?Do you want me?WHY ARE ALL THE GOODMEN GAY???? BOOM!!! Well hello i'm not gay!Your not? NO! But you told me I was fat? Well bitch you are! But a few more, an AWWW you'll still be FAT!! But what the fuck.If your still here at the end of the night I'll call u a cab/an pay! Depending on how drunk I am.Maybe i'll take you home with me.If your cute when i'm sober!Is she cute? Ohhh fuck IT pussy is PUSSY!!!"

Stripper

The new Concours is mulletbait. We stuck it in front of Paco's desk, now that he's back and needs to talk to all the weirdos. The best opening line when you find someone on his knees peering under the bike is, "What model BMW do you ride?"

A woman came back with her Harley gear clad husband to look at the Suzuki S40 she's thinking of trading up to. He has a VTX1800 that he bought for $7,998 when Honda was having a fire sale on those ponderous pieces of crap, and loaded with $8,000 worth of bright and shiny trinkets so it looks like a two wheeled disco ball. He likes to tell everyone in the bike store that people have asked him what model Harley he rides. Maybe if all his clothes and the do-rag he wears didn't say Harley Davidson, he wouldn't confuse people and then make them think he's an idiot when he confesses to riding a Honda.

The Honda Davidson rider asked Mondo if we would lay the bike on it's side so his wife could try to pick it up. Mondo asked if he could lay the VTX1800 over and try to pick it up first. The guy looked at Mondo like he was insane, then asked to speak to the manager.

The CSB was running her dogs and her mother's dogs through the weavepoles, so Mondo pointed at her and told the guy to go talk to her.

The CSB said it would be fine, so the Honda Davidson rider laid the bike over and we watched as oil and gasoline ran out of the bike. She couldn't pick it up. After they left, the CSB started screaming for someone to clean up the fucking mess before her dogs got poisoned.

Across town, we've got another interesting service issue. One of the $7 an hour technicians stripped a bolt out of the frame of a customer's Suzuki C50. For some reason, the only way to fix this is to replace the frame, and the Homeless Guy wants the technician who stripped the bolt to pay for a new frame. The customer's bike remains in service until the $7 an hour technician earns enough to buy a new frame. So the customer is without a bike and the Homeless Guy is withholding the technician's paychecks. Is this legal?

Can we all just get along

Welcome, my curious sisters and brothers first, put a twenty in the jar with the others(that's right take a seat)ain't no smokin in here, I need to keep my ball clear there spirits in there (what's your future, someone gonna shoot ya)will you get your girlfriend back, as if I know that I can only tell you where your soul is headedand will remain eternally embedded, the rest forget it life is nothin but a test to clear did you have a heart while you where here and was it sincere?Your still unravelling your future right now what kinda person are ya bro, oh, well there you go you control your own muthafuckin' destiny I aint lettin' the devil get the best of me(I'm gonna make it into Shangri-La) golden walls what's up with you check your own crystal balls Lookin my crystal ball its allright Layback, evolve, and I'll be alright lookin in my crystal ball I'm seein' thugs both catchin' and firein' slugs(paper for drugs) I see a man waiting on block cheese in my lawn tryin to be strong(its the same old song)but when I look into everybody's faces(smile) there soul is headed other places and they ain't worried about payin them dues down here(because they mothafuckin future is crystal clear)the focus switches to you and it ain't good all mad cause someone rolls up into the neighborhood check yourself if judgement was passed, yo, you be in hell(right up the ass-hole) the haten will get ya if ya let it pack your speedo's I hear its hot where you headed I'm trying to tell ya now (when the grim reaper calls)you don't wanna be asked out grippin' your crystal balls! Look into my crystal ball its all black and everybody's frozen in time front to back their controlled by the matrix of mind, body and soul and I'm branded by the system of carnival freekshow I see the fame analyse cause nothin is the skies its the same as seein the death in the demons eyes I'm high in my sites, from the truth of my crystal ball believe me when I say we comin for all of ya'll look deep into my crystal ball see the dead smokin on trees and drinking alcohol underneath the street beneath the concrete if you listen to the night you can hear my heart beat encased in glass for the whole world to see am I inside, or is the crystal ball inside of me.

Mr. Pill Comes A Calling

Did anyone else get a call from the CSB last night? She was fine until about 4:00, then she started drooling and reading the blog at work.

So the CSB can't spell worth a damn, but she has learned how to turn off the caps key.

Then she called the Rhino and told her the health insurance is better, and that business is better than ever, and asked her to come back to work. Life for the CSB has been pretty lonely since the Rhino left. There is nobody to share dick pics from craigslist with or cover for the CSB when she takes her 3 hour lunches at the White Swallow buffet. The Meal Ticket is nice, if a little dumb, and absent of personality, and the new fat girl just sits and does nothing. It sucks to be without a paid friend.

Then the CSB called Beans. Beans thought it was one of those calls recovering addicts make to apologize for everything they've done, because of how nice the CSB was to the Rhino.

But the CSB tore into Beans, and told her what an awful person she is for starting the blog.

Then the CSB called a person of interest that she feels bears responsibility for the blog and asked him to "call a truce and give the blog a rest."

The CSB alleges she hasn't read the blog for four months and is having the best year she's ever had. Business is so good that the Lazy K is moving into another hole in the wall. But the CSB is mad because her photo, address, phone number and social security number are on the blog. She is sure she saw it there somewhere. She was completely fucked up and on her way to Freddie Fife's house.

About two hours later, more comments appeared on the blog. They were well spelled, but exhibiting the usual absense from reality.

Does Freddie help the CSB make comments after he fucks her, to shut her up, or before, so she'll shut the fuck up and spread her chubby little thighs?

And why is a veteran law enforcement official associating with a drug addict anyway? Maybe a story about a true incident where Stuper Trooper Fife tried to get a woman to leave her date and go out with him might be in order. He's all class, that Fife.

Floaters

A guy decided to sell the Waverunner he bought at the Lazy K. He wanted to buy a boat. He told the buyer that the speedometer was broken, so he'll take it to the Lazy K and get it fixed under warranty. He took a deposit on the waverunner and took it in to be fixed. The Homeless Guy told the seller it would take about a week.

