Did anyone else get a call from the CSB last night? She was fine until about 4:00, then she started drooling and reading the blog at work.
So the CSB can't spell worth a damn, but she has learned how to turn off the caps key.
Then she called the Rhino and told her the health insurance is better, and that business is better than ever, and asked her to come back to work. Life for the CSB has been pretty lonely since the Rhino left. There is nobody to share dick pics from craigslist with or cover for the CSB when she takes her 3 hour lunches at the White Swallow buffet. The Meal Ticket is nice, if a little dumb, and absent of personality, and the new fat girl just sits and does nothing. It sucks to be without a paid friend.
Then the CSB called Beans. Beans thought it was one of those calls recovering addicts make to apologize for everything they've done, because of how nice the CSB was to the Rhino.
But the CSB tore into Beans, and told her what an awful person she is for starting the blog.
Then the CSB called a person of interest that she feels bears responsibility for the blog and asked him to "call a truce and give the blog a rest."
The CSB alleges she hasn't read the blog for four months and is having the best year she's ever had. Business is so good that the Lazy K is moving into another hole in the wall. But the CSB is mad because her photo, address, phone number and social security number are on the blog. She is sure she saw it there somewhere. She was completely fucked up and on her way to Freddie Fife's house.
About two hours later, more comments appeared on the blog. They were well spelled, but exhibiting the usual absense from reality.
Does Freddie help the CSB make comments after he fucks her, to shut her up, or before, so she'll shut the fuck up and spread her chubby little thighs?
And why is a veteran law enforcement official associating with a drug addict anyway? Maybe a story about a true incident where Stuper Trooper Fife tried to get a woman to leave her date and go out with him might be in order. He's all class, that Fife.
Showing posts with label moron. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moron. Show all posts
Floaters
A guy decided to sell the Waverunner he bought at the Lazy K. He wanted to buy a boat. He told the buyer that the speedometer was broken, so he'll take it to the Lazy K and get it fixed under warranty. He took a deposit on the waverunner and took it in to be fixed. The Homeless Guy told the seller it would take about a week.
Three weeks went by, without a word from the Lazy K. The seller called and was told his Waverunner was taken to the mother ship, because that's where Fearless Leader has assembled the topnotch crew of Waverunner repairmen.
The buyer wanted to back out and get his deposit back. The seller said he'd go get the waverunner and drive it up to Detroit, quite a distance from the Lazy K, in order to make the buyer happy.
The Seller drove to the Mother Ship and got his waverunner, then drove to Detroit. The Buyer was happy until they tried to transfer the waverunner to the buyer's trailer. The whole bottom of the Waverunner was busted out. The nozzle was hanging off the bottom of the boat. It looked like the Waverunner had been dropped from about 10 feet in the air.
The seller called the Homeless Guy to bitch about the Lazy K destroying his Waverunner and was told that he should have inspected the bottom of the boat before he left, and that it could have been dropped anytime. So of course the Lazy K is not responsible.
The Homeless guy did the buyer a favor though by selling him the last old Yamaha boat we had marked down to $14,999 for $22,000.
I wonder if the speedometer works.
Three weeks went by, without a word from the Lazy K. The seller called and was told his Waverunner was taken to the mother ship, because that's where Fearless Leader has assembled the topnotch crew of Waverunner repairmen.
The buyer wanted to back out and get his deposit back. The seller said he'd go get the waverunner and drive it up to Detroit, quite a distance from the Lazy K, in order to make the buyer happy.
The Seller drove to the Mother Ship and got his waverunner, then drove to Detroit. The Buyer was happy until they tried to transfer the waverunner to the buyer's trailer. The whole bottom of the Waverunner was busted out. The nozzle was hanging off the bottom of the boat. It looked like the Waverunner had been dropped from about 10 feet in the air.
The seller called the Homeless Guy to bitch about the Lazy K destroying his Waverunner and was told that he should have inspected the bottom of the boat before he left, and that it could have been dropped anytime. So of course the Lazy K is not responsible.
The Homeless guy did the buyer a favor though by selling him the last old Yamaha boat we had marked down to $14,999 for $22,000.
I wonder if the speedometer works.
Weavepoles
The CSB has been rather distraught lately. Freddie is showing all the too familiar signs of wanting to escape as he has come to realize he is just another nice guy who met a crazy on myspace.
To the CSB, their relationship has an all too familiar refrain, as he tries to pull away without provoking her into a pschotic episode then realizes at the end that that doesn't matter, what matters is putting some distance between himself and this fucking nutcase. This is twisting the CSB even tighter, because she doesn't understand how someone can go from "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you," on myspace before you've even met each other to "I don't need the drama," and telling his friends at work the CSB would benefit from longterm psychiatric care.
In deference to the CSB, Freddie has stuck around long after realizing she is still involved with Mr. Pill, and several "ex" boyfriends, fuckbuddies, guys she meets at motorcycle events and fucks, guys at the Lazy K she blows for drugs, the only straight guy in dog agility, and guys with dick pics on craigslist. So the CSB may be justified in feeling like Freddie led her on.
The CSB is so distraught over the thought of being alone once again that she didn't even fire the parts guy who refused to mow her lawn, saying it wasn't part of his job description. She did make him repair the weavepoles Weavepole Dave made, and thought, "maybe I'll call Weavepole Dave. I wonder what he's up to."
Weavepole Dave is still up to thinking the CSB is someone to be avoided.
Needless to say, Mr. Pill has been helping the CSB get through this crisis.
Last night, one of the technicians saw the CSB wandering down the freeway at about 45 miles an hour, cross two lanes and ride the shoulder down the exit ramp, run a red light and come to a stop in the middle of the road then back up onto the freeway again because she got lost on the way home and taken the wrong exit.
Ealy on, when things were wonderful and she was the hottest woman he'd ever met in his life, Freddie and the CSB talked at length about getting a Russian Terrier together.
Can you imagine how fucked up that mutt would be?
To the CSB, their relationship has an all too familiar refrain, as he tries to pull away without provoking her into a pschotic episode then realizes at the end that that doesn't matter, what matters is putting some distance between himself and this fucking nutcase. This is twisting the CSB even tighter, because she doesn't understand how someone can go from "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you," on myspace before you've even met each other to "I don't need the drama," and telling his friends at work the CSB would benefit from longterm psychiatric care.
In deference to the CSB, Freddie has stuck around long after realizing she is still involved with Mr. Pill, and several "ex" boyfriends, fuckbuddies, guys she meets at motorcycle events and fucks, guys at the Lazy K she blows for drugs, the only straight guy in dog agility, and guys with dick pics on craigslist. So the CSB may be justified in feeling like Freddie led her on.
The CSB is so distraught over the thought of being alone once again that she didn't even fire the parts guy who refused to mow her lawn, saying it wasn't part of his job description. She did make him repair the weavepoles Weavepole Dave made, and thought, "maybe I'll call Weavepole Dave. I wonder what he's up to."
Weavepole Dave is still up to thinking the CSB is someone to be avoided.
Needless to say, Mr. Pill has been helping the CSB get through this crisis.
Last night, one of the technicians saw the CSB wandering down the freeway at about 45 miles an hour, cross two lanes and ride the shoulder down the exit ramp, run a red light and come to a stop in the middle of the road then back up onto the freeway again because she got lost on the way home and taken the wrong exit.
