The Serious Rider

Mondo took the call. It was from a guy who wanted to know if we allow test rides.

"What do you want to ride?"

The guy was a Serious Rider. He had a list. The Serious Rider told Mondo he was preparing for the Ironbutt Rally, 11,000 miles of two wheeled intensity in 11 days, and wanted to evaluate the Honda ST1300, the Yamaha FJR1300 and the new Kawasaki Concours. He asked if we had the bikes in stock, and said he wanted to take them each out for about 100 miles, to put them through their paces. Mondo asked him to read off his list again, then said he'd go check. Mondo put the Serious Rider on hold and went back to feeding Bandit cookies covered in margarine.

After twenty minutes, the Serious Rider called back. Some idiot had left him on hold while they were checking inventory, and he wanted to complain to a supervisor. Mondo put him on hold and then got back on, pretending to be a slow talking West Virginia hillbilly with the IQ of a stick/manager. The Serious Rider went through his speech again about the Iron Butt Rally, and how important he is in the world of long distance riding, and asked again if we have the bikes in stock, because he lives far away and no dealer around him has them, especially the new Concours, and will let him ride, and somehow or another Honda has the Lazy K listed as a testride center on their website.

"I'm looking at 'em all right now," said Billy Ray, the friendly but simple minded manager, "Come on in and I'll make sure you get to ride them as long as it takes for you to make up your mind. When are you going to be buying a bike?"

"Right now I just want to ride everything, and if I think one is better than the BMW, I'll buy it from whomever gives me the best price. I will give you a chance to earn my business, but there's a local dealer I do business with, and you'd have to beat his price by a substantial sum to justify making a second trip out."

"Sounds pretty good. Why don't y'all ride them at that there place then?" asked Billy Ray, Mondo's hillbilly alter-ego.

"My local dealer doesn't have floor these models. In fact, you're the only dealership I've found that has the new Concours in stock."

That should have been a clue.

"Yep, we just got six of them. Both colors. Come on in and do y'all some ridin'."

The Serious Rider was coming from four states over, and couldn't make it in until Wednesday. Wednesday is Paco's day off.

"Y'all make sure you ask for Paco," said Billy Ray, "We'll get y'all hooked up with some test rides."

"That's not the guy who hung up on me, is he? I don't want to deal with that guy again. He's a jerk."

Wednesday morning rolls around and there's the Serious Rider waiting in the parking lot for the Lazy K to open. He has been there since 8 AM, because that's when he's sure the manager told him the Lazy K opens. So he's had two hours to peek through the windows and not see any of the bikes he's ridden his gadget laden BMW across four states to spend the entire day evaluating.

We don't stock them because they don't sell and when they do, it's to know it alls who will fly across country to save $100, because of the principal of the thing.

The Serious Rider walked through the Lazy K, purposeful, looking for the bikes he's come to ride. When he didn't see them, he approached Mondo, who was busy feeding Bandit bones and skin from a chicken he'd bought on Monday.

"Is Paco here?"

"Day off."

"I made an appointment to evaluate some models, and I don't see them here. Is there somewhere else they might be?"

"We don't do test rides."

The Serious Rider explained what an important person he is, how far he'd come, and became quite antagonistic. He told Mondo that he is the moderator of a group of very important BMW riders and that he's pretty sure the Lazy K doesn't want to get a bad reputation on the internet, especially amongst a group of riders who don't ride what we sell and are a pain in the ass to deal with when they order the wrong parts for something old they bought off a neighbor.

"You can talk to the manager. He's over there."

Mondo pointed at Star then went back to reading a Weekly World News story about Bat Boy.

The Serious Rider told Star he was pretty upset with the level of service he'd received at the Lazy K. He wanted us to pay for his gasoline and trip expenses because he'd ridden a long way after the manager told him we have the bikes in stock and he could take them out and ride the piss out of them.

"I'm the manager, and I don't know what you are talking about. We don't allow test rides, especially to people who tell us they have no intention of buying a bike from us. That would be stupid on our part, wouldn't it?"

The Serious Rider explained how serious a rider he is, and that he was going to send emails to Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki and the Better Business Bureau. He was going to post bad things about the Lazy K on the Internet. He demanded to talk to the other manager, the one with the Hillbilly accent named Paco.

