Bandit Bites Another Little Girl

Paco finally sold something. He's been pretty upset over the way he is portrayed as an efficient little worker bee buzzing merrily away in Chaos Meadows, and has been blaming the fact that everyone in the world knows about the blog for keeping people out of the store (I think we'd have more than 6 billion hits by now if that were true). So Paco and the Tour Guide have been sitting at Paco's desk, looking at videos of ZX-14s and drag motorcycle accessories on Paco's laptop.

Finally, Paco got someone to buy a Honda for his son, and had hidden the freight and prep fees like the CSB tells us to now that we are being sued, so Paco was going to make decent money. He kept his customer away from the CSB, so she couldn't open her mouth and serve up a discount, cutting into Paco's commission.

Paco was leading his customer back to the accessories counter, to get the little lad a helmet and chest protector. Suddenly, Bandit started barking and ran after the customer's little girl. The girl screamed and ran away. Bandit gave chase, and bit her on the calf, hard enough to leave a red mark.

The girl started crying, and the CSB came out from behind her computer.

"Your dog just bit my little girl," said Dad.

"She's not trying to hurt you," said the CSB, "She's just trying to herd you. Bandit loves children."

"Your dog bit my little girl," repeated Dad.

"Let me see what I can do to make things right," said the CSB.

She took the bill of sale from Paco, deducted $750, so Paco went from making money on the deal to making $5, and told the little boy he could have a free helmet. Then she locked Bandit in the back room so they could continue shopping in peace, without being herded.

After they left, the CSB said, "That little girl was running all over the place. No wonder Bandit bit her. People should keep kids like that at home."

Closing Time?


The District Attorney issued the following news release:

District Attorney Sam Shady today sued all-terrain vehicle and motorcycle dealer Lazy K for routinely slipping bogus "freight" and "dealer" charges - sometimes totaling more than $600 - into sales contracts with its customers, violating state law.

Shady filed the lawsuit in Nirvana County Superior Court against the dealer, which also does business under the name Crusty, Inc., accusing it of numerous violations of the state's Consumer Sales Practices Act and the state Advertisement and Sale of Motor Vehicles Rule for routinely adding phony charges to the advertised Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Prices for ATVs and motorcycles it sold.

"Most consumers don't realize when retailers are adding an unauthorized charge to the legitimate cost of a purchase, and they end up paying much more than they should," Shady said. "Our lawsuit alleges this company routinely pulled a fast one on its customers and violated state laws and rules that clearly protect consumers from such deception."

The District Attorney asked the court for an injunction against the defendant, consumer restitution for the overcharges, and a civil penalty of $200,000, plus costs.

The District Attorney said the company violated state consumer protection laws and rules by failing to include in its advertised prices for motor vehicles all costs except for taxes, title and registration fees, and documentary service charges; failing to make vehicles available at advertised prices; failing to clearly disclose all material terms and conditions of its vehicle sales; charging for "freight" and for prepping vehicles for sale despite agreeing with manufacturers not to assess such charges; and charging for unspecified and unnecessary services that were never performed.

Bandit is Dying, You Fucking Assholes

Bandit has been throwing up and having large smelly shits in the showroom for the last few days. So the CSB has been keeping her locked in the back office where she likes to pass out. The CSB has decided that one or both of the Wigger brothers are responsible for Bandit's illness, and her favorite theory is that they are feeding Bandit pickles and deliberately trying to kill the little monster. The CSB has been screaming at them to stay the fuck away from her dog. She had Twerpy the parts monkey and the weird new guy who has to register with the police when he moves put up kiddie doors to keep the dogs away from the sales staff. She instructed Tits Ahoy and the Manatee to watch everyone and tell her if anyone feeds her dogs.

Maybe Bandit is having sugar withdrawals because we haven't fed her cookies and chocolate lately.

The CSB took Bandit to the Vet, and told everyone she was there until 5:30 with the barking dog from hell, even though the discharge papers said she left around 10:00. She also told us that the Vet tested Bandit and Bandit tested positive for Cocoa in her system.

Why would someone lie about how long they were at the Vet's with their dog? Does anyone really believe your value as a person is measured by how long you stay at the doctor's office with a sick pet, or is it yet another ploy for sympathy, a desperate plea for attention, or an excuse for behaving the following day like a complete and total fucking cunt?

When Bandit barks like a dog possessed, because Mondo has been shoving No-Doz down her throat just to see what the equivalent of 16 cups of coffee will do to a small annoying dog that he wishes would die, the CSB screams at her to shut the fuck up. When the CSB left for one of her three hour lunches with the guy on craigslist who sent her dick pics, Tits Ahoy decided it was time to clean out the refrigerator. It hadn't been done in some time, and there were lots of old salads, which the CSB ordered and then got too fucked up to remember to eat, a few unfinished pizzas, assorted Taco Bell and a sausage biscuit from the BP gas station that was hard as a hockey puck.

A couple of the salespeople volunteered to help clean out the refrigerator. They went into the back room, opened the refrigerator, took all the old rotten food out, and threw it on the floor. Then one of them went and got Bandit, and turned her loose. It took almost an hour, but Bandit ate the sausage biscuit, all the left over Taco Bell, a lot of rotten salad and several pieces of pizza.

It's been easy for the customers to step over and around the piles of dog shit, because they forgot to take the foil wrapper off the sausage biscuit and Bandit ate it anyway, so it sort of sparkles when the light catches it just right.

Another Lazy K Experience

Isn't it nice to know that everyone enjoys the same great level of service at the Lazy K. Here is a customer's comment about the Lazy K.

"The Lazy K took over 8 weeks to fix my son’s motorcycle. They changed thier story 3 times as to what was wrong with it and did not honor the warranty from the manufacturer. First it was no Oil in the engine, then it was to much oil in the engine, finally it was dirt in the engine. Yet after they rebuilt it, they didn’t clean the dirt our of the engine and destoyed the valves. As a matter of fact, I even had to track down the parts through the manufacturer as they were to Lazy to find out why the parts had not arrived after 3 weeks on order."

I Can Pass Any Drug Test

The CSB has been on the phone telling everyone who will listen about the Blog, and explaining that it's not real. All she talks about is this damn blog. She claims everyone is out to get her, and that she has never bought prescription painkillers from anyone, and is not fucked up most of the time when she is at work, and does not pass out in the back room surrounded by dog toys. She spent an entire day on the phone telling the Old Battleax and Old Crusty about the blog, then explaining who all the characters were supposed to be, always fininshing with, "I'll take a drug test, I can pass any drug test."

Okay, we believe you, wink wink, take the damn test.

Maybe someone should call her doctor and express concern at the amount of medication she receives in the mail every week and buys from everyone who will sell it to her and steals from those who won't.

The other night, one of the technicians watched her weave down the freeway at 45 miles an hour, then pass halfway through the intersection at the exit before coming to a stop.

The CSB cancelled her Myspace account.

Star is strongly suggesting to the other employees that they don't talk to the supposed authors of the blog, and still sending out resumes.

The Manatee glares, scowls, and isn't happy to be a manatee.

On a positive note, a customer brought his Suzuki SV650 in to have a tire changed and wrecked in the parking lot as he was leaving. But at least it wasn't the Service Department's fault. He was showing off and making a sharp turn on the fresh tire, and the bike slid out from underneath him. This guy had bored all the salespeople for the two hours it took to put on the tire with stories of greatness about the six months he's been riding a bike and what a great bike the SV 650 is, so we were kind of glad to see him fall.