Three weeks went by, without a word from the Lazy K. The seller called and was told his Waverunner was taken to the mother ship, because that's where Fearless Leader has assembled the topnotch crew of Waverunner repairmen.

The buyer wanted to back out and get his deposit back. The seller said he'd go get the waverunner and drive it up to Detroit, quite a distance from the Lazy K, in order to make the buyer happy.

The Seller drove to the Mother Ship and got his waverunner, then drove to Detroit. The Buyer was happy until they tried to transfer the waverunner to the buyer's trailer. The whole bottom of the Waverunner was busted out. The nozzle was hanging off the bottom of the boat. It looked like the Waverunner had been dropped from about 10 feet in the air.

The seller called the Homeless Guy to bitch about the Lazy K destroying his Waverunner and was told that he should have inspected the bottom of the boat before he left, and that it could have been dropped anytime. So of course the Lazy K is not responsible.

The Homeless guy did the buyer a favor though by selling him the last old Yamaha boat we had marked down to $14,999 for $22,000.

I wonder if the speedometer works.

Weavepoles

The CSB has been rather distraught lately. Freddie is showing all the too familiar signs of wanting to escape as he has come to realize he is just another nice guy who met a crazy on myspace.

To the CSB, their relationship has an all too familiar refrain, as he tries to pull away without provoking her into a pschotic episode then realizes at the end that that doesn't matter, what matters is putting some distance between himself and this fucking nutcase. This is twisting the CSB even tighter, because she doesn't understand how someone can go from "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you," on myspace before you've even met each other to "I don't need the drama," and telling his friends at work the CSB would benefit from longterm psychiatric care.

In deference to the CSB, Freddie has stuck around long after realizing she is still involved with Mr. Pill, and several "ex" boyfriends, fuckbuddies, guys she meets at motorcycle events and fucks, guys at the Lazy K she blows for drugs, the only straight guy in dog agility, and guys with dick pics on craigslist. So the CSB may be justified in feeling like Freddie led her on.

The CSB is so distraught over the thought of being alone once again that she didn't even fire the parts guy who refused to mow her lawn, saying it wasn't part of his job description. She did make him repair the weavepoles Weavepole Dave made, and thought, "maybe I'll call Weavepole Dave. I wonder what he's up to."

Weavepole Dave is still up to thinking the CSB is someone to be avoided.

Needless to say, Mr. Pill has been helping the CSB get through this crisis.

Last night, one of the technicians saw the CSB wandering down the freeway at about 45 miles an hour, cross two lanes and ride the shoulder down the exit ramp, run a red light and come to a stop in the middle of the road then back up onto the freeway again because she got lost on the way home and taken the wrong exit.

Ealy on, when things were wonderful and she was the hottest woman he'd ever met in his life, Freddie and the CSB talked at length about getting a Russian Terrier together.

Can you imagine how fucked up that mutt would be?

The Serious Rider

Mondo took the call. It was from a guy who wanted to know if we allow test rides.

"What do you want to ride?"

The guy was a Serious Rider. He had a list. The Serious Rider told Mondo he was preparing for the Ironbutt Rally, 11,000 miles of two wheeled intensity in 11 days, and wanted to evaluate the Honda ST1300, the Yamaha FJR1300 and the new Kawasaki Concours. He asked if we had the bikes in stock, and said he wanted to take them each out for about 100 miles, to put them through their paces. Mondo asked him to read off his list again, then said he'd go check. Mondo put the Serious Rider on hold and went back to feeding Bandit cookies covered in margarine.

After twenty minutes, the Serious Rider called back. Some idiot had left him on hold while they were checking inventory, and he wanted to complain to a supervisor. Mondo put him on hold and then got back on, pretending to be a slow talking West Virginia hillbilly with the IQ of a stick/manager. The Serious Rider went through his speech again about the Iron Butt Rally, and how important he is in the world of long distance riding, and asked again if we have the bikes in stock, because he lives far away and no dealer around him has them, especially the new Concours, and will let him ride, and somehow or another Honda has the Lazy K listed as a testride center on their website.

"I'm looking at 'em all right now," said Billy Ray, the friendly but simple minded manager, "Come on in and I'll make sure you get to ride them as long as it takes for you to make up your mind. When are you going to be buying a bike?"

"Right now I just want to ride everything, and if I think one is better than the BMW, I'll buy it from whomever gives me the best price. I will give you a chance to earn my business, but there's a local dealer I do business with, and you'd have to beat his price by a substantial sum to justify making a second trip out."

"Sounds pretty good. Why don't y'all ride them at that there place then?" asked Billy Ray, Mondo's hillbilly alter-ego.

"My local dealer doesn't have floor these models. In fact, you're the only dealership I've found that has the new Concours in stock."

That should have been a clue.

"Yep, we just got six of them. Both colors. Come on in and do y'all some ridin'."

The Serious Rider was coming from four states over, and couldn't make it in until Wednesday. Wednesday is Paco's day off.

"Y'all make sure you ask for Paco," said Billy Ray, "We'll get y'all hooked up with some test rides."

"That's not the guy who hung up on me, is he? I don't want to deal with that guy again. He's a jerk."

Wednesday morning rolls around and there's the Serious Rider waiting in the parking lot for the Lazy K to open. He has been there since 8 AM, because that's when he's sure the manager told him the Lazy K opens. So he's had two hours to peek through the windows and not see any of the bikes he's ridden his gadget laden BMW across four states to spend the entire day evaluating.

We don't stock them because they don't sell and when they do, it's to know it alls who will fly across country to save $100, because of the principal of the thing.

The Serious Rider walked through the Lazy K, purposeful, looking for the bikes he's come to ride. When he didn't see them, he approached Mondo, who was busy feeding Bandit bones and skin from a chicken he'd bought on Monday.

"Is Paco here?"

"Day off."

"I made an appointment to evaluate some models, and I don't see them here. Is there somewhere else they might be?"

"We don't do test rides."