Ealy on, when things were wonderful and she was the hottest woman he'd ever met in his life, Freddie and the CSB talked at length about getting a Russian Terrier together.
Can you imagine how fucked up that mutt would be?
The Serious Rider
Mondo took the call. It was from a guy who wanted to know if we allow test rides.
"What do you want to ride?"
The guy was a Serious Rider. He had a list. The Serious Rider told Mondo he was preparing for the Ironbutt Rally, 11,000 miles of two wheeled intensity in 11 days, and wanted to evaluate the Honda ST1300, the Yamaha FJR1300 and the new Kawasaki Concours. He asked if we had the bikes in stock, and said he wanted to take them each out for about 100 miles, to put them through their paces. Mondo asked him to read off his list again, then said he'd go check. Mondo put the Serious Rider on hold and went back to feeding Bandit cookies covered in margarine.
After twenty minutes, the Serious Rider called back. Some idiot had left him on hold while they were checking inventory, and he wanted to complain to a supervisor. Mondo put him on hold and then got back on, pretending to be a slow talking West Virginia hillbilly with the IQ of a stick/manager. The Serious Rider went through his speech again about the Iron Butt Rally, and how important he is in the world of long distance riding, and asked again if we have the bikes in stock, because he lives far away and no dealer around him has them, especially the new Concours, and will let him ride, and somehow or another Honda has the Lazy K listed as a testride center on their website.
"I'm looking at 'em all right now," said Billy Ray, the friendly but simple minded manager, "Come on in and I'll make sure you get to ride them as long as it takes for you to make up your mind. When are you going to be buying a bike?"
"Right now I just want to ride everything, and if I think one is better than the BMW, I'll buy it from whomever gives me the best price. I will give you a chance to earn my business, but there's a local dealer I do business with, and you'd have to beat his price by a substantial sum to justify making a second trip out."
"Sounds pretty good. Why don't y'all ride them at that there place then?" asked Billy Ray, Mondo's hillbilly alter-ego.
"My local dealer doesn't have floor these models. In fact, you're the only dealership I've found that has the new Concours in stock."
That should have been a clue.
"Yep, we just got six of them. Both colors. Come on in and do y'all some ridin'."
The Serious Rider was coming from four states over, and couldn't make it in until Wednesday. Wednesday is Paco's day off.
"Y'all make sure you ask for Paco," said Billy Ray, "We'll get y'all hooked up with some test rides."
"That's not the guy who hung up on me, is he? I don't want to deal with that guy again. He's a jerk."
Wednesday morning rolls around and there's the Serious Rider waiting in the parking lot for the Lazy K to open. He has been there since 8 AM, because that's when he's sure the manager told him the Lazy K opens. So he's had two hours to peek through the windows and not see any of the bikes he's ridden his gadget laden BMW across four states to spend the entire day evaluating.
We don't stock them because they don't sell and when they do, it's to know it alls who will fly across country to save $100, because of the principal of the thing.
The Serious Rider walked through the Lazy K, purposeful, looking for the bikes he's come to ride. When he didn't see them, he approached Mondo, who was busy feeding Bandit bones and skin from a chicken he'd bought on Monday.
"Is Paco here?"
"Day off."
"I made an appointment to evaluate some models, and I don't see them here. Is there somewhere else they might be?"
"We don't do test rides."
The Serious Rider explained what an important person he is, how far he'd come, and became quite antagonistic. He told Mondo that he is the moderator of a group of very important BMW riders and that he's pretty sure the Lazy K doesn't want to get a bad reputation on the internet, especially amongst a group of riders who don't ride what we sell and are a pain in the ass to deal with when they order the wrong parts for something old they bought off a neighbor.
"You can talk to the manager. He's over there."
Mondo pointed at Star then went back to reading a Weekly World News story about Bat Boy.
The Serious Rider told Star he was pretty upset with the level of service he'd received at the Lazy K. He wanted us to pay for his gasoline and trip expenses because he'd ridden a long way after the manager told him we have the bikes in stock and he could take them out and ride the piss out of them.
"I'm the manager, and I don't know what you are talking about. We don't allow test rides, especially to people who tell us they have no intention of buying a bike from us. That would be stupid on our part, wouldn't it?"
The Serious Rider explained how serious a rider he is, and that he was going to send emails to Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki and the Better Business Bureau. He was going to post bad things about the Lazy K on the Internet. He demanded to talk to the other manager, the one with the Hillbilly accent named Paco.
Star said there was no other manager, so the Serious Rider wanted to talk to the owner.
The CSB evaluated the Serious Rider as a possible sperm donor while he rambled on about the low quality of customer service he'd received up to that point, but decided his dick was probably too small to be of much use to her. And he whines. The CSB told the Serious Rider that the test ride manager is the Poodle.
"The Poodle says that if you sign a release and wear a helmet, you can ride an ATV in the parking lot."
On his way out, the Serious Rider threatened to sue the Lazy K for the cost of his trip.
"It's good practice for the Iron Butt Rally," said Mondo.
Star said that if he figures out who told the Serious Rider he could test ride a lot of bikes, he will fire that person. He made us all sign a memo that we know the Lazy K does not allow test rides, even though the CSB let a fat guy in shorts and sandals ride a VTX1800 in the rain yesterday.
The BBB, Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki forwarded us emails from the Serious Rider stating that because of how we'd treated him at the Lazy K, the Serious Rider had bought a 2007 BMW R1200 RT-P, with a link to a website showing that he'd managed to attach every bright and shiny doodad and geegaw in all the BMW accessory catalogs combined to the damn bike. He further stated that he would never do business with the Lazy K again and was going to post negative things about the Lazy K on every website he could. And he asked Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki to reimburse him for his gas and travel expenses.
We were quite amused to learn that the final drive of the Serious Rider's perfect BMW exploded in Canada, leaving him looking at all his bright and shiny accessories twinkling cheerily in the twilight, telling him where he was and that he'd stopped moving.
We hope Bat Boy gets him.
"What do you want to ride?"
The guy was a Serious Rider. He had a list. The Serious Rider told Mondo he was preparing for the Ironbutt Rally, 11,000 miles of two wheeled intensity in 11 days, and wanted to evaluate the Honda ST1300, the Yamaha FJR1300 and the new Kawasaki Concours. He asked if we had the bikes in stock, and said he wanted to take them each out for about 100 miles, to put them through their paces. Mondo asked him to read off his list again, then said he'd go check. Mondo put the Serious Rider on hold and went back to feeding Bandit cookies covered in margarine.
After twenty minutes, the Serious Rider called back. Some idiot had left him on hold while they were checking inventory, and he wanted to complain to a supervisor. Mondo put him on hold and then got back on, pretending to be a slow talking West Virginia hillbilly with the IQ of a stick/manager. The Serious Rider went through his speech again about the Iron Butt Rally, and how important he is in the world of long distance riding, and asked again if we have the bikes in stock, because he lives far away and no dealer around him has them, especially the new Concours, and will let him ride, and somehow or another Honda has the Lazy K listed as a testride center on their website.
"I'm looking at 'em all right now," said Billy Ray, the friendly but simple minded manager, "Come on in and I'll make sure you get to ride them as long as it takes for you to make up your mind. When are you going to be buying a bike?"
"Right now I just want to ride everything, and if I think one is better than the BMW, I'll buy it from whomever gives me the best price. I will give you a chance to earn my business, but there's a local dealer I do business with, and you'd have to beat his price by a substantial sum to justify making a second trip out."