Star said there was no other manager, so the Serious Rider wanted to talk to the owner.

The CSB evaluated the Serious Rider as a possible sperm donor while he rambled on about the low quality of customer service he'd received up to that point, but decided his dick was probably too small to be of much use to her. And he whines. The CSB told the Serious Rider that the test ride manager is the Poodle.

"The Poodle says that if you sign a release and wear a helmet, you can ride an ATV in the parking lot."

On his way out, the Serious Rider threatened to sue the Lazy K for the cost of his trip.

"It's good practice for the Iron Butt Rally," said Mondo.

Star said that if he figures out who told the Serious Rider he could test ride a lot of bikes, he will fire that person. He made us all sign a memo that we know the Lazy K does not allow test rides, even though the CSB let a fat guy in shorts and sandals ride a VTX1800 in the rain yesterday.

The BBB, Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki forwarded us emails from the Serious Rider stating that because of how we'd treated him at the Lazy K, the Serious Rider had bought a 2007 BMW R1200 RT-P, with a link to a website showing that he'd managed to attach every bright and shiny doodad and geegaw in all the BMW accessory catalogs combined to the damn bike. He further stated that he would never do business with the Lazy K again and was going to post negative things about the Lazy K on every website he could. And he asked Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki to reimburse him for his gas and travel expenses.

We were quite amused to learn that the final drive of the Serious Rider's perfect BMW exploded in Canada, leaving him looking at all his bright and shiny accessories twinkling cheerily in the twilight, telling him where he was and that he'd stopped moving.

We hope Bat Boy gets him.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did the "serious rider" have boyishly good looks and hi-viz 'stitch on?

Anonymous said...

Come and join us for our annual Ride and Compare in October at our Lancaster location!!! Friday Oct 6th 10a-8p, Saturday Oct 7th 10a-5p, and Sunday Oct 8th 1p-4p... Ride, Compare & Save at 2535 Lancaster-Columbus Rd (Route 33)

Max Dongo said...

Anonymous said...
Did the "serious rider" have boyishly good looks and hi-viz 'stitch on?

I think he was dressed like the bike in the Village People.

Freddie Fife said...

Anonymous said...
Come and join us for our annual Ride and Compare in October at our Lancaster location!!! Friday Oct 6th 10a-8p, Saturday Oct 7th 10a-5p, and Sunday Oct 8th 1p-4p... Ride, Compare & Save at 2535 Lancaster-Columbus Rd (Route 33)

Can I ride and compare the FSB, the CSB and the Meal Ticket?

Plan B said...

Probably, but why would you want to compare the old 2-stroke models? They smoke too much and foul easily.

Anonymous said...

All this confirms is that Mondo was a horrible employee. It also explains some of the service/sales issues during his short stint of service with the company in question. I'd like to see him run his own business, oh thats right he tried that and stole from investers and put out a D movie. So he claims. Keep up the writing Beans. Maybe you should actually be majoring in language arts because your business sense is no better than Mondos.

Brian said...

Mondo is a hero. Do it again!

Anonymous said...

After you go and ride all there junk!!come to Morse road and get the best deal and sevice to back!!!!

Anonymous said...

All are you mad now did your hero let you down..You thought Mondo was the best thing since bread and butter..You even wanted to hire him back after you found out he was the Author..You fucking hillbilly's are done..Your not going to make enough money selling atv's to get back on your feet..even if you do steal all the new sales peoples commission's....Why do you think the manufactures allowed dealers to go in all around you...You stores a a laughing stock of the industry!!!

Anonymous said...

COME RIDE AND DIE!!!BECAUSE WE NEVER TIGHTIN OUR LUGNUTS AND WE LET PEOPLE RIDE BIKES WITH AIR LEAKS SO IT KILLS THEM AND PUTS THERE PASSAGERS IN WHEELCHAIRS FOR THE REST OF THERE LIFE PLEASE COME SUPPORT A BUSSINESS WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY BUT THEMSEVES AND JUST BECAUSE WE HAD A LITTLE MONEY TO PAY THE LAWSUIT WE CAN STILL STAY IN BUSSINESS SO WE CAN KILL MORE PEOPLE.

John said...