The Serious Rider explained what an important person he is, how far he'd come, and became quite antagonistic. He told Mondo that he is the moderator of a group of very important BMW riders and that he's pretty sure the Lazy K doesn't want to get a bad reputation on the internet, especially amongst a group of riders who don't ride what we sell and are a pain in the ass to deal with when they order the wrong parts for something old they bought off a neighbor.

"You can talk to the manager. He's over there."

Mondo pointed at Star then went back to reading a Weekly World News story about Bat Boy.

The Serious Rider told Star he was pretty upset with the level of service he'd received at the Lazy K. He wanted us to pay for his gasoline and trip expenses because he'd ridden a long way after the manager told him we have the bikes in stock and he could take them out and ride the piss out of them.

"I'm the manager, and I don't know what you are talking about. We don't allow test rides, especially to people who tell us they have no intention of buying a bike from us. That would be stupid on our part, wouldn't it?"

The Serious Rider explained how serious a rider he is, and that he was going to send emails to Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki and the Better Business Bureau. He was going to post bad things about the Lazy K on the Internet. He demanded to talk to the other manager, the one with the Hillbilly accent named Paco.

Star said there was no other manager, so the Serious Rider wanted to talk to the owner.

The CSB evaluated the Serious Rider as a possible sperm donor while he rambled on about the low quality of customer service he'd received up to that point, but decided his dick was probably too small to be of much use to her. And he whines. The CSB told the Serious Rider that the test ride manager is the Poodle.

"The Poodle says that if you sign a release and wear a helmet, you can ride an ATV in the parking lot."

On his way out, the Serious Rider threatened to sue the Lazy K for the cost of his trip.

"It's good practice for the Iron Butt Rally," said Mondo.

Star said that if he figures out who told the Serious Rider he could test ride a lot of bikes, he will fire that person. He made us all sign a memo that we know the Lazy K does not allow test rides, even though the CSB let a fat guy in shorts and sandals ride a VTX1800 in the rain yesterday.

The BBB, Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki forwarded us emails from the Serious Rider stating that because of how we'd treated him at the Lazy K, the Serious Rider had bought a 2007 BMW R1200 RT-P, with a link to a website showing that he'd managed to attach every bright and shiny doodad and geegaw in all the BMW accessory catalogs combined to the damn bike. He further stated that he would never do business with the Lazy K again and was going to post negative things about the Lazy K on every website he could. And he asked Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki to reimburse him for his gas and travel expenses.

We were quite amused to learn that the final drive of the Serious Rider's perfect BMW exploded in Canada, leaving him looking at all his bright and shiny accessories twinkling cheerily in the twilight, telling him where he was and that he'd stopped moving.

We hope Bat Boy gets him.

Don't Piss Off the Trolls

At the mother ship, where the bikes are shipped and assembled before making their ways to the respective Lazy Ks, Fearless Leader runs a tight ship. He finds trolls, little tatooed people with an assortment of facial and other piercings, unfit to be seen by the public, who can't get a job anywhere else and think working with motorcycles is cool, and pays them $7 an hour to hide in the back and unpack the motorcycles, put the wheels on, and ship them to the various Lazy Ks.

Fearless Leader is an asshole and nobody likes working for him. He is such a dick that the CSB got rid of him, the Lazy K went completely to shit, and they still won't ask him to step in and save the place again by restoring verbal beatdowns and giving the CSB another 28 day vacation.

One little troll finally had enough of Fearless Leader, so he jumped over the fence and drove the forklift into 67 crated motorcycles after work Saturday. Then he knocked over two rows of assembled bikes that were left to age in the sun and rain since last fall. The Crusty Clan spent Monday trying to figure out which little troll hates the Lazy K the most and who left the key in the forklift, so the GOB, (Greedy Old Bitch) can fire him from his $7 an hour job and make sure he never works in this industry again, and have narrowed it down to everyone who works with Fearless Leader. There are a lot of suspects, and Fearless Leader is interrogating all of them.

Old Crusty is shocked and hurt that anyone would want to harm his beloved Lazy K.

All the little trolls and most of the employees at the Mother Ship think it's pretty funny. And it's going to be a while before we get bikes again at any of the stores.

Doggie Beatdown

The CSB has been stumbling around a lot lately, on the rare day she shows up for work. When she gets to work, she has a lot of trouble coming through the double doors with both dogs barking and yapping on leashes and her 5 gallon low carb lunch bucket tucked under one arm.

This morning she tripped over Bandit, and fell on her ass.

The CSB got up, set her lunch on Paco's desk, turned the Poodle loose and dragged Bandit, dangling on her back legs, by the leash into the passout room.

There was a thud as something heavy hit a wall, then Bandit started to yelp. There was another couple of thuds, and more yelping.

Oblivious to the imaginary pain in her knee, whichever one it was, the CSB was kicking Bandit and screaming at the fucking dog to stay the fuck out of her way. She didn't want to hit Bandit with her fists, because if she does, Bandit will shy away when the CSB uses hand signals to get her to do dog agility.

Meanwhile, Friar Tuck had a loser come in and try to buy a Suzuki Bergman 400. The scooter retails for $5799, but the guy's credit was so bad he couldn't finance extra cheese on a pizza. So the loser dragged his 84 year old grandmother in, and she got approved for $12,000. After adding lots of freight, prep, and a $250 documentation fee, the scooter came to $11,997 out the door. But Gramma did get a free helmet.

Then we fed Bandit a couple soft tacos from Taco Bell somebody bought last Saturday, and she took a nice big crap back by the waverunners.

Money Saving Ideas

At a time when everything seems to be going up, it's nice to see that something is going down. No, I'm not talking about the CSB after a long lunch with the cute new radio rep. I'm talking about the new pay program.

In the last year, the GOB, or Greedy Old Bitch, formerly the Old Battleax, has implemented several key changes to turn this company around. All of them involve taking back, mostly from the employees or the customers

Let's take a nostalgic look back, shall we?

The first thing to go was a decent healthcare plan. In the last year, it has been changed three times. Each time, it has covered less and cost more, until it cost the Buddha $800 a month for health insurance.