"Sounds pretty good. Why don't y'all ride them at that there place then?" asked Billy Ray, Mondo's hillbilly alter-ego.
"My local dealer doesn't have floor these models. In fact, you're the only dealership I've found that has the new Concours in stock."
That should have been a clue.
"Yep, we just got six of them. Both colors. Come on in and do y'all some ridin'."
The Serious Rider was coming from four states over, and couldn't make it in until Wednesday. Wednesday is Paco's day off.
"Y'all make sure you ask for Paco," said Billy Ray, "We'll get y'all hooked up with some test rides."
"That's not the guy who hung up on me, is he? I don't want to deal with that guy again. He's a jerk."
Wednesday morning rolls around and there's the Serious Rider waiting in the parking lot for the Lazy K to open. He has been there since 8 AM, because that's when he's sure the manager told him the Lazy K opens. So he's had two hours to peek through the windows and not see any of the bikes he's ridden his gadget laden BMW across four states to spend the entire day evaluating.
We don't stock them because they don't sell and when they do, it's to know it alls who will fly across country to save $100, because of the principal of the thing.
The Serious Rider walked through the Lazy K, purposeful, looking for the bikes he's come to ride. When he didn't see them, he approached Mondo, who was busy feeding Bandit bones and skin from a chicken he'd bought on Monday.
"Is Paco here?"
"Day off."
"I made an appointment to evaluate some models, and I don't see them here. Is there somewhere else they might be?"
"We don't do test rides."
The Serious Rider explained what an important person he is, how far he'd come, and became quite antagonistic. He told Mondo that he is the moderator of a group of very important BMW riders and that he's pretty sure the Lazy K doesn't want to get a bad reputation on the internet, especially amongst a group of riders who don't ride what we sell and are a pain in the ass to deal with when they order the wrong parts for something old they bought off a neighbor.
"You can talk to the manager. He's over there."
Mondo pointed at Star then went back to reading a Weekly World News story about Bat Boy.
The Serious Rider told Star he was pretty upset with the level of service he'd received at the Lazy K. He wanted us to pay for his gasoline and trip expenses because he'd ridden a long way after the manager told him we have the bikes in stock and he could take them out and ride the piss out of them.
"I'm the manager, and I don't know what you are talking about. We don't allow test rides, especially to people who tell us they have no intention of buying a bike from us. That would be stupid on our part, wouldn't it?"
The Serious Rider explained how serious a rider he is, and that he was going to send emails to Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki and the Better Business Bureau. He was going to post bad things about the Lazy K on the Internet. He demanded to talk to the other manager, the one with the Hillbilly accent named Paco.
Star said there was no other manager, so the Serious Rider wanted to talk to the owner.
The CSB evaluated the Serious Rider as a possible sperm donor while he rambled on about the low quality of customer service he'd received up to that point, but decided his dick was probably too small to be of much use to her. And he whines. The CSB told the Serious Rider that the test ride manager is the Poodle.
"The Poodle says that if you sign a release and wear a helmet, you can ride an ATV in the parking lot."
On his way out, the Serious Rider threatened to sue the Lazy K for the cost of his trip.
"It's good practice for the Iron Butt Rally," said Mondo.
Star said that if he figures out who told the Serious Rider he could test ride a lot of bikes, he will fire that person. He made us all sign a memo that we know the Lazy K does not allow test rides, even though the CSB let a fat guy in shorts and sandals ride a VTX1800 in the rain yesterday.
The BBB, Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki forwarded us emails from the Serious Rider stating that because of how we'd treated him at the Lazy K, the Serious Rider had bought a 2007 BMW R1200 RT-P, with a link to a website showing that he'd managed to attach every bright and shiny doodad and geegaw in all the BMW accessory catalogs combined to the damn bike. He further stated that he would never do business with the Lazy K again and was going to post negative things about the Lazy K on every website he could. And he asked Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki to reimburse him for his gas and travel expenses.
We were quite amused to learn that the final drive of the Serious Rider's perfect BMW exploded in Canada, leaving him looking at all his bright and shiny accessories twinkling cheerily in the twilight, telling him where he was and that he'd stopped moving.
We hope Bat Boy gets him.
Don't Piss Off the Trolls
At the mother ship, where the bikes are shipped and assembled before making their ways to the respective Lazy Ks, Fearless Leader runs a tight ship. He finds trolls, little tatooed people with an assortment of facial and other piercings, unfit to be seen by the public, who can't get a job anywhere else and think working with motorcycles is cool, and pays them $7 an hour to hide in the back and unpack the motorcycles, put the wheels on, and ship them to the various Lazy Ks.
Fearless Leader is an asshole and nobody likes working for him. He is such a dick that the CSB got rid of him, the Lazy K went completely to shit, and they still won't ask him to step in and save the place again by restoring verbal beatdowns and giving the CSB another 28 day vacation.
One little troll finally had enough of Fearless Leader, so he jumped over the fence and drove the forklift into 67 crated motorcycles after work Saturday. Then he knocked over two rows of assembled bikes that were left to age in the sun and rain since last fall. The Crusty Clan spent Monday trying to figure out which little troll hates the Lazy K the most and who left the key in the forklift, so the GOB, (Greedy Old Bitch) can fire him from his $7 an hour job and make sure he never works in this industry again, and have narrowed it down to everyone who works with Fearless Leader. There are a lot of suspects, and Fearless Leader is interrogating all of them.
Old Crusty is shocked and hurt that anyone would want to harm his beloved Lazy K.
All the little trolls and most of the employees at the Mother Ship think it's pretty funny. And it's going to be a while before we get bikes again at any of the stores.
Fearless Leader is an asshole and nobody likes working for him. He is such a dick that the CSB got rid of him, the Lazy K went completely to shit, and they still won't ask him to step in and save the place again by restoring verbal beatdowns and giving the CSB another 28 day vacation.
One little troll finally had enough of Fearless Leader, so he jumped over the fence and drove the forklift into 67 crated motorcycles after work Saturday. Then he knocked over two rows of assembled bikes that were left to age in the sun and rain since last fall. The Crusty Clan spent Monday trying to figure out which little troll hates the Lazy K the most and who left the key in the forklift, so the GOB, (Greedy Old Bitch) can fire him from his $7 an hour job and make sure he never works in this industry again, and have narrowed it down to everyone who works with Fearless Leader. There are a lot of suspects, and Fearless Leader is interrogating all of them.
Old Crusty is shocked and hurt that anyone would want to harm his beloved Lazy K.
All the little trolls and most of the employees at the Mother Ship think it's pretty funny. And it's going to be a while before we get bikes again at any of the stores.
Doggie Beatdown
The CSB has been stumbling around a lot lately, on the rare day she shows up for work. When she gets to work, she has a lot of trouble coming through the double doors with both dogs barking and yapping on leashes and her 5 gallon low carb lunch bucket tucked under one arm.
This morning she tripped over Bandit, and fell on her ass.
The CSB got up, set her lunch on Paco's desk, turned the Poodle loose and dragged Bandit, dangling on her back legs, by the leash into the passout room.
There was a thud as something heavy hit a wall, then Bandit started to yelp. There was another couple of thuds, and more yelping.
