The CSB's Pussy

The CSB found a cat wandering in her neighborhood. So she did the only insane thing she could think of. She brought the cat to work. Mondo is allergic to cats, so she told him he would have to stay home until we find the cat a new home, even though he is the best salesperson at the LazyK.

As Mondo was packing his stuff, the CSB told him she didn't want him to leave, and would keep the cat in the parts department.

So the cat stayed in the parts department until the Rhino decided to bring it up to the front counter and feed it. Then it stayed in the parts department until it decided to wander through the store and find Mondo. Then it stayed in the parts department until the Poodle decided to chase the cat through the store. Then it stayed in the parts department until Friar Tuck decided to carry it over to Mondo's desk and put it in his chair.

Mondo is making plans to make the cat disappear.

A Rhino takes the plunge

Today Baby Hitler was loading a Rhino, the ATV made by Yamaha, not the cuddly but disease ridden office manager at the Lazy K, into the back of the happy new owner's pickup. Baby Hitler forgot to tie the ramps to the bed of the truck, so the Rhino fell off the back of the truck and stood on end then slowly fell to the right.

Daffy and the nameless service techs came out and applauded and made whooping sounds.

The customer was a bit upset, but became even more so when the CSB pointed out to him that he had signed a piece of paper absolving the Lazy K of responsibility for fucking up customer owned vehicles.

She did offer to help him file a claim with his insurance company then had the Rhino, the office manager, not the ATV, make even bigger signs stating the Lazy K is not responsible for loading or unloading customer owned vehicles.

Had Enough?

Fearless Leader puffs out his chest and says, “No law is gonna tell me where I can or can’t smoke!”

Applebees was the first place to go non-smoking.

“Well I’m not going to fucking Applebees again, and I hope the rest of the smokers do the same, we’ll put that damn restaurant out of business!” Unfortunately, for him, the smoking ban spread through the city. Last to go non-smoking was the good ol’ Lazy K.

Do you think Fearless Leader submitted to the new law?

Soon after the mayor received an anonymous email sent from the Lazy K while Mondo was at the Suzuki computer, informing the City that a certain dealership would not comply with the smoking ordinance, the cops were sent out to investigate.

Fearless Leader tried to outwit the law by standing inside the front door with his smoking arm and yellowed fingers holding a camel on the outside.

“My cigarette is not inside the building, you can’t do anything to me.” taunted Fearless Leader, "I am in compliance with the law."

Surprisingly, after explaining to both Fearless Leader and the CSB that technically the Lazy K and Fearless Leader were not in compliance with the smoking ban as long as Fearless Leader stood blocking the doorway and sticking his lips outside to take a drag, the dealership was let off with just a warning.

“Fucking Mondo! I know he did this to me.” Fearless Leader complained to a dealership full of people who hated him and were glad to see him suffer.

Without the privilege of smoking when and whereever he wanted and previous the rumors of drug testing, Fearless Leader’s stress level was boiling. To top it off, the CSB told all the employees that he was a fucking idiot and not to listen to a word he said.

Soon he was laughed at when barking orders. No one had any respect left for the ol’ inmate. After weeks of daily depression that not even the best drugs on the market could help, Fearless Leader threw in the towel. He only told the CSB that he would no longer be a member of the Lazy K.

The staff though it was a big hocus. He had been with the company for 15 years. With a record like his where else could he get a job?

Only baby Hitler cried when Fearless Leader's big red toolbox was loaded into the back of the company pickup and driven off the lot for the final time.

He lasted three days selling cell phones at Verizon.

Mondo and the Tomato

Mondo is a loner. Not the kind of loner that goes up in a building with a high powered rifle and picks off people he thinks might have something to do with whatever makes him angry, but the kind of loner who likes to ride his motorcycle long distances, read interesting and inspirational literature, and surf the web late at night looking for free porn sites. Every now and then Mondo thinks it would be nice to have someone to share this aloneness.

Having tired of waking up with a hangover and one arm around the village hunchback, and despite watching the CSB sift through the various losers of the week, Mondo decided to try internet dating. He found a free online dating site, and that made the decision easy.

Mondo started conversing with Betty Boop, who described herself as a former entertainer and hotel manager who is presently out on disability. BB sent Mondo some photos, and she appeared to be pretty cute, petite, long blond hair, height and weight proportional, just like her ad said. And no matter what Mondo said he likes, BB likes it too. Maybe, just maybe, Mondo had found his soul mate after all.

They decided to meet.

As luck would have it, BB has a brother and her mom living nearby, so she volunteered to drive four states to the left and meet Mondo. He took a day off and waited for her.