The second thing to go was a third week of paid vacation for the six inmates who have stuck it out for more than 5 years at the Lazy K. This must have saved the Lazy K a small fortune.

The CSB and the GOB got together and decided to raise the doc fee, what we charge for a $8 an hour employee to prepare the customer's paperwork, to $250, even though every other shop around charges about $100. So we lost a few dozen sales a month. But the Lazy K was able to save $27 in commissions on the sales we did make.

There is a charge, called a Pack, that the Lazy K pads the invoice figures with, so commissions are paid on all profit left after the pack. The GOB decided to increase the pack to $395, hoping nobody would notice. This saved up to $30 in commissions per unit, and even more when a lot of the better salespeople quit.

You would think that with all this clever cost cutting, and the $5 minimum commission we've paid since the CSB was getting radio rep's pubes stuck in her braces, the Lazy K would be swimming in money. All the other dealers in the area are doing very well.

But we're not.

So the GOB has decided to cut what's left of the commissions in half. Effective with all new hires, the Lazy K pays 8% instead of 15% and Star is going to close all the sales. He got a big book that tells him how. Star was going to let Mondo read the book, but it costs $20, and that seems like a lot for a book to Star, so he's going to make a photocopy.

Part of the plan was for Paco to close sales too, but he quit.

All the current salespeople will stay on the old pay program, and the new ones will be fucked over by the new one. Should make for an interesting workplace.

Adios

Paco has left the building.

Today is his last day at the Lazy K.

He's off to sell Big Dog Choppers, and even though the chopper market is down considerably and more guys have been through that store than between the CSB's legs, which is saying something, Paco believes he will lead a more peaceful existence, and work with competent people again. After a few months at the Lazy K, you forget what that feels like.

Goodbye Paco, we wish you luck.

You Have Our Gratitude

Honda dropped in for a visit. Star says they want to pull our franchise because we don't sell many Hondas, and we break the ones we do sell when they come in for service, as well as the ones that we didn't sell that come in for service.

Fortunately, this wasn't a surprise visit, so we had a week to change out all the burned out light bulbs, about a third of them, and turn the passout room in back into an office where Star and the Meal Ticket can go have fights when he doesn't do what she tells him. Since the CSB has been staying away from the Lazy K, the Meal Ticket has stepped in and become the quasi-underpaid office manager. She likes the job because it allows her to make sure Star is not fucking the CSB anymore, and she can bring her coloring books and crayons to work and sit at the front counter coloring when things are slow. Star claims they are moving to that great hillbilly Mecca, Florida, when the Meal Ticket gets off her ass and finds a job as a nurse, now that she's out of school. But the Meal Ticket is very content to sit at the counter and color and answer the phones and keep an eye on Star.

Then we took out all rusty new Hondas that had sat in a field at the Mother Ship all winter long and replaced them with a shiney new row of Hondas, pushing the other brands, the ones that sell, into the back rows.

They sent the weird guy around twice a day to pick up all the dogshit.

The Honda guys were quite amused. At another dealership they later visited, the local representative told one of the salesmen, a former inmate at the Lazy K, that the top level executives spent more time trying to figure out who was what character in the blog and whether or not the CSB was high than how to wrestle away the franchise.

Highly placed sources say this is a foregone conclusion and that it's going to a new Powerstore.

The Lazy K has become a must see destination for busy motorcycle company executives.

This Loser

Here's an interesting link someone sent us. Looks like it's been up for a while.

http://www.thisloser.com/find/?id=230

On the site, it asks what you think. Vote early and often.

Creepy Old Pervs on KLRs

What is it about the KLR650 that makes it the bike of choice for creepy old perverts? Today we had a weirdo in the Lazy K who kept looking at the new Kawasaki Concours, asking the usual mindnumbingly stupid questions people who look at Concourses ask. He didn't want it, he just wanted to know all about it so he could tell all the other boring old coots on the internet.

Mondo asked him what he rides now. The Old Creep rides a KLR 650 with 57,000 miles. He remembers putting each of them on the bike. He decided to bore Mondo to tears while trying to convince himself aloud that it is not a cheap pile of potmetal assembled in Thailand by child slave labor. Mondo's eyes glazed over and he wandered off to find a real buyer, hoping Old Creepy would find someone else to share his epic life story with.

The Old Creep walked up to Paco while Paco was trying to pitch a bike, asked the price of various bikes and what Paco thought about them, and wrote the names of the bikes and prices in little tiny letters and numbers on the back of a business card he'd helped himself to off someone's desk. He had also taken a Gold Wing and Hayabusa brochure, because he found them on someone's desk or in the trash so they were free and it's a tough choice between those two bikes and the other half million he knows all about. Then he pulled out the free map the state gives away at rest stops and asked Paco to show him the whereabouts of our two closest competitors. Paco told the old creep that he lives somewhere else, and to ask Mondo.

Mondo gave him directions to the nearest ghetto.

Then the Creepy Old Weirdo became a Creepy Old Perv and told Mondo about his trips to the former Warsaw Pact countries to pay for sex with young girls and find a cute young wife who would find a Creepy Old Perv with bad breath irresistable. He wasn't having much luck to date.

The CSB stumbled by with her gut hanging out of her shirt, saying "someone's getting fired today," and the creepy old perv started dry humping the air. He leaned against a wall and told Mondo he was losing his breath. Mondo figured he was having a stroke or otherwise dying, and tried to persuade him to leave the store before he did so we wouldn't have to move the body or close down while the paramedics work on him and wheel him out.

Then the old perv found Paco again and moved in close enough that Paco could count the hairs on his ears and smell the fetid sourness of old man who celebrates August by drinking curdled milk. The Old Pervert repeated himself, that he was losing his breath, said it again, then again, and told Paco it must be hard working in a place with hot women walking around all the time. Paco looked up and all he could see was the CSB and the Sea Cow behind the counter.

Then the old perv started following the CSB through the store. She turned and smiled at him, and asked if he was being waited on okay. The Creepy Old Perv said he was and decided to make small talk by asking about the yapping dogs that shit all over the floor. Before he could tell her how wonderful his KLR is, the CSB started rambling on about dog agility and how some fucking asshole called the Health Department on her god damn dogs.

