Donuts

The CSB went to a seminar one of the local newspapers put on this morning at a local hotel. The seminar was about how to effectively advertise in this economy. The best idea the person who gave the seminar had was to advertise in the local newspaper. The CSB fell asleep and missed most of the seminar. On the way out of the conference room, the CSB stole a dozen donuts that were there for the guests. By the time she got here and stumbled out of her SUV, only seven remained.
"Who wants a donut?" she asked, and tried to place them on the counter.
The CSB was a bit unsteady and the box slipped from her grasp and the donuts fell out and onto the floor. Bandit grabbed a donut and ran off.
"Someone grab that fucking dog and take the donut away from her," screamed the CSB, "Damn dog tripped me."
She floundered around picking up donuts, putting them back in the box. There was icing on the floor where donuts landed face down. When the CSB had most of the donuts back in the box, she placed it on the counter and then told the Meal Ticket to go tell the service department guys that there are donuts, if anyone wants one.

Leaving On A Good Note

Little Wigger has had enough. Enough of the CSB and enough of the crazy idiots that want something for nothing. One of them called and wanted to buy a 4 wheel drive Yamaha Grizzly ATV with fuel injection and power steering for $5000, even though it lists for $8999. The guy was calling from a state and a half over, and made Little Wigger call him back so he wouldn't have to pay for the call. Little Wigger listened to the guy talk about what a great deal he had worked out with a dealer five and three quarters states over, and if Little Wigger matched the other dealer's imaginary price, which no other dealer in the Eastern United States had offered to, it would work out better for the cheapskate, because he could have a friend pick the ATV up and deliver it to him, instead of driving the 1084 miles roundtrip, according to mapquest, to get it from the only dealer in the continental US to offer him such a deal. Besides, the mooch said the other dealer sounded a little snakey when he asked for the guy to put the offer in writing and fax it to him.

Little Wigger thought about it for a while, and decided this had all the makings of a great final sale. He explained to the mooch that the reason dealers who sell things really cheap can't put it in writing and fax it is that they get in a lot of trouble with yamaha. So Little Wigger told the guy that what we do instead is record the purchase, and that works even better. He put the guy on speaker phone and kept telling the guy that the microphone wasn't picking up his voice, so the guy was screaming in the phone that he wanted a Grizzly ATV with power steering for %5000 out the door.

Got it, said Little Wigger, picking up the phone just as the dogs were barking at the noise. He hoped they wouldn't lure the CSB out of her daily drug induced stupor in the back room.

The mooch sent his friend in with $5000 cash to buy the Grizzly of his dreams. Unfortunately, his friend didn't know much about ATVs, so Little Wigger sold him a left over 2006 2 wheel drive Grizzly 350 that we marked down to $3500. He pocketed the difference, helped the friend load the ATV into his pickup, then got into his car and went to lunch.

That was a week ago. Little Wigger hasn't been back and the guy who bought the ATV is not very happy that we won't take it back and give him a refund. He keeps screaming that we need to listen to the recording and we will see what he really wanted.