Oblivious to the imaginary pain in her knee, whichever one it was, the CSB was kicking Bandit and screaming at the fucking dog to stay the fuck out of her way. She didn't want to hit Bandit with her fists, because if she does, Bandit will shy away when the CSB uses hand signals to get her to do dog agility.
Meanwhile, Friar Tuck had a loser come in and try to buy a Suzuki Bergman 400. The scooter retails for $5799, but the guy's credit was so bad he couldn't finance extra cheese on a pizza. So the loser dragged his 84 year old grandmother in, and she got approved for $12,000. After adding lots of freight, prep, and a $250 documentation fee, the scooter came to $11,997 out the door. But Gramma did get a free helmet.
Then we fed Bandit a couple soft tacos from Taco Bell somebody bought last Saturday, and she took a nice big crap back by the waverunners.
This morning she tripped over Bandit, and fell on her ass.
The CSB got up, set her lunch on Paco's desk, turned the Poodle loose and dragged Bandit, dangling on her back legs, by the leash into the passout room.
There was a thud as something heavy hit a wall, then Bandit started to yelp. There was another couple of thuds, and more yelping.
Oblivious to the imaginary pain in her knee, whichever one it was, the CSB was kicking Bandit and screaming at the fucking dog to stay the fuck out of her way. She didn't want to hit Bandit with her fists, because if she does, Bandit will shy away when the CSB uses hand signals to get her to do dog agility.
Meanwhile, Friar Tuck had a loser come in and try to buy a Suzuki Bergman 400. The scooter retails for $5799, but the guy's credit was so bad he couldn't finance extra cheese on a pizza. So the loser dragged his 84 year old grandmother in, and she got approved for $12,000. After adding lots of freight, prep, and a $250 documentation fee, the scooter came to $11,997 out the door. But Gramma did get a free helmet.
Then we fed Bandit a couple soft tacos from Taco Bell somebody bought last Saturday, and she took a nice big crap back by the waverunners.
Money Saving Ideas
At a time when everything seems to be going up, it's nice to see that something is going down. No, I'm not talking about the CSB after a long lunch with the cute new radio rep. I'm talking about the new pay program.
In the last year, the GOB, or Greedy Old Bitch, formerly the Old Battleax, has implemented several key changes to turn this company around. All of them involve taking back, mostly from the employees or the customers
Let's take a nostalgic look back, shall we?
The first thing to go was a decent healthcare plan. In the last year, it has been changed three times. Each time, it has covered less and cost more, until it cost the Buddha $800 a month for health insurance.
The second thing to go was a third week of paid vacation for the six inmates who have stuck it out for more than 5 years at the Lazy K. This must have saved the Lazy K a small fortune.
The CSB and the GOB got together and decided to raise the doc fee, what we charge for a $8 an hour employee to prepare the customer's paperwork, to $250, even though every other shop around charges about $100. So we lost a few dozen sales a month. But the Lazy K was able to save $27 in commissions on the sales we did make.
There is a charge, called a Pack, that the Lazy K pads the invoice figures with, so commissions are paid on all profit left after the pack. The GOB decided to increase the pack to $395, hoping nobody would notice. This saved up to $30 in commissions per unit, and even more when a lot of the better salespeople quit.
You would think that with all this clever cost cutting, and the $5 minimum commission we've paid since the CSB was getting radio rep's pubes stuck in her braces, the Lazy K would be swimming in money. All the other dealers in the area are doing very well.
But we're not.
So the GOB has decided to cut what's left of the commissions in half. Effective with all new hires, the Lazy K pays 8% instead of 15% and Star is going to close all the sales. He got a big book that tells him how. Star was going to let Mondo read the book, but it costs $20, and that seems like a lot for a book to Star, so he's going to make a photocopy.
Part of the plan was for Paco to close sales too, but he quit.
All the current salespeople will stay on the old pay program, and the new ones will be fucked over by the new one. Should make for an interesting workplace.
In the last year, the GOB, or Greedy Old Bitch, formerly the Old Battleax, has implemented several key changes to turn this company around. All of them involve taking back, mostly from the employees or the customers
Let's take a nostalgic look back, shall we?
The first thing to go was a decent healthcare plan. In the last year, it has been changed three times. Each time, it has covered less and cost more, until it cost the Buddha $800 a month for health insurance.
The second thing to go was a third week of paid vacation for the six inmates who have stuck it out for more than 5 years at the Lazy K. This must have saved the Lazy K a small fortune.
The CSB and the GOB got together and decided to raise the doc fee, what we charge for a $8 an hour employee to prepare the customer's paperwork, to $250, even though every other shop around charges about $100. So we lost a few dozen sales a month. But the Lazy K was able to save $27 in commissions on the sales we did make.
There is a charge, called a Pack, that the Lazy K pads the invoice figures with, so commissions are paid on all profit left after the pack. The GOB decided to increase the pack to $395, hoping nobody would notice. This saved up to $30 in commissions per unit, and even more when a lot of the better salespeople quit.
You would think that with all this clever cost cutting, and the $5 minimum commission we've paid since the CSB was getting radio rep's pubes stuck in her braces, the Lazy K would be swimming in money. All the other dealers in the area are doing very well.
But we're not.
So the GOB has decided to cut what's left of the commissions in half. Effective with all new hires, the Lazy K pays 8% instead of 15% and Star is going to close all the sales. He got a big book that tells him how. Star was going to let Mondo read the book, but it costs $20, and that seems like a lot for a book to Star, so he's going to make a photocopy.
Part of the plan was for Paco to close sales too, but he quit.
All the current salespeople will stay on the old pay program, and the new ones will be fucked over by the new one. Should make for an interesting workplace.
Adios
Paco has left the building.
Today is his last day at the Lazy K.
He's off to sell Big Dog Choppers, and even though the chopper market is down considerably and more guys have been through that store than between the CSB's legs, which is saying something, Paco believes he will lead a more peaceful existence, and work with competent people again. After a few months at the Lazy K, you forget what that feels like.
Goodbye Paco, we wish you luck.
Today is his last day at the Lazy K.
He's off to sell Big Dog Choppers, and even though the chopper market is down considerably and more guys have been through that store than between the CSB's legs, which is saying something, Paco believes he will lead a more peaceful existence, and work with competent people again. After a few months at the Lazy K, you forget what that feels like.
Goodbye Paco, we wish you luck.
You Have Our Gratitude
Honda dropped in for a visit. Star says they want to pull our franchise because we don't sell many Hondas, and we break the ones we do sell when they come in for service, as well as the ones that we didn't sell that come in for service.
Fortunately, this wasn't a surprise visit, so we had a week to change out all the burned out light bulbs, about a third of them, and turn the passout room in back into an office where Star and the Meal Ticket can go have fights when he doesn't do what she tells him. Since the CSB has been staying away from the Lazy K, the Meal Ticket has stepped in and become the quasi-underpaid office manager. She likes the job because it allows her to make sure Star is not fucking the CSB anymore, and she can bring her coloring books and crayons to work and sit at the front counter coloring when things are slow. Star claims they are moving to that great hillbilly Mecca, Florida, when the Meal Ticket gets off her ass and finds a job as a nurse, now that she's out of school. But the Meal Ticket is very content to sit at the counter and color and answer the phones and keep an eye on Star.
Then we took out all rusty new Hondas that had sat in a field at the Mother Ship all winter long and replaced them with a shiney new row of Hondas, pushing the other brands, the ones that sell, into the back rows.
They sent the weird guy around twice a day to pick up all the dogshit.