The creepy old perv's eyes glazed over and he rode off to share this slice of his life with everyone on the internet.

Screw Mom and Dad, I got $50

Monikwa has a new bike.

She is a big nasty bulldyke who once came thundering into the Lazy K to beat the hell out of Tits Ahoy for calling her "Sir," when she called to complain to the CSB about the Service department tearing the seat of her Vulcan and scratching the tank when she left it here for an oil change.

The Rhino dated Monikwa for a while, and that scared the Rhino.

Then Monikwa decided she wanted to go out to with the CSB. I'm not sure if it was the prison tats, the jericurl mullet, or the big black strap-on dildo Monikwa brought with her in the box she returned the wrong sissy bar we ordered for her and showed and told the CSB she wanted to fuck her with in bareback biker chaps, but the CSB took to hiding from Monikwa when she came in to complain every couple of days for three months last summer that her bike was still in our service department. The CSB even went back to service more than once and screamed at Famous Nobody to fix her fucking bike and get it the hell out of here.

It was a surprise to learn that Monikwa had traded her Vulcan in for a Road Star at the other Lazy K, because she thinks the FSB is strange.

The FSB decided that to get the $50 spiff Yamaha offers, she would give Monikwa $800 more than a rich lunatic would pay for the Vulcan if all the pitted chrome bolt on crap was gold and it didn't have a dented tank and holes in the seat where her vaginal emissions had eaten through the vinyl, and sell the Yamaha for $250 under cost, to cover the new and improved doc fee. The FSB even went so far as to show Monikwa in the NADA book that she was giving her $800 over book value. When all's said and done, the Lazy K lost more than a thousand dollars on the deal. But the FSB got $50.

The Last Sumo

The Buddha has left the building. Reduced to playing on the internet after watching Juan Capistrano, the new F and I guy from Delaware, walk in, talk to the CSB for five minutes and take his job, the Buddha decided it was time to leave when the CSB raised his healthcare premiums fom $80 a month to $800 and then told him he would have to take a pay cut that would make him earn about $65 less than his healthcare premiums every month after taxes, because playing on the internet doesn't pay very well at the Lazy K. Nothing pays very well now that we are down more than 42% over last year and having serious problems with all our creditors and the District Attorney.

So the Buddha went to a job interview near his house, and thinks he has a job. What he doesn't know is that Juan Capistrano realizes the Lazy K is a crazy place, he's not going to make any money here, and has been interviewing all over town. It won't be long before Star or the Meal Ticket is calling the competent woman again and asking her how to fill out loan and title paperwork, then arranging for everyone to come back in and redo their loan papers when they get someone in the Buddha's chair who knows what the hell they are doing.

Does the Buddha know he is eligible for unemployment? All he has to do is mention the insane drug induced behaviour of the CSB and her frequent requests that he commit fraud when filling out sales contracts.

It worked for the Rhino.

Dude, Where the Fuck's my Bike?

This guy called service today to see if his bike is ready to be picked up. I would say "fixed," but that's stretching things. If it's still running after we've touched it, that's a good thing.

It is a 2006 Yamaha R6, and we can't find it.

Star and the service department spent the morning trying to figure out where it is, and then Famous Nobody the drag racing snitch sauntered in a couple days late. He thinks he remembers leaving the bike outside with the key in it Saturday night.

When she awoke from her self induced coma in the back office, the CSB said, "Tell the fucker to call his insurance company, because we're not responsible."

Choke

Since she's been on the outs with Freddie Fife, and the Meal Ticket has Star under direct supervision, the CSB has been calling and emailing everyone who's fucked her recently, hoping to find someone willing to do it again and prove that she's wonderful, desirable, and young. That's a lot of email and phone calls. And a couple of responses.

Taco Dave showed up and took the CSB to lunch, leaving his faggy little dogs behind to fight with the Poodle and piss on the ATVS and floor.

We welcomed the three hours of what passes for sanity at the Lazy K, and managed to get some work done. The Buddha resolved the wide receiver controversy on his fantasy football league, and Star wrote up Famous Nobody, the drag racing snitch nobody has ever heard of, for doing burnouts and wheelies across the parking lot on a customer's GSXR 600 that was in for a tire change until the old tire wore down to nothing and exploded.

When they got back, the CSB looked even more pie eyed than usual, and smelled of wine coolers and sour druggie sweat, and after stumbling the dogs through Weavepole Dave's weavepoles in front of the store a couple of times, she told the new Counter Cow who answers the phones to hold her calls, while she and Taco Dave went into the pass out room to discuss dog agility.

Freddie Fife called, and the Counter Cow told him the CSB was busy with a client. Then the Old Battleax called, and the new Counter Cow told her the same thing. When the Old Battleax called back and told the Counter Cow to get the CSB now, the Counter Cow walked in on the CSB throwing up on Taco Dave's lap while she was trying to give him a drunken blowjob, because she is still hot, and that's what hot girls do on the internet. She'd had a salad for lunch.

The CSB spent the rest of the afternoon screaming at the new Counter Cow that she was not to ever go into the office if the door was locked, or she would be fired. She told her not to tell anybody what she saw or why Taco Dave left the Lazy K with her pink State U. sweatshirt tied around his waist or she would be fired. The Counter Cow should be grateful to have a fucking job.

Then the CSB passed out in the back room with her dogs and their toys and the smell of vomit because the cleaning person doesn't come in until tomorrow.

Some people just can't keep their fucking mouths shut.

Someone's Getting Fired Today


From the time she staggered in early this afternoon, the CSB has been wandering the store saying, "someone's getting fired today."

The CSB doesn't know who to accuse of leaking the information about Freddie Fife finally deciding to dump her crazy ass to the world, so she's blaming everyone.

First, the CSB and Star cornered the Buddha at the computer where he sits and plays fantasy football now that there is a new Finance Manager, Juan Capistrano. The first person to apply for the Buddha's job got it, but instead of firing the Buddha, he has been relegated to sitting at the computer evaluating tight ends.

