Paco's Parts

The CSB spent the morning out in front of the Lazy K screaming at Paco. She doesn't scream at the inmates in the store anymore, because she doesn't want her tirades to end up in the blog, so she takes them outside and rages.

Then the CSB came inside and told the other salespeople that they might as well hear it too, anybody caught contributing to the blog is out of here. And if she has to, she will fire everyone in the entire store if anything current shows up in the blog. "I don't care if I have to pay unemployment forever," she said, "I have to live here, you can quit and go somewhere else, but I have to live here. I live here and have a good reputation to uphold. and this blog is hurting our reputation. Because I have to live here and you don't. You can go somewhere else and quit, but I have to live here. And you don't. But I have to. And uphold my reputation. I have to live here forever."

Tits Ahoy still has back pain from her car accident six years ago. She put half a dozen percocets on the counter, and went back to get a drink of water to take them with. When she returned, the CSB was in the process of dry swallowing something, and her pain pills were gone. Tits Ahoy is worried that the State could step in and take her daughter if they find out she is selling the CSB part of her prescription every week.

Recently, Paco got himself a Kawasaki ZX-14. He was really happy, even though the CSB charged him a lot more than he wanted to pay, and made him pay the new non-negotiable $250 doc fee and didn't give him very much for his trade. He ordered a lot of new parts for his bike, and was looking forward to putting all the parts on his bike and escaping from his pregnant wife and screaming kids for a day at the drag strip.

The CSB went to her computer and passed out. Drool seeped from the corners of her mouth. But at least she wasn't in the back room, asleep with her dogs and their toys, like it says in the blog. She is making an effort not to do the things the blog says she does. Except for having sex with Taco Dave. And letting her dogs shit all over the back of the store. And buying pills from her employees. And calling her mother a fucking bitch when she hangs up the phone.

Paco's parts came. And they were for a Suzuki Hayabusa. Nothing fit. What a surprise. So Paco got to argue with Baby Hitler about who made the mistake, and try to get the Lazy K to order the right parts and not make him pay the re-stocking fee.

Around 3 PM, the CSB woke up and started wandering through the Lazy K, wishing everyone a good morning.

And more good news, while the CSB was sleeping and drooling and dreaming of leaping poodles and giant vicodin bottles on puffy pink clouds and sex with the new radio rep, we sold Paco's Buelltaco for $2000 more than Paco got as a trade-in allowance, which is about double the norm at the Lazy K. So Paco got fucked on the deal even more than he thought.

Later in the evening, the CSB decided to start negotiating the non-negotiable doc fee with customers, it just seemed like a good thing to do that magical day when the afternoon felt like morning, the moon was in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligned with Mars, and it got as low as $50 for one ripe and pungent Pakistani who wanted a discount because there was dust on the exhaust pipe, and $100 for everyone else. But not Paco.

The CSB even waived the state taxes and title fee for one bright hilljack who decided he didn't want to pay a $15 title fee for an $8000 ATV. So he won't get a title for his quad. Dumbass.

Then the CSB wandered into the middle of one of Mondo's deals and let the customer have a Honda Recon for $861 below cost after he watched Bandit run through the weavepoles in front of the ATVs three times. Mondo made $5 for the two and a half hours he spent trying to sell the guy.

Mondo was not happy with the CSB. And he said so. 

"I don't need you to tell me how to do my fucking job," said the Crazy Screaming Bitch, "I've been doing this for fucking ever. Just be glad I stepped in and saved the fucking deal. If you don't fucking like the way I fucking do things, you can fucking quit whenever you fucking want, but I have to stay here. So don't tell me how to do my fucking job."

Then the CSB put the poodle on the front counter and asked it how to spend $5.

"That's $35 to a dog," said Ol' Wigger, "That's a lot of money."

Now Paco wants the Lazy K to give him $150 back, the part of the doc fee the CSB is willing to negotiate away to anyone who asks faster than she drops her pants for hot dick pics from Craigslist, even though the law clearly states that you have to charge everyone the same doc fee. The CSB said no.

Welcome to business as usual at the Lazy K.

CSB- The Good Old Days

A reader sent this to us, and we thought it was worth including.

Sister Dick,

Here is what I posted on advrider about my experiences with the industry and my limited but interesting CSB meeting.

I worked at the dealership that had the Suzuki and Honda line before the LazyK moved into town. What is REALLY funny is that the shit that went on at that dealership is just like the LazyK.

The owner was a washout med student that was given the dealership to run by his dad. His girlfriend was a part-time hooker who had a serious coke problem! She had huge saggy boobs and she always looked like she hadn't slept in a week. Her sister worked there for a short time and she was just freaky-hot! Dumb as a post too!