CSBeatdown

The CSB decided to make things right with Freddie Fife.
Freddie finally got tired of scarfing up salty spunk oysters from her tired old love prune and waking to the heady pickle of sour junkie sweat on his sheets after too many bouts of hot steamy sex that she failed to stay awake during, and unceremoniously dumped her ass by leaving her in the rain in a Lowes parking lot.
The CSB found out Freddie Fife was on a top secret State Highway Patrol mission doing security guard duty at a county fair.
So she showed up and told him that she loved him.
But it came out all wrong, because she was drunk and high on life and vicodin. In order to better state her case, the CSB began to hit Freddie Fife with her fists and scream at him that he is a fucking asshole and a son of a bitch and that she hopes he dies.
This did not go over very well with fairgoers and the people who hired Freddie Fife to keep the peace. Nobody pays good money to see their rent a cop beaten up by a tweaker.
So Freddie Fife did what any experienced law enforcement officer does when assaulted by a stubby foul mouthed ex-girlfriend in public.
Freddie called for backup.
Two security guards came running. When they saw what was going down, they stopped in place and laughed their asses off and called everyone with a walkie talkie over with "Officer needs assistance, you got to see this." Freddie Fife was backed against a fence, the CSB was swinging for the cheap seats, calling him the biggest fucking asshole she'd ever met in her life, screaming at the gathering crowd that he has a small dick and will fuck you over and leave you too, even in the ass. Parents were alarmed, and kids in strollers were laughing at him. So Freddie Fife said, "Quit laughing and get this bitch off me."
The security guards grabbed the CSB by an arm each. Freddie handcuffed the CSB and escorted her to the nearest State Highway Patrol car. Despite Freddie's professional expertise in placing her into the back seat, the CSB managed to attack the hood and rear window at least twice each with her face and the door pillar repeatedly with her forehead until she shut the fuck up.
After three and a half hours of screaming and puking in the back of the car, the CSB calmed down and/or passed out. So Freddie Fife had another officer drive her home and arrange her on her front lawn.
The next morning, which started at 2:37 in the afternoon for the CSB, she staggered into the Lazy K, looking like she'd spent the night suspended in a tree above blindfolded Mexican kids with baseball bats.
The CSB plans to sue for security guard brutality.
Apparently the entire altercation and the aftermath was caught on videotape, and it is quite entertaining to watch and listen to. Will someone please post it on Youtube?

Coming Through

Famous Nobody, the drag racing moron nobody has ever heard of, decided to drive an ATV through the double glass doors of the service department. So he did. The doors shattered and popped out of their frames.
Famous Nobody walked through the LazyK covered in glass shards, laughing like the Grand Marshall in a one retard parade of Village Idiots, because he's really cool and does neat things like riding a customer's ATV through the service department doors.
The CSB called Famous Nobody a fucking idiot and went back to her computer, where she now trolls Yahoo messenger looking for dates. Star's dumb as bricks Meal Ticket still helps the CSB spell out the big words.
Star wants to fire Famous Nobody, but he's the only mechanic in town who is too incompetent to get a job anywhere else, and from time to time Famous Nobody comes through with happy pills when the CSB is a little tense.
Who's going to tell Old Crusty how the door got broke?

Rumors of Drug Testing

The wonderful employees at the Lazy K receive a phone call from a reliable source that the Lazy K will soon be drug testing. They have never drug tested before, and it was an unwritten rule that you had to do drugs to get a job there.

Fearless leader calls an emergency meeting bout the problem. Frantically explaining to everyone, that if anyone has a habit, they need to clean it up right away! As the staff looked around at each other, Friar Tuck pipes up “Well, I’d say we are all fired.” Fearless leaders face turned bright red. “This is not a joke!” he barked. Poor Fearless Leader, how will he ever quit smoking weed? He smokes on the way to work, at lunch, on the way home and all night long.

If Lazy K really does drug test they would have to fire their own daughter. “We (the owners) are doing this to save money on our workman’s comp. so all you fuckin crackheads are gonna have to straighten up!!” Prime example of the pot calling the kettle black.
10/6/06

Customer Service

Yesterday a customer bought a small motorcycle for his son. He was told by the CSB that he could pick the bike up between 11 and noon. He came in around a quarter to twelve, with kid in tow.

Star, the assistant manager, was having a discussion with the manufacturer's rep from Suzuki about the Customer Service Index. This is a way of measuring a customer's satisfaction with the sale and the dealership. Ours is surprisingly low. Star had just gone to a three day Suzuki CSI seminar and is gung ho to implement the things he's learned and improve our CSI. Nobody else at the Lazy K wants to implement anything. Fearless Leader says the dealerships that get high CSIs "kiss the customer's ass." And he's not going to kiss anyone's ass. He did enough of that in prison.

So Star is talking to the rep about improving customer satisfaction, and the guy comes in to pick up his son't new motorcycle. It isn't here.

The CSB picks up the phone and calls our warehouse, then starts asking "where's the fucking bike," while the customer, his kid and the manufacturer's rep are nearby. "I ask you to do one fucking thing, and you can't even do that. Get it up here now."

She listens a bit.

"Put the fucking thing together and put it on the truck today."

She listens a bit and slams down the phone, then puts her smile back on. "It will be here later. When would you like to pick it up?"