The Buddha denied having anything to do with spreading the bad news, even when Star asked if he'd be willing to submit to a polygraph. So they went on down the list of suspects.

Paco is safe, because the CSB thinks he's as loyal as one of her dogs, and that's how she treats him. So Star and the CSB decided to interrogate Mondo in the back room. Mondo denied saying anything, and is the best salesman, so Star told him not to, if he was.

With her shoulder hunched up and newfound limp that changes legs, the CSB resembled a cartoon hunchback as she stumbled around the showroom with her little dogs in tow repeating the clever phrase, "Someone's getting fired today."

Customers found this oddly amusing. Several laughed when she tripped over Bandit. It was distracting to the employees as they went around trying to do their jobs, especially the way the CSB tried to stare us down while her eyes rolled around in her head, hoping the crazed look would make someone break down and confess so he or she could be fired today.

She wandered back to parts and said someone is getting fired today, then accused the guys in the parts department of spreading the word. They denied it, so the CSB wandered back to service and threatened to fire everyone there too.

For some reason, idiots think it's cute to let their kids call the Lazy K and ask for the best price on something. Mondo got one of those calls, and told the kid he could have a brand new $5499 Honda CRF150 for $1999, if he came in and made sure to ask for Friar Tuck. Sure enough, the idiot got in his jacked up pickup truck and drove his brat a hundred miles to the Lazy K, and asked for Friar Tuck then called him a fucking liar when Friar Tuck said he never spoke to Idiot Jr. and wasn't going to sell him a $5499 Honda for $1999. The idiot then said he knows the CSB and wants to speak to her.

The CSB listened to the idiot, told him someone's getting fired today, then drifted out of the conversation and got on the phone to tell the Old Battleax that all these motherfucking liars are denying they said anything as soon as the idiot asked for the Lazy K to pay for his gas.

The idiot stormed out, turned around, came back and slammed the door, drove around the parking lot once and stopped in front of the Lazy K, honked his horn for a couple of minutes while he flipped us off screaming that Friar Tuck is a lying motherfucker and a motherfucking liar then burned rubber leaving the parking lot. He was pulled over half a block away and ticketed for not wearing a seatbelt.

The CSB made the Buddha leave the company computer just as he was selecting a quarterback so she could send these emails to the Rhino:

"If you are bucking for an invitation to our wedding...Forget it. WE DO NOT LIKE YOU. Never write Freddie again. Also you need a drivers license to get there so boo-hoo you are our of luck. Get a green card and a life while you are at it! Freddie loves me I love him sorry you can't get a man so you had become a lesbian. GOOD LUCK.......hahahahahahahahahah"

and,

"wassssssss a matter you e-mail my man. But scared of me huh?Life is so great now that you are gone."

Next, the CSB called Baby Hitler at the other Lazy K and accused him of spreading rumours that Freddie had dumped her. She told Baby Hitler she would get his ass fired if he did it again.

The CSB looked up from the computer and said, "someone's getting fired today."

Then the CSB passed out in the back room surrounded by her dogs and their toys and the Buddha got to select his quarterback.

Idiot's Guide to Unemployment Benefits

Few people realize that if they quit an awful place to work and can prove it was an awful place to work, they are eligible to collect unemployment benefits. One enterprising former inmate at the Lazy K is presently collecting unemployment benefits after quiting and claiming she left because she no longer wanted to take part in illegal and unethical actions. In another brilliant executive decision, the Old Battleax responded to the claim by demanding proof of these illegal and unethical actions.

So the ex-inmate printed off the District Attorney's page from the Internet about suing the Lazy K for fraud, and brought that and a couple emails from the CSB ordering illegal happy pills from a Canadian pharmacy and two from craigslist with dick pics sent to the CSB at the company account to the hearing. According to those sissies who work for the state, breaking the law and committing fraud can not be part of your job description. Even at the Lazy K. And you don't have to look at dick pics on the company computer either.

If you are an inmate at the Lazy K, and have put up with their shit for 3 months or more, you are probably eligible for unemployment, even if you quit.

Other things to mention in filling out your claim, if your supervisor is the Homeless Guy or Fearless Leader, are the racist, anti-gay and sexist remarks you have constantly overheard. If you work back in service and have been called a fucking idiot be someone besides a customer, and you probably have on a pretty continuous basis since you started, because you are one, you are also eligible to collect.

Get them checks rollin' in.

Bad Star, No Gixxer

All he had to do was make the payments.

Star convinced the Meal Ticket that his bad credit was the result of bad things happening to him and bad things other people had done. So to make him happy and live with her, the Meal Ticket let Star run up her credit to buy a Suzuki GSXR600, and a big screen TV, and max out everything else in her name, as long as he made the payments.

The way the program works is that if Star makes the payments on time, he gets to ride the GSXR for $99 a month. If he doesn't, the interest rate jumps to loan shark and the payment triples.

Because the Lazy K is experience record declining sales, lawsuits and a lack of potential employees willing to work for a psychotic pill popping despot and her little rent boy, Star's bonuses haven't quite equalled all the new debt his Meal Ticket took on. So he was late making the $99 payment.

Between the two of them, Star and the Meal Ticket couldn't get the lender to lower the payment back to something they could pay together if she hangs out at the Lazy K and answers the phones and makes sure Star isn't having sex with the CSB now that Freddie Fife is dumping her cazy ass and the Rhino isn't around to rebuild her myspace and type for her so she sounds intelligent and coherent while she trolls for new meat on the internet, so the Meal Ticket put her foot down and told Star the Gixxer has to go.

Of course, Star still owes about what he paid for it, so his only alternative was to get another motorcycle. And the only lender who will finance Star's Meal Ticket at this point is Honda. Fortunately, the Lazy K bought a whole truckload of old VTX1300s for $5900 each. So Star was able to get out of the Gixxer and onto an old man's motorcycle nobody wanted for two years in a row, and the payments are only about double what he promised to pay last time and didn't.

The Meal Ticket doesn't mind. There's space for her big ass on the back of the new bike.

