Dog Show Day

Today was dog show day, so the CSB left the store in charge of her sister, the FSB (the Fat Sneaky Bitch), also known as the Wicked Bitch of the East Side. She is normally found at the Eastside store, cheating salesmen out of deals and making life miserable for everyone who crosses her path. The FSB will actually go into a salesperson's file on his/her day off, find the credit applications that have been approved and call the client to offer them a better deal because she is the owner. Believe it or not, there is a lot of turnover at her store. Her husband used to be the guy who takes the motorcycles out of the crates and bolts the wheels on. He decided he was in love with the FSB, married her and became the store manager who hates salespeople.

Despite being a liar, thief and sneak, the FSB is extremely spiritual. So she brought her own little shrine to work, and thumb tacked it to the wall beside Paco's desk, which she decided to make her own. This shrine is a collage that features some pictures of roses, a thumb over a crystal ball, a photo of a picture she painted of a woman and a horsey that makes one ask if she has artistic preschoolers at home, and a picture of a crystal in a garden. On the reverse she drew three shamrocks and has velcroed a hand drawn picture of a life preserver. She is also a cat whisperer. On another piece of paper she has a giant round Chinese coin symbol with the words 'intergrity' (sic), 'honesty,' and three other traits she doesn't possess written in a white square in the middle. It is pretty weird.

The FSB also brought a unicycle with her and left it in the middle of the floor where salespeople would have to step over it to get to the computers.

Mondo decided to bow and make Arab ululus to the shrine when the FSB wasn't looking. It didn't help his sales very much. The FSB didn't like her shrine being worshipped in a manner she considered less than sincere, so she moved it to the Buddha's desk. He promptly went to sleep, so evidently the shrine has powers to soothe.

A customer on Divorced Dad's Day With the Kids decided the Lazy K was the best place to bring his daughters and let them run amok while he looked at ATVs and tried to pick up the FSB. The girls yelled and squealed and climbed on all the ATVs, scratching the plastic with their shoes. When Mondo had enough, he opened the big back door and told the little girls there was a clown giving away ice cream at the Big Lots across the busy street and that if they ran real fast, they might get some.

The Buddha's Skylark finally died. The entire suspension on the driver's side wore out and toward the end of it's life the car leaned to the left even when nobody was in it. So he has been riding his motorcycle to work, wondering why people shout "Hey Koolaid!" when he wears red. He posted an ad on the Internet offering to sell one of his motorcycles or trade it for a car and has gotten the usual kooks emailing him offers of $200, a couple of old vans missing motors and some handguns, or offering to make payments to him until they wreck it.

It was either the Rhino's birthday or the anniversary of the day her relatives put her in the trunk of a car and drove her from Tijuana to San Diego, which she has celebrated by two days of trying to eat her own weight in cakes and pies and donuts, making her hide even more taut and sleek. The Rhino and the Buddha are the coronary twins, and they spent the morning grazing on a pizza size cookie while discussing the latest offerings on the Food Channel. Then the Buddha had a cigarette and ate the last donut.

Daffy decided to be part of this story again. He couldn't find the keys to the back door of the service department, so he got a blowtorch and heated the padlock until it was red hot, then beat it with a hammer. The lock didn't open. He heated it again, and beat it even harder. Nothing doing. So Daffy went back and looked around again, and found the keys. He went back and grabbed the lock to open it. Daffy has third degree burns and "MASTER" branded into his palm.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Whats your # I have a gsxr in need of attention :-0
Thanks
Tom

Divine-Buzzard said...

your character names are excellent! your descriptions of these experiences are quite vivid, i like the way you write. well at least with csb as a boss you never have a boring day at work.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you have to deal w/ all this BS. I thought working for a well known local blood bank who's always putting the appeal for blood donations was bad enough; you totally won the prize, buddy

Anonymous said...

Goddamn, this is the funniest blog, period! This dealership deserves a reality TV show...

jim burger said...

holy shit.

i would love to work there just to be able to come home and tell stories of the day to my compatriots. keep your chin up and great job on the writing.

~jim

Anonymous said...

awesome as always

Anonymous said...

I dont got know how I got to this web site but you are truely gifted and this is the funniest shit I have ever read needed a good laugh and i got one,

Brad O'Brien said...

This is goddam hilarious!

I love it. I can only hope it's fact and not fiction as that would really (though sad for you) make it that much more amusing!

Anonymous said...

Thanks...I know when my days suck I can come here and laugh my ass off, which is just what I needed :) Keep it up!!!

Anonymous said...

obviously you won't post this as a comment (because you only want the comments posted that patronize you), but you seriously need to be locked away in an asylum if this is what you spend your days doing. you obviously got burned and are still obsessed with whoever this CSB is, you stupid fucking idiot. get a life, loser.

Lester said...

I didn't get burned, I quit, you dumbass.

Anonymous said...

BUT YOU STILL WANT ME BAD!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!