Artfully Intoxicated

Bandit stopped to take a pee during one of the events at a Dog Agility national qualification event. The CSB started screaming that she was going to have Bandit put down. She was asked to leave, then escorted out to her car by a bevy of concerned pet owners. She pulled over at a Chili's and washed down a few Vicodans with a couple of low carb Vodkas. She met a really cool group of teenagers on skateboards, and hung out with them for a while, thinking it was cool that they thought she was hot and wanted to make videos of her for Youtube, then she decided to drive home and totalled a parked car before smashing into a retaining wall.
When the owner of the wrecked car called police, The CSB asked them to classify the crash as a "minor incident" and told them she was fucking Freddie Fife of the State Highway Patrol, and that he would make their lives a living hell if they didn't let her go.
They refused and arrested The CSB, who they discovered had a penis drawn on her left cheek with a permanent marker.
The CSB was taken to the local drunk tank,  where she offered an officer a blowjob to take a breath test in her place. The officer refused, and the CSB blew a 0.210, a little over the limit.
After passing out in her car behind Chilis, The CSB woke up and attempted to drive home when she hit the parked car, according to police records.
Police arrived at the scene found a parked car had been "extensively damaged" with the bumper ripped off and the engine exposed. She was seen to be swallowing a large amount of what she claimed were super aspirin when the police pulled up.
The CSB appeared to be heavily intoxicated. She was "observed... as having drawings of penises on the left side of her face and on her left leg, apparently drawn with a black marker".
She had the words "Fuck the State Highway Patrol" written on her back and her pants were down around her ankles. 
According to police, the CSB was abusive and tried to use the fact that she's "Fucking a Colonel of the State Highway Patrol," to have officers cover-up the incident. She claimed she could have them killed by a Colombian drug gang and the CIA as well.
The CSB claims she remembers little of the night. She thinks Bandit was mixing her drinks and could have spiked them with drugs or large quantities of alcohol.