The Honda guys were quite amused. At another dealership they later visited, the local representative told one of the salesmen, a former inmate at the Lazy K, that the top level executives spent more time trying to figure out who was what character in the blog and whether or not the CSB was high than how to wrestle away the franchise.
Highly placed sources say this is a foregone conclusion and that it's going to a new Powerstore.
The Lazy K has become a must see destination for busy motorcycle company executives.
Fortunately, this wasn't a surprise visit, so we had a week to change out all the burned out light bulbs, about a third of them, and turn the passout room in back into an office where Star and the Meal Ticket can go have fights when he doesn't do what she tells him. Since the CSB has been staying away from the Lazy K, the Meal Ticket has stepped in and become the quasi-underpaid office manager. She likes the job because it allows her to make sure Star is not fucking the CSB anymore, and she can bring her coloring books and crayons to work and sit at the front counter coloring when things are slow. Star claims they are moving to that great hillbilly Mecca, Florida, when the Meal Ticket gets off her ass and finds a job as a nurse, now that she's out of school. But the Meal Ticket is very content to sit at the counter and color and answer the phones and keep an eye on Star.
Then we took out all rusty new Hondas that had sat in a field at the Mother Ship all winter long and replaced them with a shiney new row of Hondas, pushing the other brands, the ones that sell, into the back rows.
They sent the weird guy around twice a day to pick up all the dogshit.
The Honda guys were quite amused. At another dealership they later visited, the local representative told one of the salesmen, a former inmate at the Lazy K, that the top level executives spent more time trying to figure out who was what character in the blog and whether or not the CSB was high than how to wrestle away the franchise.
Highly placed sources say this is a foregone conclusion and that it's going to a new Powerstore.
The Lazy K has become a must see destination for busy motorcycle company executives.
This Loser
Here's an interesting link someone sent us. Looks like it's been up for a while.
http://www.thisloser.com/find/?id=230
On the site, it asks what you think. Vote early and often.
http://www.thisloser.com/find/?id=230
On the site, it asks what you think. Vote early and often.
Creepy Old Pervs on KLRs
What is it about the KLR650 that makes it the bike of choice for creepy old perverts? Today we had a weirdo in the Lazy K who kept looking at the new Kawasaki Concours, asking the usual mindnumbingly stupid questions people who look at Concourses ask. He didn't want it, he just wanted to know all about it so he could tell all the other boring old coots on the internet.
Mondo asked him what he rides now. The Old Creep rides a KLR 650 with 57,000 miles. He remembers putting each of them on the bike. He decided to bore Mondo to tears while trying to convince himself aloud that it is not a cheap pile of potmetal assembled in Thailand by child slave labor. Mondo's eyes glazed over and he wandered off to find a real buyer, hoping Old Creepy would find someone else to share his epic life story with.
The Old Creep walked up to Paco while Paco was trying to pitch a bike, asked the price of various bikes and what Paco thought about them, and wrote the names of the bikes and prices in little tiny letters and numbers on the back of a business card he'd helped himself to off someone's desk. He had also taken a Gold Wing and Hayabusa brochure, because he found them on someone's desk or in the trash so they were free and it's a tough choice between those two bikes and the other half million he knows all about. Then he pulled out the free map the state gives away at rest stops and asked Paco to show him the whereabouts of our two closest competitors. Paco told the old creep that he lives somewhere else, and to ask Mondo.
Mondo gave him directions to the nearest ghetto.
Then the Creepy Old Weirdo became a Creepy Old Perv and told Mondo about his trips to the former Warsaw Pact countries to pay for sex with young girls and find a cute young wife who would find a Creepy Old Perv with bad breath irresistable. He wasn't having much luck to date.
The CSB stumbled by with her gut hanging out of her shirt, saying "someone's getting fired today," and the creepy old perv started dry humping the air. He leaned against a wall and told Mondo he was losing his breath. Mondo figured he was having a stroke or otherwise dying, and tried to persuade him to leave the store before he did so we wouldn't have to move the body or close down while the paramedics work on him and wheel him out.
Then the old perv found Paco again and moved in close enough that Paco could count the hairs on his ears and smell the fetid sourness of old man who celebrates August by drinking curdled milk. The Old Pervert repeated himself, that he was losing his breath, said it again, then again, and told Paco it must be hard working in a place with hot women walking around all the time. Paco looked up and all he could see was the CSB and the Sea Cow behind the counter.
Then the old perv started following the CSB through the store. She turned and smiled at him, and asked if he was being waited on okay. The Creepy Old Perv said he was and decided to make small talk by asking about the yapping dogs that shit all over the floor. Before he could tell her how wonderful his KLR is, the CSB started rambling on about dog agility and how some fucking asshole called the Health Department on her god damn dogs.
The creepy old perv's eyes glazed over and he rode off to share this slice of his life with everyone on the internet.
Mondo asked him what he rides now. The Old Creep rides a KLR 650 with 57,000 miles. He remembers putting each of them on the bike. He decided to bore Mondo to tears while trying to convince himself aloud that it is not a cheap pile of potmetal assembled in Thailand by child slave labor. Mondo's eyes glazed over and he wandered off to find a real buyer, hoping Old Creepy would find someone else to share his epic life story with.
The Old Creep walked up to Paco while Paco was trying to pitch a bike, asked the price of various bikes and what Paco thought about them, and wrote the names of the bikes and prices in little tiny letters and numbers on the back of a business card he'd helped himself to off someone's desk. He had also taken a Gold Wing and Hayabusa brochure, because he found them on someone's desk or in the trash so they were free and it's a tough choice between those two bikes and the other half million he knows all about. Then he pulled out the free map the state gives away at rest stops and asked Paco to show him the whereabouts of our two closest competitors. Paco told the old creep that he lives somewhere else, and to ask Mondo.
Mondo gave him directions to the nearest ghetto.
Then the Creepy Old Weirdo became a Creepy Old Perv and told Mondo about his trips to the former Warsaw Pact countries to pay for sex with young girls and find a cute young wife who would find a Creepy Old Perv with bad breath irresistable. He wasn't having much luck to date.
The CSB stumbled by with her gut hanging out of her shirt, saying "someone's getting fired today," and the creepy old perv started dry humping the air. He leaned against a wall and told Mondo he was losing his breath. Mondo figured he was having a stroke or otherwise dying, and tried to persuade him to leave the store before he did so we wouldn't have to move the body or close down while the paramedics work on him and wheel him out.
Then the old perv found Paco again and moved in close enough that Paco could count the hairs on his ears and smell the fetid sourness of old man who celebrates August by drinking curdled milk. The Old Pervert repeated himself, that he was losing his breath, said it again, then again, and told Paco it must be hard working in a place with hot women walking around all the time. Paco looked up and all he could see was the CSB and the Sea Cow behind the counter.
Then the old perv started following the CSB through the store. She turned and smiled at him, and asked if he was being waited on okay. The Creepy Old Perv said he was and decided to make small talk by asking about the yapping dogs that shit all over the floor. Before he could tell her how wonderful his KLR is, the CSB started rambling on about dog agility and how some fucking asshole called the Health Department on her god damn dogs.
The creepy old perv's eyes glazed over and he rode off to share this slice of his life with everyone on the internet.
Screw Mom and Dad, I got $50
Monikwa has a new bike.