"When it's here," the customer replies.

"It will be here later this afternoon." She smiles sweetly.

The customer leaves and the CSB turns to the Rhino and starts swearing about the idiots who put the bikes together.

I wonder what the Manufacturer's Rep was thinking.

10/6/06

How the Lazy K keeps customers

You know how you take a date out and you hope that you can get them drunk enough to lower their inhibitions? Yeah, that's how the Lazy K keeps customers. If the CSB gets messed up enough the prices become lower.
The salespeople know this and take advantage. Especially that lezbo Beans, she tells all her little rug munching friends when to come in and purchase a new bike. Go Dykes on Bikes!

10/5/06

Customer Complaints

Today a guy who'd had his motorcycle in service for over three weeks just asked the service department to put it back together like it was when he brought it in to be fixed. It was running then, and hasn't since they started working on it.

The customer complained to the CSB and she waited until he left, then called him an asshole and paged Daffy the service writer and told him not to do anything for the asshole, because he was a litigious asshole and would sue us. When he left, she called Daffy an idiot because the service department, lacking basic diagnostic equipment, couldn't fix the asshole's bike.

10/5/06

Bandit Likes Chicken

Mondo is on the low carb diet again. Yesterday he bought and ate an entire chicken. Maybe he needs to practice portion control.

After devouring the entire chicken, he put the bones and packaging in the trash container behind his desk.

Bandit got into the trash and dragged the chicken carcass through the dealership, eating the bones and growling at the poodle whenever he tried to take a bite. The CSB saw this and went berserk, screaming at Bandit to stop eating the chicken, the poodle to get away from it, and Mondo that if her dog got sick she would kill him.

Mondo wasn't at work yet, because he is always the last one to get there and the first one to leave, so he missed her calling him an asshole, a fucking idiot, and all the other pet names she has for her employees. The CSB went on venting, telling customers what an awful person Mondo was, and making several threats against his life. She got on the phone with her mother and told her what Mondo did, and that if anything happened to her dogs she would kill him and he'd be the one paying the fucking vet bills. In all likelyhood she meant that he would pay the fucking vet bills and then she would kill him. It wouldn't work very well the other way.

Apparently one should assume dogs will rummage through the garbage beside one's desk at work.

Finally, when Mondo showed up, the CSB put on her best insincere smile and asked him to please throw his chicken carcasses in the dumpster. She's like that after the drugs kick in.

Day old chicken quickly passes through a dog, and Bandit spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon leaving big pungent piles of dogcrap in various places throughout the dealership.
10/4/06

It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's Fearless Leader!!!!

Today Friar Tuck sold a Suzuki DR650. Friar Tuck is a bitter and angry fat man who is happiest making other people miserable. Fearless Leader decided to show the world what an awsome rider he is while taking the bike back to the Service Department for the predelivery inspection. He got on the bike and raced across the parking lot. He raced back in the other direction. He sped up, and there was a loud crash. Fearless Leader hit the liquor store. He came limping back into the dealership complaining that his knee, now the size of a basketball, was bothering him.

The customer was scheduled to take delivery of the bike an hour after the crash. Friar Tuck had to call him and tell him not to come because the bike did not pass the predelivery inspection.

Fearless Leader went around to all the departments and all the employees and entertained them for what seemed like days with a description of the accident, other accidents he'd been in, other accidents he'd heard about people being in and people he'd never met or heard of who may or may not have been in accidents. This went on for a long time. Finally, Fearless Leader went home. Happiness settled over the Lazy K.

But it was shortlived, for Friar Tuck followed behind Fearless Leader, complaining to all who would listen about the lost sale.

The CSB found out Fearless Leader wasn't wearing a helmet. She made all the employees in service sign a statement that they knew they had to wear helmets when they ride customer bikes, under threat of termination. Fearless Leader decided to show up at work stoned out of his mind on pain meds. He started acting even more stupid than usual, so the CSB convinced him to go home.

Once he left, the CSB referred to Fearless Leader throughout the day and during the course of his recuperation as a fucking idiot. He is a fucking idiot, and she called one right for once.

first published 10/3/06