The Wicked Bitch of the West Side

Flip Out

2011-07-14T13:50:00.002-04:00

We sold a guy a motorcross bike we don't have. Not to worry, it's done all the time. The CSB found it at another dealership, and sent Famous Nobody to pick it up.

the CSB was out cold when Famous Nobody returned. He took the bike out of the crate and got it ready for delivery, and then decided to ride it a little, because it's the latest and greatest, and Famous Nobody is the best nobody in the history of drag racing things your father buys you until they break.

Unfortunately for the Lazy K and the customer, Famous Nobody decided to ride a wheelie, and the bike came back over on top of him.

Famous Nobody has a clever plan. When the CSB sobers up, he's going to tell her that the bike was scratched up when he took it out of the crate.

We fix all makes and models

2011-07-12T06:52:00.000-04:00

Ever wonder what happens to your bike when you leave it for service?

I have video of Famous Dumbass, the famous dragracer and nobody who works for $7 an hour as a mechanic, doing wheelies through the service bay on a customer's Yamaha Vino scooter.

Want to make an appointment?

Mondo makes a "Deal" with CSB

2011-07-11T00:51:00.000-04:00

Mondo's back is causing him pain again so he went to the doctor. The Doctor was nice enough to prescribe him with more than enough vicodin. Seeing as how Mondo has quite a few extra pills to spare, he thinks of the best possible way to use them.

A week ago Mondo took a German bike in on trade. Because he enjoys bending his customers over, the Lazy K has very few dollars in the bike. The dealership doesn't sell this brand normally, so it will be hard for them to get retail out of it.

He sees an opportunity to make money and offers the CSB $5000 on this $7000 bike. His plan is to sell it on ebay and turn a quick profit. He leads everyone to believe that he will be taking it on his yearly trip to South America. CSB turns down his offer.

Another week goes by and Mondo asks Beans if she know the status of the supply of meds that the CSB has. "Not sure but she's been fucking crabby so she probably due for some more, why?" asks Beans. "Well, I have a plan to buy that bike I took in. CSB knows I have extras and she will come to me begging for them!" says Mondo

Needing pills badly, CSB goes to Mondo and works out a deal. "$5000 and 100 of your vicodin, and the bike is yours!" Smiling from ear to ear, Mondo say "DEAL".

Let There Be Light

2011-07-07T05:24:00.000-04:00

"If you think you are going to sell something, you might. If you know you are going to sell something, you will," Paco.

"I always assume I won't sell anything, so if I do, I'm pleasantly surprised," Mondo.

Over time some of the lights at the Lazy K have burned out. Because nobody really does anything to make the place nice, this has gone unchecked for at least a year. So it was getting hard to see all the dust on the bikes and people were tripping over dog toys and slipping in pools of dog urine.

Paco, in yet another attempt to make the place nice and normal like everywhere else he's ever worked in his life, went around one day counting the burned out bulbs. There were 83, about a third of the lights in the showroom.

He went to the CSB and she told him that if he brought in a ladder, she would order the lights and he could change them. She told him he could get a couple of the service guys to help him. She also thanked him for rearranging all the bikes and quads while Mondo and Beans counted dwarfs (short customers) They were trying to get to seven. That Paco is enthusiastic.

So the big day came when all the lights would be here and Paco brought his ladder and Mondo and Beans discussed their plans for lunch. Paco got a couple guys out of the service department to help him (they don't have names because next time we mention them they will probably have quit or gotten fired and been replaced), and made a few more enthusiastic comments in front of the CSB about making the store great and how well we would all do, and Mondo just about had Beans convinced that it was her turn to go pick up the food at Chipotle, when the lights finally showed up. There were 30. We needed 83, no 85 because they dropped two and broke them while taking them out of the sockets.

When she returned from picking up lunch, Tits Ahoy, the new receptionist Mondo and Beans convinced to pick up their lunch while they continued counting dwarves, asking one another if Paco counted, making him wonder what they were counting, felt a little disoriented. One corner of the showroom is now eerily bathed in light. And Paco doesn't have anything positive to say about the situation. And he didn't sell anything either.

Taco Dave moves in

2011-07-06T20:06:00.000-04:00

Apparently Taco Dave has suffered a few financial setbacks since getting fired. He has declared his undying love for the CSB and moved into her apartment. In addition, he bought a small dog. So they have that in common too.

The Poodle gets his space

2011-07-04T00:00:00.000-04:00

Today is the day the radio reps come around. The dealership buys a lot of radio time, and the CSB makes the reps give her free tickets to concerts and football games. Mondo sells them on Craigslist and they split the take.

So there were two radio reps there, to give her tickets and discuss advertising campaigns for the upcoming months.

The CSB decided it would be more fun to create a myspace space for the Poodle, so she and the Rhino spent the afternoon building it, while the radio reps talked to each other and then wandered off.

In other words, the business of selling motorcycles and ATVs came to a halt while the CSB constructed a myspace site FOR HER DOG!!!

On one of his many waddles through the store to the liquor store or out to smoke, the Buddha stopped in front of Mondo's desk, caught his breath and started to doze off.

"I couldn't make this up if I tried," said Mondo.

The Buiddha just nodded and closed his eyes.

After they constructed the myspace space, the CSB spent the entire afternoon showing it to the employees, clicking through the photos and reading aloud the Poodle's profile. She lied about his age too.

Buy Here, Pay Here

2011-04-28T14:27:00.002-04:00

The high gas prices are bringing them out of the woodwork. We get about fifteen calls a day from people asking about scooters. Most of them have seen the stuff online and figure that it should be cheaper to buy a Honda or Yamaha at a dealership than some piece of crap from China off the internet. If we have real live customers, they get put on punitive hold until they call back. If it's slow however, and the CSB is passed out in the back room, we put them on speaker phone.

"Lazy K, how may I help you?"
"What's your cheapest scooter?"
"How much are you looking to spend?"
"Not more than $500."
"We have one for $499."
"Really? What kind is it? I don't want none of that cheap Chinese crap."
"You have your choice between a Honda or a Yamaha."
"How fast will they go?"
"About 85."
"I'm liking that. Do you have financing where you don't check credit?"
"Sure."
"How does it work?"
"We give you the bike today and you pay us when you can."
"Now that's what I'm talking about."
"How much money can you put down?"
"I don't want to put no money down."
"Sounds good."
"What's the interest rate? I ain't paying no bullshit interest rate like 12%."
"I don't blame you. Nobody should charge high interest to a deadbeat who doesn't pay his bills. That's a ripoff."
"That's right. What bus will bring me there?"
"I don't know."
"Can't you look it up online?"
"Hold on."

And he did. For 18 minutes. When he called back and asked about five hundred dollar Honda we were going to let him ride home on today, Friar Tuck told him we just sold the last one. He called Friar Tuck a dick and hung up.

Dreamcatcher

2011-04-27T09:46:00.002-04:00

Last Friday, the FSB came into the LazyK and hung seven dreamcatchers she bought at the Dollar Store in various places throughout the store. Today, she came back and instructed Star to remove one and move another one 27 millimeters to the right.

The FSB instructed Star to handle the Dollar Store dreamcatchers with latex gloves so his essential oils wouldn't cloud their ability to cleanse the space and activate success energy in the employees, and place the non-operational dreamcatcher into a Fed-Ex envelope that she had drawn sacred symbols on with a Sharpie.

Apparently the spirit world is on the metric system.

Artfully Intoxicated

2011-04-04T12:37:00.001-04:00

Bandit stopped to take a pee during one of the events at a Dog Agility national qualification event. The CSB started screaming that she was going to have Bandit put down. She was asked to leave, then escorted out to her car by a bevy of concerned pet owners. She pulled over at a Chili's and washed down a few Vicodans with a couple of low carb Vodkas. She met a really cool group of teenagers on skateboards, and hung out with them for a while, thinking it was cool that they thought she was hot and wanted to make videos of her for Youtube, then she decided to drive home and totalled a parked car before smashing into a retaining wall.

When the owner of the wrecked car called police, The CSB asked them to classify the crash as a "minor incident" and told them she was fucking Freddie Fife of the State Highway Patrol, and that he would make their lives a living hell if they didn't let her go.

They refused and arrested The CSB, who they discovered had a penis drawn on her left cheek with a permanent marker.

The CSB was taken to the local drunk tank, where she offered an officer a blowjob to take a breath test in her place. The officer refused, and the CSB blew a 0.210, a little over the limit.

After passing out in her car behind Chilis, The CSB woke up and attempted to drive home when she hit the parked car, according to police records.

Police arrived at the scene found a parked car had been "extensively damaged" with the bumper ripped off and the engine exposed. She was seen to be swallowing a large amount of what she claimed were super aspirin when the police pulled up.

The CSB appeared to be heavily intoxicated. She was "observed... as having drawings of penises on the left side of her face and on her left leg, apparently drawn with a black marker".

She had the words "Fuck the State Highway Patrol" written on her back and her pants were down around her ankles.

According to police, the CSB was abusive and tried to use the fact that she's "Fucking a Colonel of the State Highway Patrol," to have officers cover-up the incident. She claimed she could have them killed by a Colombian drug gang and the CIA as well.

The CSB claims she remembers little of the night. She thinks Bandit was mixing her drinks and could have spiked them with drugs or large quantities of alcohol.

Donuts

2009-04-09T15:51:00.002-04:00

The CSB went to a seminar one of the local newspapers put on this morning at a local hotel. The seminar was about how to effectively advertise in this economy. The best idea the person who gave the seminar had was to advertise in the local newspaper. The CSB fell asleep and missed most of the seminar. On the way out of the conference room, the CSB stole a dozen donuts that were there for the guests. By the time she got here and stumbled out of her SUV, only seven remained.
"Who wants a donut?" she asked, and tried to place them on the counter.
The CSB was a bit unsteady and the box slipped from her grasp and the donuts fell out and onto the floor. Bandit grabbed a donut and ran off.
"Someone grab that fucking dog and take the donut away from her," screamed the CSB, "Damn dog tripped me."
She floundered around picking up donuts, putting them back in the box. There was icing on the floor where donuts landed face down. When the CSB had most of the donuts back in the box, she placed it on the counter and then told the Meal Ticket to go tell the service department guys that there are donuts, if anyone wants one.

Leaving On A Good Note

2008-08-13T22:42:00.002-04:00

Little Wigger has had enough. Enough of the CSB and enough of the crazy idiots that want something for nothing. One of them called and wanted to buy a 4 wheel drive Yamaha Grizzly ATV with fuel injection and power steering for $5000, even though it lists for $8999. The guy was calling from a state and a half over, and made Little Wigger call him back so he wouldn't have to pay for the call. Little Wigger listened to the guy talk about what a great deal he had worked out with a dealer five and three quarters states over, and if Little Wigger matched the other dealer's imaginary price, which no other dealer in the Eastern United States had offered to, it would work out better for the cheapskate, because he could have a friend pick the ATV up and deliver it to him, instead of driving the 1084 miles roundtrip, according to mapquest, to get it from the only dealer in the continental US to offer him such a deal. Besides, the mooch said the other dealer sounded a little snakey when he asked for the guy to put the offer in writing and fax it to him.

Little Wigger thought about it for a while, and decided this had all the makings of a great final sale. He explained to the mooch that the reason dealers who sell things really cheap can't put it in writing and fax it is that they get in a lot of trouble with yamaha. So Little Wigger told the guy that what we do instead is record the purchase, and that works even better. He put the guy on speaker phone and kept telling the guy that the microphone wasn't picking up his voice, so the guy was screaming in the phone that he wanted a Grizzly ATV with power steering for %5000 out the door.

Got it, said Little Wigger, picking up the phone just as the dogs were barking at the noise. He hoped they wouldn't lure the CSB out of her daily drug induced stupor in the back room.

The mooch sent his friend in with $5000 cash to buy the Grizzly of his dreams. Unfortunately, his friend didn't know much about ATVs, so Little Wigger sold him a left over 2006 2 wheel drive Grizzly 350 that we marked down to $3500. He pocketed the difference, helped the friend load the ATV into his pickup, then got into his car and went to lunch.

That was a week ago. Little Wigger hasn't been back and the guy who bought the ATV is not very happy that we won't take it back and give him a refund. He keeps screaming that we need to listen to the recording and we will see what he really wanted.

A Signed Original

2008-08-04T22:38:00.000-04:00

Gollum is greedy. Whenever he can, he tries to cheat the new kid with the Ubangi tribal jewelry hanging off his ears out of his commissions. Because Dickie fantasizes about an all he can eat Gollum sausagefest, he lets Gollum make the rules for the sales department. Gollum seems to find reasons to split most every deal.

Recently, Big Opie and the Comic Book Guy were opening the Point of Purchase displays that Suzuki sent us. They found a stack of posters of all the famous riders amongst the hangtags and safety notices. Big Opie took th stack of posters to Mondo and asked what to do with them.

"Let's sign them and put them on ebay," said Mondo. Then he went to lunch.

So Big Opie and the Comic Book Guy took the posters and signed them, some with the right hand, some with the left, with sharpie and ballpoint pen. By the time Mondo got back, they had signed the entire stack of posters and were arguing about who did the best Rickie Carmichael signature, and planning what they were going to do with the money from ebay.

"I was kidding," said Mondo, "That's not only criminal, it is easy to trace."

The evil Mondo made Big Opie and the Comic Book Guy throw away all their signed posters, save for one.

The next day, when Gollum came in from his day off, Mondo showed him the last remaining poster.

"The suzuki rep brought it by," he said, "and I gave it to Big Opie."

"Do you want it?" gollum asked Big Opie.

"Not really, I ride a Kawasaki ZX-10 and Suzukis suck."

"I'll take it," said Gollum, watching an imaginary auction take off in his head.

"I'll give it to you for a sandwich," said Big Opie.

So Gollum got the signed original poster of all the famous Suzuki riders for a sandwich that it took Big Opie a week of asking for every day before he finally got it.

Chicken Little Predicts the Future

2008-07-27T13:24:00.000-04:00

We started carrying Kymco scooters. They had some left over ones from last year, and were offering them at a huge discount. Mondo ordered 10, and forgot to tell Chicken Little.
When Chicken Little got wind of this, he went into a tizzy and immediately informed Dickie. Dickie wasted no time in drafting a memo that stated all future orders have to be cleared by Chicken Little, or they would result in termination.
It took us eight days to sell all ten, and Kymco still had some left over. Mondo suggested to Chicken Little that we might want to order more.
"I don't feel comfortable ordering 2007 scooters this far into 2008," replied Chicken Little, "We might get stuck with them."
"We sold ten in eight days," replied Mondo.
"I am well aware of that, but I think that's a fluke. I want to hold off on ordering any new units until we see how the economy pans out. The 2009 models will be out in a few more months."
Then gas went to $4.50 a gallon, and Kymco told us they are out of scooters until 2009.

Flipper

2008-07-27T13:19:00.000-04:00

Mondo hired a woman to sell bikes.

She liked motorcycles and had her endorsement. So Mondo figured she'd be easy to train in the art of parting enthusiasts from their money.

Her second day on the job, the woman showed up with both forearms bandaged from her elbow to the wrist. She told Mondo that she couldn't push heavy objects and is on a large and steady dose of vicodin. She seemed a little lost and bewildered.

Dickie says we have to build a case for letting go that doesn't involve the fact that she's stoned out of her mind and can't push a unicycle through the building.

This could be fun.

Can't You Smell that Smell

2008-07-27T13:17:00.000-04:00

Cowtits® likes her pants tight. Or she's putting on weight.

Either way, she's got a cameltoe so thick and juicy you can see two feet up her vagina and out the back of her uterus. It's a fragrant one, and the combination of fermenting beaver and enough perfume to conceal a corpse from a cadaver dog is pungent enough to curdle nondairy creamer.

Cowtits® likes to sneak up behind Gollum when he's watching pre-op tranny videos or selling old cars on craigslist and offer him candy, while rocking her mound into the back of his chair and banging the back of his head with her big fake tits.

On the days she's not here, Cowtits® makes little treats for Gollum by putting canned fudge frosting on doublestuffed Oreos. She calls her homemade creation Fuckies, for Fudge Cookies. Cowtits® likes to draw Gollum's attention to the fact that the Oreos are doublestuffed. She says the word doublestuffed a lot, and fuckies too. Cowtits® tells the young guys in parts or sales that one of her daughter's boyfriends gave her homemade treat their catchy little nickname and that her daughter's boyfriends and their buddies used to come over to the house a lot for doublestuffed Fuckies, even after they broke up.

Unless she's watching him, Gollum gives his Fuckies to Giant Robot, who is usually stoned enough to eat sugar with a spoon.