She is a big nasty bulldyke who once came thundering into the Lazy K to beat the hell out of Tits Ahoy for calling her "Sir," when she called to complain to the CSB about the Service department tearing the seat of her Vulcan and scratching the tank when she left it here for an oil change.
The Rhino dated Monikwa for a while, and that scared the Rhino.
Then Monikwa decided she wanted to go out to with the CSB. I'm not sure if it was the prison tats, the jericurl mullet, or the big black strap-on dildo Monikwa brought with her in the box she returned the wrong sissy bar we ordered for her and showed and told the CSB she wanted to fuck her with in bareback biker chaps, but the CSB took to hiding from Monikwa when she came in to complain every couple of days for three months last summer that her bike was still in our service department. The CSB even went back to service more than once and screamed at Famous Nobody to fix her fucking bike and get it the hell out of here.
It was a surprise to learn that Monikwa had traded her Vulcan in for a Road Star at the other Lazy K, because she thinks the FSB is strange.
The FSB decided that to get the $50 spiff Yamaha offers, she would give Monikwa $800 more than a rich lunatic would pay for the Vulcan if all the pitted chrome bolt on crap was gold and it didn't have a dented tank and holes in the seat where her vaginal emissions had eaten through the vinyl, and sell the Yamaha for $250 under cost, to cover the new and improved doc fee. The FSB even went so far as to show Monikwa in the NADA book that she was giving her $800 over book value. When all's said and done, the Lazy K lost more than a thousand dollars on the deal. But the FSB got $50.
She is a big nasty bulldyke who once came thundering into the Lazy K to beat the hell out of Tits Ahoy for calling her "Sir," when she called to complain to the CSB about the Service department tearing the seat of her Vulcan and scratching the tank when she left it here for an oil change.
The Rhino dated Monikwa for a while, and that scared the Rhino.
Then Monikwa decided she wanted to go out to with the CSB. I'm not sure if it was the prison tats, the jericurl mullet, or the big black strap-on dildo Monikwa brought with her in the box she returned the wrong sissy bar we ordered for her and showed and told the CSB she wanted to fuck her with in bareback biker chaps, but the CSB took to hiding from Monikwa when she came in to complain every couple of days for three months last summer that her bike was still in our service department. The CSB even went back to service more than once and screamed at Famous Nobody to fix her fucking bike and get it the hell out of here.
It was a surprise to learn that Monikwa had traded her Vulcan in for a Road Star at the other Lazy K, because she thinks the FSB is strange.
The FSB decided that to get the $50 spiff Yamaha offers, she would give Monikwa $800 more than a rich lunatic would pay for the Vulcan if all the pitted chrome bolt on crap was gold and it didn't have a dented tank and holes in the seat where her vaginal emissions had eaten through the vinyl, and sell the Yamaha for $250 under cost, to cover the new and improved doc fee. The FSB even went so far as to show Monikwa in the NADA book that she was giving her $800 over book value. When all's said and done, the Lazy K lost more than a thousand dollars on the deal. But the FSB got $50.
The Last Sumo
The Buddha has left the building. Reduced to playing on the internet after watching Juan Capistrano, the new F and I guy from Delaware, walk in, talk to the CSB for five minutes and take his job, the Buddha decided it was time to leave when the CSB raised his healthcare premiums fom $80 a month to $800 and then told him he would have to take a pay cut that would make him earn about $65 less than his healthcare premiums every month after taxes, because playing on the internet doesn't pay very well at the Lazy K. Nothing pays very well now that we are down more than 42% over last year and having serious problems with all our creditors and the District Attorney.
So the Buddha went to a job interview near his house, and thinks he has a job. What he doesn't know is that Juan Capistrano realizes the Lazy K is a crazy place, he's not going to make any money here, and has been interviewing all over town. It won't be long before Star or the Meal Ticket is calling the competent woman again and asking her how to fill out loan and title paperwork, then arranging for everyone to come back in and redo their loan papers when they get someone in the Buddha's chair who knows what the hell they are doing.
Does the Buddha know he is eligible for unemployment? All he has to do is mention the insane drug induced behaviour of the CSB and her frequent requests that he commit fraud when filling out sales contracts.
It worked for the Rhino.
So the Buddha went to a job interview near his house, and thinks he has a job. What he doesn't know is that Juan Capistrano realizes the Lazy K is a crazy place, he's not going to make any money here, and has been interviewing all over town. It won't be long before Star or the Meal Ticket is calling the competent woman again and asking her how to fill out loan and title paperwork, then arranging for everyone to come back in and redo their loan papers when they get someone in the Buddha's chair who knows what the hell they are doing.
Does the Buddha know he is eligible for unemployment? All he has to do is mention the insane drug induced behaviour of the CSB and her frequent requests that he commit fraud when filling out sales contracts.
It worked for the Rhino.
Dude, Where the Fuck's my Bike?
This guy called service today to see if his bike is ready to be picked up. I would say "fixed," but that's stretching things. If it's still running after we've touched it, that's a good thing.
It is a 2006 Yamaha R6, and we can't find it.
Star and the service department spent the morning trying to figure out where it is, and then Famous Nobody the drag racing snitch sauntered in a couple days late. He thinks he remembers leaving the bike outside with the key in it Saturday night.
When she awoke from her self induced coma in the back office, the CSB said, "Tell the fucker to call his insurance company, because we're not responsible."
It is a 2006 Yamaha R6, and we can't find it.
Star and the service department spent the morning trying to figure out where it is, and then Famous Nobody the drag racing snitch sauntered in a couple days late. He thinks he remembers leaving the bike outside with the key in it Saturday night.
When she awoke from her self induced coma in the back office, the CSB said, "Tell the fucker to call his insurance company, because we're not responsible."
Choke
Since she's been on the outs with Freddie Fife, and the Meal Ticket has Star under direct supervision, the CSB has been calling and emailing everyone who's fucked her recently, hoping to find someone willing to do it again and prove that she's wonderful, desirable, and young. That's a lot of email and phone calls. And a couple of responses.
Taco Dave showed up and took the CSB to lunch, leaving his faggy little dogs behind to fight with the Poodle and piss on the ATVS and floor.
We welcomed the three hours of what passes for sanity at the Lazy K, and managed to get some work done. The Buddha resolved the wide receiver controversy on his fantasy football league, and Star wrote up Famous Nobody, the drag racing snitch nobody has ever heard of, for doing burnouts and wheelies across the parking lot on a customer's GSXR 600 that was in for a tire change until the old tire wore down to nothing and exploded.
When they got back, the CSB looked even more pie eyed than usual, and smelled of wine coolers and sour druggie sweat, and after stumbling the dogs through Weavepole Dave's weavepoles in front of the store a couple of times, she told the new Counter Cow who answers the phones to hold her calls, while she and Taco Dave went into the pass out room to discuss dog agility.
Freddie Fife called, and the Counter Cow told him the CSB was busy with a client. Then the Old Battleax called, and the new Counter Cow told her the same thing. When the Old Battleax called back and told the Counter Cow to get the CSB now, the Counter Cow walked in on the CSB throwing up on Taco Dave's lap while she was trying to give him a drunken blowjob, because she is still hot, and that's what hot girls do on the internet. She'd had a salad for lunch.
The CSB spent the rest of the afternoon screaming at the new Counter Cow that she was not to ever go into the office if the door was locked, or she would be fired. She told her not to tell anybody what she saw or why Taco Dave left the Lazy K with her pink State U. sweatshirt tied around his waist or she would be fired. The Counter Cow should be grateful to have a fucking job.
