How We Met

One day, as I was traveling with my herd on my family's property, we heard a low whale-like sound. We couldn't figure out where it was coming from. We jumped onto the ATVs and started to investigate. About 2 miles into the property, we came upon a large Rhino. She was about 3,000 pounds of the most beautiful tan hide I had ever seen! She was laying on her side with gigantic tears pouring from her large brown cow eyes. It took 5 minutes to walk around her to figure out what the problem was. Papa Moose just shook his head and said that he'd have to shoot her to put her out of her misery. She had a large branch through the side of her leg. I couldn't just let this exquisite creature die like that. Papa said that there is no way an animal of this size could survive even after surgery. Her short stumpy leg would never be able to hold up her big huge ass. I told him that I wanted to try. My herd and I attached a winch to the tree branch and proceeded to pry it out of her fleshy calf. We finally got her off the property to where a semi-truck waited to take her to the nearest trauma hospital. I wasn't able to help out on my family's farm since I wanted to take care of my gorgeous Rhino with the huge teats. I worked at the Lazy K for a short time to make ends meet while the Rhino was laid up eating everything in sight. During employment at the Lazy K, my main job was to grovel at the feet of the CSB. If the CSB wanted food, I went and got it. If the CSB wanted to laugh, I would make funny faces while she took pictures. If the CSB wanted pain patches and tampons, I trotted to it. The CSB found out that the Rhino was a walking pharmacy after her accident. CSB tried to convince me to steal some of the Rhino's pain pills. I agreed to bring her Oxycontin. I didn't want the Rhino taking those Oxy's because I had seen the damage they could do. Everything was going good until the prescription ran out. The CSB was extremely upset when I told her that there were no more pills to be stolen. The CSB told me to take Bayer aspirin, scratch off the writing on the pill, and switch them with the Percocets that the Rhino was taking. I told the CSB that I wasn't real comfortable with that because the Rhino needed them for the pain after her physical therapy. The CSB was irate with me and expressed how she didn't need my help any longer.

Slip and Fall

A woman's fall in a puddle of dog urine has resulted in a lawsuit against the Lazy K.
June Beaver slipped in the urine at the Lazy K on April 2, 2006, according to the lawsuit, filed by Beaver and her husband, Ward, in Chaos County District Court earlier this month.
Beaver claims that she was seriously injured in the fall.
The lawsuit alleges that the Lazy K's negligence led to Beaver's fall, but it does not specifically say how the store was negligent.
The Homeless Guy, a Lazy K spokesman, decline comment saying he hadn't seen the lawsuit.The lawsuit claims that Beaver suffered serious neck and upper back injuries in the fall and has undergone several surgeries and is unable to work.

The Rats are Leaving the Ship

First it was the Tour Guide, who left to give a guided tour of better places to work and ended up in one, then the Rhino, who left for the doctor's office and never came back, and now Baby Hitler has jumped ship. Tits Ahoy has left the building. Nobody's seen Paco for a few days either.

Everybody's finally had enough of the Crazy Screaming Bitch.

Guess who's next.

I know, but I'm not telling.

Riding Ms. Crazy

They always go for the fat ones.

At the Lazy K out east, there is a group of buyers that have switched from riding Shrads (spelled SRAD) to riding Busas. They pay cash, need the total out the door to be under $10,000, and put the title in their baby mama name, or a white strippers, o they gramma.

Then they chrome the shit out of the bike, paint it some God awful color only a colored fellow could love, put on a faux leopard skin seat, lower it, put dumbass lights everywhere and extend the swingarm, so they don't have to reach so far to drag they feet while they going through intersections.

One of the best repeat customers when he's out is Inky, who put a bra on the tank of his Busa so his bling don't scratch it, and like to drag his Nikes while he ride. Inky like the Fat Sneaky Bitch. Almost as much as he likes Sean John apparel and not taking the price tag off his baseball caps.

And the rock she worships told the FSB that Inky is her soulmate, and they will be together forever after the Ol Battleax figures out how she can divorce the Homeless Guy and leave him penniless and without a job.

But why wait? Recently, one of the salespeople found the FSB and Inky making out in the break room at the Lazy K out east. He was all up in that, they was french kissing and he was steaming her rolls. She was sweating and sounding crazier than she does when she talks back to the magic rock.

Inky gonna be a fine stepfather figure and roll model for the result of the FSB's copulating with the Homeless Guy. He can teach little dude all 'bout the metric system as it pertains to weights and measures and selling illicit substances. And he will be hooking up his dudes with Busas for less than $10G out the door, and register them in his other baby mama name.

