The Buddha Chokes

Before he could start his busy day of watching College Football, the Buddha needed a little nourishment. So he trundled over to the mini-mart and got himself a liter of orange soda and some Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies. This is a man who, between cigarettes, has broken three desk chairs , including literally cracking the wheels in half on the last one, six customer chairs, and two toilet seats. Can you imagine what it takes to break a toilet seat in two? We had to buy him a chair with a 500 Lb. rating. The Buddha likes the new chair but complains that it is difficult to sleep in.

The Buddha parked himself in front of the big screen and proceeded to pop little cookies into his mouth. One went down wrong, and he started to cough and choke. This went on for several moments, leading Beans to look at Mondo and ask if the Buddha would be okay. They looked at the Buddha and realized that between bouts of choking and coughing, he was still shoveling cookies into his mouth.

An idiot drove slowly by, peering intently into the plate glass, trying to see through the showroom and decide what motorcycle to buy at 5 mph.

Then a moron in a big truck pulling a trailer decided the best place to park was right in front of the Lazy K, blocking both entrances while he went to the service department to see if his ATV was fixed. It wasn't, but they convinced him it was. To check whether or not they fixed whatever problem it has required the moron to race his quad across the parking lot as fast as he could and then slam on the brakes before hitting the mini-mart. He needed to do this several times before deciding it was fixed, loading his quad and giving us our doors back.

Mondo fed Bandit the entire crust of a pizza he'd split with Paco for lunch yesterday and the poodle took a big shit on the carpet. The Rhino covered it up with a paper towel.

Idiot #2 for the day called and the service department told him one of the 4x4 quads isn't really four wheel drive, then transferred him up to sales so they could explain what he meant. Beans picked up the line, listened to his nonsense, then paged Mondo, "Mondo, there's an idiot on line one," Fortunately, she only does this when the store is devoid of customers.

Idiot #2 wanted best prices and detailed specifications on four different ATVs. Somebody at work was selling one and he wanted to know if it was a good deal. He wanted an explanation of what limited slip means. Mondo listened to Idiot #2 for about fifteen seconds, then told Idiot #2 he could find answers to all his questions on the internet. Idiot #2 told Mondo he wanted to talk to him instead. So Mondo said he had another call and put Idiot #2 on punitive hold, then ate an apple. By the time he got back to the line, Beans had hung up on Idiot #2 because she didn't like the sound the phone makes when an idiot is put on punitive hold for a long time.

the CSB spent the morning passed out on her back in the office. She had a date yesterday with a Highway Patrol officer she found on myspace, who she says is the one, then talked on the phone with him telling him how much fun she had, and with Taco Dave telling him she can't wait to see him later. Apparently this is exhausting. Maybe it's keeping all the stories straight that taxes her grey matter. Or the two maracas she got from Canadian pharmacies yesterday.

Then the CSB went to get a massage.

She came back and watched Prime, and found the film inspirational, because it was about her life if Uma Thurman was an aging drugged out skank who screws bottom feeders she scoops up off the internet.

Mondo is getting several very interesting replies from the members of, including one guy who seems to be trying to relive his experiences in Attica.

If you ride a bike, or even if you don't, please sign the Vespatition

This guy knows our customers

I found this on a website discussing our blog and a post about the customers. I have found a kindred spirit. I hope he writes more.

"Know it alls. Can discuss bike specs and reviews for hours. Only thing they don't know is which bike to buy. Know nothings buying parts who are uncertain of make, model, and part name, and year. Chiselers will spend 2-3 years before buying a low mileage leftover return, and expect helmet, jacket, and gloves included. The guys on beaters who want to talk about goldwings or race bikes. The guys who can use half a bikes performance but insist on pipes and power commanders. the wannabes. "

Good to know we are not alone.

Baby Hitler, the repo man

This morning Baby Hitler repossessed the car he sold Shaggy. Shaggy didn't show up for work one day following reports that there were a lot of things missing in the parts department, like tires and racing clutches and a racing suit and lots of money. So Baby Hitler went out to his house and took the car back. He'd sold the car before to new employees, and has repossessed it four times that we know of. When Shaggy called to ask if Baby Hitler had repo'ed the car or it had been stolen, Baby Hitler told him that he better return the racing suit he apparently borrowed, or they are going to prosecute. Baby Hitler and Star, the assistant manager, both want him prosecuted, but the CSB remembers too many times when she exchanged pain relief medicine and body fluids with Shaggy, not to mention that she was the one who built his Myspace page, to want to see him behind bars.

Meanwhile, the new service tech who will be gone before we have to learn his name, who is actually fairly competent and has good customer relations skills, is on the CSB's shit list because she believes he told a customer what his trade is worth. The CSB accused him of stealing the Blue Book, and said that if he knows what something is worth, he should fucking sell it. Her tirade against the new tech went on for about a half hour, punctuated only by the barking of her dogs and her tirades against other employees and her mother.

The dogs bark at motorcycles and people wearing motorcycle helmets.

Star likes to make the dogs bark and chase him through the store. Both Beans and Mondo find it disruptive when they are trying to watch a movie on Beans' new laptop. They also find customers disruptive.

The CSB left three times today, and at the end of the day there was a sloshing sound when she walked. Oh, to find true love with three random strangers you meet on the internet. Imagine her life if her father wasn't successful and she lived near a naval port. Come to think about it, it would probably be about the same.