Cowtits® enjoys reminding the rest of us that instead of hiring a janitor, we should take turns cleaning the bathrooms. Once a month, Cowtits® makes a big production out of announcing that she's going to clean the bathrooms, then goes in and dumps the trash.

We ran out of paper towels last week because Cowtits® wouldn't let Jethro buy them anywhere but Costco, and she forgot to leave the card at the dealership.

The Proper Procedure For Ordering Supplies

2008-07-27T13:16:00.001-04:00

We ran out of toner cartridges and couldn't print out documents or run credit applications.

Business came to a standstill until Mondo sent Jethro to Staples with the company credit card to buy a couple.

When Cowtits® returned, three days later, she stampeded through the dealership, mooing loudly that we bought our toner cartridges at Staples instead of ordering them online and waiting a week, because they are $9 cheaper online and you don't pay sales tax. She even berated employees who have nothing to do with ordering or using office supplies. Everybody got an earful of the big cow.

And an unfortunate look at her leatherbelly.

And nobody got any candy.

Dickie sent out a memo that anyone who buys office supplies without checking with Cowtits® first will be terminated.

Saving that $9 and sales tax is more important than being able to do business for a few days.

Yes We Have No Bananas

2008-07-27T13:15:00.000-04:00

The kid wanted to trade in his KLR650. He bought it new six months ago, and financed the entire amount. His payoff was more than a KLR650 sells for new, and he'd spent a lot of time online, so he knew what blue book was. He wanted a Yamaha FZ6, and wasn't going to be ripped off again. The kid figured out how to play the game.

Big Opie VIII took his credit information, and then tried the one closing technique Big Opie VIII has mastered.

"Would you buy this bike today if I take $1000 off?" he asked.

The Kid would think about it. Meanwhile, what was the best price we would sell him the bike for and how much would we give him for his trade. He wanted us to pay it off.

Mondo went out to look at the trade.

The Kid had painted his KLR650 Dollar General flat black, and much of the plastic and metal had a strange texture.

"I put an aftermarket muffler on it, and the muffler came off and the bike caught on fire while I was riding it, so I painted it," said the Kid, "So I'm willing to take less than high blue book."

Mondo just shook his head and went inside.

According to his credit application, the Kid was a mechanic.

While Mondo ran his credit, the Kid and Big Opie VIII started to haggle.

How about if I pay off your trade, and give you $1500 off the FZ6?" Big Opie VIII spread his ass cheeks faster and wider than a Tijuana hooker.

It felt good.

One bank after another turned the Kid down, mainly because paying for the KLR650 after it caught fire didn't appear to be high on the Kid's list of priorities.

"I"ll give you $4000 for the FZ6," said the Kid. The FZ6 retails for $6899.

"$4,000 plus fees?" asked Big Opie VIII, hopefully.

"I'll consider it," said the Kid, "I saw an '08 on the internet for $6499, and want a better deal because it's a 2007."

"And what about your trade, what do you want for it?" asked Big Opie VIII, taking his time to very seriously write 'Custumer ofers $4000 + fees' on the worksheet.

"I won't take less than $5000 because it's only 6 months old."

"They sell for $5199 new," pointed out Big Opie VIII cleverly.

"It's got an aftermarket exhaust," replied the Kid.

"So can you just okay here your offer of $4000 plus fees and we pay off your bike?"

"What is the interest rate? I know a lot of dealers screw you on the rate."

This inane banter went on for way too long. Mondo felt like listening to them anymore would cause brain damage. And overhearing the company moron pull jumbo discounts out of his ass might give real customers bad ideas.

Mondo went out to the sales floor. He had lost interest in being nice.

"Look," said Mondo to the Kid, "This is not a third world bazaar and we're not haggling over the price of bananas. Your credit is so bad, you can't finance extra cheese on a pizza. Go waste someone else's time."

"How close to my price will you go?" asked the Kid.

"Not very," said Mondo.

"How much will you give me for my KLR in trade?"

"You set it on fire," Mondo turned and walked away, "We don't want it. Thanks for stopping by."
The Kid left in a hurry. He couldn't believe the surefire negotiating technique some of the car salesmen at work told him to use didn't work.

"Why did you blow him out of here?" asked Big Opie VIII, "We almost had a deal."

"Better check your meds," Mondo said, "They are causing you to disconnect from reality."

Mondo went back to the computer. The last lender had turned the Kid down. He was destined to spend the time left before the repo man came riding his blackened KLR from dealership to dealership, looking for a $4000 FZ6.

Dickie Downs the Lojack Lady

2008-07-27T13:13:00.001-04:00

Into the dealership walks a saleslady. Flashy car, expensive clothes, she hits up each of the salespeople looking for the Big Douche himself. Finally she gets to talk to Dickie. Turns out she's from Lojack (you might have heard of them, ya know, the people who figured out a really really good and proven way to fight vehicle theft).

Now begins about a week of negotiations as she tries to get Dickie's dealership on board with this good and proven product. Unfortunately for her, her company, Dickie's company and anyone stupid enough to buy a vehicle there, she has to go through Dickie and Chicken Little first.

To put Lojack on a vehicle, the mechanic has to be specially trained and bonded, since he will be the only person to know where the special transponder is hidden. Logic (shh, he might hear you) dictates that this is the second best way to do it, followed only by having NO ONE know where the transponders are placed. His section of the shop must be blocked from view of the other mechanics etc. Sounds good, right? Lol.

Dickie decides that he will not allow them into HIS (by gawd) shop unless he also knows where the transponders are placed, thereby making himself liable for any unrecovered vehicles and doubling the chance that the information would not stay where it belongs. This is only a minor blow to saleslady as every other dealership in a 50 mile radius gets on board immediately.

Now this story is short and is shy on detail but I'm going to leave you with one little gem. Chicken Little, in his finite wisdom and infinite ass kissing chooses to soften the blow to a disappointed sales staff by saying "They're useless anyway, anyone can steal a Lojacked vehicle as long as they cover it with a lead blanket".

Gollum goes American Chopper Part Deux

2008-07-27T13:13:00.000-04:00

The day after the Sucker bought his bike, Big Opie VIII and Comic Book Guy are outside, enjoying the sunlight and wondering aloud why every other dealer in the area gets more traffic than Saint Manure Motorsports (brains aren't a requisite to be hired here) when they hear an awful commotion coming up the street. It sounds like a moving traffic accident/jam. Horns honking, screeching brakes and somewhere, a motorcycle running like shit.

A few moments later they are amazed to see that Yamaha come back, with Sucker at the helm. He's still stalling every few yards and the bike sounds like an angry moped. Behind him is a long line of cars, honking and trying to get around him and almost hitting each other in their haste to get where they are going.

Sucker finally makes it into the parking lot, stalls the bike a final time beside Big Opie VIII and Comic Book Guy, pulls off his helmet and starts yelling about how terribly the bike is running. Now Big Opie VIII and CBG somehow manage to control their laughter and point Sucker around back to service. CBG decides to put out his cigarette (a rarity) and head around to see what's up. Turns out the bike is only running on 3 of 4 cylinders, and the used bikes are sold as is, with no warranty. He's been stopped by cops twice and told he has no brake or tail light.

The Whiner is hysterical by the time CBG gets back to Service. This bike would have been a gold mine for his department because it needs an easy 3k worth of work to make it even remotely safe to ride, let alone sell, but the deed was done on his day off. He starts whining at Comic Book Guy about the unconnected taillights but it's not Comic Book Guy's sale, so he just smiles and leaves in a cloud of Marlboro smoke after mentioning that Gollum was the one who ziptied the tail section off an old Honda to the back of the bike and couldn't hook up the lights.

TWO DAYS AND $500 LATER
and the bike is running on all four cylinders. Gollum is hiding from Sucker in Chicken Little's office, CBG and Big Opie VIII are once again outside enjoying the sunshine. Sucker mounts up, stalls twice on the way out of the parking lot, then hits the street. At which point the lack of rear end lighting comes into play. As CBG digs into his pack for another smoke he hears a horrendous crash and looks up in time to see Sucker flying through the air. He turns around to see Gollum looking out through a window with a small smile on his face. "If he lives through that, I can sell him a new bike."

Where Parts Guys Come From

2008-07-27T13:11:00.000-04:00

Gollum has a friend who lives at home. His friend has never had a job in his life, but he thinks motorcycles are cool and plays in a band. The Rocker is 32.

Gollum convinced the Douchebag that the Rocker would make a great salesperson. He also convinced the Rocker that it might be time to get some experience in the workplace. Gollum planned on helping the Rocker and helping himself to half the Rocker's commissions. Chicken Little figured he could help himself to the other half.

Even by Saint Manure standards, the Rocker wasn't very good at selling anything. He had trouble focusing on the big picture, which is selling and not sharing every detail about your band and every single ride you've ever taken in your life with the people who come in because they have an interest in buying a motorcycle. He also took frequent breaks when his mother brought him lunch or dinner, or merely wanted to come in and see that it wasn't a dream, the Rocker really had a job.

One morning, the Rocker was pushing out the used bikes when he dropped one and caused four to fall over. He broke a few brake levers and put big gashes in the plastic on a couple of the new KTMs. The Rocker righted the bikes and finished pushing them out, without disclosing what had happened.

Chicken Little noticed right away that there was something askew. He emailed the Douchebag, and they were hot on the case. The Douchebag went back through all his tapes and saw the Rocker knock the bikes over.

The next morning, the Douchebag was waiting for Mondo. He'd slept badly in his trailer behind the dealership, trying to figure out what to do about the Rocker.

"He's a nice guy but he can't sell motorcycles," said Mondo, "Not much good at pushing them out either."

When the Rocker came into the dealership, the Douchebag asked him to join them in Mondo's office.

The Rocker looked at Mondo. Mondo looked at the Rocker. The Douchebag looked like he needed a haircut and a bath.

"Mondo doesn't think you are doing very well in sales. Tell him why you're firing him," said the Douchebag.

Mondo started to pay attention. He hadn't mentioned firing the Rocker.

"You're just not selling very well," said Mondo, guessing that this was the reason the Douchebag had decided Mondo was going to use to fire the Rocker.

"And you let a bunch of bikes fall down yesterday," said the Douchebag, "and didn't tell Chicken Little. This is unacceptable."

"Am I fired?" asked the Rocker.

"We decided to move you to Parts," said the Douchebag, "Mondo doesn't want you in sales anymore."

"Okay," said the Rocker.

Dickie sent out a memo that anyone who knocks over a bike will be terminated.

Gollum goes American Chopper

2008-07-27T13:10:00.000-04:00

Gollum is in charge of used bikes, i.e. purchasing crap for nothing and selling it for a little bit more than nothing to unwary customers. His biggest claim to fame being his "roach" of a cruiser, "I put the grinder marks on the pipe myself!" and the two bikes on the lot, purchased for $200 (total) and put back on sale for about $1500 (apiece) never mind the rust pitting, the old, unsafe tires and the fact that they'll probably grenade before they get off the lot.

So one day (so the story goes) Gollum lands on a gold mine. A ten year old Yamaha sportbike, with a wonderful (for a six year old) paint job, almost frozen steering head bearings and bad suspension. Of course he buys it and it goes in back for service to try and make it saleable. But Gollum knows that by the time the mechanics make it safe to drive, all the profit will be gone. So he calls a buddy who has been scraping change for a year to buy his first bike (can you say SUCKER?). His buddy, all unawares, thinks Gollum is doing him a favor.

Now there's only one hitch in the ointment (yeah I know). This fly in the pudding so to speak is that Chicken Little just made a new "rule". Now you have to understand, Chicken Little's main job at this dealership is to keep it an ongoing tax shelter for all of Cowtits®' gambling losses, i.e. it's his job to make sure they lose money (and figure prominently in Dickie's dreams). This newest rule is that no bike can be sold with aftermarket stuff on it. So when they purchase a used bike, they have to put stock blinkers etc. on them. Somehow they manage to leave the aftermarket pipes and whatnot on, but the blinkers are a big deal to him. Ya know, it's ok to do some illegal things, but not others depending on the day of the week, the position of the moon and whether Chicken Little is having a bad hair day or not.

So Gollum heads in back to get the bike ready for his unwitting friend. The front goes just fine, he slaps on a couple of stock type blinkers and then heads for the back of the bike. Oh my, no blinkers at all. Three grinder wheels, four blinkers and two bandaids later, he has "fabricated" a new rear fender, complete with blinkers and taillight, 'cuz that's what makes this bike unsafe, not the bad bearings in the steering head, the bald tires, leaking fork seals or bad rear shock.

The next day, Gollum and Comic Book Guy are outside with Gollum's friend (Comic Book Guy spends most of his time outside, trying to keep enough nicotine in his system so that he can function).
The Sucker (friend) is beside himself with joy, he can finally afford a sportbike. Now maybe he can lose his virginity (at 30 it was starting to worry him that he hadn't yet). His bedazzled senses skim over all the glaring defects in the bike, the bad paint, the scraped and broken levers and pegs....all of it. He doesn't even care that he doesn't know how to ride or doesn't even have a license (a fact ignored by Gollum as he hands over the keys).

So Gollum and Comic Book Guy watch Sucker stall it three times in the parking lot, and twice on the street, their arms become tired from waving because it takes Sucker about 20 minutes to get out of sight.

Gollums leans into the cloud of smoke surrounding CBG and says "That's some good fabrication work man, but I sort of feel like I should have hooked up the taillight and blinker wires".

Stay tuned, Sucker comes back the next day.

Moving On Up

2008-07-27T13:08:00.000-04:00

Cowtits® and the Douchebag used to bless us with their presence a couple of times a week. The rest of the time, the Douchebag would stare drunkenly at his security monitors all day long and email Chicken Little with advice as to how to further demoralize the staff. Occasionally Dickie would personally call an employee and expound on such topics as how to close doors, sweep floors, or clean off desks.

Dickie sees all.

When Cowtits® and the Douchebag came to town, they would stay at nice hotels and pamper themselves with fine meals.

Cowtits® always brought back leftovers for Gollum and Chunks.

Suddenly, that's changed.

Dickie and Cowtits® are living in a motorhome behind the dealership and eating the hotdogs they bought and froze for Bike Nite. He's looking a little ragged every morning. I'm not sure if it's the after effects of too much drink or lack of sleep while watching his life slowly slip into the shit.

Big Opie VIII got online and found out Dickie's really nice house is in foreclosure.

Maybe that's why we had the Christmas party at BW3 this year instead of their McMansion on the hill.

Opie Tries to Score

2008-07-27T13:07:00.000-04:00

Big Opie VIII came to Saint Manure from the bad dealership on the rough side of the tracks. He was let go for lack of sales. In other words, Big Opie VIII can't close a door. Maybe it's because he's always whacked out on prescription meds.

When we hired him, Big Opie VIII told the Douchebag that he couldn't pass a drug test because he is on doctor's orders to remain under a self induced coma.

The Douchebag demanded that Big Opie VIII tell him what the doctor prescribed. Though illegal to make this demand, the Douchebag made Big Opie VIII's employment contingent on this disclosure.

Once he got here, Big Opie VIII stood in front of the glass doors, responding occasionally to light and movement of big objects on the street outside. He has sold little.

Comic Book Guy was trying to sell an exceptionally attractive woman her first motorcycle. Big Opie VIII started to talk to her while Comic Book Guy was in the sales office trying to put a deal together on a Honda cruiser.

"I'm so excited about learning to ride," she said.

"I've helped a lot of new riders," replied Big Opie VIII, "You should start out on a sport bike like my Yamaha R1. It was just dynoed and it puts out 162.93 horsepower. I used to be a racer until I hurt my back in a high side at Daytona."

"I'm going to take the course and my friend is going to teach me too,"

"I hope your friend is as good an instructor as I am, because I've had six friends killed on motorcycles in the last few years. Maybe you should go for a ride on the back of my bike first. I used to be racer before I hurt my back."

Big Opie VIII stuck another morphine lollipop in his mouth and watched the woman leave. He was sure she'd be back to see him. They'd talked.

"Where'd my customer go?" asked Comic Book Guy, returning with an approval from the finance company.

"She said she had to go to work," said Big Opie VIII, "I'm going to fuck her when she comes back. She's hot."

Then Big Opie VIII clocked out and went home for a two hour nap and intravenous drip of narcotics.