Sandpaper Tongue

One afternoon when she returned drunk from a very disappointing three hour lunch with one of the radio reps, the CSB told the Rhino that she occasionally lets the poodle lick her off. She said he never complains that he's too tired or asks her to take a shower first. And he never needs new batteries.

Parts Department Beat Down

The CSB hired a New Toothless Guy to work in parts, and even though the New Toothless Parts Guy knows nothing about parts or personal hygiene and is always texting his friends, she wouldn't let the Tour Guide fire him.

Until today, we didn't know why.

Apparently, the New Toothless Parts Guy is dealing drugs out of the Lazy K. He texts the buyers, and they show up and leave with their "stuff."

We were busy for a change, and one of his clients came in. Scabfest was a scabby woman with scars on her scabs and scabs on her scars and open sores on her face. She was not a pretty sight. After waiting for what seemed to her an eternity (also known as 15 minutes) at the back of the line, Scabfest grew agitated and started wandering around the store, bumping into people, then pushing them out of the way, trying to get to the front of the parts counter. Scabfest told the New Toothless Parts Guy that she wanted her stuff. The New Toothless Parts Guy told her to come back later.

This wasn't what she wanted to hear, so Scabfest went outside and got her Ole Man, because she was being disrespected and nobody disrespects Scabfest like that when she's trying to conduct her busniess affairs. Her Ole Man came in and started shoving people out of line, telling them to get the fuck out of the way and shut the fuck up or he was going to kick someone's ass, yelling and reaching over the counter, demanding his stuff now, or there was going to be a real asskicking. Despite being dirty and creepy and causing a scene, he sported a rather nice mullet haircut.

Scabfest's Ole Man got in a confrontation with most of the other customers. The rest grabbed their kids and left. An ex-inmate of the Lazy K, who happened to be in there buying parts, grabbed hold of Scabfest's Ole Man by the neck and wrangled him down then dragged him, kicking and screaming that he is gonna kick someone's ass, out of the store and into the parking lot, where the ex-inmate beat the shit out of Scabfest's Ole Man until he stopped saying he was gonna kick someone's ass.

Star locked himself in the bathroom and called the police on his cellphone, the Buddha made several good trades for his fantasy football team, and three police cars rolled up with sirens blazing.

They took Scabfest and her Ole Man into custody.

They have been living in their car. It has no license plates. The windshield is cracked and all the other windows have been kicked or otherwise broken out. The police found their cell phone, read the text messages, and took the New Toothless Parts Guy and his cell phone into custody.

The whole incident took about four hours to unfold.

About an hour later, the CSB came out of her self induced coma in the back office and poked her head out into the showroom, hoping to see her shadow. When told what happened, the CSB said she'd lost her cellphone about a month ago, even though we saw her on it pleading with Freddie Fife to meet with her after dog agility class a couple of nights ago and telling Taco Dave to meet her later yesterday, and her purse just rang when I tried to call her.

I'm not Crazy, I'm the CSB

Freddie Fife may have mentioned inadvertently to the CSB that in his opinion she could benefit from psychiatric help. He then mentioned it several more times over the course of the last few weeks, pretty much constantly since the revelation hit him that his girlfriend is fucking nuts. Though he still likes to fuck the CSB, Freddie doesn't like to hang around before or afterward. And he's hiding the pain meds now.

We know this because the CSB told the Meal Ticket, who's nursing degree qualifies her to answer phones and keep an eye on Star while the CSB stumbles around the Lazy K trying to prove to the world that she is still hot, despite being a drugged out skank who has blown the toothless guy back in parts for a handful of vicodin.

Then the CSB got on the phone, to whomever she vents to when her life catches up with her, and said, "The fucker said I need psychiatric help. Who does the son of a bitch think he is. I took him to Hawaii. I need help? He needs help. That's who needs psychiatric help."

CSBees Knees

The CSB showed up limping at work. First she told someone it was because she fell in the bathroom. Then she told someone else she tripped over her fucking dog. Then she told someone else she had a bone marrow biopsy because she might have cancer. We've heard three different stories about why the CSB's hobbling around complaining about the pain. And she complained to everyone that her fucking new Doctor won't give her anything for the pain.

I wonder if the CSB is going to different specialists for different ailments, trying to score more pain pills.

What a clever plan. I bet the poodle told her it's a good idea. Too bad he hasn't advised her to stick an ax in her forehead. That would cure everyone's pain.

Final Check

When we last left the Rhino, she had had enough of the CSB's rantings one day, complained about being sick and left at noon, never to come back. As she was leaving, the CSB shouted for Tits Ahoy to call the police, because the Rhino was driving without a license..

The Rhino called back the following day and told the CSB she had been arrested for driving without a license and spent the night in jail. The CSB told Star to tell the Rhino that the Lazy K needed a copy of the arrest report for her permanent employee record.

The Rhino avoided the Lazy K like the plague and little by little her spirits lifted, and she began to feel happy and alive again, once away from the delusional antics of the CSB and her yapping little mutts.

Then it was time to pick up her check, and the Rhino did the thing she dreaded most, returned to the Lazy K.

The CSB was there, crazy as a rabid cat, and full to the gills of Vicodin and Tit's Ahoy's Percocets. Her eyes were glassy and there was a sheen to her skin. She glowed with sweat and the need for a bath.

The Rhino asked for her check, and that's when the fun started. The CSB said she couldn't have it until she confessed to being the one who started this blog, the one who wrote the blog, and the one who was out to ruin the Lazy K and bring the CSB down.

Fortunately, the Rhino had decided to tape this exchange, and the tape makes for some interesting listening.

The Rhino called the Mother Ship and spoke to the one competent person at the Lazy K, the woman who handles all the money, and asked if there was any reason she couldn't have her paycheck. The Competent woman said no, and instructed the CSB to give the Rhino her check.

Then the CSB told the Rhino that she didn't remember the Poodle's myspace, and the Rhino could have her final check if she told the CSB what the password is to the Poodle's myspace.

