Last Friday, the FSB came into the LazyK and hung seven dreamcatchers she bought at the Dollar Store in various places throughout the store. Today, she came back and instructed Star to remove one and move another one 27 millimeters to the right.
The FSB instructed Star to handle the Dollar Store dreamcatchers with latex gloves so his essential oils wouldn't cloud their ability to cleanse the space and activate success energy in the employees, and place the non-operational dreamcatcher into a Fed-Ex envelope that she had drawn sacred symbols on with a Sharpie.
Apparently the spirit world is on the metric system.
Artfully Intoxicated
Bandit stopped to take a pee during one of the events at a Dog Agility national qualification event. The CSB started screaming that she was going to have Bandit put down. She was asked to leave, then escorted out to her car by a bevy of concerned pet owners. She pulled over at a Chili's and washed down a few Vicodans with a couple of low carb Vodkas. She met a really cool group of teenagers on skateboards, and hung out with them for a while, thinking it was cool that they thought she was hot and wanted to make videos of her for Youtube, then she decided to drive home and totalled a parked car before smashing into a retaining wall.
When the owner of the wrecked car called police, The CSB asked them to classify the crash as a "minor incident" and told them she was fucking Freddie Fife of the State Highway Patrol, and that he would make their lives a living hell if they didn't let her go.
They refused and arrested The CSB, who they discovered had a penis drawn on her left cheek with a permanent marker.
The CSB was taken to the local drunk tank, where she offered an officer a blowjob to take a breath test in her place. The officer refused, and the CSB blew a 0.210, a little over the limit.
After passing out in her car behind Chilis, The CSB woke up and attempted to drive home when she hit the parked car, according to police records.
Police arrived at the scene found a parked car had been "extensively damaged" with the bumper ripped off and the engine exposed. She was seen to be swallowing a large amount of what she claimed were super aspirin when the police pulled up.
The CSB appeared to be heavily intoxicated. She was "observed... as having drawings of penises on the left side of her face and on her left leg, apparently drawn with a black marker".
She had the words "Fuck the State Highway Patrol" written on her back and her pants were down around her ankles.
According to police, the CSB was abusive and tried to use the fact that she's "Fucking a Colonel of the State Highway Patrol," to have officers cover-up the incident. She claimed she could have them killed by a Colombian drug gang and the CIA as well.
The CSB claims she remembers little of the night. She thinks Bandit was mixing her drinks and could have spiked them with drugs or large quantities of alcohol.
Donuts
The CSB went to a seminar one of the local newspapers put on this morning at a local hotel. The seminar was about how to effectively advertise in this economy. The best idea the person who gave the seminar had was to advertise in the local newspaper. The CSB fell asleep and missed most of the seminar. On the way out of the conference room, the CSB stole a dozen donuts that were there for the guests. By the time she got here and stumbled out of her SUV, only seven remained.
"Who wants a donut?" she asked, and tried to place them on the counter.
The CSB was a bit unsteady and the box slipped from her grasp and the donuts fell out and onto the floor. Bandit grabbed a donut and ran off.
"Someone grab that fucking dog and take the donut away from her," screamed the CSB, "Damn dog tripped me."
She floundered around picking up donuts, putting them back in the box. There was icing on the floor where donuts landed face down. When the CSB had most of the donuts back in the box, she placed it on the counter and then told the Meal Ticket to go tell the service department guys that there are donuts, if anyone wants one.
"Who wants a donut?" she asked, and tried to place them on the counter.
The CSB was a bit unsteady and the box slipped from her grasp and the donuts fell out and onto the floor. Bandit grabbed a donut and ran off.
"Someone grab that fucking dog and take the donut away from her," screamed the CSB, "Damn dog tripped me."
She floundered around picking up donuts, putting them back in the box. There was icing on the floor where donuts landed face down. When the CSB had most of the donuts back in the box, she placed it on the counter and then told the Meal Ticket to go tell the service department guys that there are donuts, if anyone wants one.
Leaving On A Good Note
Little Wigger has had enough. Enough of the CSB and enough of the crazy idiots that want something for nothing. One of them called and wanted to buy a 4 wheel drive Yamaha Grizzly ATV with fuel injection and power steering for $5000, even though it lists for $8999. The guy was calling from a state and a half over, and made Little Wigger call him back so he wouldn't have to pay for the call. Little Wigger listened to the guy talk about what a great deal he had worked out with a dealer five and three quarters states over, and if Little Wigger matched the other dealer's imaginary price, which no other dealer in the Eastern United States had offered to, it would work out better for the cheapskate, because he could have a friend pick the ATV up and deliver it to him, instead of driving the 1084 miles roundtrip, according to mapquest, to get it from the only dealer in the continental US to offer him such a deal. Besides, the mooch said the other dealer sounded a little snakey when he asked for the guy to put the offer in writing and fax it to him.
Little Wigger thought about it for a while, and decided this had all the makings of a great final sale. He explained to the mooch that the reason dealers who sell things really cheap can't put it in writing and fax it is that they get in a lot of trouble with yamaha. So Little Wigger told the guy that what we do instead is record the purchase, and that works even better. He put the guy on speaker phone and kept telling the guy that the microphone wasn't picking up his voice, so the guy was screaming in the phone that he wanted a Grizzly ATV with power steering for %5000 out the door.
Got it, said Little Wigger, picking up the phone just as the dogs were barking at the noise. He hoped they wouldn't lure the CSB out of her daily drug induced stupor in the back room.
The mooch sent his friend in with $5000 cash to buy the Grizzly of his dreams. Unfortunately, his friend didn't know much about ATVs, so Little Wigger sold him a left over 2006 2 wheel drive Grizzly 350 that we marked down to $3500. He pocketed the difference, helped the friend load the ATV into his pickup, then got into his car and went to lunch.
That was a week ago. Little Wigger hasn't been back and the guy who bought the ATV is not very happy that we won't take it back and give him a refund. He keeps screaming that we need to listen to the recording and we will see what he really wanted.
Little Wigger thought about it for a while, and decided this had all the makings of a great final sale. He explained to the mooch that the reason dealers who sell things really cheap can't put it in writing and fax it is that they get in a lot of trouble with yamaha. So Little Wigger told the guy that what we do instead is record the purchase, and that works even better. He put the guy on speaker phone and kept telling the guy that the microphone wasn't picking up his voice, so the guy was screaming in the phone that he wanted a Grizzly ATV with power steering for %5000 out the door.
Got it, said Little Wigger, picking up the phone just as the dogs were barking at the noise. He hoped they wouldn't lure the CSB out of her daily drug induced stupor in the back room.
The mooch sent his friend in with $5000 cash to buy the Grizzly of his dreams. Unfortunately, his friend didn't know much about ATVs, so Little Wigger sold him a left over 2006 2 wheel drive Grizzly 350 that we marked down to $3500. He pocketed the difference, helped the friend load the ATV into his pickup, then got into his car and went to lunch.
That was a week ago. Little Wigger hasn't been back and the guy who bought the ATV is not very happy that we won't take it back and give him a refund. He keeps screaming that we need to listen to the recording and we will see what he really wanted.
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