It's Always Fun Until Somebody Takes Out a Waverunner

2008-07-27T13:06:00.000-04:00

The weather has been downright freaky lately. Freakier than the thoughts that pass through Chicken Little's mind when he creeps past schoolyards in his blacked out van. A storm left the parking lot in front of Saint Manure covered with a layer of hail.
Giant Robot decided this would be a good surface to practice his drift racing skills.
He loaded himself up with medical marijuana, stuck his favorite song from "The Fast and the Furious 2" on his MP3 player, and started drifting back and forth across the parking lot, sliding on the ice.
Onto the ever expanding list of things Giant Robot does not do well can be added Drift Racing.
Somehow, the car got away from him and hit the one waverunner we wheel out on a stand every day. The Waverunner fell over and broke, to put it mildly, and Giant Robot hid his car in the Supermarket parking lot next to Saint Manure and then hid back in Shipping and Receiving.
Though everyone in Sales and Parts saw it happen, nobody thought to inform Chicken Little, nor to identify the culprit.
When Chicken Little saw the damaged Waverunner on it's side leaking oil onto the ice, he ran into his office, locked the door, and called Dickie the Douchebag.
All Dickie caught on tape was was the Waverunner falling into the frame and bouncing a couple times on the parking lot.
Chicken Little asked the employees one by one if they'd seen anything.
"There were two n... black guys in the parking lot a while ago," said Big Opie, sucking on a morphine lollipop, "They do things like this a lot. I'll bet it was cool to watch."

Dickie sent out a memo that parking the waverunner where his video cameras can't watch it is grounds for termination.

Crash

2008-07-27T13:05:00.000-04:00

The Whiner sent Jethro out to pick up a customer's bike. The customer wrecked and wants us to fix it.

The bike looked like it slid about 200 feet down the road on both sides then catapulted ten feet in the air and came down on it's nose.

When he got there, Jethro jumped on the bike, and tried to push it up into the truck. The steering was locked, so the bike turned left and then fell over.

Now the customer is pointing out the damage Jethro did and saying we have to replace all the plastic on the right side of the bike and buy him a new exhaust, or give him $4,000.

Later this afternoon, Dickie the Douchebag sent out a rambling drunken memo from home to all the employees that riding a customer's motorcycle with the steering locked is grounds for termination. Going forward, before Jethro loads a customer's motorcycle in our truck, he has to take eleven different pictures of it first. The angles are clearly laid out in the memo.

Giant Robot

2008-07-27T13:04:00.000-04:00

Giant Robot has a medical marijuana license and wants to sell motorcycles. The combination of backroom breaks for medical purposes and a vocabulary derived from watching too many hip hop videos make it hard for him to understand and be understood. He does connect well with stoned wiggers.
Chicken Little told Giant Robot that he, Chicken Little, will help Giant Robot learn to sell motorcycles. All Giant Robot has to do is have his fingerprints taken and get his salesperson's license.
Giant Robot puts it off and puts it off. Meanwhile, Chicken Little is extremely pleased to help Giant Robot sell bikes. It's not that much work. It's really nothing. There are an awful lot of stoned wiggers in Saint Manure, and Giant Robot's closing technique seems to involve taking them out to see his bike and all the crap he's bolted on it, and then spend half an hour out by the dumpster getting stoned.
Giant Robot is happy selling bikes.
Then payday rolls around, and Chicken Little realizes Giant Robot is not too stoned to figure out that Chicken Little has been stealing half his commissions.

Another Money Saving Idea From Cowtits

2008-07-27T13:03:00.000-04:00

At the start of this month, CowTits® sent out a memo that we are to save all the empty toilet tissue rolls. There is a bag for them in the breakroom, and she has put Jethro in charge of making sure it is used.

CowTits® says the dealership is using too much toilet paper.

This morning, CowTits® brought down a contraption and set it on one of the salesdesks.

It is a device she found on the internet that allows you to take a roll of two ply toilet paper, turn a crank and separate it into two rolls of single ply.

So Jethro and Shakes the salesman spent the morning separating a case of toilet paper into two.

Bike Nite

2008-07-27T13:02:00.000-04:00

We have a bike night now. Instead of holding it at the big bar next door to Saint Manure, we hold it in our parking lot. Occasionally a guy does wheelies up and down the side parking lot. It's like a stunt show, but free.

Dickie the Douchebag decided he doesn't want to hold Bike Night in a place where people want to go and have fun over a couple beers, so we lure them in with free hotdogs and water.

Mondo says that's what they feed prisoners in South America.

CowTits® put up a sign that says you can have a free hotdog if you buy something.

Finanncial Genius

2008-07-27T13:00:00.000-04:00

Chicken Little knows Finance Managers make a lot of money. More than mechanics. So he told the Douchebag that he wants to be the Finance Manager.

Mondo does most of what a Finance Manager does at the dealership, and he was surprised that we don't pull credit reports when we are trying to get people financed.

He told Chicken Little that one of the reasons you need to pull a credit report is so you can argue with the lender that your customer deserves a loan.

"What makes you think you're a credit expert?" asked Chicken Little.

"Don't you call the lender back and try to get an approval?" asked Mondo.

"Yes, and they tell me what's in the credit report. I think they know better than you."

So Dickie made Chicken Little the Finance Manager. Chicken Little promptly put policies in place that violate several Federal and State Statutes.

Dreaming Of a White Chicken

2008-07-27T12:59:00.000-04:00

The Douchebag dreams about Chicken Little.

"I had a dream about you last night", he said to the bandy legged little fellow, "You were in a motorcycle race, and were in first place. The announcer said you were in the lead, and I was yelling for you to win, but you couldn't hear me."

Chicken Little flicked his hair back and put it into a ponytail.

Fallout

2008-07-27T12:56:00.000-04:00

The Monday after we fired the Little Criminal, there was a mad rush of Mexicans clammoring through the doors claiming the Little Criminal had offered them free helmets, boots, goggles and jackets. Many of them claimed to have no loan or contract papers, a couple of brothers said the Little Criminal offered them free winches, and one miserable soul told the Douchebag that he had made his last two payments directly to the Little Criminal and didn't understand why Honda is threatening to repossess his ATVs.

Dickie is concerned, because if word gets out that the Little Criminal was stealing from customers, that might hurt Saint Manure's already piss poor reputation. On the other hand, he remembers hearing the Little Criminal talking Mexican with some of the customers, and can't tell what they were saying, so he is suspicious that the Little Criminal is calling his customers and setting them up to go in and ask for free stuff.

He is.

The Little Criminal also called Comrade Dumbass's stupid girlfriend's father and explained that because Dickie the Douchebag knew he was selling a motorcycle to the Stupid Girlfriend even though she only had a state ID card, that the purchase was a Straw Purchase, and illegal and against the policy of the lender. So in addition to all the free gear we are giving away and restitution we are making for the payments the Little Criminal collected, we may be eating a fairly fucked up Suzuki GSXR600.

What if Giant Robot finds out that instead of being buried in the R6 he wants to get rid of, his girlfriend can just call the lender and tell them that it was also a straw purchase? Until Mondo pointed out to Dickie that straw purchases of motor vehicles are illegal, the Douchebag was happy to ruin young girl's credit so their loser boyfriends could have sportbikes.

The Switch

2008-07-27T12:54:00.000-04:00

Mondo got a call from a nice guy who bought his kids an ATV for Christmas.

"I think the Little Criminal switched papers on me," said the customer, "Is that why he doesn't work there anymore?"

"what do you mean?"

"I bought this quad for my kids for Christmas for $2999, and it included the free extended warranty and tires, and when I got the bill, it was for $7843."

"There is freight and prep, and a doc fee, and taxes."

"I don't think it's that much. That's almost double. There was a problem with my paperwork, so the Little Criminal had me meet him in the parking lot of a Taco Bell to re-sign the contract. I think he switched it then."

"Do you have the original contract?"

"It's somewhere in my garage."

"You should find it."

" I'll look for it, but the bill is due now, and I don't want to pay $7843 for a $2999 ATV. What should I do?"

"Call back and ask to speak to the Douchebag. He's handling all these calls."

Free Candy

2008-07-27T12:48:00.000-04:00

Chicken Little is more than a little creepy. He lives in a van beside the dealership, and eats all his meals in the van. It's a faded Ford Windstar with black tinted windows. Chicken Little buys all his food and clothes at the 99 cent store. He came out of retirement to help his friend out, and likes new salespeople because he can take half their commissions until they figure out what he's doing. By then he has made them so miserable, they quit.The sales department at Saint Manure Motorsports has more than a 400% turnover rate. The Douchebag complains because we can't find people who will both do as he wants them to do, and sell a lot of motorcycles.

Adios, Little Criminal

2008-07-27T12:37:00.000-04:00

While not claiming cowardice, the Douchebag prepared a termination letter for the Little Criminal and handed it to Mondo, then cowered in his office.

Mondo paged the Little Criminal to his office repeatedly.

There was no answer.

Repeatedly.

Having had enough of the suspense, and realizing that he was under close scrutiny by Dickie and Cowtits in the office upstairs, Mondo went out and found the Little Criminal hiding behind a tree in the parking lot, offering a woman who came in to look at scooters a free helmet and riding lessons.
-It's like that?, asked the Little Criminal, looking over the termination letter full of made up charges that would annoy your menopausal aunt.
-Fraid so, said Mondo, "The Douchebag's been building a case for quite a while."
There was a pause.
-and he wants your shirt back, said Mondo.
The Little Criminal took his final check and the termination letter and went out to the parking to make a few phone calls, talk to his co-conspirators still at Saint Manure, and remove his shirt.Lettle did we know that these was just the beginning. There was much the Little Criminal did that needed to be unravelled.

CSBeatdown

2008-06-29T18:02:00.006-04:00

The CSB decided to make things right with Freddie Fife.
Freddie finally got tired of scarfing up salty spunk oysters from her tired old love prune and waking to the heady pickle of sour junkie sweat on his sheets after too many bouts of hot steamy sex that she failed to stay awake during, and unceremoniously dumped her ass by leaving her in the rain in a Lowes parking lot.
The CSB found out Freddie Fife was on a top secret State Highway Patrol mission doing security guard duty at a county fair.
So she showed up and told him that she loved him.
But it came out all wrong, because she was drunk and high on life and vicodin. In order to better state her case, the CSB began to hit Freddie Fife with her fists and scream at him that he is a fucking asshole and a son of a bitch and that she hopes he dies.
This did not go over very well with fairgoers and the people who hired Freddie Fife to keep the peace. Nobody pays good money to see their rent a cop beaten up by a tweaker.
So Freddie Fife did what any experienced law enforcement officer does when assaulted by a stubby foul mouthed ex-girlfriend in public.
Freddie called for backup.
Two security guards came running. When they saw what was going down, they stopped in place and laughed their asses off and called everyone with a walkie talkie over with "Officer needs assistance, you got to see this." Freddie Fife was backed against a fence, the CSB was swinging for the cheap seats, calling him the biggest fucking asshole she'd ever met in her life, screaming at the gathering crowd that he has a small dick and will fuck you over and leave you too, even in the ass. Parents were alarmed, and kids in strollers were laughing at him. So Freddie Fife said, "Quit laughing and get this bitch off me."
The security guards grabbed the CSB by an arm each. Freddie handcuffed the CSB and escorted her to the nearest State Highway Patrol car. Despite Freddie's professional expertise in placing her into the back seat, the CSB managed to attack the hood and rear window at least twice each with her face and the door pillar repeatedly with her forehead until she shut the fuck up.
After three and a half hours of screaming and puking in the back of the car, the CSB calmed down and/or passed out. So Freddie Fife had another officer drive her home and arrange her on her front lawn.
The next morning, which started at 2:37 in the afternoon for the CSB, she staggered into the Lazy K, looking like she'd spent the night suspended in a tree above blindfolded Mexican kids with baseball bats.
The CSB plans to sue for security guard brutality.
Apparently the entire altercation and the aftermath was caught on videotape, and it is quite entertaining to watch and listen to. Will someone please post it on Youtube?

Coming Through

2008-06-25T02:16:00.001-04:00

Famous Nobody, the drag racing moron nobody has ever heard of, decided to drive an ATV through the double glass doors of the service department. So he did. The doors shattered and popped out of their frames.
Famous Nobody walked through the LazyK covered in glass shards, laughing like the Grand Marshall in a one retard parade of Village Idiots, because he's really cool and does neat things like riding a customer's ATV through the service department doors.
The CSB called Famous Nobody a fucking idiot and went back to her computer, where she now trolls Yahoo messenger looking for dates. Star's dumb as bricks Meal Ticket still helps the CSB spell out the big words.
Star wants to fire Famous Nobody, but he's the only mechanic in town who is too incompetent to get a job anywhere else, and from time to time Famous Nobody comes through with happy pills when the CSB is a little tense.
Who's going to tell Old Crusty how the door got broke?

Rumors of Drug Testing

2008-06-23T03:46:00.001-04:00

The wonderful employees at the Lazy K receive a phone call from a reliable source that the Lazy K will soon be drug testing. They have never drug tested before, and it was an unwritten rule that you had to do drugs to get a job there.

Fearless leader calls an emergency meeting bout the problem. Frantically explaining to everyone, that if anyone has a habit, they need to clean it up right away! As the staff looked around at each other, Friar Tuck pipes up “Well, I’d say we are all fired.” Fearless leaders face turned bright red. “This is not a joke!” he barked. Poor Fearless Leader, how will he ever quit smoking weed? He smokes on the way to work, at lunch, on the way home and all night long.

If Lazy K really does drug test they would have to fire their own daughter. “We (the owners) are doing this to save money on our workman’s comp. so all you fuckin crackheads are gonna have to straighten up!!” Prime example of the pot calling the kettle black.
10/6/06

Customer Service

2008-06-20T00:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday a customer bought a small motorcycle for his son. He was told by the CSB that he could pick the bike up between 11 and noon. He came in around a quarter to twelve, with kid in tow.

Star, the assistant manager, was having a discussion with the manufacturer's rep from Suzuki about the Customer Service Index. This is a way of measuring a customer's satisfaction with the sale and the dealership. Ours is surprisingly low. Star had just gone to a three day Suzuki CSI seminar and is gung ho to implement the things he's learned and improve our CSI. Nobody else at the Lazy K wants to implement anything. Fearless Leader says the dealerships that get high CSIs "kiss the customer's ass." And he's not going to kiss anyone's ass. He did enough of that in prison.

So Star is talking to the rep about improving customer satisfaction, and the guy comes in to pick up his son't new motorcycle. It isn't here.

The CSB picks up the phone and calls our warehouse, then starts asking "where's the fucking bike," while the customer, his kid and the manufacturer's rep are nearby. "I ask you to do one fucking thing, and you can't even do that. Get it up here now."

She listens a bit.

"Put the fucking thing together and put it on the truck today."

She listens a bit and slams down the phone, then puts her smile back on. "It will be here later. When would you like to pick it up?"

"When it's here," the customer replies.

"It will be here later this afternoon." She smiles sweetly.

The customer leaves and the CSB turns to the Rhino and starts swearing about the idiots who put the bikes together.

I wonder what the Manufacturer's Rep was thinking.

10/6/06

How the Lazy K keeps customers

2008-06-16T01:31:00.002-04:00

You know how you take a date out and you hope that you can get them drunk enough to lower their inhibitions? Yeah, that's how the Lazy K keeps customers. If the CSB gets messed up enough the prices become lower.
The salespeople know this and take advantage. Especially that lezbo Beans, she tells all her little rug munching friends when to come in and purchase a new bike. Go Dykes on Bikes!

10/5/06

Customer Complaints

2008-06-13T00:46:00.000-04:00

Today a guy who'd had his motorcycle in service for over three weeks just asked the service department to put it back together like it was when he brought it in to be fixed. It was running then, and hasn't since they started working on it.

The customer complained to the CSB and she waited until he left, then called him an asshole and paged Daffy the service writer and told him not to do anything for the asshole, because he was a litigious asshole and would sue us. When he left, she called Daffy an idiot because the service department, lacking basic diagnostic equipment, couldn't fix the asshole's bike.

10/5/06

Bandit Likes Chicken

2008-06-11T03:19:00.003-04:00

Mondo is on the low carb diet again. Yesterday he bought and ate an entire chicken. Maybe he needs to practice portion control.

After devouring the entire chicken, he put the bones and packaging in the trash container behind his desk.

Bandit got into the trash and dragged the chicken carcass through the dealership, eating the bones and growling at the poodle whenever he tried to take a bite. The CSB saw this and went berserk, screaming at Bandit to stop eating the chicken, the poodle to get away from it, and Mondo that if her dog got sick she would kill him.

Mondo wasn't at work yet, because he is always the last one to get there and the first one to leave, so he missed her calling him an asshole, a fucking idiot, and all the other pet names she has for her employees. The CSB went on venting, telling customers what an awful person Mondo was, and making several threats against his life. She got on the phone with her mother and told her what Mondo did, and that if anything happened to her dogs she would kill him and he'd be the one paying the fucking vet bills. In all likelyhood she meant that he would pay the fucking vet bills and then she would kill him. It wouldn't work very well the other way.