It was after eleven pm when a Chevy Suburban pulled into Mondo's driveway, and kids started pouring out in all directions. BB decided to bring her daughter Trashisha, and her daughter's three kids, all from different fathers, the last one apparently hoping to get his green card via inseminating Trashisha. Last but not least, hobbling up to the door on crutches, BB smiled and looked just like a little round happy face on a red ripe tomato. Sometime between when the photos were taken and she got out of the car in front of Mondo's place, BB had put on 80 pounds.
But what did that matter? They are soul mates.

They rushed the house, the kids promptly found anything edible and devoured it like locusts, and then BB asked Mondo if he could drive Trashisha and the kids over to her brother's place, because the Suburban was out of gas and she didn't have any money to buy more.

By the time they were ready to leave, it was long past midnight. Mondo loaded the tribe into his Tercel, and off they went in search of BB's brother's trailer. BB couldn't fit into the Tercel, so she stayed behind.

"How long you been a member of the site?" Trashisha asked Mondo.

"Too long."

"It's a pretty good site. I was using it for a while, but the last guy I went out with just wanted to rub my belly because I was eight months pregnant. He was a weirdo."

Mondo dropped the tribe off at Brother's doublewide, stopped at a bar along the way for several shots and beer chasers, then went back to his Tomato.

When the Tomato said she used to be an entertainer, she meant stripper, and when she said she was out on disability, she meant for the last four years. But Mondo didn't care, he just wanted to pass out. So he hid his wallet and keys and eased back onto the couch.

Mondo woke up in his own bed, naked, with the Tomato smiling down at him. He had a hangover.

"You were great last night," said the Tomato.

"Did I use a condom?" Mondo sat upright with a look of concern on his face.

"We were in too much of a hurry, but don't worry, I've had my tubes tied."

That's not what Mondo was worrying about, so he got out of bed and ran into the bathroom, where he drenched his genitals with Listerine. He decided to take a couple of the vicodin he had left over from his last bout of back pain, and what do you know, there were exactly a couple left, despite the bottle being about half full the day previous.

As the fog between his ears slowly lifted, Mondo realized there was an annoying buzz in the background, "Moving back here..., don't know where we'll stay..., need to get a fresh start..., getting a settlement soon..., You are wonderful..., really big place for just one person..., I'm walking better now, just a matter of time...."

Mondo went to work. He didn't sell anything. Walking hurts after you soak your genitals in mouthwash, so he was unusually subdued.

When he returned home, the Tomato was still there. It had eaten everything and wanted to go out for more food. Mondo said he was tired and just wanted to stay in and watch a movie. That was fine too with the Tomato. Anything was fine with the Tomato. The Tomato was remarkably easy to get along with.

Since they were going to be there all night, Trashisha came by and dropped her kids off then headed north towards the bright lights and bar scene downtown.

All of the children were at least two days from their last bath, and three days from putting on clean clothes. Pedrito, the baby, needed his diaper changed. Trashisha decided the best place to change the diaper was on the floor in front of Mondo while he tried to watch television and tune the horror out. The middle child was a boy with a very long raggedy mullet. Mondo suggested that maybe they could post a photo on one of the websites dedicated to photos of mullets.

Trashisha left and the children proceeded to break anything that could be broken. Mondo sat in his favorite chair and slowly drank himself into a stupor. The buzzing sound coming out of the tomato became hypnotic in it's ability to put Mondo into a deep deep trance. It was if he didn't want to be there, so he was somewhere else, riding his motorcycle against the wind across the vast Argentine pampa.

About 4 AM, Mondo woke to a loud pounding on the door. He went to answer it and found Trashisha drunk, with her nose broken and a taxi in the driveway waiting to get paid. Mondo handed Trashisha a twenty, and didn't get any change back.

Trashisha had gotten into a fight with a girl in the parking lot of the bar Mondo likes to go to the most, then the girlfriend's boyfriend had punched Trashisha in the nose, breaking it. Trashisha wanted to know if Mondo had a gun she could borrow, and another twenty to take her back to the bar.

Mondo slept that night with one eye open, woke bright and early the next morning, gave the Tomato gas money back to whatever hellhole she surfaced from, and told the lot of them he was moving to South America in two days.

Star Does the CSB

To celebrate Beans' birthday, Star and the CSB took her to one of the local bars, and got themselves good and drunk. Beans had to meet another friend, but Star and the CSB were too hammered to follow her, so they sat on the curb and called the Rhino to come and get them. When the Rhino got there, they were gone. Somehow Star got the CSB into his car and drove her home. Once there he stayed for three hours.

The next morning at work the CSB said, "I never realized what a good salesman Star is."

Both denied anything had occured between them, except that the CSB showed Star all the ribbons the Poodle won in agility and about a thousand and a half photos of the Poodle.

Star told his friend who works at the deli managed by fat Friar Tuck's fat future wife that he had sex with the CSB. Star wants the CSB to take him out for his 24th birthday.

This guy should work at the Lazy K

The Poodle Chews It

This afternoon the Rhino walked out of the back office carrying the Poodle and a jar of peanut butter.

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