Most days the boss was gone so the parts manager, the cashier/receptionist and I ran the place. I was 18 and I wanted that job so bad that I worked for $1.85 an hour when minimum wage was $2.50. His absences were so bad that I became the designated check signer since everything came COD. It was fun while it lasted and I bought a bunch of bikes in my time as parts guy.

It went under after three years. BTW, I married the cashier/receptionist. Er...divorced her too.

CSB was a HOTTIE way back when. I saw her drunk at a dealer show and some rep had his hand down her pants. I think she was underage at the time too. Ahh...the good old days...

It seems like not much has changed. I can't wait to stop by on my next trip back to Chaos.


interview with the CSB

"My name is CSB.
No one acts like a crackhead better than me.
It's not an act, ya'll done got the facts.
Where's the loyalty? I thought these people had my back.
But it's okay, it worked for Whitney; CRACK IS WHACK!
Speaking of Whitney, it reminds me of my boyfriends like Bobby.
Running from cops, jumping fences with my dogs right behind me.
That's how I picked up my second hobby.
What's my first hobby you ASK?
I get my pills like Meals on Wheels.
When the FedEX truck shows up, I'm like a kid at the ice cream truck.
Pushing old ladys in walkers to get up front.
Don't talk to me after 10:05, pills are in me, fuck customers, I'm high!
I've watched tons of Lazy K slaves come and go.
Who cares, I'm the leading star
like Johnny Depp in Blow.
Alright, I'm too high, I'm out.
If you need me I'll be in the back taking a nap, snorting pills, or smokin' my crack. "

Please Stop

Dear Readers,

Please stop calling the Lazy K and asking if it is the Lazy K. I don't know if you are using their toll free number, and neither do they, because they don't have caller ID. This is not funny, and they don't want to pay for a bunch of prank calls coming from all over the US and Canada. They get billed something like $1.25 if the call comes from a payphone, so stop doing it.

The inmates are trying to work, and they are getting tired of picking up the phone, answering questions which appear to be from legitimate customers to the best of their ability, and then being asked if the CSB is already passed out in the back office.

None of us think this is funny. We are laughing at something else. Honest.

Also, we don't know who is impersonating the owner of a Canadian Pharmacy, but getting the CSB's hopes up like that is just plain cruel. And I still can't believe you got her to give you a credit card number over the phone.

To the person who is sending the dick pics to the company email, this too must stop. The email address you are getting off the company website is incorrect. They are somehow ending up in the wrong Lazy K, and giving Old Crusty conniption fits.

Thank you for your understanding,

The Staff at the Wicked Bitch of the West Side Blog

PS- We are actively seeking stories about the Lazy K and the CSB's interesting and colorful past. Please email any CSB or Lazy K anecdotes you wish to share to

Hillbilly Beat Down

Paco got his ass kicked by a girl.

Star decided to have a party to celebrate his Meal Ticket graduating from nursing school and being able to make payments on more crap he wants to buy and can't afford. He invited everyone from the Lazy K, and the Rhino and Paco both showed up. The Rhino brought Mr. Moose, her strapping hillbilly girlfriend, and Paco came in his leather fag pants and matching jacket.

Paco was talking to Mr. Moose and told him/her that he was not making very much money because of the blog, and he is sure the mole is the Rhino. He called her a fucking cunt.

This did not sit well with Mr. Moose, and she grabbed Paco and threw him to the ground. Mr. Moose was smacking the shit out of Paco, until Star and his boyfriend pulled her off. Paco tells everyone he was a kung fu champion, but apparently Drunk Hillbilly Opening Up a Can of Whoopass on You trumps Prancing Dragon Style.

Paco disgraced his dojo. In Japan, Kung Fu Master Paco would have disemboweled himself in shame. Fortunately, he couldn't find a knife among the sporks sharp enough to commit ritual suicide and burn an indelible mental picture in the minds of the other guests, including the Meal Ticket's family, who were wondering why a big mean bull dyke was beating the crap out of somebody who looked like he mistook the party for the audition site for the Village People movie.

Once on his feet, and safe from the menacing redneck, who was being restrained by Star and his ambiguously gay friend Brian, Paco told Mr. Moose that his pregnant wife could kick Mr. Moose's ass.

She must beat the shit out of Paco on a regular basis.

Star was in his usual after work alcohol fueled stupor, so he decided it would be a good idea to watch the drunk neighbor do donuts in the future in-law's lawn with his jacked up 4 by 4.

Ol' Wigger showed up with a cooler of frozen jello shots, and started throwing them at Star. Star caught several strawberry fastballs with his forehead, and then passed out at the table. The Meal Ticket decided she liked the way Ol' Wigger pitched, so they made out while Star was face down in the potato salad, and Paco told anyone who would listen how much he hates the Lazy K.

The CSB must have been horny, because she called Freddy Fife Dave.