Apparently one should assume dogs will rummage through the garbage beside one's desk at work.

Finally, when Mondo showed up, the CSB put on her best insincere smile and asked him to please throw his chicken carcasses in the dumpster. She's like that after the drugs kick in.

Day old chicken quickly passes through a dog, and Bandit spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon leaving big pungent piles of dogcrap in various places throughout the dealership.
10/4/06

It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's Fearless Leader!!!!

2008-06-09T04:34:00.000-04:00

Today Friar Tuck sold a Suzuki DR650. Friar Tuck is a bitter and angry fat man who is happiest making other people miserable. Fearless Leader decided to show the world what an awsome rider he is while taking the bike back to the Service Department for the predelivery inspection. He got on the bike and raced across the parking lot. He raced back in the other direction. He sped up, and there was a loud crash. Fearless Leader hit the liquor store. He came limping back into the dealership complaining that his knee, now the size of a basketball, was bothering him.

The customer was scheduled to take delivery of the bike an hour after the crash. Friar Tuck had to call him and tell him not to come because the bike did not pass the predelivery inspection.

Fearless Leader went around to all the departments and all the employees and entertained them for what seemed like days with a description of the accident, other accidents he'd been in, other accidents he'd heard about people being in and people he'd never met or heard of who may or may not have been in accidents. This went on for a long time. Finally, Fearless Leader went home. Happiness settled over the Lazy K.

But it was shortlived, for Friar Tuck followed behind Fearless Leader, complaining to all who would listen about the lost sale.

The CSB found out Fearless Leader wasn't wearing a helmet. She made all the employees in service sign a statement that they knew they had to wear helmets when they ride customer bikes, under threat of termination. Fearless Leader decided to show up at work stoned out of his mind on pain meds. He started acting even more stupid than usual, so the CSB convinced him to go home.

Once he left, the CSB referred to Fearless Leader throughout the day and during the course of his recuperation as a fucking idiot. He is a fucking idiot, and she called one right for once.

first published 10/3/06

The Poodle Bites

2008-06-06T08:33:00.001-04:00

Today the CSB's poodle bit a little girl. It broke the skin on her wrist. As soon as she started crying, the CSB ran right over and gave her parents a really good deal on an ATV, which pissed the CSB off to no end. As they were leaving, the CSB started saying they were awful parents to let their little girl wander off alone in a store, and that the little girl probably did something to make the poodle bite her.

First published 10/3/06

Taco Dave From AOL

2008-06-04T12:32:00.001-04:00

The CSB has a new boyfriend. They met on AOL. He is 23 years old, of Mexican descent and his family doesn't like the CSB. She went to dinner at their house and passed out at the dinner table into a plate full of enchiladas. Taco Dave's mother is quite proud of her enchiladas and the rest of the family was hungry and didn't want to eat them after the CSB went into them face first when the vicodin kicked in. So they don't like her and think she is bad for their son, the drunk who gets into bar fights and spends a lot of nights in jail. He works for Honda, and that's how they tell people they met. On his profile he has an important job and makes a lot of money. In real life Taco Dave doesn't look like he's doing that well. On her profile the CSB is only 37. In real life she's 48. You can't believe everything you read on the internet. She is screaming less today.
She was screaming less, until she got a letter from a customer threatening to picket the Lazy A if we don't fix his motorcycle. It's been here two months waiting on parts. She checks with Fearless Leader, who goes back to the parts department and discovers the parts haven't been ordered. The asshole customer, for that is his name now, also wrote to the manufacturer and the BBB. Even though she doesn't dare join the BBB, she hates hearing that someone complained. Because she has to hear about it from her mother. Over and over again.
"Baby Hitler, Get up here," she pages the service manager over the PA, "Now!"When he comes up she lays into him about Daffy and Smokey and what idiots they are.It is hard for Paco, the new salesperson, to close a deal at the table he likes so much because it is near the front door when the CSB is screaming at the service manager about what a bunch of fucking idiots his employees are.The more she yells, the louder her dogs bark.
Soon they start to howl. Mr. Moose, who is there feeding the Rhino, starts to howl with the dogs. Paco looks over at her screaming, the dogs howling, and Mr. Moose making them howl even louder. Something bothers him. This is not how they did things at his last job.Taco Dave calls the CSB. He calls her a lot now that he got fired from the manufacturer. She screams at everyone to shut up so she can talk to him. Baby hitler sees an opening and makes his escape, Mr. Moose goes back to feeding the Rhino, and Bandit the border collie goes back to the back of the store and takes another crap on the floor.
First published 10/3/06

SMOKEY GETS SHIT ON

2008-06-02T13:30:00.000-04:00

"Help me lift these jet skis, the customers are gonna be here in two F-ing minutes!" yelled the CSB. Beans, a salesperson, rounds up the under educated and under paid mechanics in service to help with the jet skis. The service crew; Baby Hitler, daffy, smokey and a few other ones that no one knows their name because they just started three days ago, move the 800lbs skis for the CSB's customers.
Smokey, yes you know him, the tall skinny guy in the movie Friday. That's right he "works" and is the "best" mechanic at the dealership. After smoking all day long his eyes are blood shot and almost roll in the back of his head when he appears to be thinking. Don't bother to ask him a question, because you would have to smoke an ounce to understand him.
After moving the jet skis, Smokey heads back to the smoke house (service dept.) Smokey's sight being slim to none, on the account of looking a little Chinese, has a hard time focusing on the tile floor beneath him. Next thing he knows his left foot is sliding out in front of him like he stepped on a banana peel. Before he can even force his eyes wide open, to see what his problem was, his nose told him that he just smeared dog shit everywhere! Making brown footsteps all the way to the restroom, he cleans off his shoe. The whole staff was in tears from laughter. Poor Mr. Moose had to clean up the shitty art work left by smokey and bandit, the dog.
Two days later the health department visited the dealership, to give the CSB a warning. This did not make the CSB happy. As usual when the CSB is having a bad day and there are no maracas to be found, she takes it out on her beloved employees. Secretly she blamed Mondo for the arrival of the health department.
posted by HD_Rep

First published 10/3/06

Fearless Leader Crashes the Company Truck

2008-05-30T13:27:00.000-04:00

Fearless Leader is the store manager. He is a tall, toothless ex-con and former alcoholic, and tries to run the store like he was back in the yard. Unfortunately most people don't want to work in conditions similiar to being in lockdown, so turnover is high.

Somehow or another, Fearless Leader got hold of a big bag of xanax bars and decided to bring them to work, and take a few of them while at work. He figured it would be a nice way to pass the day since the CSB was off. He took a couple and didn't feel anything. Now you have to remember that each bar is scored and you are supposed to break off a section or two and take a normal dose of xanax. A bar is equal to about six doses. So he took a couple more bars. Then he started feeling pretty good and figured a few more bars would make him feel even better. So Fearless Leader sat down at his desk on the showroom floor and decided to let everyone in on how good he was feeling.

He used his cell phone to call Baby Hitler, the service manager, and asking "what you doing?""I'm working," said Baby Hitler, who was indeed working, about twenty yards away from Fearless Leader. About the tenth time he received such a call, Baby Hitler asked Fearless Leader what was wrong with him and then turned off his phone. By this time, Ellie May, the receptionist, realized something was wrong with the Leader of the dealership and convinced Fearless Leader to give her the remainder of the Xanax bars after he took about four more, and told her how beautiful her big tits are.

He really likes her tits, and everyone who was near him needed to know that.A little while later, when there was nobody left to tell how much he liked Ellie May's tits and what sort of noises he would make if he stuck his head between them, Fearless Leader decided to show everyone what a great salesperson he was. He went and stood by the front door and spoke to customers as they entered.

"You don't want that bike," he said, pointing to the Gold Wing by the door, or the door itself, "It's a piece of shit, you want this one," he pointed at a dirtbike or the desk or waved his hand in the air like he forgot how to point, "it's really good, man."

Several customers were treated to his opinion and sales were a bit off that day.At about 6 PM someone had the good sense to get Fearless Leader to go home. He of course insisted on driving himself in the company truck. Somewhere during the course of his journey, he sideswiped a car and continued merrily on his way home.Fearless Leader's wife, the straight bulldyke, called the paramedics because she realized he was acting stranger than usual, and that's pretty hard for Fearless Leader to do.

Somehow Fearless Leader mistook the paramedics for Police Officers, remembered some of the bad experiences he'd had with the Police over the course of his life, and began to fight them. Fortunately enough Xanax to stone an elephant had made him easy to subdue, and the Paramedics strapped him to a board and took him to the hospital, where he eventually made a full recovery and returned to being a simple nutcase.

first published on 10/3/06

All new adventures in Motorcycle Hell at http://saintmanure.blogspot.com

Katana Fest

2008-05-28T22:35:00.001-04:00

To reflect truth in advertising, we have modified a recent Lazy K ad.

LOOK AT THE INCREDIBLE DEALS ON THE Suzuki Katana that they quit making because it is a turd.
We carry Motorcycles, ATV's, Scooters, & Watercraft from lots of companies who wish we didn't.
We have 5 locations to better screw you over.
We "Ride" what we sell and service except none of us actually ride.
We pride ourselves on customer service and fucking you over.
We have an incredible selection of parts and accessories from three years ago.
We have factory trained technicians at all locations who are invisible
BEST DEAL OF THE SEASON! WHILE SUPPLIES LAST! NEW 2006 Suzuki Katana
NO FREIGHT!
NO PREP!
NEW 2006 Suzuki Katana WAS Nine Million Dollars.... NOW ON SALE FOR $29.50 PLUS the highest DOC FEE you can imagine, TAX, TITLE, & TEMP TAG... NO HIDDEN CHARGES! Because we are being sued by the District Attorney right now for putting hidden charges in contracts.

The CSB Chases Down the FedEx Driver

2008-05-26T01:26:00.000-04:00

It's that time of the month for the CSB. Not that time of the month. It's always that that time of the month for the CSB. This time of the month is the time the FedEx driver brings her month's supply of "pain" meds. But where is he? The CSB calls the pharmacy, up in Canada. They give her a tracking number and she screams at the Buddha to get the fuck off the computer. He is running a credit application to see if someone can buy a motorcycle, which is what the company does, sell motorcycles. So the CSB gets online and sees that the delivery has not been made yet, even though it is 10:12 in the morning and the delivery should be there by 10 AM. So she calls FedEx and starts screaming at the customer service rep, demanding that they stop what they are doing, and bring her the package. She really needs that package, and it is after 10. The "fucking bitch" on the other end of the phone explains to the CSB that it is not FedEx policy to drop what they are doing and deliver a package, and assures her that the package will come a little later. As she screams at the FedEx customer service rep, the phone somehow becomes disconnected, causing her to let off a tirade heard by everyone within earshot about those fucking assholes who work for FedEx. She calls FedEx back and is very nice this time, asking if they can tell her where the driver is, so she can go pick up the package in person. Apparently this too is against FedEx policy, because she calls the person on the other end of the line a fucking cunt and slams the phone down hard.

About twenty minutes later the FedEx driver walks in. He stops at the door and shakes the package. Hearing a sound like a maraca, he knows where to take it.

More Motorcycle Madness at http://saintmanure.blogspot.com

First published 10/3/06

The CSB Screams at Mondo

2008-05-24T13:24:00.000-04:00

Today the CSB had a fight with her mother about parking in her parent's driveway while they are away on vacation. So she was a general bitch to everyone who got in her way. Then she went around the store finding people to be a bitch to. She screamed at the Rhino about an ATV that was supposed to be there and wasn't, and called her mother a fucking bitch after hanging up the phone. She told the Rhino and Buddha, the finance manager, that she hopes her mother dies, then, about an hour later, after the meds kicked in, said to them that what she meant is that she hopes her mother dies before her father.

Mondo, one of the salespeople who works for the CSB, was sitting at the office computer, trying to find out if he was enrolled in the Polaris "earn a toaster by selling our crap" program. He realized the Rhino had already signed him up. He was in the process of thanking the Rhino when the CSB screamed for him to "shut the fuck up and get the fuck away from the computer," loud enough to be heard across the store, which is an old supermarket.

First published 10/3/06

The Rhino Loves Mr. Moose

2008-05-23T13:23:00.000-04:00

The office manager is a giant illegal alien from Mexico we fondly refer to as the Rhino, instead of "the incredibly hideous creature of superhuman size and strength." She looks like a sasquatch, but with more bodyhair. After years of bad experiences with men, she decided to become a lesbian. Her new companion is Mr. Moose, a young woman with a bad flattop and cheap tatoos on both arms.

For a while Mr. Moose was working at the Dealership as a janitor, mannish sounding receptionist, and dog shit picker-upper (which is a full time job). Now she works at Walmart, but spends all her free time at the dealership, running out to get fast food to keep the Rhino sleek and shiney, and scratching the Rhino's thick hide. There is nothing more appealing than watching big women stuff themselves with Carls Jr. several times a day. The Rhino calls Mr. Moose "bunny" and Mr. Moose calls the Rhino "bear."

If you are a man and think it would be cool to watch lesbians make out, come in and watch the Rhino and Mr. Moose kiss behind the counter. Strong men lose their lunch and parents usher their kids out of the building.

First published on 10/3/06

Check out http://saintmanure.blogspot.com for your motorcycle hell updates.

The CSB Writes Daffy Up.

2008-05-17T13:20:00.000-04:00

Today the CSB wrote up Daffy the service writer three times in five minutes. She won't fire him, because she doesn't want to pay unemployment, so he continues to make customer's lives hell. He can't go anywhere else and get a job. When customers ask Daffy about his job he tells them "I don't know anything about motorcycles, but I think they are cool and it is fun to work in a motorcycle shop." For some reason the CSB hoped Daffy would quit if he got written up three times in five minutes, but he proved too smart. So she went back a half hour later, after the drugs kicked in, and told him she hopes he is there forever.

She also wrote up Shaggy, the parts manager, because he went to the hospital with his wife while she had an emergency operation instead of coming to work. The CSB told him she wrote him up so he would stay focused on his job.

Yesterday Daffy mounted a customer's tires backwards twice, and scratched the hell out of the rim. But he doesn't care, and the CSB won't fire him.

First published 10/3/06

check out http://saintmanure.blogspot.com/ for more adventures in motorcycle dealership hell.

Moving On Up

2008-05-15T19:18:00.004-04:00

The FSB has left the building. She moved out of her house and into an apartment in the ghetto, so she and her offspring can be near her new boyfriend, Inky. Unlike the CSB, the FSB doesn't like having to drive to score her drugs. So now that she's gone, the Homeless guy gets to move out of the polebarn and live in the big house.

Old Crusty went by the LazyK the other day and had a discussion with the Homeless Guy about his future with the company. The conversation ended with Old Crusty shouting "You haven't earned a paycheck in three years," and storming out.

Meanwhile, Freddie Fife is taking the CSB and the new blonde in his life to the same chicken wing restaurant on different nights of the week.

As you may have noticed, many of the most entertaining characters at the Lazy K have moved on.

We invite you to join some of them, and some new characters at Saint Manure Motorsports.

http://saintmanure.blogspot.com

We hope you enjoy the new store.

Thar She Blows

2008-03-06T02:54:00.003-05:00

Captain Ahab is a big fat miserable fuck. He comes into the Lazy K and starts demanding things, then buys his bikes somewhere else. Everybody has wasted too much time at least once finding out Captain Ahab is completely full of shit. So we ignore him and eventually he goes away. In the real world, Captain Ahab yells at his wife and drives a garbage truck.
We have a Triumph America that we took in trade. It's a nice clean bike he can't afford, and Captain Ahab likes Triumphs.
"I want to take that Triumph on a test ride," he said to Mondo.
"Do you want to buy it?"
"I want to ride it. To see if I like it."
"We don't let people take testrides when it's raining and they're wearing sandals and shorts," replied Mondo, and went back to signing Matt Mladin's name to posters he sells on ebay, "This isn't a petting zoo for grownups."
"I know the CSB, and she lets me ride whatever I want."
"She's not here."
So Captain Ahab wandered back to the parts department and Mondo thought he'd seen the last of him. It was only eleven and the CSB has a new fuck buddy she met at Dollar General, so she rarely shows up before two in the afternoon.
But there had been a fight, or she'd been dumped, because the CSB came staggering in, kicking her fucking dog for stopping in the doorway and yelling at Star to get his fucking ass off the computer and help her carry in the business supplies she'd bought at Big Lots. The supplies were mostly South Beach food and canned peanuts. The CSB is on the Low Carb diet. Not the one that works, the other one that makes you fat. You can tell you're in a place that pays well when the boss buys her food at Big Lots.