The CSB began to cry, because it upset her that she was paying someone $17 an hour to be her friend and this person turned out, like everyone else in her entire life, to have found the point where there isn't enough money at the Lazy K to make it worth your while to be in that toxic dump anymore. The Rhino began to cry too, out of frustration because she wanted her final check and was hoping she wouldn't have to pacify a drugged out psycho in order to get it. She called the Competent woman again, and explained that she doesn't have the Poodle's log in information for myspace.

Tears smearing her eye makeup until she looked like a groupie gang banged by roadies at a Kiss concert, and quite sad to be losing her only paid friend left, the CSB told the Rhino she knew the Rhino and three other people who quit were responsible for the blog, and that if the Rhino confessed and told her the names of everyone responsible, she would get her check.

The Rhino called the Competent woman again. The third time was a charm. The Competent woman got the Old Battleax to call the CSB and tell her to give the fucking Rhino her goddamn check.

As the Rhino was leaving, the CSB shouted across the showroom that she was happy there were no illegal aliens working at the Lazy K anymore.

Riddler's Interview with Crusty

"I built this company on tits and ass. Who woulda known my hot tub is where my wife takes her baths. I told her she needed to lose weight. Now every time I turn around there's a dog show date. I went to one, it was like watching a person in a fat suit trying to run. I saw the dirt flying but she never went anywhere. I turned to my daughters for a prayer. "CSB, you gotta help me!" She said "OK, Can you loan me $80?" I said "NO!" She said "I'll just take it outta the drawer. Who gives a fuck?" My last chance. "FSB, can you please help me?" "I'm sorry. I broke my crystal and now I can't see. Plus, I been down. The sun said I needed to wear a frown. Can you talk to me in July? The stars say I'm supposed to be emotionally up. If not, I just visit the CSB and get high." That's when I realized "What have my stores come to be?" I have a fat wife that is breaking shocks on a motorcycle that she's riding to be free, a daughter who paints her eyes black down to her cheekbones to cover up the pill problem or buying drugs on the computer or giving out her credit card on the phone to anyone claiming to be calling from a pharmacy. I gotta another daughter who met an indian that took her to see a vision. She came back calling herself Two Dogs Fucking but she was on a "spiritual mission." Am I really that bad of a guy? Oh fuck it! Join the family! Get fat and get high!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CSB !!!!!!!



Half a century and 9 months ago (or 36 years and a day if you believe what she posts on Myspace), Young Crusty grunted twice, the Young Battleax said, "Get the fuck off me you son of a bitch, I've got the gearshift knob crammed up my ass," and the demon spawn that became the CSB was conceived.

Everybody please call and wish the CSB a happy birthday.

Use the toll free number if you have to.

Total Recall

Two and a half months ago, a customer bought his Suzuki C90 in for a recall. Apparently the fuel pump can come loose and cause a fire. He hasn't seen his bike since.

But he has received an estimate for $650 to repair the battery wiring harness, which somehow got fried and melted together after the Service Department got hold of the bike. They claim it came in that way, and even though he rode the bike in, it doesn't run anymore.

According to the Parts department, the parts necessary for the recall are on backorder and we don't know why every other dealer in town has them in stock.

He went to the front counter and told the CSB she is a fucking idiot and a lying bitch. The meds had kicked in, so she thought he was swearing at the dogs, and told him that her dogs don't deserve to be cussed at and the poodle is not an idiot even though he does like to fuck his pillow in front of the doorway, and Bandit doesn't lie, even though she is a bitch. Even though the CSB thought this was really funny, it just seemed to make the customer madder.

The customer stormed out and the CSB felt a moment of regret that the Rhino isn't here anymore to laugh with her at customer tantrums.

Then the CSB apologized to the poodle on the bad man's behalf.

Credit Hold

The Lazy K is on credit hold with Suzuki and Yamaha.

This is not a good thing.

Despite taking drastic costcutting measures like cutting the eight people who've endured the Lazy K for longer than 5 years from 3 to 2 weeks of vacation, cutting the CSB and FSB's salaries, and changing the healthcare program to one that really sucks, then changing that within six months to one that straight up sucks donkey dick harder than the CSB looking to cop some vicodin and costs the employees 4 times more, so there are employees paying over $1000 a month to insure their families while making slightly more than the US poverty baseline and being subject to constant vitriol from a hillbilly clan one step crazier than a tribe of rabid racoons, the Lazy K can't pay it's bills.

Now hiring for all positions.

Your Boss is Tweaking

Mondo was selling a Suzuki C50 to a guy who wanted to load it up with every accessory known to man. In the background, the CSB was power walking back and forth and screaming at him about his wanting to go to the bathroom about half an hour ago, when she thought Mondo should have been taking a $5 up to sell a waverunner instead.

The customer watched the CSB for a while, then turned to Mondo and said, "Dude, I think your boss is on meth. Seriously. I'm an undercover cop, and I would bet she is on meth. She's tweaking."

What is it about cops and C50s?

After the cop paid way too much for the C50 and left, the CSB came over to Mondo and apologized profusely. She couldn't apologize enough. Then she offered to blow him if he'd give her some of the vicodin he gets for the bulging disc in his neck.

Finger Tight

Famous Nobody, the Dragracing Snitch nobody has ever heard of, is back in service, and things are going astray.

A guy brought in his Honda CBR600RR for the first service.

Famous Nobody did the work, and when the guy took it home, he noticed it was leaking oil.

He called the Lazy K, and was told to bring it back in.

On the ride back to the Lazy K, the drainplug fell out and dumped all the oil on the road. The bike got a little wobbly when the oil hit the rear tire and he could have been really really fucked. That's what happens when an envious little fuck who has nothing to show for his life except things his mother bought him takes out his hostilities on the customers.

When he called the Lazy K from the side of the road, the Service Writer asked the customer why he was riding the bike and not trailering it in. They gave him shit for riding his bike after Famous Nobody finger tightened the drain plug and decided that was good enough and it might be funny to see what happens when it backs out. They didn't offer to pick it up after fucking it up.

It's just a matter of time before another huge negligence case happens at the Lazy K. How many more million dollar lawsuits can they afford?