Talk about things gonna start to disappear around the Lazy K. The FSB would be better off if she could marry the damn rock.

My First Day

My first day at the Lazy K...

I assumed I would have some training, but that didn't happen. I was told to go talk to people. And if I found someone that wants to buy a bike, just find one of the finance people and they'll show me what to do next. I never even got introduced to any of my co-workers on my first day.

A couple came in for a sport bike. I knew very little about the motorcycles but managed to bullshit my way through it. The only thing that came to mind was a friend of mine once had a motorcycle called a Kanotuna and he really liked it, so why not show them that bike.

"My friends got this bike and he really likes it. I think this is just what you want," I said.

I lead them to the bikes. There were two identical Katanas side by side. One said 600 and the other 750. They wanted to know what the difference was.

"Um..., the 750 is better if you are going to have a passenger," was what came to mind and sounded good.

One thing that was working in my favor was that they were from Cuba or something. I couldn't fully understand him and his wife didn't speak English. She reminded me of something Mondo had dragged back from one of his international road trips and wanted to marry. She smiled a lot and every once in a while said something that sounded like what the guys who work in the kitchen where I worked before coming to the Lazy K said to each other.

They weren't completely sure what I was saying either but they wanted to buy a motorcycle. "Give me best price for this motorcycle." Mr. Rahual said, "Is discount for cash?"

Nothing was marked, so I sounded lost again, but he didn't catch it... "Um, let me find out what we're selling those for today. Give me a second I'll be right back. "

Off I went to find someone to help me find the price.

I walked into an office where a snaggletooth skank with a mustache sitting behind a desk piled full of papers was scratching at a new tatoo with one monkey paw and mining for nasal nuggets with the other, and introduced myself. She looked up from her computer, said $6999, then went back to picking her nose.

"Get them to fill it out this credit app and make a copy of his driver's license then come back, " Snaggletooth said.

The customers bought the 750, but not for the $6999.00 we discussed. After meeting Mr. Freight and Senor Prep, and telling him to sign here for $49 a month, the total came to just a little over $11,000. But he did get a free DOT approved helmet. I didn't know then that the DOT will basically approve you shaving your head and painting the top of your skull a shiny color, and tying a wok from Costco to your head will also meet their standards.

He was surprisingly happy to have his chance at the American Dream.

When it came time for him to take delivery of his new bike, it was obvious he was new to this part of the American Dream.

You would think that when a customer starts to ask questions like "what's this lever do," and "why does the motor go faster when I twist this thing," and "how do the brakes work?" he or she has no idea how to ride a motorcycle and maybe ought to have it delivered.

Not here.

Everyone wanted to see what was going to happen next. After all, he came to a motorcycle shop, so he should know how to ride a motorcycle, right?

"You're all done, Mr. Rahual. Sign here and we're all done," said the tech.

Mr. Rahual got on the motorcycle and decided to to take it for a spin around the lot before venturing out into traffic.

Once he figured out all there is to know about riding a motorcycle from listening to a bored $7 an hour employee with a suspended license who has no motorcycle endorsement, Mr. Rahual decided to show me, his wife, the set-up guy, a couple mechanics and my new boss, the Homeless Guy, his riding skills.

Dragging his feet as he made a big circle in our parking lot, Mr.Rahual stalled the bike about three times before he finally figured out what the thing you twist with your right hand was for and tore off like an 8 second bullride, lit up the back tire, took out the front of a parked ATV and stopped the bike by flying off when it hit the chain link fence. If you are going fast enough, a Katana can go a long way lying on it's side if the pavement is smooth. I think trying to hold on was probably a bad idea on his part. So were the shorts.

Holy Fucking Shit!

We all ran over to see if he was still alive.

Mr. Rahaul's leg was split wide open with his knee hanging out. You could see the bone and it didn't look happy to be out of it's protective cover. There was blood everywhere.

I called 911 and told him just to relax and stay still, and elevate his leg, the one that was bleeding profusely. While we waited for EMT to show up, the service manager came over to assure him we could fix his bike good as new.

"Just sign here and we'll get started ordering the parts."

After the ambulance took Mr. Rahual to the local hospital, the Homeless Guy told the service manager to order the front bumper for the quad he hit and add it to his bill.

The Homeless Guy told me that in the future, customers who don't know how to ride need to push their bikes across the street to take delivery. Someone could have really gotten hurt! On the Lazy K's property!!! He told me that I could help push the bike across the street and show them how to start it once we got there.

Wow what a first day! The second day was just as insane, but that's another story.