Captain Ahab waddled over and complained to the CSB that Mondo wouldn't let him testride a bike.

So the CSB put on her convincing smile, apologized for Mondo's complete lack of professionalism, and let Captain Ahab test ride the Triumph in the rain, wearing flipflops and shorts, and without a helmet.

"Thanks a lot," she said to Mondo, "I had to suck his dick for an hour to make him happy after you told the fat bastard he couldn't ride the goddamn bike."

Repo

2008-02-26T21:40:00.003-05:00

The Meal Ticket has decided that helping Star manage the Lazy K is much more rewarding than putting her Nursing degree to work. She gets to answer the phones, file papers, and help the CSB decide what color to paint her toe nails. She can bring her little dog to work, and watch the Poodle hump it.

Unfortunately, Star went out and spent her money like she was going to be a nurse, so they've got some bills.

Now there's one less. A couple of nice guys from the bank came over and picked up Star's Honda VTX1300.

Yes, we have no Polaris

2008-02-18T06:56:00.002-05:00

Old Crusty and Polaris had a falling out. They want to be paid for their product, and we can't. So Old Crusty did the only reasonable thing a man of his importance in the world of Powersports can do. He watched them repossess their products.

Three big trucks came and loaded all the Polaris ATVs and Victory motorcycles up. Now we have room for all the left over 2006 models we are paying flooring on, and if we get our finances straightened out, plenty of room for new models too.

Star got some lunch time pussy from a girl who came in looking for a scooter, and the CSB is still fucking the only straight guy in Dog Agility. Paco finally caved in and gave her his wife's pregnancy vicodin and the CSB was as nice to him as she is to her mother's dogs until he couldn't get a refill. So he fed Bandit a pair of left over Taco Bell tacos that he forgot were in his desk over the weekend.

Famous Nobody smacked his girlfriend around when she complained that 9.8 seconds is a good time in a drag race, but not in the sack, so there may be an opening in service for 6 to 24 months.

Shhhh, Don't Tell the New Guy

2008-01-23T15:05:00.000-05:00

We've changed the payplan for new salespeople yet again. Instead of hiring and paying competent salespeople, we are going to find idiots that will work for minimum wage and a bonus of between five and eight dollars every time they sell a bike. And they don't have to sell the bikes either. Master Closer Star will be putting the deals together and Paco will be taking care of the financial paperwork.

So far we've tricked one guy into taking the deal. He rides a Kawasaki Concours and apparently can't get a job at McDonalds.

Whatever you do, don't tell him about the commissions and spiffs the salespeople receive under the regular payplan.

Side Business

2007-12-31T13:51:00.000-05:00

Mondo and Baby Hitler have an interesting little side business going on at the Lazy K. When Mondo sells a motorcycle, Baby Hitler charges parts to it that the customer didn't order, want or receive, then they sell the parts on Ebay. Now, everybody gets a free helmet, whether or not they get one, and a lot of Honda Shadow riders are buying power commanders and clutch sets for Hayabusas. Check out those prices on Ebay.

Writing Daffy Up

2007-12-30T16:19:00.000-05:00

This is a repeat of an earlier post.

Today the CSB wrote up Daffy the service writer three times in five minutes. She won't fire him, because she doesn't want to pay unemployment, so he continues to make customer's lives hell. He can't go anywhere else and get a job. When customers ask Daffy about his job he tells them "I don't know anything about motorcycles, but I think they are cool and it is fun to work in a motorcycle shop." For some reason the CSB hoped Daffy would quit if he got written up three times in five minutes, but he proved too smart. So she went back a half hour later, after the drugs kicked in, and told him she hopes he is there forever.

She also wrote up Shaggy, the parts manager, because he went to the hospital with his wife while she had an emergency operation instead of coming to work. The CSB told him she wrote him up so he would stay focused on his job.

Yesterday Daffy mounted a customer's tires backwards twice, and scratched the hell out of the rim. But he doesn't care, and the CSB won't fire him.

You're Approved

2007-11-27T17:06:00.000-05:00

Of the many applicants for the job recently vacated by the Buddha and the shifty guy, the only one who wasn't a figment of the CSB's imagination turned out to be Paco. So Paco got to be the Finance Manager.

Paco believes he knows all about being a Finance manager. He can submit applications and look at credit reports. Granted, watching him try to figure out what he's looking at is like watching a monkey trying to decipher a phone book. It's amusing if your livelyhood doesn't depend on the monkey calling someone.

So someone called the Lazy K from three counties away for one of the internet specials, and Mondo filled out a credit application. He took it to Paco, and that's when the fun began.

We aren't allowed to apply directly for credit anymore without a signed application, so all Paco could do was run a credit report and try to divine if what he read would allow the customer to qualify for a loan.

Paco decided it would.

Paco puffed out his little robin chest, "I can get this guy financed," he said confidently within earshot of the CSB.

So Mondo lured the potential victim into the store.

Three hours later, the victim and his entire family was at the Lazy K, and Paco had a signed application in front of him.

A half hour went by before Paco would admit to everyone that he had no chance in hell of getting the guy a loan, and then we had to listen to the guy rant about the three hours he took to get here, and that gas costs a lot.

"I can't help it if he has bad credit," said Paco, when the guy finally left.

"Tell that fucking idiot not to tell people they're approved until he gets a brain," the CSB said to Star.

Donuts

2007-11-18T18:56:00.000-05:00

Famous Nobody, the drag racing snitch who nobody has ever heard of, can't drive the company truck anymore until the CSB wakes up. Ole Crusty got a phone call from a concerned citizen who saw Famous Nobody in the company pickup doing donuts in the parking lot of a local Baptist church. It had snowed recently, and the tires on the Company pickup are just about bald, and when Famous Nobody came back from retrieving a customer's VTX 1800 that Famous Nobody somehow managed to render inoperable when it came in for an oil change, he bragged about doing donuts with the bike in the back, so maybe Star will fire him.

That's what Ole Crusty told Star to do.

We are waiting for the CSB to wake up and decide if Star should fire Famous Nobody or not.

Peace, Love and Understanding

2007-11-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

Big Jim Slade was on the road, heading as far away from the Lazy K as he could. He'd gotten that new job, and decided to have a little more fun with the inmates at the Lazy K.

Every morning, Big Jim called and asked for the CSB. When he was told the CSB wasn't at the Lazy K yet, Big Jim told the new Fat Bitch who answered the phone that he was returning the CSB's call, and that she had called late the previous night.

The inmates were concerned. Star wondered what would happen to his ability to make payments on the Meal Ticket's many purchases if he returned to being paid what he was worth, instead of being overpaid and still not making what a competent person earns. Paco wondered why he'd been passed over for promotion. He spent the next few days sucking up to the CSB, cleaning the dog shit and piss off the floor and polishing the bikes. Paco considered bringing the CSB some of the Vicodin his wife had left over from the last time she brought a little Paquito into the world.

The big day came when Big Jim called the CSB late enough in the day that she was awake and out of her coma. There was just a hint of drug induced stupor in her voice, as she was trying to straighten out so she could go to dog agility and not lose it and kick Bandit again in front of witnesses.

Big Jim asked the CSB if he got the fax with the job offer. The CSB said she had, but that she has to pass on hiring him.

"We've got 4 candidates for the position now," said the CSB.

Trying not to laugh, Big Jim replied that he was not surprised, considering how well the Lazy K is doing this year.

"We're having our best year ever," replied the CSB, "Making mucho dinero. And there is a lot of interest in working at the Lazy K."

"I'll bet there is. I saw that you're selling a lot of Yamahas."

"Yes, we're all about Peace and Love now, and we're moving to a new store," said the CSB, "No more Drama. I don't like Drama."

"I'll bet you'll do even better in a big new store," said Big Jim, grimacing to keep the laughter building inside from pouring out over the phone.

Free Quads for All the Neighbors

2007-11-01T14:06:00.000-04:00

As Famous Nobody and the rest of the misfits who break customer's bikes were putting away the bikes one night, one of them noticed the lock was missing from the rear gate to the Lazy K.

The Service Department made a thorough inventory in the dark and realized a customer's Polaris ATV was missing. Star and the CSB wanted to get out of here on time, so they decided to call the police the next morning and report the quad stolen.

That morning, the CSB was nowhere to be found. Star called the Mothership and asked the Greedy Old Bitch if he should call the police and report the theft. The GOB told Star to wait until the CSB showed up, and don't tell the fucking customer anything about his unit until we figure out what happened. The CSB showed up later that afternoon, took a nap in the back with Mr. Pill and the Poodle, then regained consciousness and told Star to call the fucking police. When the police got here, we took another inventory and realized there were four ATVs missing. It's hard to see in the dark when you want to go home early.

The CSB told the Service Manager that when customers ask if we've repaired their missing ATVs, he needs to ask if they have fucking insurance, because we are not responsible for god damn units left for repair. then she left for dog agility training.

How do we go so long without missing that stuff?

While Rome Burns

2007-10-30T13:35:00.000-04:00

Yamaha sent out their quarterly report. There are 39 dealerships in the region. When Fearless Leader was the ringmaster, the Lazy K was always one of the top five dealerships in terms of sales in the region.

Now that Mr. Pill and Star are running the show, we've slipped.

How far?

We are 37th.

There are dealers who went out of business two months ago who are selling more Yamahas than we are.

Meanwhile, the CSB is telling everyone that business is better than ever. We're having our best year ever. The Poodle and Mr. Pill are making sound business decisions, and Fearless Leader is making sure all the new bikes we get are scratched and missing parts.

I can feel the love.

Buddha Sighting

2007-10-17T21:09:00.000-04:00

Is this the Buddha? Someone sent us an email saying that since leaving the Lazy K, the Buddha has become a Stunta for Westside Honda.

Ride and Stare

2007-10-16T14:27:00.000-04:00

What if you gave a party and nobody came?

If you've followed the story of the sinking state of the Lazy K, you remember last year when we moved the annual ride and compare event from the height of ATV season to a weekend that didn't interfere with dog show weekend. So even though nobody is in the mood to buy an ATV right now, we have the event anyway.

It was surprisingly warm, hot and humid in fact, and the only people who showed up to ride quads were ex-employees who came to give their kids free hotdogs and let them ride the ATVs on the test track. The FSB was there trying to steal customers from the CSB's store, but nobody showed up, so she spent most of the time on the phone to Inky, her son's future step-dad.

Paco was there, loyal as ever, trying to sell the guy who used to put bikes together and now brought his entire family for quads and dogs. One of the ex-inmates got a sport quad to raise up and fall back on top of himself.

A single mother brought her 13 year old son out to play on the quads, and Mondo decided the best way to pick up on her was to let her kid ride anything he wanted, even if it was age rated for 16 and above.

The CSB was on her best behavior because Old Crusty was sneaking around on an old Kawasaki, until Tarot showed up. Then she disappeared for half a day.

In order to sell more ATVs, Paco started letting customers ignore the demo track and blast up and down the field to the side of the Mother Ship. Soon they were racing and playing tag, and pinging the rev limiter on brand new vehicles. One of the ex-inmates rolled a sport quad and the GOB ran to check that he had signed a release of liability, then put a stop to the fun.

We still have good deals on gently used Demo ATVs.

Pool Of Piss

2007-10-12T12:25:00.000-04:00

I worked at the Lazy K about 9 years ago part-time in sales. I think I was there for 3 months or so because I made like $200.00 for 3 months of work. Anyway, the main point is that a lot of this crap is true. Not sure about the drugs but we had this one dumb fuck that worked at the Lazy K and ran (says he owned) the little carryout in the same parking lot a few feet away. He worked at the Lazy K and the carryout at the same time.. Seriously, he would just run back and forth. What a joke..

Oh yeah, the dogs pissed and shit everywhere! It can't be the same dogs though. I'm sure she has a new set of ugly fucking poodles now. The CSB had a sister that worked at the desk at the time and she wasn't bad back then. I think that has changed as well. We also had a salesman bring in a VHS tape of some chick banging horses that just about everyone (besides myself) proceeded to watch on the showroom floor.

Good for the Soul

2007-10-12T12:24:00.001-04:00

My confession:

Last year I was on Craigslist, and under RNR, someone was ranting about the CSB. Her Myspace link was posted, along with her home phone number, address and the place she works (Not that doing drugs all day is work) I contacted her on Myspace and told her what was going on. (Of course this was long before I got to know her through here) She thanked me profusely, asked if I knew a good lawyer and offered me a job at the Lazy K. I didn't respond, and she spent the next 2 weeks flooding my inbox with job offers and death threats.

The last message she sent was a plea for drugs.

Tools Wielding Tools

2007-10-11T14:57:00.000-04:00

I am resisting the urge to destroy The Lazy K.

I called them today about my Honda scooter. The scooter I bought from them over a year ago. The scooter I dropped off in May for routine maintenance. The last time I dropped off my scooter at the Lazy K, it took them over a month to change the oil. This was because they didn't have the oil filters in stock, and had to order them from Japan. Afterwards, they promised me that this would never happen again.

So I dropped the scooter off in May, thinking that it would be done in a couple of days.

Months later, they tell me that they are still waiting on parts.
In July, I asked the guy if I could just pick it up and bring it back once they have the parts, and he responded, "No, these are pretty important parts. You wouldn't want to do that."

Despite the fact that I drove there without any problems, and never have had problems with my scooter.

I called them today. It has been 6 months since I dropped of the scooter. They tell me it's still waiting on parts. I asked what parts.

"Tools. "

Tools?

"Yes, tools,"

Tools for what?

"To take apart the clutch."

Why the hell do you need to take apart the clutch?

"Our technician says you burned up the clutch."

So all this time, I have been waiting for the dealership to get tools, which they should have had, so they can take something apart that worked fine when I dropped the scooter off.

If you live in Chaos, and you ride anything, never fucking buy from the Lazy K. Ever. Especially if you're planning on buying a Honda.

Lemon Lime

2007-10-09T20:25:00.000-04:00

After two weeks of satisfied ownership, this guy brought his Kawasaki ZX-6 back with a blown engine. Because it was under warranty, we decided to let Famous Nobody try to learn how to fix motorcycles on Kawasaki's dime. After he got the bike to run again, we presented Kawasaki with a bill for $9800 for repairing a bike which retails for $8999. It takes Famous Nobody much longer to make things that don't run work than to break things that run.

Kawasaki rejected the claim, sending back a letter to the effect that a qualified mechanic could rebuild the motor much faster, and a trained monkey once did the job for $4500.

"That little fucking hobbit better get this fucking claim paid," said the CSB, referring to the manufacturer's rep from Kawasaki, who resembles an elf much more than a hobbit, "Or I'll pull all his goddamn bikes off the fucking showroom floor."

The CSB has told everyone that she hates the little fucking hobbit, and that he has had sex on several occasions with Trixie, the owner of Skank Powersports, our major competitor. The CSB hates the little fellow. Almost as much as she hates Trixie. One of the few happy days in the CSB's life was hearing that Trixie had hurt herself falling off a horse. The CSB called everyone and gloated when that happened.

So Kawasaki and their little fucking hobbit stood their ground, and the CSB told Famous Nobody that because we haven't been paid for the job yet, we can't pay him. Star was hoping Famous Nobody would quit over that, because Star wants Famous Nobody to go away, but he's afraid to fire him. Unfortunately, Famous Nobody is too smart to leave until he has another job, so Famous Nobody will be here forever.

They towed the ZX-6 in this morning. The motor blew up again.

The CSB's Ex Has Questions

2007-10-05T01:30:00.000-04:00

One of the CSB's ex-husbands, Dave-A-Roni, has decided to come to her defense. Dave-A-Roni put down the crack pipe long enough to send us another email.

"lester" I push the issue, who are you?? Are you still afraid to give your identity? Even if you expose yourself you are intelligent enough to talk your way into keeping your job.right??? What gives tough guy???
Ciao,
Dave-A-Roni

Apparently David Roney's crack IT Dept is not very good at finding people.

Stirring the Maggots Nest

2007-10-03T01:46:00.001-04:00

Big Jim Slade, former linebacker for the Kansas City Chiefs, worked at the Lazy K for a few years. He did well, and was one of their top salespeople. For this, the other inmates did all they could to make his life miserable. He made enough money so he could leave and spend winters in the South Pacific while Paco got his tongue stuck to a pole out in front of the Lazy K during an ice storm.

Finally Big Jim Slade had enough, so he put his resume on the internet and got a job offer from the competent dealership down the road. They treated Big Jim well, he made the owners a lot of money, and then another dealer called Big Jim and offered him a job managing a large dealership across the country. His compensation package was going to be about triple what the CSB makes every year, and about twice what Baby Hitler manages to steal from the Lazy K by charging parts to sold bikes.