Then the CSB passed out in the back room with her dogs and their toys and the smell of vomit because the cleaning person doesn't come in until tomorrow.
Some people just can't keep their fucking mouths shut.
Taco Dave showed up and took the CSB to lunch, leaving his faggy little dogs behind to fight with the Poodle and piss on the ATVS and floor.
We welcomed the three hours of what passes for sanity at the Lazy K, and managed to get some work done. The Buddha resolved the wide receiver controversy on his fantasy football league, and Star wrote up Famous Nobody, the drag racing snitch nobody has ever heard of, for doing burnouts and wheelies across the parking lot on a customer's GSXR 600 that was in for a tire change until the old tire wore down to nothing and exploded.
When they got back, the CSB looked even more pie eyed than usual, and smelled of wine coolers and sour druggie sweat, and after stumbling the dogs through Weavepole Dave's weavepoles in front of the store a couple of times, she told the new Counter Cow who answers the phones to hold her calls, while she and Taco Dave went into the pass out room to discuss dog agility.
Freddie Fife called, and the Counter Cow told him the CSB was busy with a client. Then the Old Battleax called, and the new Counter Cow told her the same thing. When the Old Battleax called back and told the Counter Cow to get the CSB now, the Counter Cow walked in on the CSB throwing up on Taco Dave's lap while she was trying to give him a drunken blowjob, because she is still hot, and that's what hot girls do on the internet. She'd had a salad for lunch.
The CSB spent the rest of the afternoon screaming at the new Counter Cow that she was not to ever go into the office if the door was locked, or she would be fired. She told her not to tell anybody what she saw or why Taco Dave left the Lazy K with her pink State U. sweatshirt tied around his waist or she would be fired. The Counter Cow should be grateful to have a fucking job.
Then the CSB passed out in the back room with her dogs and their toys and the smell of vomit because the cleaning person doesn't come in until tomorrow.
Some people just can't keep their fucking mouths shut.
Someone's Getting Fired Today
From the time she staggered in early this afternoon, the CSB has been wandering the store saying, "someone's getting fired today."
The CSB doesn't know who to accuse of leaking the information about Freddie Fife finally deciding to dump her crazy ass to the world, so she's blaming everyone.
First, the CSB and Star cornered the Buddha at the computer where he sits and plays fantasy football now that there is a new Finance Manager, Juan Capistrano. The first person to apply for the Buddha's job got it, but instead of firing the Buddha, he has been relegated to sitting at the computer evaluating tight ends.
The Buddha denied having anything to do with spreading the bad news, even when Star asked if he'd be willing to submit to a polygraph. So they went on down the list of suspects.
Paco is safe, because the CSB thinks he's as loyal as one of her dogs, and that's how she treats him. So Star and the CSB decided to interrogate Mondo in the back room. Mondo denied saying anything, and is the best salesman, so Star told him not to, if he was.
With her shoulder hunched up and newfound limp that changes legs, the CSB resembled a cartoon hunchback as she stumbled around the showroom with her little dogs in tow repeating the clever phrase, "Someone's getting fired today."
Customers found this oddly amusing. Several laughed when she tripped over Bandit. It was distracting to the employees as they went around trying to do their jobs, especially the way the CSB tried to stare us down while her eyes rolled around in her head, hoping the crazed look would make someone break down and confess so he or she could be fired today.
She wandered back to parts and said someone is getting fired today, then accused the guys in the parts department of spreading the word. They denied it, so the CSB wandered back to service and threatened to fire everyone there too.
For some reason, idiots think it's cute to let their kids call the Lazy K and ask for the best price on something. Mondo got one of those calls, and told the kid he could have a brand new $5499 Honda CRF150 for $1999, if he came in and made sure to ask for Friar Tuck. Sure enough, the idiot got in his jacked up pickup truck and drove his brat a hundred miles to the Lazy K, and asked for Friar Tuck then called him a fucking liar when Friar Tuck said he never spoke to Idiot Jr. and wasn't going to sell him a $5499 Honda for $1999. The idiot then said he knows the CSB and wants to speak to her.
The CSB listened to the idiot, told him someone's getting fired today, then drifted out of the conversation and got on the phone to tell the Old Battleax that all these motherfucking liars are denying they said anything as soon as the idiot asked for the Lazy K to pay for his gas.
The idiot stormed out, turned around, came back and slammed the door, drove around the parking lot once and stopped in front of the Lazy K, honked his horn for a couple of minutes while he flipped us off screaming that Friar Tuck is a lying motherfucker and a motherfucking liar then burned rubber leaving the parking lot. He was pulled over half a block away and ticketed for not wearing a seatbelt.
The CSB made the Buddha leave the company computer just as he was selecting a quarterback so she could send these emails to the Rhino:
"If you are bucking for an invitation to our wedding...Forget it. WE DO NOT LIKE YOU. Never write Freddie again. Also you need a drivers license to get there so boo-hoo you are our of luck. Get a green card and a life while you are at it! Freddie loves me I love him sorry you can't get a man so you had become a lesbian. GOOD LUCK.......hahahahahahahahahah"
and,
"wassssssss a matter you e-mail my man. But scared of me huh?Life is so great now that you are gone."
Next, the CSB called Baby Hitler at the other Lazy K and accused him of spreading rumours that Freddie had dumped her. She told Baby Hitler she would get his ass fired if he did it again.
The CSB looked up from the computer and said, "someone's getting fired today."
Then the CSB passed out in the back room surrounded by her dogs and their toys and the Buddha got to select his quarterback.
The CSB doesn't know who to accuse of leaking the information about Freddie Fife finally deciding to dump her crazy ass to the world, so she's blaming everyone.
First, the CSB and Star cornered the Buddha at the computer where he sits and plays fantasy football now that there is a new Finance Manager, Juan Capistrano. The first person to apply for the Buddha's job got it, but instead of firing the Buddha, he has been relegated to sitting at the computer evaluating tight ends.
The Buddha denied having anything to do with spreading the bad news, even when Star asked if he'd be willing to submit to a polygraph. So they went on down the list of suspects.
Paco is safe, because the CSB thinks he's as loyal as one of her dogs, and that's how she treats him. So Star and the CSB decided to interrogate Mondo in the back room. Mondo denied saying anything, and is the best salesman, so Star told him not to, if he was.
With her shoulder hunched up and newfound limp that changes legs, the CSB resembled a cartoon hunchback as she stumbled around the showroom with her little dogs in tow repeating the clever phrase, "Someone's getting fired today."
Customers found this oddly amusing. Several laughed when she tripped over Bandit. It was distracting to the employees as they went around trying to do their jobs, especially the way the CSB tried to stare us down while her eyes rolled around in her head, hoping the crazed look would make someone break down and confess so he or she could be fired today.
She wandered back to parts and said someone is getting fired today, then accused the guys in the parts department of spreading the word. They denied it, so the CSB wandered back to service and threatened to fire everyone there too.
For some reason, idiots think it's cute to let their kids call the Lazy K and ask for the best price on something. Mondo got one of those calls, and told the kid he could have a brand new $5499 Honda CRF150 for $1999, if he came in and made sure to ask for Friar Tuck. Sure enough, the idiot got in his jacked up pickup truck and drove his brat a hundred miles to the Lazy K, and asked for Friar Tuck then called him a fucking liar when Friar Tuck said he never spoke to Idiot Jr. and wasn't going to sell him a $5499 Honda for $1999. The idiot then said he knows the CSB and wants to speak to her.