Not allowing test rides is what kills a lot of dealerships for me. I like to be able to ride bikes that I am going to spend big money on. This guy did absolutely nothing wrong, and was treated like dirt. All he did was ask if you allowed test rides. You did seriously wrong by just not giving him the straight answer "no" then and there and be done with it. What was the point of the stunt? To show your better than "serious rider?" , if that was your mission you failed horribly.

LazyK Fanclub President said...

Anonymous said...
All this confirms is that Mondo was a horrible employee.

Mondo still works at the LazyK, he just looks different.

Anonymous said...

That's the LAZYK for you always telling people lie's!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
COME RIDE AND DIE!!!BECAUSE WE NEVER TIGHTIN OUR LUGNUTS AND WE LET PEOPLE RIDE BIKES WITH AIR LEAKS SO IT KILLS THEM AND PUTS THERE PASSAGERS IN WHEELCHAIRS FOR THE REST OF THERE LIFE PLEASE COME SUPPORT A BUSSINESS WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY BUT THEMSEVES AND JUST BECAUSE WE HAD A LITTLE MONEY TO PAY THE LAWSUIT WE CAN STILL STAY IN BUSSINESS SO WE CAN KILL MORE PEOPLE.

Can you say run-on sentence. Go to an adult education class this year.

Anonymous said...

CAN YOU SAY KILLERS

Ruprect said...

Can you say "capslock"?

Anonymous said...

Can you say read the case before you make retarded statements?

Anonymous said...

I had a dealer cancel a test ride appointment I made a week in advance with a salesman on a saturday when I had driven down with all my gear.
I bought two days later from another dealer.
Whatever the market will bear...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
COME RIDE AND DIE!!!BECAUSE WE NEVER TIGHTIN OUR LUGNUTS AND WE LET PEOPLE RIDE BIKES WITH AIR LEAKS SO IT KILLS THEM AND PUTS THERE PASSAGERS IN WHEELCHAIRS FOR THE REST OF THERE LIFE PLEASE COME SUPPORT A BUSSINESS WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY BUT THEMSEVES AND JUST BECAUSE WE HAD A LITTLE MONEY TO PAY THE LAWSUIT WE CAN STILL STAY IN BUSSINESS SO WE CAN KILL MORE PEOPLE

It was the girl's retarded boyfriend that didn't know how to ride, not the bike, that put her in a wheelchair!!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
"It was the girl's retarded boyfriend that didn't know how to ride, not the bike, that put her in a wheelchair!!"

That's not what the court said.

Enquiring Mind said...

Anonymous said...
I had a dealer cancel a test ride appointment I made a week in advance with a salesman on a saturday when I had driven down with all my gear.
I bought two days later from another dealer.
Whatever the market will bear...

What did you buy and how much did you pay for it? Be honest.

Anonymous said...

Its everyone elses fault not mine.The story of your life CSB.I guess its your parents fault your so fucked up!They never loved me all they made us do is work in this fucking store!!oh boo hoo!

Anonymous said...

That's hillarious. For someone to call up and pontificate about such things is amazing. Very unprofessional. If you want to solicit best value, then fax out RFQs to potentical dealships. Using the IBA to "muscle" a deal is something The Association frowns about (at the very least).

Anonymous said...

As an Unserious Rider, I'm looking for a dealership that not only doesn't allow test rides, but insists on delivering an unassembled bike to my home so I can assemble it myself.

I'm in search of a brand that incorporates all the bad traits into one. If I can find a motor that eats valve guides like the FJR, has the heat of the ST1300, and randomly turns rear-ends into metal bits like the BMW...I'll be interested. Do you take PayPal?

...oh, and it needs to have a big frickin' ugly single exhaust like the New Concourse too. Does Harley by chance make such a thing because I want to buy American if I can?

Thanks for the hoot Augie! ;)

Sincerely,
Definitely Not Kneebone

Anonymous said...

moto guzzui

Anonymous said...

This is the best story on this blog!!! Having worked in the industry I thank you for doing to the "serious rider" what I wish I could have done long ago.

Fake Steve Jobs said...

I just found out this whole story is fiction. Who'd have thunk it?

As somebody that often is confused with the real thing....I find incredible irony in that.