The CSB had been calling Big Jim Slade on a regular basis since he left, asking if he wanted to come back and whether his doctor was still giving him painkillers. Star said that if Big Jim Slade ever came back, he'd punch him in the nose. The CSB just happened to call Big Jim the day after he got his really big job offer. He told her about it, so the CSB said she would match it. She sounded pretty out of it and kept asking him to repeat the terms of the offer while she wrote it down. Big Jim Slade said he'd fax over a copy of his offer.

Then Big Jim Slade waited.

A couple days later, Paco called and told Big Jim Slade that the CSB had taken off. Freddie Fife was qualifying at the shooting range and calling the Lazy K frantically looking for her between rounds. The CSB knew Freddie couldn't get away to stalk her and catch her cheating, so she had snuck off with Taco Dave for some sweaty pill fueled pig sex.

Big Jim Slade faxed over his offer letter with a note to the CSB that it was what they had discussed and that if she could match it, he would come in and get rid of all the misfits, as they had agreed.

Star read the letter and told everyone who listened that if Big Jim Slade steps foot in the Lazy K, he's throwing his keys down and storming out. Later that night, Freddie Fife complained that the CSBeaver smelled and oozed like a runny French cheese. But he ate it anyway.

David Roney Sets the Record Straight

2007-09-28T23:34:00.000-04:00

His personal IT Dept once again showed Dave-A-Roni how to log onto the internet. He feels compelled to send us the following, striking fear into our hearts that his mighty IT Dept will hunt us down and send us links to Canadian pharmacies.

"Hello again"Lester" . While you and the rest of the people who respond to your blog now know who I am, who my friend are you? Could you possibly have the nuts to reveal your real name? Probably not.
As far as the questions posed from the fellow readers.....

#1.No, I am not Mondo
#2 Fife, whoever he may be need not worry. I have not had contact with (csb) for some time now.Since 01 to be exact.

My reason for writing in the first place is to respond to the slanderous accusations that have been directed towards the (csb) and her family.
While I really do not expect any of you to read this with an open mind, I felt that another voice should be heard.This will be my last correspondence to you "Lester" and all the rest.Judge not.......

P.S. Do not post with my name, My IT Dept will find you."

A New Home for the Terminally Bewildered

2007-09-28T12:55:00.000-04:00

Ol' Crusty came in and took Star over to see the building the Lazy K wants to move to. Star was excited because Ol' Crusty let him sit in the front. It used to be a Sears store, and we should be able to put in a service department. Of course we will still have the same high quality personnel, so your bike will just get fucked up in a nicer environment. And the bikes will still spend all winter outside before they are trucked and scratched on their way to the new space.

But the dogs will have more places to shit and piss on the floor, and Taco Dave will be able to discreetly enter from the back. Lately Freddie Fife has been stalking the CSB, trying to catch her with Taco Dave, Tarot, or one of the guys from Craigslist who sends her dick pics. He's counting the sponges, and they are disappearing a little faster than Freddie thinks they should.

While Ol' Crusty had Star at the new store, the CSB asked Mondo and Paco if either of them would like to be the Sales Manager at the new place.

A Note From David Roney, dkr68@yahoo.com

2007-09-26T00:46:00.000-04:00

We found this letter thumbtacked to Mom's basement and felt it warranted it's own post. Congratulations, David Roney, you made the (cut). We are sensing the love, and would love to call and write you or show up at your work for a circle jerk. Are you related to Rice-a, of the San Francisco Roneys?

"fucking scumbag!

Have you ever at one point thought that because of (csb) and the rest of the (lazy k) family you have a job to go to every day? Of course you don't because you are a selfish piece of shit and a true coward I might add! You sit there typing on your computer in your mom's basement alone wondering what it would be like to actually have a successful life. While I would admit that even a little pin-dick like you can come up with some pretty amusing sentence structure, you will always just be a lonely little blogging puss who really does not ever have a chance in this lifetime or any other to make something of yourself.As far as the (csb) and her family are concerned,you will never be able to understand all of the sacrifices and all of the pains that this family has went through to make the (lazy K) a profitable and successful place for people like you to work.But, then again, this would be way too much for a selfish sad little prick like you to understand. Good luck in your future accomplishments as a welfare recepient, you will soon be exposed and unemployed. By the way. I challenge you to put this in your blog. Fucking loser.Hey Csb............TMD"

All You Gotta Do Is Wait

2007-09-25T01:13:00.000-04:00

We sold a bike to a Whiner from Whinerville. Whinerville is about 20 miles north of the Lazy K, and the Whiner who bought the bike from us had done his research online, called all the local dealers, and came to us because we were the second cheapest and it would cost an additional $16.42 in gas to go to the place where the bike was $10 cheaper. He bought an extended warranty, and did more research online before deciding to take the bike anywhere else but the Lazy K when it needed repair.

The CSB found a new way to make even more money selling extended warranties. She sells them, then keeps the money. So when the Whiner went to get his bike fixed, there was no record at Kawasaki that he had bought the extended warranty.

Competent Motorsports refused to fix the Whiner's bike for free, so he returned to the Lazy K to resolve the issue.

The Whiner drove all the way down to the Lazy K on the day when Star was off and the CSB decided not to show up. He wanted to resolve things, because he wasn't going to drive all the way down again. He kept repeating that. "I'm not going to drive all the way back down here again,"

He wanted action now. The Whiner went up to each of the employees and asked to have the situation resolved. Everyone said the same thing. Nobody here can take care of this.

"I need closure on this, I don't want to drive all the way down again."

Finally, Mondo had enough of the Whiner shadowing him, so he pointed to a chair and said, "You can take a seat if you want, and someone will be with you tomorrow."

The Whiner sat down, then thought about it and left.

PSA

2007-09-21T06:16:00.000-04:00

Attention victims and other customers of the Lazy K

You may be part of a "pervasive company-wide pattern of fraud, deceit and deception" perpetrated by the CSB, the GOB, the Homeless Guy, his fat sneaky wife and all the wonderful characters you've grown to know and loath via this blog.

If you have bought anything from the Lazy K in the past 5 years, you are probably a victim of fraud. Right now there is a lawsuit against them, they are in court, and you may be entitled to a refund of all the bogus charges or the inflated prices they were sneaking on bills of sale this season after the customer signed and agreed to a different figure, instead of breaking out freight and prep like they did the years previous.

Check your bill of sale. If your bill of sale says you paid more than the MSRP or the discounted price you agreed to pay, you were defrauded. Some victims were taken for more than $1500 this way by Old Crusty and his co-conspirators.

No matter what Star told you when you bought the bike, the Lazy K did not have to add those charges into the price to get Suzuki to finance you.

Contact the District Attorney today to get your money back.

If you are not yourself a victim of the Lazy K, but know someone who is, please advise them to contact the District Attorney.

Get that money and take your bike to the new dealer in town to fix your bike right.

Will fraud convictions be grounds for the manufacturers to cancel their franchise agreements?

"Now stealing at all five Lazy K locations!"

You Meet the Dumbest People Fixing Hondas

2007-09-18T09:48:00.001-04:00

A guy brought his Honda Shadow into the Lazy K because the differential was whining. Famous Nobody the Drag Racing Snitch Nobody Has Ever Heard Of gave it a road test and told the owner that they all whine like that.

The differential exploded three days later, sending shards of metal through the case and 90 weight oil all over the rear wheel and tire.

Famous Nobody thought he repaired it and sent the customer on his way.

Two weeks later, the differential blew up again.

Famous Nobody laughed when they brought the Honda back into be fixed again. The Owner complained to Honda. They sent the Regional Service Manager over to figure out why Famous Nobody can't fix things so they stay fixed.

After spending the afternoon with Famous Nobody trying to figure out how he could repeatedly fuck things up so bad, the Regional Service Manager came to the conclusion that Famous Nobody would win The Biggest Loser if the show was about Losers. He wrote in his report that Famous Nobody is not qualified to put bicycles together for Wal-Mart, watching Famous Nobody work is like watching a monkey try to open a suitcase and the repair facilities at the Lazy K are worse than those found in a grass hut on the side of the road in a Third World country.

I'll bet Famous Nobody hit his girlfriend again over this. The rest of his life is a total failure, but at least he can still beat her up.

Hysterical Perspective

2007-09-13T22:56:00.000-04:00

Because she feels at times that we portray her unfairly in the blog, the CSB has decided to update the Rhino and our readers as to how things are going in her happy little world. I think most people will agree after reading her latest missive that the CSB is a real catch, and that Freddie Fife, Taco Dave, the guy in Parts with the pills and Tarot the denim clad creep are very lucky indeed.

"Rhino We made much,much, MUCHO more money this season. Hummmm I think we cut the fat worked harded. and got rid of some over paid fat lazy people. Change is good! Our new staff is awesome. All reps have mentioned to me what a much more organzied pleasant place this is. So I say out with the OLD and in with the NEW..YEE-HAW I'm pretty smart for a backward hilly billy. Not bad looking, a bod that rocks and a full bank account. not to mention the 2ct rock on my finger. I'd say life is great. happy happy loving life! Thanks for getting us out of your drama world countless DUIs, b/f running over you with the van, stick in the leg, month stay aat a mental hospital. Good God girl you have issues. Try the 12 step program. I would think sit on your giant butt all day isn't helping. What are you up to now 500-550lbs? have a nice life cow eyes......love ya man but GET HELP SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

Rooting around between her legs, the CSB could take out Weavepole Dave's sister's pancreas with that nose of hers. It's growing like Jack's beanstalk. Everybody has quit, there is no new staff, the place is an absolute shithole, and we are sitting on rusty new bikes made in 2004 and stored outside ever since. She lies like a cheap carpet.

The CSB imagines herself to be a larger than life historical figure. Catherine the Great with a poodle instead of a horse, or Mae West if Mae ran her father's motorcycle shop and bought all her food at Odd Lots. That's how you know you are a success, when you buy your food at Big Lots and can't spring for the name brands at the Dollar General.

Speaking of nasty cracks, the FSB is still smoking tarpole while the Homeless Guy tries to find new ways to fuck over the employees.

Juan Capistrano, the new F & I guy, didn't just quit, he fled the scene and took his name off every contract he could on his way out so he won't be one of the defendants when the shit hits the fan. We can't sell bikes because there is nobody to do paperwork at the Lazy K. So the big surly fat girl from the East side came in to to clean things up and help us deliver some fucking bikes. She spent the entire day bitching about what we've done, and trying to uncover Juan Capistrano's tracks. In short, she did nothing while Baby Hitler tried to figure out why the parts department is so fucked up since he left.

Before he fled the jurisdiction, Juan Capistrano delivered 23 bikes that never got financed. That means 23 people are riding bikes for free. We sold some of their trades already. Star says it's bad, and that he won't let the Buddha come back to make things right because the Buddha just sat there and watched it happen after the CSB replaced him one afternoon with someone who couldn't do the job. So why doesn't Star sort out the paperwork and get these bikes financed? He's the manager, managers know how to do this.

Hey Freddie, where was the CSB today? With a customer? Yea, right... Was that clam a little salty? I know. More to follow.

As I Lay Lying

2007-09-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

We are pleased to announce the arrival of a new writer, who wishes to remain anonymous. Last night, after the bars closed, we received the following story, sent in excerpts from about 2:15 to 4:00 AM. Makes for an interesting, if not quite compelling read, and I especially appreciate the Faulkneresque employment of stream of consciousness.

Hopefully we will receive more great stories from this person, and she will send us her email address so we can add her to our stable of writers.

Any guesses as to authorship? My bets are on Tits Ahoy, the Meal Ticket and everyone's favorite user of misspelled words, the Lovable Old CSB.

"I have to say I am getting sick of all the b/s about the CSB.SO WHAT SHE DOES PILLS!Same shit! It's getting old!Let's post something new!!!! How about.....

The CSB... She struggles with a company of total season! Yeah well who wouldn't? If you sold mosquito nets, do you really think you would make a profit in the winter? I really use to be with this BLOG, an think is was great,But now I want to make the people out there that just read the words an wait for more, maybe appreciate THE AUTHOR.

Well let me see if I can remember the story. The Buddha aka budha or budisim or whatever the fuck it is you use.He sat behind the finance desk, always having a smile on his face,never to hurt anyone.Of course what man/woman would want to hurt a soul when thier life is being ripped out of their daughter or son? Could you imagine working, knowing that one day you might get the call that the one you love is gone? NO! I honestly don't think anyone on this BLOG could understand the pain this man went through If you ask me?(which NO ONE has,thank god)I would say this man has as many values as a goverment official.He may have not laid his life on the line, took gunfire upon himself or been behind enemy lines,But this man took his only chance on a company willing to save a life.A life that he didn't ask to be given,but chose to take.You may hate the company and what its about,an who its involved with,but at who's exspense are you costing.

Let Me See If I Can Remember!!
STAR! Everyone wants to hear a story about STAR, well here it is,
When I first met star I honestly thought he was gay!BUT!!! I realized his "mojo".This guy has it,he has figured it out,an I LOVE IT!All straight women flock to a gay man asking stupid questions, that no straight man would answer. Am I fat? Do you think I'm sexy?Do you want me?WHY ARE ALL THE GOODMEN GAY???? BOOM!!! Well hello i'm not gay!Your not? NO! But you told me I was fat? Well bitch you are! But a few more, an AWWW you'll still be FAT!! But what the fuck.If your still here at the end of the night I'll call u a cab/an pay! Depending on how drunk I am.Maybe i'll take you home with me.If your cute when i'm sober!Is she cute? Ohhh fuck IT pussy is PUSSY!!!"

Stripper

2007-09-11T11:21:00.000-04:00

The new Concours is mulletbait. We stuck it in front of Paco's desk, now that he's back and needs to talk to all the weirdos. The best opening line when you find someone on his knees peering under the bike is, "What model BMW do you ride?"

A woman came back with her Harley gear clad husband to look at the Suzuki S40 she's thinking of trading up to. He has a VTX1800 that he bought for $7,998 when Honda was having a fire sale on those ponderous pieces of crap, and loaded with $8,000 worth of bright and shiny trinkets so it looks like a two wheeled disco ball. He likes to tell everyone in the bike store that people have asked him what model Harley he rides. Maybe if all his clothes and the do-rag he wears didn't say Harley Davidson, he wouldn't confuse people and then make them think he's an idiot when he confesses to riding a Honda.

The Honda Davidson rider asked Mondo if we would lay the bike on it's side so his wife could try to pick it up. Mondo asked if he could lay the VTX1800 over and try to pick it up first. The guy looked at Mondo like he was insane, then asked to speak to the manager.

The CSB was running her dogs and her mother's dogs through the weavepoles, so Mondo pointed at her and told the guy to go talk to her.

The CSB said it would be fine, so the Honda Davidson rider laid the bike over and we watched as oil and gasoline ran out of the bike. She couldn't pick it up. After they left, the CSB started screaming for someone to clean up the fucking mess before her dogs got poisoned.

Across town, we've got another interesting service issue. One of the $7 an hour technicians stripped a bolt out of the frame of a customer's Suzuki C50. For some reason, the only way to fix this is to replace the frame, and the Homeless Guy wants the technician who stripped the bolt to pay for a new frame. The customer's bike remains in service until the $7 an hour technician earns enough to buy a new frame. So the customer is without a bike and the Homeless Guy is withholding the technician's paychecks. Is this legal?

Can we all just get along

2007-09-10T20:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome, my curious sisters and brothers first, put a twenty in the jar with the others(that's right take a seat)ain't no smokin in here, I need to keep my ball clear there spirits in there (what's your future, someone gonna shoot ya)will you get your girlfriend back, as if I know that I can only tell you where your soul is headedand will remain eternally embedded, the rest forget it life is nothin but a test to clear did you have a heart while you where here and was it sincere?Your still unravelling your future right now what kinda person are ya bro, oh, well there you go you control your own muthafuckin' destiny I aint lettin' the devil get the best of me(I'm gonna make it into Shangri-La) golden walls what's up with you check your own crystal balls Lookin my crystal ball its allright Layback, evolve, and I'll be alright lookin in my crystal ball I'm seein' thugs both catchin' and firein' slugs(paper for drugs) I see a man waiting on block cheese in my lawn tryin to be strong(its the same old song)but when I look into everybody's faces(smile) there soul is headed other places and they ain't worried about payin them dues down here(because they mothafuckin future is crystal clear)the focus switches to you and it ain't good all mad cause someone rolls up into the neighborhood check yourself if judgement was passed, yo, you be in hell(right up the ass-hole) the haten will get ya if ya let it pack your speedo's I hear its hot where you headed I'm trying to tell ya now (when the grim reaper calls)you don't wanna be asked out grippin' your crystal balls! Look into my crystal ball its all black and everybody's frozen in time front to back their controlled by the matrix of mind, body and soul and I'm branded by the system of carnival freekshow I see the fame analyse cause nothin is the skies its the same as seein the death in the demons eyes I'm high in my sites, from the truth of my crystal ball believe me when I say we comin for all of ya'll look deep into my crystal ball see the dead smokin on trees and drinking alcohol underneath the street beneath the concrete if you listen to the night you can hear my heart beat encased in glass for the whole world to see am I inside, or is the crystal ball inside of me.