The CSB listened to the idiot, told him someone's getting fired today, then drifted out of the conversation and got on the phone to tell the Old Battleax that all these motherfucking liars are denying they said anything as soon as the idiot asked for the Lazy K to pay for his gas.
The idiot stormed out, turned around, came back and slammed the door, drove around the parking lot once and stopped in front of the Lazy K, honked his horn for a couple of minutes while he flipped us off screaming that Friar Tuck is a lying motherfucker and a motherfucking liar then burned rubber leaving the parking lot. He was pulled over half a block away and ticketed for not wearing a seatbelt.
The CSB made the Buddha leave the company computer just as he was selecting a quarterback so she could send these emails to the Rhino:
"If you are bucking for an invitation to our wedding...Forget it. WE DO NOT LIKE YOU. Never write Freddie again. Also you need a drivers license to get there so boo-hoo you are our of luck. Get a green card and a life while you are at it! Freddie loves me I love him sorry you can't get a man so you had become a lesbian. GOOD LUCK.......hahahahahahahahahah"
and,
"wassssssss a matter you e-mail my man. But scared of me huh?Life is so great now that you are gone."
Next, the CSB called Baby Hitler at the other Lazy K and accused him of spreading rumours that Freddie had dumped her. She told Baby Hitler she would get his ass fired if he did it again.
The CSB looked up from the computer and said, "someone's getting fired today."
Then the CSB passed out in the back room surrounded by her dogs and their toys and the Buddha got to select his quarterback.
Idiot's Guide to Unemployment Benefits
Few people realize that if they quit an awful place to work and can prove it was an awful place to work, they are eligible to collect unemployment benefits. One enterprising former inmate at the Lazy K is presently collecting unemployment benefits after quiting and claiming she left because she no longer wanted to take part in illegal and unethical actions. In another brilliant executive decision, the Old Battleax responded to the claim by demanding proof of these illegal and unethical actions.
So the ex-inmate printed off the District Attorney's page from the Internet about suing the Lazy K for fraud, and brought that and a couple emails from the CSB ordering illegal happy pills from a Canadian pharmacy and two from craigslist with dick pics sent to the CSB at the company account to the hearing. According to those sissies who work for the state, breaking the law and committing fraud can not be part of your job description. Even at the Lazy K. And you don't have to look at dick pics on the company computer either.
If you are an inmate at the Lazy K, and have put up with their shit for 3 months or more, you are probably eligible for unemployment, even if you quit.
Other things to mention in filling out your claim, if your supervisor is the Homeless Guy or Fearless Leader, are the racist, anti-gay and sexist remarks you have constantly overheard. If you work back in service and have been called a fucking idiot be someone besides a customer, and you probably have on a pretty continuous basis since you started, because you are one, you are also eligible to collect.
Get them checks rollin' in.
So the ex-inmate printed off the District Attorney's page from the Internet about suing the Lazy K for fraud, and brought that and a couple emails from the CSB ordering illegal happy pills from a Canadian pharmacy and two from craigslist with dick pics sent to the CSB at the company account to the hearing. According to those sissies who work for the state, breaking the law and committing fraud can not be part of your job description. Even at the Lazy K. And you don't have to look at dick pics on the company computer either.
If you are an inmate at the Lazy K, and have put up with their shit for 3 months or more, you are probably eligible for unemployment, even if you quit.
Other things to mention in filling out your claim, if your supervisor is the Homeless Guy or Fearless Leader, are the racist, anti-gay and sexist remarks you have constantly overheard. If you work back in service and have been called a fucking idiot be someone besides a customer, and you probably have on a pretty continuous basis since you started, because you are one, you are also eligible to collect.
Get them checks rollin' in.
Bad Star, No Gixxer
All he had to do was make the payments.
Star convinced the Meal Ticket that his bad credit was the result of bad things happening to him and bad things other people had done. So to make him happy and live with her, the Meal Ticket let Star run up her credit to buy a Suzuki GSXR600, and a big screen TV, and max out everything else in her name, as long as he made the payments.
The way the program works is that if Star makes the payments on time, he gets to ride the GSXR for $99 a month. If he doesn't, the interest rate jumps to loan shark and the payment triples.
Because the Lazy K is experience record declining sales, lawsuits and a lack of potential employees willing to work for a psychotic pill popping despot and her little rent boy, Star's bonuses haven't quite equalled all the new debt his Meal Ticket took on. So he was late making the $99 payment.
Between the two of them, Star and the Meal Ticket couldn't get the lender to lower the payment back to something they could pay together if she hangs out at the Lazy K and answers the phones and makes sure Star isn't having sex with the CSB now that Freddie Fife is dumping her cazy ass and the Rhino isn't around to rebuild her myspace and type for her so she sounds intelligent and coherent while she trolls for new meat on the internet, so the Meal Ticket put her foot down and told Star the Gixxer has to go.
Of course, Star still owes about what he paid for it, so his only alternative was to get another motorcycle. And the only lender who will finance Star's Meal Ticket at this point is Honda. Fortunately, the Lazy K bought a whole truckload of old VTX1300s for $5900 each. So Star was able to get out of the Gixxer and onto an old man's motorcycle nobody wanted for two years in a row, and the payments are only about double what he promised to pay last time and didn't.
The Meal Ticket doesn't mind. There's space for her big ass on the back of the new bike.
Star convinced the Meal Ticket that his bad credit was the result of bad things happening to him and bad things other people had done. So to make him happy and live with her, the Meal Ticket let Star run up her credit to buy a Suzuki GSXR600, and a big screen TV, and max out everything else in her name, as long as he made the payments.
The way the program works is that if Star makes the payments on time, he gets to ride the GSXR for $99 a month. If he doesn't, the interest rate jumps to loan shark and the payment triples.
Because the Lazy K is experience record declining sales, lawsuits and a lack of potential employees willing to work for a psychotic pill popping despot and her little rent boy, Star's bonuses haven't quite equalled all the new debt his Meal Ticket took on. So he was late making the $99 payment.
Between the two of them, Star and the Meal Ticket couldn't get the lender to lower the payment back to something they could pay together if she hangs out at the Lazy K and answers the phones and makes sure Star isn't having sex with the CSB now that Freddie Fife is dumping her cazy ass and the Rhino isn't around to rebuild her myspace and type for her so she sounds intelligent and coherent while she trolls for new meat on the internet, so the Meal Ticket put her foot down and told Star the Gixxer has to go.
Of course, Star still owes about what he paid for it, so his only alternative was to get another motorcycle. And the only lender who will finance Star's Meal Ticket at this point is Honda. Fortunately, the Lazy K bought a whole truckload of old VTX1300s for $5900 each. So Star was able to get out of the Gixxer and onto an old man's motorcycle nobody wanted for two years in a row, and the payments are only about double what he promised to pay last time and didn't.
The Meal Ticket doesn't mind. There's space for her big ass on the back of the new bike.
Sandpaper Tongue
One afternoon when she returned drunk from a very disappointing three hour lunch with one of the radio reps, the CSB told the Rhino that she occasionally lets the poodle lick her off. She said he never complains that he's too tired or asks her to take a shower first. And he never needs new batteries.
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