The CSB started screaming yesterday that Bandit is putting on too much weight and won't be an agility champion. Then she did something to piss off Mondo, so he went out and bought a package of the cheapest cookies he could find at Big Lots. Bandit loves cookies. She ate 16 assorted sandwich creams this afternoon.

Mondo has decided to embrace the spam. He is now the only member of with blue eyes, straight hair and a need for sunblock.

Mr. Moose, who the Rhino wants to be known as Bunny Fistmeister, gave the Rhino a ring. It either represents two weeks wages at Walmart or was purchased for two quarters out of one of the machines in front of the store. Either way, it's tacky. Mr. Moose is coming around a lot more lately, and so is the Hugger. He came back twice today to hug the Rhino. A fistfight between the demented old coot and the lesbian hillbilly may be in the offing.

Here is another interesting place to work

How was your day?

Shaggy settles for a honda

While his wife is still high on pain medication and recovering from a recent hysterectomy, Shaggy the parts manager convinced her to buy him a bike, since his credit is so poor he can't finance extra cheese on a pizza. He wanted a Hayabusa, but she couldn't get financed for it, so Shaggy settled for a Honda. I'm sure he'll help with the payments at least until he breaks it. The way he's talking, he might even consider moving back in with her.

Tomorrow he's taking his new bike drag racing.

Customers make the world go round

Actual dialog between two male customers:
Man 1: “Wow, this is a lot bigger!”
Man 2: “Really!?”
Man 1: “Yeah, here you get on it.”
Man 2: “Oooo yeah I like the way this feels!”

Of course, these two men have no idea that they sound like fags. I’m sure they are not gay, because they were comparing a new bike to one they are used to riding. Take away that fact and it just doesn’t sound right.

Customers are interesting people. You’ll find similarity between them, different groups if you will. Types of customers consist of: Pointers, Note Takers, GSRBs, Retired/Tire Kickers, Bankrupts, and last but most important the Buyers. If I forgot a type I’m sure it will come up later.

The Pointers – This is the person that just wants to know numbers. They want to point to a model and ask how much is that one, what does it weigh, how big is the gas tank. After hours of pointing to all 300 models they tire and go home.

The Note Takers – Very similar to the pointers but after they point and ask questions they jot it down in their handy notebook.

GSRBs – These are the religious riders. They used to do drugs and drink all the time til they hit rock bottom. Then they found God. To help stay away from bad habits they preach “God Says Ride a Bike”

Retired/Tire Kickers – Typically they are an older bunch, but they have nothing else to do besides go to all the dealerships in town and tell the staff stories about the good ol’days.

Bankrupts – “I filed bankruptcy 3 months ago, so I have a clean slate and I’d like to buy me a four wheeler.” Would you loan this type of customer money?

Buyers – Obviously these customers keep Lazy K in business.

The Rhino comes out to the Hugger

The Hugger is back. He's a formerly creepy old guy who has become a demented old guy. He is also a GSRBer. He comes in at least four times a week to hug all the women who work here. At first the Hugger's excuse for making frequent appearances at the dealership was that since God told him to trike his bike, adorn it with religious symbols and make it so fucking loud you can hear it four blocks away, it went from 55 mpg to 22, and he was only supposed to lose 12 mpg to the trike kit. It's a Honda Shadow, and he made the conversion about three years ago, but the Hugger clearly remembers getting 55 mpg. So he's had the service department re-jet the carb and change the pipes back to stock. He was running straight pipes, and that's probably why he needs hearing aids in both ears. While he's in the store, he likes to spread the love.

His wife is happy to have him out of the house. His neighbors are happy he put the stock pipes back on.

For some strange reason, the Hugger picked today to test the waters with the Rhino.

"What does your husband do?" the Hugger asked.

"I don't have a husband," snorted the Rhino.

"A pretty girl like you has to have someone. Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Actually Hugger, I have a girlfriend."

The Hugger's face changed color several times. He sat there looking flummoxed for several seconds, and then the Hugger said, "Well, I'll still hug you."

With that, the Hugger left. Evidently he meant sometime in the future, he was all hugged out today.

In unrelated news, a guy came back with his V-Strom and complained that our setup department had put the front wheel on backwards. The CSB assured him that the bikes come from the factory with the front wheel on, and that the manufacturer made the mistake, then went out and swore at the set up guys.

Taco Dave moves up the street

Taco Dave got a new job. This apparently helped his self esteem so much he was able to move five doors down from the CSB's new house, into the house of the mother of his 19 year old girlfriend and his alleged future offspring.

He sent the CSB an email saying he moved because she is a crazy bitch. She responded by staggering up to customers and employees and telling them what Taco Dave said, and that she's not crazy, then sending Taco Dave emails saying she gave him her heart and he broke it, and then passing out in the back office.

While he was in confessional mode, Taco Dave told the CSB he also engages in carnal relations with a woman he met on Craigslist who likes to get on all fours in the kitchen, have him cover her back with ketchup and mustard, and engage in rough unprotected anal sex.

She sounds like a real catch.

Ketchup & Mustard doesn't like faggy little dogs, so Taco Dave occasionally asks the CSB to watch his faggy little dog.

Once or twice a week we have to deal with three yapping little dogs running through the dealership, terrorizing and nipping at small children.