Mr. Pill Comes A Calling

2007-09-07T06:59:00.000-04:00

Did anyone else get a call from the CSB last night? She was fine until about 4:00, then she started drooling and reading the blog at work.

So the CSB can't spell worth a damn, but she has learned how to turn off the caps key.

Then she called the Rhino and told her the health insurance is better, and that business is better than ever, and asked her to come back to work. Life for the CSB has been pretty lonely since the Rhino left. There is nobody to share dick pics from craigslist with or cover for the CSB when she takes her 3 hour lunches at the White Swallow buffet. The Meal Ticket is nice, if a little dumb, and absent of personality, and the new fat girl just sits and does nothing. It sucks to be without a paid friend.

Then the CSB called Beans. Beans thought it was one of those calls recovering addicts make to apologize for everything they've done, because of how nice the CSB was to the Rhino.

But the CSB tore into Beans, and told her what an awful person she is for starting the blog.

Then the CSB called a person of interest that she feels bears responsibility for the blog and asked him to "call a truce and give the blog a rest."

The CSB alleges she hasn't read the blog for four months and is having the best year she's ever had. Business is so good that the Lazy K is moving into another hole in the wall. But the CSB is mad because her photo, address, phone number and social security number are on the blog. She is sure she saw it there somewhere. She was completely fucked up and on her way to Freddie Fife's house.

About two hours later, more comments appeared on the blog. They were well spelled, but exhibiting the usual absense from reality.

Does Freddie help the CSB make comments after he fucks her, to shut her up, or before, so she'll shut the fuck up and spread her chubby little thighs?

And why is a veteran law enforcement official associating with a drug addict anyway? Maybe a story about a true incident where Stuper Trooper Fife tried to get a woman to leave her date and go out with him might be in order. He's all class, that Fife.

Floaters

2007-09-06T09:02:00.000-04:00

A guy decided to sell the Waverunner he bought at the Lazy K. He wanted to buy a boat. He told the buyer that the speedometer was broken, so he'll take it to the Lazy K and get it fixed under warranty. He took a deposit on the waverunner and took it in to be fixed. The Homeless Guy told the seller it would take about a week.

Three weeks went by, without a word from the Lazy K. The seller called and was told his Waverunner was taken to the mother ship, because that's where Fearless Leader has assembled the topnotch crew of Waverunner repairmen.

The buyer wanted to back out and get his deposit back. The seller said he'd go get the waverunner and drive it up to Detroit, quite a distance from the Lazy K, in order to make the buyer happy.

The Seller drove to the Mother Ship and got his waverunner, then drove to Detroit. The Buyer was happy until they tried to transfer the waverunner to the buyer's trailer. The whole bottom of the Waverunner was busted out. The nozzle was hanging off the bottom of the boat. It looked like the Waverunner had been dropped from about 10 feet in the air.

The seller called the Homeless Guy to bitch about the Lazy K destroying his Waverunner and was told that he should have inspected the bottom of the boat before he left, and that it could have been dropped anytime. So of course the Lazy K is not responsible.

The Homeless guy did the buyer a favor though by selling him the last old Yamaha boat we had marked down to $14,999 for $22,000.

I wonder if the speedometer works.

Weavepoles

2007-08-31T07:00:00.000-04:00

The CSB has been rather distraught lately. Freddie is showing all the too familiar signs of wanting to escape as he has come to realize he is just another nice guy who met a crazy on myspace.

To the CSB, their relationship has an all too familiar refrain, as he tries to pull away without provoking her into a pschotic episode then realizes at the end that that doesn't matter, what matters is putting some distance between himself and this fucking nutcase. This is twisting the CSB even tighter, because she doesn't understand how someone can go from "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you," on myspace before you've even met each other to "I don't need the drama," and telling his friends at work the CSB would benefit from longterm psychiatric care.

In deference to the CSB, Freddie has stuck around long after realizing she is still involved with Mr. Pill, and several "ex" boyfriends, fuckbuddies, guys she meets at motorcycle events and fucks, guys at the Lazy K she blows for drugs, the only straight guy in dog agility, and guys with dick pics on craigslist. So the CSB may be justified in feeling like Freddie led her on.

The CSB is so distraught over the thought of being alone once again that she didn't even fire the parts guy who refused to mow her lawn, saying it wasn't part of his job description. She did make him repair the weavepoles Weavepole Dave made, and thought, "maybe I'll call Weavepole Dave. I wonder what he's up to."

Weavepole Dave is still up to thinking the CSB is someone to be avoided.

Needless to say, Mr. Pill has been helping the CSB get through this crisis.

Last night, one of the technicians saw the CSB wandering down the freeway at about 45 miles an hour, cross two lanes and ride the shoulder down the exit ramp, run a red light and come to a stop in the middle of the road then back up onto the freeway again because she got lost on the way home and taken the wrong exit.

Ealy on, when things were wonderful and she was the hottest woman he'd ever met in his life, Freddie and the CSB talked at length about getting a Russian Terrier together.

Can you imagine how fucked up that mutt would be?

The Serious Rider

2007-08-29T09:55:00.000-04:00

Mondo took the call. It was from a guy who wanted to know if we allow test rides.

"What do you want to ride?"

The guy was a Serious Rider. He had a list. The Serious Rider told Mondo he was preparing for the Ironbutt Rally, 11,000 miles of two wheeled intensity in 11 days, and wanted to evaluate the Honda ST1300, the Yamaha FJR1300 and the new Kawasaki Concours. He asked if we had the bikes in stock, and said he wanted to take them each out for about 100 miles, to put them through their paces. Mondo asked him to read off his list again, then said he'd go check. Mondo put the Serious Rider on hold and went back to feeding Bandit cookies covered in margarine.

After twenty minutes, the Serious Rider called back. Some idiot had left him on hold while they were checking inventory, and he wanted to complain to a supervisor. Mondo put him on hold and then got back on, pretending to be a slow talking West Virginia hillbilly with the IQ of a stick/manager. The Serious Rider went through his speech again about the Iron Butt Rally, and how important he is in the world of long distance riding, and asked again if we have the bikes in stock, because he lives far away and no dealer around him has them, especially the new Concours, and will let him ride, and somehow or another Honda has the Lazy K listed as a testride center on their website.

"I'm looking at 'em all right now," said Billy Ray, the friendly but simple minded manager, "Come on in and I'll make sure you get to ride them as long as it takes for you to make up your mind. When are you going to be buying a bike?"

"Right now I just want to ride everything, and if I think one is better than the BMW, I'll buy it from whomever gives me the best price. I will give you a chance to earn my business, but there's a local dealer I do business with, and you'd have to beat his price by a substantial sum to justify making a second trip out."

"Sounds pretty good. Why don't y'all ride them at that there place then?" asked Billy Ray, Mondo's hillbilly alter-ego.

"My local dealer doesn't have floor these models. In fact, you're the only dealership I've found that has the new Concours in stock."

That should have been a clue.

"Yep, we just got six of them. Both colors. Come on in and do y'all some ridin'."

The Serious Rider was coming from four states over, and couldn't make it in until Wednesday. Wednesday is Paco's day off.

"Y'all make sure you ask for Paco," said Billy Ray, "We'll get y'all hooked up with some test rides."

"That's not the guy who hung up on me, is he? I don't want to deal with that guy again. He's a jerk."

Wednesday morning rolls around and there's the Serious Rider waiting in the parking lot for the Lazy K to open. He has been there since 8 AM, because that's when he's sure the manager told him the Lazy K opens. So he's had two hours to peek through the windows and not see any of the bikes he's ridden his gadget laden BMW across four states to spend the entire day evaluating.

We don't stock them because they don't sell and when they do, it's to know it alls who will fly across country to save $100, because of the principal of the thing.

The Serious Rider walked through the Lazy K, purposeful, looking for the bikes he's come to ride. When he didn't see them, he approached Mondo, who was busy feeding Bandit bones and skin from a chicken he'd bought on Monday.

"Is Paco here?"

"Day off."

"I made an appointment to evaluate some models, and I don't see them here. Is there somewhere else they might be?"

"We don't do test rides."

The Serious Rider explained what an important person he is, how far he'd come, and became quite antagonistic. He told Mondo that he is the moderator of a group of very important BMW riders and that he's pretty sure the Lazy K doesn't want to get a bad reputation on the internet, especially amongst a group of riders who don't ride what we sell and are a pain in the ass to deal with when they order the wrong parts for something old they bought off a neighbor.

"You can talk to the manager. He's over there."

Mondo pointed at Star then went back to reading a Weekly World News story about Bat Boy.

The Serious Rider told Star he was pretty upset with the level of service he'd received at the Lazy K. He wanted us to pay for his gasoline and trip expenses because he'd ridden a long way after the manager told him we have the bikes in stock and he could take them out and ride the piss out of them.

"I'm the manager, and I don't know what you are talking about. We don't allow test rides, especially to people who tell us they have no intention of buying a bike from us. That would be stupid on our part, wouldn't it?"

The Serious Rider explained how serious a rider he is, and that he was going to send emails to Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki and the Better Business Bureau. He was going to post bad things about the Lazy K on the Internet. He demanded to talk to the other manager, the one with the Hillbilly accent named Paco.

Star said there was no other manager, so the Serious Rider wanted to talk to the owner.

The CSB evaluated the Serious Rider as a possible sperm donor while he rambled on about the low quality of customer service he'd received up to that point, but decided his dick was probably too small to be of much use to her. And he whines. The CSB told the Serious Rider that the test ride manager is the Poodle.

"The Poodle says that if you sign a release and wear a helmet, you can ride an ATV in the parking lot."

On his way out, the Serious Rider threatened to sue the Lazy K for the cost of his trip.

"It's good practice for the Iron Butt Rally," said Mondo.

Star said that if he figures out who told the Serious Rider he could test ride a lot of bikes, he will fire that person. He made us all sign a memo that we know the Lazy K does not allow test rides, even though the CSB let a fat guy in shorts and sandals ride a VTX1800 in the rain yesterday.

The BBB, Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki forwarded us emails from the Serious Rider stating that because of how we'd treated him at the Lazy K, the Serious Rider had bought a 2007 BMW R1200 RT-P, with a link to a website showing that he'd managed to attach every bright and shiny doodad and geegaw in all the BMW accessory catalogs combined to the damn bike. He further stated that he would never do business with the Lazy K again and was going to post negative things about the Lazy K on every website he could. And he asked Honda, Yamaha and Kawasaki to reimburse him for his gas and travel expenses.

We were quite amused to learn that the final drive of the Serious Rider's perfect BMW exploded in Canada, leaving him looking at all his bright and shiny accessories twinkling cheerily in the twilight, telling him where he was and that he'd stopped moving.

We hope Bat Boy gets him.

Don't Piss Off the Trolls

2007-08-28T00:17:00.000-04:00

At the mother ship, where the bikes are shipped and assembled before making their ways to the respective Lazy Ks, Fearless Leader runs a tight ship. He finds trolls, little tatooed people with an assortment of facial and other piercings, unfit to be seen by the public, who can't get a job anywhere else and think working with motorcycles is cool, and pays them $7 an hour to hide in the back and unpack the motorcycles, put the wheels on, and ship them to the various Lazy Ks.

Fearless Leader is an asshole and nobody likes working for him. He is such a dick that the CSB got rid of him, the Lazy K went completely to shit, and they still won't ask him to step in and save the place again by restoring verbal beatdowns and giving the CSB another 28 day vacation.

One little troll finally had enough of Fearless Leader, so he jumped over the fence and drove the forklift into 67 crated motorcycles after work Saturday. Then he knocked over two rows of assembled bikes that were left to age in the sun and rain since last fall. The Crusty Clan spent Monday trying to figure out which little troll hates the Lazy K the most and who left the key in the forklift, so the GOB, (Greedy Old Bitch) can fire him from his $7 an hour job and make sure he never works in this industry again, and have narrowed it down to everyone who works with Fearless Leader. There are a lot of suspects, and Fearless Leader is interrogating all of them.

Old Crusty is shocked and hurt that anyone would want to harm his beloved Lazy K.

All the little trolls and most of the employees at the Mother Ship think it's pretty funny. And it's going to be a while before we get bikes again at any of the stores.

Doggie Beatdown

2007-08-23T08:51:00.000-04:00

The CSB has been stumbling around a lot lately, on the rare day she shows up for work. When she gets to work, she has a lot of trouble coming through the double doors with both dogs barking and yapping on leashes and her 5 gallon low carb lunch bucket tucked under one arm.

This morning she tripped over Bandit, and fell on her ass.

The CSB got up, set her lunch on Paco's desk, turned the Poodle loose and dragged Bandit, dangling on her back legs, by the leash into the passout room.

There was a thud as something heavy hit a wall, then Bandit started to yelp. There was another couple of thuds, and more yelping.

Oblivious to the imaginary pain in her knee, whichever one it was, the CSB was kicking Bandit and screaming at the fucking dog to stay the fuck out of her way. She didn't want to hit Bandit with her fists, because if she does, Bandit will shy away when the CSB uses hand signals to get her to do dog agility.

Meanwhile, Friar Tuck had a loser come in and try to buy a Suzuki Bergman 400. The scooter retails for $5799, but the guy's credit was so bad he couldn't finance extra cheese on a pizza. So the loser dragged his 84 year old grandmother in, and she got approved for $12,000. After adding lots of freight, prep, and a $250 documentation fee, the scooter came to $11,997 out the door. But Gramma did get a free helmet.

Then we fed Bandit a couple soft tacos from Taco Bell somebody bought last Saturday, and she took a nice big crap back by the waverunners.

Money Saving Ideas

2007-08-20T08:24:00.000-04:00

At a time when everything seems to be going up, it's nice to see that something is going down. No, I'm not talking about the CSB after a long lunch with the cute new radio rep. I'm talking about the new pay program.

In the last year, the GOB, or Greedy Old Bitch, formerly the Old Battleax, has implemented several key changes to turn this company around. All of them involve taking back, mostly from the employees or the customers

Let's take a nostalgic look back, shall we?

The first thing to go was a decent healthcare plan. In the last year, it has been changed three times. Each time, it has covered less and cost more, until it cost the Buddha $800 a month for health insurance.

The second thing to go was a third week of paid vacation for the six inmates who have stuck it out for more than 5 years at the Lazy K. This must have saved the Lazy K a small fortune.

The CSB and the GOB got together and decided to raise the doc fee, what we charge for a $8 an hour employee to prepare the customer's paperwork, to $250, even though every other shop around charges about $100. So we lost a few dozen sales a month. But the Lazy K was able to save $27 in commissions on the sales we did make.

There is a charge, called a Pack, that the Lazy K pads the invoice figures with, so commissions are paid on all profit left after the pack. The GOB decided to increase the pack to $395, hoping nobody would notice. This saved up to $30 in commissions per unit, and even more when a lot of the better salespeople quit.

You would think that with all this clever cost cutting, and the $5 minimum commission we've paid since the CSB was getting radio rep's pubes stuck in her braces, the Lazy K would be swimming in money. All the other dealers in the area are doing very well.

But we're not.

So the GOB has decided to cut what's left of the commissions in half. Effective with all new hires, the Lazy K pays 8% instead of 15% and Star is going to close all the sales. He got a big book that tells him how. Star was going to let Mondo read the book, but it costs $20, and that seems like a lot for a book to Star, so he's going to make a photocopy.

Part of the plan was for Paco to close sales too, but he quit.

All the current salespeople will stay on the old pay program, and the new ones will be fucked over by the new one. Should make for an interesting workplace.

Adios

2007-08-18T00:50:00.001-04:00

Paco has left the building.

Today is his last day at the Lazy K.

He's off to sell Big Dog Choppers, and even though the chopper market is down considerably and more guys have been through that store than between the CSB's legs, which is saying something, Paco believes he will lead a more peaceful existence, and work with competent people again. After a few months at the Lazy K, you forget what that feels like.

Goodbye Paco, we wish you luck.

You Have Our Gratitude

2007-08-17T07:00:00.000-04:00

Honda dropped in for a visit. Star says they want to pull our franchise because we don't sell many Hondas, and we break the ones we do sell when they come in for service, as well as the ones that we didn't sell that come in for service.

Fortunately, this wasn't a surprise visit, so we had a week to change out all the burned out light bulbs, about a third of them, and turn the passout room in back into an office where Star and the Meal Ticket can go have fights when he doesn't do what she tells him. Since the CSB has been staying away from the Lazy K, the Meal Ticket has stepped in and become the quasi-underpaid office manager. She likes the job because it allows her to make sure Star is not fucking the CSB anymore, and she can bring her coloring books and crayons to work and sit at the front counter coloring when things are slow. Star claims they are moving to that great hillbilly Mecca, Florida, when the Meal Ticket gets off her ass and finds a job as a nurse, now that she's out of school. But the Meal Ticket is very content to sit at the counter and color and answer the phones and keep an eye on Star.

Then we took out all rusty new Hondas that had sat in a field at the Mother Ship all winter long and replaced them with a shiney new row of Hondas, pushing the other brands, the ones that sell, into the back rows.

They sent the weird guy around twice a day to pick up all the dogshit.

The Honda guys were quite amused. At another dealership they later visited, the local representative told one of the salesmen, a former inmate at the Lazy K, that the top level executives spent more time trying to figure out who was what character in the blog and whether or not the CSB was high than how to wrestle away the franchise.

Highly placed sources say this is a foregone conclusion and that it's going to a new Powerstore.

The Lazy K has become a must see destination for busy motorcycle company executives.

This Loser

2007-08-15T09:07:00.000-04:00

Here's an interesting link someone sent us. Looks like it's been up for a while.

http://www.thisloser.com/find/?id=230

On the site, it asks what you think. Vote early and often.

Creepy Old Pervs on KLRs

2007-08-13T23:51:00.000-04:00

What is it about the KLR650 that makes it the bike of choice for creepy old perverts? Today we had a weirdo in the Lazy K who kept looking at the new Kawasaki Concours, asking the usual mindnumbingly stupid questions people who look at Concourses ask. He didn't want it, he just wanted to know all about it so he could tell all the other boring old coots on the internet.

Mondo asked him what he rides now. The Old Creep rides a KLR 650 with 57,000 miles. He remembers putting each of them on the bike. He decided to bore Mondo to tears while trying to convince himself aloud that it is not a cheap pile of potmetal assembled in Thailand by child slave labor. Mondo's eyes glazed over and he wandered off to find a real buyer, hoping Old Creepy would find someone else to share his epic life story with.

The Old Creep walked up to Paco while Paco was trying to pitch a bike, asked the price of various bikes and what Paco thought about them, and wrote the names of the bikes and prices in little tiny letters and numbers on the back of a business card he'd helped himself to off someone's desk. He had also taken a Gold Wing and Hayabusa brochure, because he found them on someone's desk or in the trash so they were free and it's a tough choice between those two bikes and the other half million he knows all about. Then he pulled out the free map the state gives away at rest stops and asked Paco to show him the whereabouts of our two closest competitors. Paco told the old creep that he lives somewhere else, and to ask Mondo.

Mondo gave him directions to the nearest ghetto.

Then the Creepy Old Weirdo became a Creepy Old Perv and told Mondo about his trips to the former Warsaw Pact countries to pay for sex with young girls and find a cute young wife who would find a Creepy Old Perv with bad breath irresistable. He wasn't having much luck to date.

The CSB stumbled by with her gut hanging out of her shirt, saying "someone's getting fired today," and the creepy old perv started dry humping the air. He leaned against a wall and told Mondo he was losing his breath. Mondo figured he was having a stroke or otherwise dying, and tried to persuade him to leave the store before he did so we wouldn't have to move the body or close down while the paramedics work on him and wheel him out.

Then the old perv found Paco again and moved in close enough that Paco could count the hairs on his ears and smell the fetid sourness of old man who celebrates August by drinking curdled milk. The Old Pervert repeated himself, that he was losing his breath, said it again, then again, and told Paco it must be hard working in a place with hot women walking around all the time. Paco looked up and all he could see was the CSB and the Sea Cow behind the counter.

Then the old perv started following the CSB through the store. She turned and smiled at him, and asked if he was being waited on okay. The Creepy Old Perv said he was and decided to make small talk by asking about the yapping dogs that shit all over the floor. Before he could tell her how wonderful his KLR is, the CSB started rambling on about dog agility and how some fucking asshole called the Health Department on her god damn dogs.

The creepy old perv's eyes glazed over and he rode off to share this slice of his life with everyone on the internet.

Screw Mom and Dad, I got $50

2007-08-10T01:29:00.000-04:00

Monikwa has a new bike.

She is a big nasty bulldyke who once came thundering into the Lazy K to beat the hell out of Tits Ahoy for calling her "Sir," when she called to complain to the CSB about the Service department tearing the seat of her Vulcan and scratching the tank when she left it here for an oil change.

The Rhino dated Monikwa for a while, and that scared the Rhino.

Then Monikwa decided she wanted to go out to with the CSB. I'm not sure if it was the prison tats, the jericurl mullet, or the big black strap-on dildo Monikwa brought with her in the box she returned the wrong sissy bar we ordered for her and showed and told the CSB she wanted to fuck her with in bareback biker chaps, but the CSB took to hiding from Monikwa when she came in to complain every couple of days for three months last summer that her bike was still in our service department. The CSB even went back to service more than once and screamed at Famous Nobody to fix her fucking bike and get it the hell out of here.

It was a surprise to learn that Monikwa had traded her Vulcan in for a Road Star at the other Lazy K, because she thinks the FSB is strange.

The FSB decided that to get the $50 spiff Yamaha offers, she would give Monikwa $800 more than a rich lunatic would pay for the Vulcan if all the pitted chrome bolt on crap was gold and it didn't have a dented tank and holes in the seat where her vaginal emissions had eaten through the vinyl, and sell the Yamaha for $250 under cost, to cover the new and improved doc fee. The FSB even went so far as to show Monikwa in the NADA book that she was giving her $800 over book value. When all's said and done, the Lazy K lost more than a thousand dollars on the deal. But the FSB got $50.

The Last Sumo

2007-08-07T01:07:00.000-04:00

The Buddha has left the building. Reduced to playing on the internet after watching Juan Capistrano, the new F and I guy from Delaware, walk in, talk to the CSB for five minutes and take his job, the Buddha decided it was time to leave when the CSB raised his healthcare premiums fom $80 a month to $800 and then told him he would have to take a pay cut that would make him earn about $65 less than his healthcare premiums every month after taxes, because playing on the internet doesn't pay very well at the Lazy K. Nothing pays very well now that we are down more than 42% over last year and having serious problems with all our creditors and the District Attorney.

So the Buddha went to a job interview near his house, and thinks he has a job. What he doesn't know is that Juan Capistrano realizes the Lazy K is a crazy place, he's not going to make any money here, and has been interviewing all over town. It won't be long before Star or the Meal Ticket is calling the competent woman again and asking her how to fill out loan and title paperwork, then arranging for everyone to come back in and redo their loan papers when they get someone in the Buddha's chair who knows what the hell they are doing.

Does the Buddha know he is eligible for unemployment? All he has to do is mention the insane drug induced behaviour of the CSB and her frequent requests that he commit fraud when filling out sales contracts.

It worked for the Rhino.

Dude, Where the Fuck's my Bike?

2007-08-01T17:56:00.001-04:00

This guy called service today to see if his bike is ready to be picked up. I would say "fixed," but that's stretching things. If it's still running after we've touched it, that's a good thing.

It is a 2006 Yamaha R6, and we can't find it.

Star and the service department spent the morning trying to figure out where it is, and then Famous Nobody the drag racing snitch sauntered in a couple days late. He thinks he remembers leaving the bike outside with the key in it Saturday night.

When she awoke from her self induced coma in the back office, the CSB said, "Tell the fucker to call his insurance company, because we're not responsible."

Choke

2007-07-30T09:07:00.000-04:00

Since she's been on the outs with Freddie Fife, and the Meal Ticket has Star under direct supervision, the CSB has been calling and emailing everyone who's fucked her recently, hoping to find someone willing to do it again and prove that she's wonderful, desirable, and young. That's a lot of email and phone calls. And a couple of responses.

Taco Dave showed up and took the CSB to lunch, leaving his faggy little dogs behind to fight with the Poodle and piss on the ATVS and floor.

We welcomed the three hours of what passes for sanity at the Lazy K, and managed to get some work done. The Buddha resolved the wide receiver controversy on his fantasy football league, and Star wrote up Famous Nobody, the drag racing snitch nobody has ever heard of, for doing burnouts and wheelies across the parking lot on a customer's GSXR 600 that was in for a tire change until the old tire wore down to nothing and exploded.

When they got back, the CSB looked even more pie eyed than usual, and smelled of wine coolers and sour druggie sweat, and after stumbling the dogs through Weavepole Dave's weavepoles in front of the store a couple of times, she told the new Counter Cow who answers the phones to hold her calls, while she and Taco Dave went into the pass out room to discuss dog agility.

Freddie Fife called, and the Counter Cow told him the CSB was busy with a client. Then the Old Battleax called, and the new Counter Cow told her the same thing. When the Old Battleax called back and told the Counter Cow to get the CSB now, the Counter Cow walked in on the CSB throwing up on Taco Dave's lap while she was trying to give him a drunken blowjob, because she is still hot, and that's what hot girls do on the internet. She'd had a salad for lunch.

The CSB spent the rest of the afternoon screaming at the new Counter Cow that she was not to ever go into the office if the door was locked, or she would be fired. She told her not to tell anybody what she saw or why Taco Dave left the Lazy K with her pink State U. sweatshirt tied around his waist or she would be fired. The Counter Cow should be grateful to have a fucking job.

Then the CSB passed out in the back room with her dogs and their toys and the smell of vomit because the cleaning person doesn't come in until tomorrow.

Some people just can't keep their fucking mouths shut.

Someone's Getting Fired Today

2007-07-23T07:15:00.000-04:00

From the time she staggered in early this afternoon, the CSB has been wandering the store saying, "someone's getting fired today."

The CSB doesn't know who to accuse of leaking the information about Freddie Fife finally deciding to dump her crazy ass to the world, so she's blaming everyone.

First, the CSB and Star cornered the Buddha at the computer where he sits and plays fantasy football now that there is a new Finance Manager, Juan Capistrano. The first person to apply for the Buddha's job got it, but instead of firing the Buddha, he has been relegated to sitting at the computer evaluating tight ends.

The Buddha denied having anything to do with spreading the bad news, even when Star asked if he'd be willing to submit to a polygraph. So they went on down the list of suspects.

Paco is safe, because the CSB thinks he's as loyal as one of her dogs, and that's how she treats him. So Star and the CSB decided to interrogate Mondo in the back room. Mondo denied saying anything, and is the best salesman, so Star told him not to, if he was.

With her shoulder hunched up and newfound limp that changes legs, the CSB resembled a cartoon hunchback as she stumbled around the showroom with her little dogs in tow repeating the clever phrase, "Someone's getting fired today."

Customers found this oddly amusing. Several laughed when she tripped over Bandit. It was distracting to the employees as they went around trying to do their jobs, especially the way the CSB tried to stare us down while her eyes rolled around in her head, hoping the crazed look would make someone break down and confess so he or she could be fired today.

She wandered back to parts and said someone is getting fired today, then accused the guys in the parts department of spreading the word. They denied it, so the CSB wandered back to service and threatened to fire everyone there too.

For some reason, idiots think it's cute to let their kids call the Lazy K and ask for the best price on something. Mondo got one of those calls, and told the kid he could have a brand new $5499 Honda CRF150 for $1999, if he came in and made sure to ask for Friar Tuck. Sure enough, the idiot got in his jacked up pickup truck and drove his brat a hundred miles to the Lazy K, and asked for Friar Tuck then called him a fucking liar when Friar Tuck said he never spoke to Idiot Jr. and wasn't going to sell him a $5499 Honda for $1999. The idiot then said he knows the CSB and wants to speak to her.

The CSB listened to the idiot, told him someone's getting fired today, then drifted out of the conversation and got on the phone to tell the Old Battleax that all these motherfucking liars are denying they said anything as soon as the idiot asked for the Lazy K to pay for his gas.

The idiot stormed out, turned around, came back and slammed the door, drove around the parking lot once and stopped in front of the Lazy K, honked his horn for a couple of minutes while he flipped us off screaming that Friar Tuck is a lying motherfucker and a motherfucking liar then burned rubber leaving the parking lot. He was pulled over half a block away and ticketed for not wearing a seatbelt.

The CSB made the Buddha leave the company computer just as he was selecting a quarterback so she could send these emails to the Rhino:

"If you are bucking for an invitation to our wedding...Forget it. WE DO NOT LIKE YOU. Never write Freddie again. Also you need a drivers license to get there so boo-hoo you are our of luck. Get a green card and a life while you are at it! Freddie loves me I love him sorry you can't get a man so you had become a lesbian. GOOD LUCK.......hahahahahahahahahah"

and,

"wassssssss a matter you e-mail my man. But scared of me huh?Life is so great now that you are gone."

Next, the CSB called Baby Hitler at the other Lazy K and accused him of spreading rumours that Freddie had dumped her. She told Baby Hitler she would get his ass fired if he did it again.

The CSB looked up from the computer and said, "someone's getting fired today."

Then the CSB passed out in the back room surrounded by her dogs and their toys and the Buddha got to select his quarterback.

Idiot's Guide to Unemployment Benefits

2007-07-20T06:56:00.000-04:00

Few people realize that if they quit an awful place to work and can prove it was an awful place to work, they are eligible to collect unemployment benefits. One enterprising former inmate at the Lazy K is presently collecting unemployment benefits after quiting and claiming she left because she no longer wanted to take part in illegal and unethical actions. In another brilliant executive decision, the Old Battleax responded to the claim by demanding proof of these illegal and unethical actions.

So the ex-inmate printed off the District Attorney's page from the Internet about suing the Lazy K for fraud, and brought that and a couple emails from the CSB ordering illegal happy pills from a Canadian pharmacy and two from craigslist with dick pics sent to the CSB at the company account to the hearing. According to those sissies who work for the state, breaking the law and committing fraud can not be part of your job description. Even at the Lazy K. And you don't have to look at dick pics on the company computer either.

If you are an inmate at the Lazy K, and have put up with their shit for 3 months or more, you are probably eligible for unemployment, even if you quit.

Other things to mention in filling out your claim, if your supervisor is the Homeless Guy or Fearless Leader, are the racist, anti-gay and sexist remarks you have constantly overheard. If you work back in service and have been called a fucking idiot be someone besides a customer, and you probably have on a pretty continuous basis since you started, because you are one, you are also eligible to collect.

Get them checks rollin' in.

Bad Star, No Gixxer

2007-07-16T08:16:00.000-04:00

All he had to do was make the payments.

Star convinced the Meal Ticket that his bad credit was the result of bad things happening to him and bad things other people had done. So to make him happy and live with her, the Meal Ticket let Star run up her credit to buy a Suzuki GSXR600, and a big screen TV, and max out everything else in her name, as long as he made the payments.

The way the program works is that if Star makes the payments on time, he gets to ride the GSXR for $99 a month. If he doesn't, the interest rate jumps to loan shark and the payment triples.

Because the Lazy K is experience record declining sales, lawsuits and a lack of potential employees willing to work for a psychotic pill popping despot and her little rent boy, Star's bonuses haven't quite equalled all the new debt his Meal Ticket took on. So he was late making the $99 payment.

Between the two of them, Star and the Meal Ticket couldn't get the lender to lower the payment back to something they could pay together if she hangs out at the Lazy K and answers the phones and makes sure Star isn't having sex with the CSB now that Freddie Fife is dumping her cazy ass and the Rhino isn't around to rebuild her myspace and type for her so she sounds intelligent and coherent while she trolls for new meat on the internet, so the Meal Ticket put her foot down and told Star the Gixxer has to go.

Of course, Star still owes about what he paid for it, so his only alternative was to get another motorcycle. And the only lender who will finance Star's Meal Ticket at this point is Honda. Fortunately, the Lazy K bought a whole truckload of old VTX1300s for $5900 each. So Star was able to get out of the Gixxer and onto an old man's motorcycle nobody wanted for two years in a row, and the payments are only about double what he promised to pay last time and didn't.

The Meal Ticket doesn't mind. There's space for her big ass on the back of the new bike.

Mommy Killed Me

2007-07-12T00:44:00.000-04:00

Vagisil and Peanut Butter are a bad combination.